That FeelingFeeling

 

She snatched her blouse from Jim’s hand and quickly tried to cover herself. She busied herself with trying to button what was left of her buttons, while avoiding his gaze.

“Al….”

“Don’t. Just…go.”

With a sigh he turned and gathered his tie and scooped up her glasses. Without looking at her, he held them out to her and sighed as she flinched as their fingers touched.

She watched his retreating form and began picking up the papers that had been flung off the desk. After she’d put everything back into it’s rightful place, she made her way to the bathroom. Once in the sanctuary of the stall, she allowed her tears to fall as she began cleaning herself up.

After what seemed to be an eternity, she emerged, Alexandra Cabot face firmly in place. Washing her hands, she looked at her reflection for the first time. Wiping her hands, she made her way out of the bathroom and back down the hall to her office.

As she sat at her desk, she wondered, not for the first time, just how she’d gotten to this place. It had all seemed so simple when she returned from the program. She knew she’d been given a second chance few rarely got, and she’d vowed to make the most of it. She’d always had political aspirations and with her return from the dead, she was a shoo in for D.A. when she decided to run. And she also knew lesbians, even in big cities like New York, didn’t play to the masses.

Reaching into the very back of her desk drawer, she removed a photograph of Olivia. It was from a trip they’d taken to Chicago just before the Velez case had come up. It was just after they’d admitted to having feelings for each other, over a pitcher of margarita’s, but were unsure of how to proceed.

Alex knew that even though she’d had relationships with men, her preferences were with the fairer sex and more specifically to a brunette SVU detective. She had however, had no idea about Olivia’s orientation and wasn’t terribly surprised when Olivia admitted she’d never been with a woman, but had always been attracted to them.

They’d shared a few heated kisses and a few chaste sleepovers, but before they could go further, Velez had cropped up and it was over before it had ever really began. Actually, Alex knew that wasn’t true either. There hadn’t been a day go by while she was away that Olivia hadn’t permeated her every thought.

She traced Olivia’s face with her finger and remembered her last conversation with Olivia. She’d lied when she told Jim she always thought she’d have “that feeling” when she was with a lover. She did have “that feeling.” It was just for a woman she couldn’t allow herself to have.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Hey Alex!”

“Olivia.”

Alex pulled away as Olivia tried to hug her and moved to put some distance between them. Olivia brushed Alex’s behavior off as a by-product of her time in Witness Protection. Moving more slowly, she approached Alex with a wide berth and tried to take her hand. Alex jerked away.

“Olivia! We’re in my office!”
“Oh. Right. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry. “ Olivia smiled at her. “So…now that you’re back and settled in, wanna grab some dinner tonight?”

“Olivia, I’m still really busy. I’m sorry.”

“Alex, you’ve been back for six weeks. I know this was tough on you, but don’t you think you should start getting back out? Being social? It’s ok. You’re safe now. He’s dead.” Olivia moved closer to Alex and whispered, “And I was hoping we could pick back up where we left off.” She favored Alex with a goofy grin.

Alex sighed and bit her upper lip. “Olivia…I’m sorry. A lot has changed in the last two years. I…I moved on. I got over what was nothing more than a school girl’s crush. I’m not a lesbian and really, neither are you. So let’s just put what never was behind us and move forward. Ok?”

She had to look away as Olivia’s face fell and tears welled in the detective’s eyes.

Olivia stammered, “Uh, yeah. Ok. Uhm…yeah. You know, you’re right. Yeah. Well, I uh, need to get going. I’ll see you around, ok?”

Alex nodded and refused to watch as Olivia left. She caught a glimpse of Jim Steel walking by and called him into her office. They went out that night and ended up back at his place where Alex Cabot did something she’d never done before; she had sex with someone she hardly knew, on what was barely a first date, with someone who worked under her. And thus began her affair with Jim Steel.

XXXXXXXXXXX

That had been seven months ago and Olivia hadn’t graced her door step in all that time and Alex hadn’t dared contact Olivia for fear of throwing herself at the detective. She had heard through the grapevine, known as the Munch Info Machine, that Olivia had been dating an accountant for the last three months.

When Munch had casually dropped that little tidbit, Alex had felt an irrational jealousy. Of course, she realized she was no better than Olivia. She’d dropped Jim as soon as the very eligible and suitable Robert had crossed her path. Robert was the perfect mate for a politically ambitious person such as herself.

They’d been dating for five months and it was only in the last six weeks that Alex had allowed the relationship to progress to a more intimate level. Robert had thought it a product of her proper upbringing, but in reality, it was because the thought of sex with him repulsed her.

She’d actually taken some pleasure in her affair with Jim; but Robert was generic, boring and didn’t vary from the missionary position. Alex usually closed her eyes and worked on her summation or her acceptance speech for when she won the D.A.’s chair. Robert never lasted longer than fifteen minutes (she’d actually kept track of the time the first few times they were together), didn’t try to please her and rolled off of her with a thud. He was usually asleep within minutes, leaving Alex to channel surf or think about Olivia and what she was doing. Or who she was doing.

Alex slipped the photo back into the drawer and slammed it shut. Not for the first time, she wished her mother were alive. Alex knew she wouldn’t have been pleased with a lesbian for a daughter, but she would have been there to listen and counsel her.

She picked up the phone to call her sister, but put it back down and rubbed her temples. Wondering how she’d gotten to this place and finding no answer, she stuffed some files into her briefcase, turned out the light and made her way to the elevator. Her cell phone rang and she grimaced when she saw it was Robert. Plastering a smile on her face and sugar in her voice, she answered.

“Hello sweetheart.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Oh God Olivia you’re so tight. Ah! come for me baby. Come for me!”

Olivia Benson resisted the urge to roll her eyes and bit back a sarcastic retort to her lover’s words. Instead, she thrust her hips and strained for that last bit of contact that would bring her over the edge and end this horrid coupling. With a few well placed thrusts and exaggerated moans, she managed to fake an orgasm rather convincingly. Jay followed soon after and gave her a sloppy kiss as he pulled out and rolled off of her.

“Good babe?”

Olivia managed a small smile and nodded as she allowed him to spoon her from behind. She tried, unsuccessfully, to push thoughts of Alex from her mind. It had become routine; she’d have sex with Jay, but her mind and heart were always with Alex.

Munch had let her know that Alex was dating a man named Robert. A wealthy Wall Street type, who had all the right connections to help Alex get to the Governor’s Mansion. Olivia had, outwardly, taken the news in stride, but inside she’d felt her heart break. She’d started seeing Jay two weeks later.

He was a nice man, but that was about it. He was nice, safe, stable. In another life that would have appealed to Olivia, but after what she’d felt for Alex, everything else paled in comparison. Long after she heard Jay’s soft snore, she lay awake, thinking about Alex. She decided to go and see the younger woman the next day.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot awoke to find Robert gazing down at her, a smile on his face.

“Good morning Miss Cabot.”

With a tight smile she responded, “Good morning Robert. Why are you still here? I thought Wednesday’s were your early day?”

“Usually. But today is special.” He waited until Alex sat up in bed before presenting her with the black box.

“Robert?”

“Alexandra, will you marry me?”

“Robert?” He was smiling at her hopefully and before she could say something that would wreck her carefully laid plans, she accepted.
Robert leaned in and began kissing her, trying to ease her back down onto the bed.

“Robert, honey, this is going to have to wait. I have court in an hour.” At his disappointed look, she added, “I’ll make it up to you tonight. Ok?”

“Ok.”

She watched him leave and when he was gone, she slipped the ring off and put it back into the box, which she tucked into the drawer of the nightstand. Methodically, she made her way to the shower and began getting ready for the day ahead.

Her day had been long and tiring and a bit unsettling as she had to deal with seeing Jim and squelching his expectations from the previous night. The office was empty as she sat at her desk having a scotch and water, pondering her engagement to Robert, her sexual escapade with Jim and her love for Olivia.

She was deep in thought and didn’t realize someone else was in the room until she heard her name being called. Looking up, she saw Olivia Benson staring back at her.

“O-Olivia. I didn’t hear you. Is everything ok?”

“I should be asking you that. I knocked for five minutes before calling your name three times. Everything ok?”

“Yeah. It’s just been a day. Something I can help you with?”

Olivia moved further into the office and shut the door. Standing in front of Alex’s desk, she took in the weary expression of the blonde and noted the dark circles under her eyes.

“What’s going on with you Alex? And don’t say nothing. I know you better than that.”

Alex simply stared at her.

“How’s the new boyfriend? Robert isn’t it?”

Alex’s head shot up at the mention of Robert and she narrowed her gaze.

“What do you know about Robert?”

Olivia shrugged. “Not much. Just what I’ve heard.”

Alex caught the disapproving note to Olivia’s voice and gave a bitter laugh.

“How’s your accountant?”

Now it was Olivia who was shocked.

“Jay. His name’s Jay. He’s good. We’re good.”

Alex nodded. “Good.” She looked directly at Olivia and said, “Robert and I got engaged this morning.”

Olivia felt her knees start to buckle and struggled to stay upright.

“Engaged? Wow, you really didn’t waste any time, did you?”

Alex had the good grace to look away, but not before she caught the hurt in Olivia’s eyes.

“Olivia.”

Before she could finish her statement, Olivia was around the desk and had hauled Alex up against her. She covered the blonde’s mouth with her own and pushed her fingers into the other woman’s hair. Alex quit fighting her and eventually melted into the kiss, dueling with Olivia for control.

When they broke apart, both were breathing heavily. Olivia wiped at her mouth and took in Alex’s flushed face.

“Does he make you feel like that?” At Alex’s silence she continued, “Does he?”

Alex bowed her head and whispered, “It’s not that simple Olivia. This can’t happen.”

Anger boiled up in Olivia and she stormed out of Alex’s office. She ended up at Jay’s apartment and practically jumped him when he opened the door. She pushed him inside and ripped at his pants and shirt, as she quickly dispensed with her own clothing, she straddled him and sank down on his shaft, covering his mouth with her own to stop him from speaking.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot awoke to see Robert hovering over her with a smug smile on his face. Feeling vulnerable, she pulled the covers more tightly around her shoulders and tried to avoid his gaze.

“I knew we’d click sexually eventually. You can take the girl out of the blue blood, but you can’t take the blue blood out of the girl.”

"What?"

“Obviously you were waiting for me to make a proper proposal before you’d allow yourself the pleasure I can give you.”

Alex silently cursed her body’s decision to betray her, especially to thoughts of Olivia while having sex with Robert. Odd though it was, she felt as if she’d cheated on Olivia, after the kiss they’d shared earlier.

Long into the night she thought about her detective and silently laughed when she realized she’d just thought of Olivia as ‘her’ detective.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

2 Months Later

“Darling, you look lovely. Now let’s go before we’re late.”

With a final look in the mirror, Alex Cabot took a deep breath and followed her finace out of the penthouse and into the waiting car. She looked out the window as Robert rattled on a conference call with an overseas client. Her thoughts went to Olivia and she was torn between hoping the detective would be at her engagement party, and praying she wouldn’t be.

“Alexandra?”

Startled, she looked around and realized they had arrived at Tavern on the Green. Distractedly, she gathered her purse and left the confines of the car. Taking Robert’s outstretched arm, she fixed a smile on her face and walked beside Robert into the restaurant. They were greeted by a throng of well wishers from both the DA’s office and Robert’s investment firm.

As she scanned the room, her eyes found Olivia and her date in what appeared to be a heated discussion. She watched the exchange with some interest and resisted the urge to wonder over and see what was going on.

“Champagne Alexandra?”

“What?” Looking at the glass, she took it and smiled up at Robert before glancing back in the direction of Olivia. She noted that Olivia looked exquisite in a backless black dress, but she was obviously upset with her date. As an after thought, she took in Olivia’s accountant. She grudgingly admitted he was cute.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Olivia, what is your problem? You’ve been bitchy for two weeks!”

“Stuff it Jay. I told you I didn’t want to come, not that you bothered to listen!”

Taking a deep breath, he placed his hands on her arms and leaned in.

“Babe, what’s wrong? I thought you and Alex Cabot used to be friends?”

Olivia jerked away from him and struggled to gain control.

“Jay, she is. I mean, we were friends once, but we aren’t so close now. I just…I hate these things.”

Jay looked at her more closely and misunderstood what she was saying.

“You know, Olivia, we could have a party like this one day soon.”

Olivia stiffened as he put his arms around her and she tried to get away from him.

“Jay…I…I…” At a loss for words, Olivia hurried toward the restroom. As she was about to go through the door, a pale white hand grasped her elbow. Looking up, she saw the blue eyes of Alex Cabot.

“Olivia? Is everything alright?”

Shaking her head, Olivia spit out, “Fucking wonderful. Leave me alone Alex.” Tearing away from the blonde, she made her way out of the restaurant and hailed a cab. Had she looked back, she would have seen both Alex and Jay standing outside the restaurant watching her leave.

She told the cab driver to just drive and settled into the backseat until she caught a glimpse of a neon rainbow. She told the driver to stop and threw some money at the cabbie. Taking a deep breath, she entered the bar and squinted as her eyes tried to adjust to the lack of light.

Cautiously she made her way to the bar and sat down. Without looking at anyone, she ordered a drink and nervously sipped at it until a woman sat down beside her.

“Hi. This must be your first time in a lesbian bar.”

Surprised, Olivia looked up and stammered, “How do you…”

The redhead smiled at her and then laughed. “You have that deer in the headlights look. We’ve all been there.” Extending her hand, she said, “I’m Sam.”

Shaking the woman’s hand, she replied, “I’m Olivia.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Sweetheart? Is something wrong?” Alex glanced up at Robert and managed a weak smile.

“No. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed.”

Pulling her closer, he placed a kiss on her temple. “You better get used to it if you’re going to enter politics Miss Cabot.” He nuzzled her neck and smiled at the photographer who was making the rounds. “Smile for the camera darling.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Sam had been laughing and drinking for the better part of two hours when Sam leaned in and kissed Olivia. Finding no resistance, she eased her tongue into the brunette’s mouth and clasped the back of Olivia’s neck, pulling her closer.

When they broke for air, Olivia ducked her head. “Would you like to get out of here Olivia?”

“Uh, Sam, I’m…I’m with someone.”

Sam smiled at her and replied, “Really? Could have fooled me. She must not be too important if you’re here.”

Olivia felt her face flush. “It’s a man. I’m dating a man.”

Sam pulled away and regarded Olivia. “You’ve never been with a woman, have you?” Olivia shook her head and wondered why she felt the need to share that with a stranger. “Would you like to remedy that?”

Olivia’s head shot up. I-I don’t know you.”

Sam shook her head and continued to smile at Olivia. “No, but we can remedy that as well. I like you Olivia and you are a damn fine looking woman. Now, how about I give you my number and when you dump that guy, you’ll give me a call?” Sam scribbled down her number and left Olivia sitting at the bar.

Feeling more confused than ever, Olivia made her way outside and hailed a cab. Heading for home, she glanced at her cell phone and saw that Jay had called her several times. Not wanting to deal with him tonight, she shut her phone off and made her way into her apartment. Changing into her pajamas, she slid between the sheets and drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex tried not to grimace as Robert settled between her legs and pushed into her with little preparation. Most nights she could muster a descent arousal, especially if she thought about Olivia, but her mind was elsewhere tonight and she found it bordering on painful.

“Robert…I’m not….”

“My God you are beautiful Alexandra.” She bit her lip as he began to move in and out of her unprepared body. “You will give me a beautiful son.”

Alex’s eyes flew open at his words and she forgot her pain as his words sank in. She had never considered having children, at least not with him. Before she could ponder what he had said further, Robert gave a long grunt and she felt the hot liquid shoot into her. With a final kiss, he withdrew and rolled onto his side of the bed, back to her.

Feeling sick, Alex made her way into the bathroom and threw-up. When she emerged, she found Robert dead to the world and blissfully unaware to her plight. Shaking her head, she made her way out of the bedroom and down the stairs to his study.

She stayed there until the early hours of the morning, thinking about Robert, Olivia and her future. Or lack there of. Finding no answers, she gave up on sleep and went to shower and get ready for work.

XXXXXX

1 Month Later

For the third time in the last two minutes, Olivia looked at the crumpled piece of paper. Smoothing it out once again, she contemplated calling the number it contained. Glancing at the roses Jay had sent her and back at the phone, she gave up and decided to go home.

After a few turns, she found herself driving by the same bar where she’d met Sam. Cutting the wheel to the right, she found a space and pulled in. Without hesitation, she made her way into the bar and found a seat, looking around for a familiar face.

“Hey Olivia. I’ve been waiting for you to call.”

Olivia looked around and smiled at the red head. “Hey Sam. I was hoping you were here.” She gestured toward the seat beside her and watched as the other woman sat down.

“Do I take this to mean the guy is history?”

Thinking about what she’d said, Olivia nodded and replied, “I broke it off a week ago. Not that he’s taking the hint. He keeps sending me flowers. Go figure.”

Sam placed her hand on Olivia’s thigh and gave a little squeeze. “His loss seems to be my gain. Let me buy you a drink?”

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot was thoroughly bored and thought that if she had to endure another minute of financial talk, she’d scream. Her sister had reminded her that this was what life held for her after Alex confided that she wasn’t in love with Robert. In fact, she didn’t even love him. Her sister, who suspected that Robert wasn’t only the wrong sex, but in the wrong profession, had taken to chiding her sister about her choices.

For the millionth time, she wondered where Olivia was. She secretly rejoiced when she’d found out Olivia had broken it off with the number cruncher.

Making an excuse, she made her way to the restroom and busied herself with reapplying her lipstick. As she was leaving, she caught a glimpse of two young women locked in an embrace, kissing for all they were worth. With a sense of longing, she regarded them for a few minutes before making her way back to the table.

The rest of dinner passed by in a blur as visions of Olivia played in her mind, and memories of their too brief time together, coupled with the image of the two girls kissing. Not for the first time, she regretted never having tasted Olivia.

As she was getting ready for bed that night, Robert came up behind her and began kissing her neck. With thoughts of Olivia in her mind, she returned the kiss with fervor. Her ardor was cut short when Robert whispered, “I want you to stop using birth control.”

“What?”

“I’m not getting any younger Alexandra and neither are you. Besides, a baby looks good on the campaign trail. There’s no guarantee you’ll have an easy time getting pregnant, so I think we should start now.”

“Robert…”

“Is your diaphragm in?”

“N-no. I didn’t have time…”

“Good.” With that, he picked her up and carried her to bed.

“Robert, wait!” Trying to say something that would squelch his desire, she came out with, “We’re no where near getting married. A knocked up bride doesn’t play well…”

As he lay her down on the bed, he countered with, “They’ll cut you some slack. You’re the golden girl.” Alex stiffened as he entered her and was busy doing cycle calculations as he moved within her. By her estimate, she should have been in the pregnancy safe zone, but she sent up a silent prayer just in case.

XXXXXXXXXX

“So, Olivia, wanna go out on a real date with me?”

For the first time in what felt like forever, Olivia smiled. “Yes, I think I would.”

“Pick you up tomorrow night? Around seven?” Olivia nodded and eased off the bar stool. As they made their way outside, Sam turned Olivia to face her and kissed her long and hard. Olivia responded and moaned as Sam snaked her tongue between Olivia’s lips.

Pulling back, the red head smiled at Olivia and said, “See you tomorrow!”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot grimaced as the needle pricked her skin. “Ow.”

“Sorry Alex. The price a woman must pay for reproductive management.”
Alex smiled as she rubbed her arm. “Now remember, the shot isn’t immediately effective, so you should use another method of birth control for at least a week.”

Alex nodded and thanked the doctor.

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia Benson was lying on her couch with another woman on top of her, making out like two teenagers. Sam eased her hand beneath Olivia’s waistband and began her journey south. She stopped when Olivia stiffened and rested her forehead on Olivia’s.

“I’m sorry Sam. I’m just not ready.”

Sitting up, Sam nodded and pulled Olivia to her. “It’s ok. We’ve only known each other a short time. When you’re ready, we’ll go further.”

They sat in silence for a while until Olivia remembered something.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s a ball coming up. The Policeman’s Ball. It’s mandatory for SVU to attend. Elliot and I are getting an award. Would you like to come with me? As my date?”

“Are you sure? I mean, isn’t that a big deal for you? Coming out at a police function?”

Olivia shrugged. “I don’t care what anybody thinks and the squad, they all know and support me. I told Elliot about you yesterday and I’m sure Munch and Fin know by now. So, will you be my date?”

“I’d be honored.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Robert began kissing Alex’s neck and trying to get her out of her clothing, but stopped when she jerked away from him.

“Alexandra?”

“Robert, I still have that yeast infection. We can’t, unless you use a condom, which you’ve already refused to do. It’s just another couple of days.”

Sighing, he dropped his arms and made his way up to the bedroom.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Actually, I need to spend the night at my apartment tonight. I left some legal briefs there I’ll need in the morning.” She hurried from the penthouse.
Alone in bed that night, she stroked herself to thoughts of Olivia and shuddered to completion. Satisfied, she slipped into a dreamless sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

2 Weeks Later

“Really Alexandra, must we attend this Policeman’s Ball?”

Alex sighed and ground out, “Yes. I work with these people. They are good people and my old unit is receiving an award. Besides, they all vote.”

Well, that much was true. But she had other reasons for wanting to see her old unit. The grapevine had it that Olivia had “gone lesbo” and would be bringing her date with her to the ball. Alex had been furious when Munch had told her this latest tidbit, and she was furious with Olivia for doing what she herself was too cowardly to do.

XXXXXXXXX

Alex was standing with Robert by the bar when she heard a commotion. Turning, she saw an absolutely stunning Olivia Benson walk in with an equally stunning red head, holding hands.

Jealousy shot through her as she watched the other woman place a possessive hand on Olivia’s back and guide her through the crowd. Losing her grip on the glass she was holding, she gasped as it slipped from her fingers and splashed some punch on her dress.

Robert was dabbing at the quickly forming stain while Alex continued to watch Olivia and the other woman. Annoyed with Robert, she yanked the hem of her dress away from him and made her way to the bathroom.

As she was applying the club soda to her dress, she heard the door open and in walked Olivia. Their eyes met in the mirror and Alex was the first to look away. In a few minutes, Olivia made her way over to the sink and Alex chose that moment to pounce.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“What?”

“Coming to this function with another woman? Are you crazy?”

Olivia chuckled. “No, just honest Alex. I’ve accepted the truth about myself and I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. Now if you’ll excuse me, my date is waiting.”

Alex watched her turn to leave and hurried to catch up to her. As they made it out of the bathroom, Alex grabbed Olivia’s arm and pushed her out into the hall.

“What are you doing?”

Alex tightened her grip on Olivia’s wrist and drug her further down the hall, into a deserted alcove. Pulling Olivia to her, Alex kissed her long and hard. Spying a cracked door to another ballroom, Alex once again drug Olivia across the hall and into the darkened ballroom.

“Are you sleeping with her?”

“What? That is none of your business!”

Alex’s response was to once again kiss Olivia. “Are you fucking her?” As she waited for Olivia to answer, she ran her hand the length of Olivia’s leg and found the other woman’s panties. Dipping her fingers inside the waistband, she repeated her question. Making contact, Olivia hissed.

“N-No. No. Oh God….”

Alex nodded. “Good.” Capturing Olivia’s lips again, she shoved the brunette up against the door and reached for Olivia’s zipper.

“Alex!”

The blonde shook her head and lowered the dress. “Step.” Doing as she was told, Olivia stepped out of the dress and watched as Alex Cabot pulled her panties down. “Step.”

Powerless against Alex, she did as told and stood naked before the younger woman.
Alex sank to her knees and grasped Olivia’s ass. Pulling the other woman to her, she plunged her tongue deep inside Olivia. Olivia jerked and grabbed Alex’s head and pulled her tighter against her.

“Alex…please.”

Giving the detective what she wanted, Alex Cabot made quick work of bringing Olivia to completion. Breathing hard, the brunette sank to her knees and Alex gathered her up against her and kissed her temple.
Coming back to herself, Olivia pulled Alex down for a kiss. As the intensity grew, Olivia began exploring Alex’s body and trying to free her from her dress.
“Liv, stop.” At the brunette’s confused look, she smiled. “Not here. You’re place?” Olivia smiled and nodded as Alex helped her get redressed.

“What about…”

“I’ll tell Robert you’re taking me back to my place to get out of this dress and you can tell your…friend the same thing. Ok?”

Olivia nodded.

XXXXXXXXXX
Munch punched Fin on the arm as he caught sight of the two women trying to sneak back into the ball.

“10 to 1 they just had sex. Any takers?”

Elliot, who’d joined Fin, shook his head. “Hell no.”

Fin nodded. “This ought to be interesting. Munch, get your skinny ass over there and see what’s up.”

The older man shook his hand. “No way. It doesn’t look like they’re finished.” He pointed as the two women were hurriedly making their way out of the ballroom.

In their wake, they left two very confused dates behind.

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia fumbled with the key to her apartment before finally getting the door open. Stepping inside, she flicked the lights on and felt Alex’s arms wrap around her from behind.

The blonde placed a kiss on Olivia’s neck and pulled the brunette back against her. Olivia turned in her arms and captured her lips. They stood kissing before Olivia began walking them backwards toward her bedroom.

With a gleam in her eye, she lowered the zipper to Alex’s dress and watched it fall to the floor. She admired Alex’s garter belt and black stockings and matching bra. Tentatively she touched Alex’s breast and swallowed hard as the other woman gasped.

Alex reached around and unfastened her bra, letting it fall to the floor. Next, Alex removed her garter belt, hose and panties. Olivia stepped toward her and cupped one of Alex’s creamy white breasts. She rubbed her thumb over the nipple, bringing it to life. Seeking permission from Alex, she bowed her head and took the nub into her mouth. Alex held Olivia’s head to her and moaned.

Moving her hands down, she began to unzip Olivia’s dress and stepped back so it could fall to the floor. Olivia made quick work of her dress and undergarments, standing naked before the blonde.

The two women resumed kissing, touching each other all over and caressing each other. Olivia broke contact first and turned slightly away from Alex.

“Liv?”

“I’ve…I’ve never…” Olivia gestured with her hands.

“The entire time I was away you were…?”

Olivia nodded. “There was nobody, Alex. I…I wanted it to be you.”

Alex lay down on the bed and spread her legs. She motioned for Olivia to join her and sighed as the bed dipped with the other woman’s weight. Slowly, Olivia moved over Alex and settled her leg between Alex’s. Glancing down between their bodies, she managed a small smile at Alex, before capturing the blonde’s lips.

She started out gently kissing Alex, but as she grew more confident, she increased the pressure and angle, exploring all of the younger woman’s mouth. Her hands began kneading and pulling on Alex’s pliant flesh. As she neared the juncture of her legs, she caught Alex’s eye and grinned when the other woman nodded.

Being easy, she parted the slick folds of Alex’s sex and dipped two fingers into moist warmth. Alex arched her back and hummed in contentment. Slowly she explored the other woman, marveling in how wet she was.

Alex began to slowly rock her hips and urge Olivia deeper into her. Olivia watched, fascinated, as Alex’s skin became flushed and her head rolled to the side. Alex saw Olivia through heavy lidded eyes and gave her a lazy smile, while reaching for the brunette.

“Will you go down on me?”

Olivia nodded and eased down her lover’s body, withdrawing her fingers. Holding a thigh in each hand and spreading Alex further, she hesitated.

Alex ran her hand through Olivia’s hair and whispered, “It’s ok Liv if you don’t want to or can’t.”

“I’m nervous. I’ve never done this…what if….”

“Shhh. You’ll do fine baby.”

Olivia touched her tongue to Alex and took in the tangy taste and textured feel of Alex. Growing used to the taste, she went deeper and deeper into Alex and finding her tiny bundle of nerves, she took it between her lips and began to suck.

Alex began to squirm and before long, she was grabbing Olivia’s head and jerking forward. Olivia held on and rode out Alex’s ripples with the other woman’s fingers digging into her scalp.

Catching her breath, Alex murmured, “Dear God….”

Olivia pulled herself up beside Alex and touched her face. “Was that ok?”

Alex laughed. “OK? Baby, that was better than ok.” She pulled Olivia down and kissed her. Olivia snuggled into Alex and they lay quietly for a while. Alex began rubbing Olivia’s back and working her hand down to Olivia’s ass.

In a fluid movement, Alex flipped them over and gave Olivia a feral smile.
She nuzzled the detective’s breasts and nipped her skin. Making her way to her center, Alex plunged two fingers into Olivia and captured her lips. Sliding in and out of Olivia, she increased the pressure on Olivia’s bundle of nerves.

Olivia jerked and pulled Alex against her with bruising strength.

The two women fell into a sated heap and drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia awoke to sunlight filtering through her window and rolled over, to find two crystal blue eyes watching her with a smug smile on her face.

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself Counselor.” She leaned up for a kiss.

Alex ran her hand down the length of Olivia’s body and purred, “Oh but I will. You were insatiable Detective Benson.”

“You were right there with me Alex.”

And with that, they started anew and made love well into the day and night.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex made her way out from in under Olivia and padded into the living room where she found her cell phone. Turning it on, she found her voicemail full of messages from Robert. Rolling her eyes, she decided to bite the bullet and returned his call.

“Hi honey. I know. Yes, but…Robert….Robert….what? Oh. Ok. Well, have a good round of golf tomorrow. Sorry I woke you.”

Smiling, Alex shut her phone off and returned to Olivia’s bed and roused the older woman.

“Again?” Olivia was smiling.

“Liv, do you have a dildo?”

XXXXXXXXXX

By the time Sunday morning rolled around, both women were thoroughly and completely satisfied. Olivia rolled over, expecting to find Alex lying next to her. Instead, she found an empty and cold space. Raising up on her elbow’s she called out to Alex.

From the living room, Alex quickly ended her call and hurried back to Olivia’s bedroom.

Bending down, she kissed her lover and ran her hand down the side of Olivia’s face. Straightening up, she moved to her clothing, which was in a pile at the foot of Olivia’s bed.

“Alex? What are you doing?”

“Liv, it’s after two in the afternoon. I have to get home and get cleaned up. Robert and I are having dinner with his parents tonight.”

Sitting up in bed, Olivia paled. “Alex? What are you talking about?”

“Robert? My fiance?”

“Alex we just spent the last two days making love. You can’t possibly tell me you’re still going to marry him?”

Sitting on the edge of Olivia’s bed, putting her shoes on, she replied, “It’s not that simple Olivia. I have obligations…plans. A future to consider.” Alex deliberately avoided turning to look at Olivia.

“Alex! I love you!”

Alex’s movements stalled briefly before she resumed dressing.

“I can’t give you a commitment Olivia and love has no place in our lives. This was what it was. Let’s not confuse the issue, ok?”

She hurried from Olivia’s bedroom and her apartment, never bothering to look back. Olivia sat up in bed, tears streaming down her face.

As she heard the door slam she whispered, “But I love you….”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

1 Week Later


“Come on Liv, out with it. You’ve been moping around for the last few days like you lost your best friend. What gives?”

Olivia sighed. “Something…happened. Something with Alex.”

“You slept together.”

Olivia’s surprise was evident as she looked at Elliot. “How’d you know?”

Elliot smiled. “Liv, we all know. We’ve known you two were wild about each other for a long time. So, why so sad?”

Olivia shook her head. “I was so stupid Elliot. I should have left well enough alone, but I didn’t.” She took a sip of water before plunging ahead. “You do know Alex was the first woman, right?” Elliot hesitated before nodding. “Well, we had just started getting somewhere before Velez, but not to far, if you know what I mean.”

“So Alex hadn’t…”

“Oh she had.”

“So she’s bisexual?”

“Only by default. She once told me she knew she was a lesbian but with her career and all. Anyway, she pretty much blew me off after she got back and I finally decided to get back out there. Woman wise I mean. Which is when I met Sam. Alex wasn’t too pleased when I showed up at the award’s dinner with her. We, uh, you know, at the hotel. In a banquet room.”

Elliot choked on his burger at the visual image that flashed through his mind. “You lost your lesbian virginity in a hotel banquet room?”

“Don’t be crass. But yeah, I guess I did. Anyway, we left and went back to my place. We spent the entire weekend in bed.” Becoming choked up she looked away. “Until she rushed off to have dinner with Robert’s parents on Sunday.”

“What? She spends the weekend with you, making love, and still insists on marrying that putz?” Olivia managed a nod. “That’s cold.”

“I thought she was with me because she loved me, but I think she just didn’t want Sam to get to me first, if you know what I mean?”

Elliot nodded. “God Liv, I’m sorry. So now what?”

Olivia shrugged. “Sam’s been calling, but I’ve been to ashamed to call her back.”

“Liv, I like Cabot, I do, but what she did to, it’s just wrong. You’re better off without her Call Sam.”

Olivia nodded even though she didn’t feel better off without Alex. She felt down right lost. However, she knew Alex Cabot was determined to have a political career and even if lesbians were in vogue, she was hardly a good catch for Alex politically.

She waited another two days before she got up the nerve to call Sam. The other woman had been forgiving and understanding and had invited Olivia over for dinner. So there she stood with flowers and wine in hand, waiting for the door to open.

“Hey!”

“Hi.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alexandra, it’s been two months. I don’t understand why you aren’t pregnant yet. I know the problem isn’t with me, so it must be with you.”

Alex Cabot was beyond annoyed. “Robert, it sometimes takes a while and how do you know the ‘problem’ isn’t with you?”

Ignoring her air quotes around the word problem, he scowled at her. “I just do. Now come to bed so we can keep trying.”

Making her way to the bed, she slid beneath the covers and tried not to flinch as Robert rolled on top of her. Closing her eyes, she remembered how it felt when Olivia touched her and began to respond to Robert.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

1 Month later

“Olivia…Olivia, we need to stop now or else…”

“I don’t want to stop Sam. I want you.”

The other woman pulled back and took Olivia’s face in her hands. “Are you sure?”
Olivia nodded. Sam had been beyond patient with her after Olivia had confessed her weekend and hurt with Alex to the other woman. Olivia had been unsure of getting physically involved again, and had stopped Sam whenever things got too close.

Olivia pulled the other woman on top of her and smiled. She allowed her eyes to drift shut and she pushed all thoughts of Alex Cabot to the back of her mind as Sam’s tongue found her center.

Her orgasm hadn’t been as powerful with Sam as it had been with Alex, but none-the-less, she was sated and content enough to allow the other woman to spoon up to her. As she was about to drift off, an image of Alex beneath her, head thrown back, legs spread flashed through her mind. Olivia’s eyes shot open and she jerked.

“What baby?”

“Nothing.” She rolled so that she was facing Sam and pushed the woman onto her back. Grinning, she slid down her body and began an exploration of Sam’s sex. The taste and smell was very different from Alex, but not unpleasant. It would be the next day before she realized she’d spent the entire time between Sam’s legs, comparing her to Alex.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia entered the bullpen in an unusually good mood, a fact that did not go unrecognized by her co-workers.

Elliot was the first to pounce. “So Liv, looks like you had a good night. How’s Sam this morning?”

She threw a napkin at him, but did manage to blush and grin.

The morning passed by quickly and just as Olivia was about to head out for lunch, her phone rang.

“Benson. Oh, hi.” She glanced around, only to find three sets of eyes openly watching her. Waving them away, she turned her back so she could have some privacy. Because she’d turned her back, she missed the distinctive click-clack of heels that signaled Alex Cabot was coming.

Elliot, Munch and Fin were shocked to see their former prosecutor enter the bullpen. She hadn’t darkened their door since right after her return. At their less than welcoming gaze, she faltered, before making her way into Cragen’s office.

A few minutes later, Olivia ended her call, as Cragen called the squad together for a run through on a case that had taken top priority.

Olivia’s smile was cut short as she turned and saw the familiar face of Alex Cabot. Alex at least had the good grace to look away. If Cragen noticed the discomfort of the entire squad and their former ADA , he didn’t let on. When it came to Alex’s turn to go over the case, she looked everywhere but where Olivia was.

As the briefing was winding down, Alex caught sight of a woman entering the bullpen. She quit listening to Cragen, and followed the dark haired woman’s line of sight. Right to Olivia Benson. Her stomach dropped as she caught Olivia smiling at the other woman.

She’d kept tabs on her detective over the few weeks and determined this to be the woman Olivia had been going out with. Openly going out with. Alex clenched her jaw as the briefing ended and Olivia and the other woman hugged and then kissed.

Elliot and Munch watched with amusement as Alex stalked over to the two women.

“I’m Alexandra Cabot, ADA . And you must be Olivia’s lady friend…”

Sam smirked as she answered, “Yes, I am, and I know who you are. If you’ll excuse us, we have a late lunch/early dinner planned.” Sam took Olivia’s hand and started to turn away from Alex when the blonde stopped her.

“I didn’t catch your name.”

“No, you didn’t.” And with that, Sam and Olivia left the squad room.

Elliot, Munch and Fin watched as Alex’s eyes narrowed and her jaw muscle clenched.

Elliot couldn’t resist and said, “You had your chance Cabot and you blew it. Now deal with it.”

Ice blue eyes bore into the back of his head as he left the squad room. The ringing of her phone jarred her out of her murderous thoughts. “Cabot. What? Not now Robert.” With a satisfying snap, she slammed her phone shut.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Jim Steele stood watching his former lover and current boss Alex Cabot. She was chewing on the end of her glasses frame and staring off into space.

Knocking lightly, he entered without waiting to be invited. “Al?” When he got no response, her tried again, louder. “Al? Alexandra?”

Startled, she jumped and looked at him, annoyed. “What?”

“Well, I see the reports are true.”

“What reports?”

“That you’re being bitchy without cause.” He took the seat in front of her and waited for her to respond.

“Go to Hell. And tell Rossi I had you first.”

“Meow.”

Putting her glasses down, she sighed. “What do you want Jim?”

Leaning forward, he said, “I want to know what’s going on with you. Things not working out with Robert?”

“Robert’s fine. We’re fine.” At Jim’s look she sighed again. “It’s…complicated. He wants a child. A son. Sooner rather than later.”

Jim settled back into the chair and looked at her. “You’ll make a good mother.” At her look he continued, “If you want a kid that is.” He cocked his head. “But you don’t, do you? At least not with him.”

Alex coughed. “I never thought about having children.” At least not with anybody but….

“That might be a deal breaker Al. Have you told Mr. Wonderful-well connected-doof about this?” At her withering glare he continued, “Oh you’ll have absolutely perfect children. I predict a boy girl combo, in that order. A mini-Alex and a mini-Robert. I see Exeter or Choat and then Yale or Harvard. All the while their mother is working her way to a seat in the Senate.” She nodded for emphasis. “Yep. Perfect family. Perfect family leading perfectly empty lives and having no real love.”

Alex didn’t even try to deny what he was saying. “What do you want me to do Jim?”

“Be honest with yourself Alex. What is it you really want? And I don’t mean career wise.”

Now it was Alex who leaned back in her chair. “Jim, we were never….”

“Anything more than fuck buddies. I know that Al. And I know my penis isn’t what you like.”

Misunderstanding what he was saying, Alex shook her head. “Your dick is fine Jim…”

Now Jim sighed. “Yes, it is, but you like pussy, if I may be so crass.”

Alex’s head whipped around, her face was flushed. “What do you mean?”

Jim laughed. “Alex, the entire time we were sleeping together, you never once had me to your apartment. You kept your eyes closed the entire time and then there was the time you called me Olivia.”

“What?” Alex felt the color drain from her face.

“Three years ago. A few months before the Velez case? We were going at it and I had you doggie style? You said, and I quote, ‘Harder Olivia! Harder!’ Olivia is nowhere near Jim and it’s not a gender neutral name, so I assume you were talking about a woman?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Jim. You must have misunderstood what I said.”

Jim stood up and put his hands on his hips. “No, I didn’t. Sex with us was good Alex, but it was never great. And I’ve caught you eying an attractive woman more than once when we’ve been out. We’ve even scoped a few of the same ones.” Seeing her distress, he softened. “Al, it’s part of who you are. Can you really live the rest of your life in a fishbowl? Living a lie?”

Alex felt her eyes water. “I don’t know who I am anymore Jim. I thought after I came back, was given a second chance, that this is what I wanted.”

“And now?”

“And now she’s dating some woman, openly, when it ought to be me.”

“Do you love her?”

Without hesitation, Alex nodded. “While I was away, it was the only thing that got me through some days.” Alex shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.” She looked at him helplessly, hoping he had an answer.

“Listen to your heart Al. Listen to your heart.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Oh God Liv…more…Jesus!” Olivia adjusted the angle of her hips and with a few more thrusts; she brought Sam over the edge. Olivia pulled out of her lover and went about unfastening the harness. Tossing the rig off to the side, she kissed Sam long and hard.

“You liked that.”

Sam grinned. “Hell yes.” Tracing her finger down the side of Olivia’s face she added, “I still can’t believe you bought that! Two weeks ago we weren’t even having sex and now you’ve turned into a raging love machine!”

It was true. Olivia Benson had found her sexual niche. She had started off shyly with Sam, but as her confidence grew and she acknowledged her desire for women, so had her sexual prowess. She’d quickly become the dominant one in her relationship with Sam.

“Love machine, huh? I think I like that. It wasn’t too big was it?”

“No, it was just right.” Kissing Olivia, she continued, “You were just right.”

As they cuddled up and Sam’s breathing became even, Olivia couldn’t help but think about Alex. There were still nights when she felt as if she was cheating on Alex, but they were becoming fewer and fewer. However, it was not lost on her that she thought of Alex in the few minutes before drifting off whenever she and Sam made love.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

1 Week Later

“Alexandra, come to bed.”

Alex climbed into bed and moved to her side, her back to Robert.

He rolled in her direction and began caressing her breast and kissing her neck. Alex shrugged away from him and elbowed him in the stomach.

“Alexandra, we haven’t made love in over a week. How do you expect to get pregnant if we don’t practice?” With that, he moved his hand down to her center. Pushing aside her panties, he began stroking her.

Alex jerked away from him and hissed, “I don’t want to!”

Undaunted, Robert tried to pull her back into bed. “Just relax Alexandra.” He kissed her neck and once again pushed his hand into her panties.

Alex jumped from the bed and angrily yelled, “I said NO! I don’t want to fuck you Robert!”

Robert was now out of bed, half erect and moving toward Alex. Taking Alex’s head between his hands, he kissed her, trying to move his tongue inside her. Alex shoved at him and stepped backwards.

“Spirited tonight, are we?” Grabbing Alex’s wrist he added, “I like that.”

“Let go Robert! I’m not one of your acquisitions you can buy and sell!”

“Aren’t you?” He took another step closer and tightened his grip on her arm. “Isn’t this a merger of my connections and power with your ambitions and looks?” Not giving her time to answer, he claimed her mouth.

Now fully erect, he slipped his hand inside his boxers and exposed himself. Moving back toward Alex, he pulled at her camisole. Alex slapped him as hard as she could, drawing blood as she scratched him, and spraining her wrist. Robert backhanded her, busting her lip.

“Damn you Alexandra! I have a meeting with Swiss bankers in the morning. How am I going to explain this?”

Dabbing at her own lip she answered, “The same way I’m going to explain this to the judge!” Moving past him, she found her clothing and began to dress.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here!”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Jim Steele was groggy as he made his way to the pounding on his door.

“Just a minute! I’m coming.” Not bothering with the peephole, he was shocked to see Alex Cabot standing at his front door. He was even more shocked at the nasty red and blue mark on her upper lip.

“Alex? Come her. What happened?”

Alex collapsed into his arms, on the verge of tears.

She felt foolish as she sat on his couch, ice pack pressed against her upper lip.

“Did he rape you?” Alex shook her head. “Are you sure?” Alex rolled her eyes.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’d be at Bellevue if he had.” Images of Cheryl Avery flashed through her mind and she shuddered. At Jim’s raised eyebrow she replied, “Old case.” He nodded.

“So what happened?”

He listened as she recounted her growing hatred of Robert, her thoughts of the last few days and finally her encounter with Robert earlier that night.

“What are you going to do?”

She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to go over to Olivia’s and throw herself into the other woman’s arms. She wanted to make love to her and laugh with her and yes, even have a family with her. One day. But she knew Olivia had moved on.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re not going to stay with him are you?”

Alex avoided his eyes and pulled the blanket off the back of his couch. “Can I stay here tonight?”

Jim nodded. “Take the bed though. It’s far more comfortable than the couch.”

Alex nodded. “Wanna share?” She tried to smile even though her lip hurt.

Jim hesitated before following her into the bedroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia hurried around the bedroom, trying to find her other shoe when Sam’s voice stopped her.

“Olivia? I think we should move in together.”

Olivia dropped her newly found shoe and stood staring at her lover.

“What?”

“We’ve been going out for a while now and my lease is up next month and I’m ready to commit to you.”

“You’re springing this one me now? Right before work?”

Sam shrugged. “Just think about it, ok?” Olivia managed to nod. “We can talk about this at lunch, ok?” Again she nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot and Jim Steele left his apartment building, arm in arm, walking to the subway. Across the street watching was Jessica Rossi.

XXXXXXXXX

Alex had tried to apply as much make-up as possible to her lip, but there just was no hiding some things. Resigned to the way her lip looked, she left the bathroom, intent on acting as if nothing had happened.

She entered the SVU squad room with a sense of purpose. A sense of purpose that was all but forgotten the minute she laid eyes on Olivia Benson. Their eyes locked and she could see Olivia’s eyes visibly narrow in on her upper lip. The look was so searing, Alex tried to cover her upper lip with her hand.

Olivia made her way to Alex and whispered, “Don’t. What happened Alex?” Alex tried to avoid her gaze. “Alex?”

“I fell?”

“Bullshit Alex. Did he do this to you?” When Alex didn’t answer, she took the blonde by the arm and tried to pull her into to an interrogation room.

“Ow!” At Alex’s cry, she immediately let go.

“Alex, please come with me.”

As Alex was about to nod, Olivia heard her name being called. Turning, she saw Sam watching her and she immediately took a step away from Alex.

“Sam…”

“Lunch? Remember? I found some apartments I want to go over with you.” Sam was pleased at the look of shock that registered on Alex’s face and was triumphant when the blonde offered a feeble smile and ducked away from Olivia.

“Go on to lunch with your girlfriend Liv. I’m fine.”

“Alex….”

Alex quickly made her way into Cragen’s office, shutting the door behind her.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Olivia? Earth to Olivia!”

The brunette jumped at the other woman’s voice. “What?”

“I said, I think we should look at this one first. It splits the distance between both of our jobs, and there is a second bedroom. You know, in case we want a family.”

Olivia dropped her fork and almost choked at the other woman’s words. “Sam, maybe we need to slow down just a bit?”

Sam wadded her napkin up and threw it down. “She’ll be fine Olivia. She’s a big girl who made her bed. Now, let her lie in it.”

“Who…” Olivia’s words died on her lips at Sam’s look. “I’m just worried about her. I don’t think Alex is the type to take being abused, but then….”

“You didn’t think she was the type to fuck you and then leave you for her fiancé?”
Olivia shrugged. “People change Olivia. Or maybe you never knew her to begin with?” Again Olivia shrugged. “Olivia, she’s gone and she’s not coming back. Now, what do you think about this apartment?”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex? Everything alright?”

She nodded weakly at Cragen and sat down across from him.

“Let’s go over the case, shall we?”

Eying her lip, he nodded.

Two hours later and Alex was getting ready to leave Cragen’s office. As she got up, he stopped her. “Alex, it’s none of my business….”

“No Don, it’s not, but thank you.” He nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXX

As she was about to leave the squad room, Olivia came through and gently grabbed her arm. Looking around, she tugged the younger woman into any empty interrogation room. Shutting the door, she backed Alex into a corner and gingerly touched her lip.

“Why did he do this Alex? Did he find out about…us?”

Alex didn’t even bother to deny Olivia’s statement, instead, she looked away.

“No. At least, I don’t think so.”

Olivia cocked her head in puzzlement. “You were away all weekend and he didn’t question you? What kind of relationship are you in?”

“My relationship is of no concern to you Olivia.”

In a controlled whisper, Olivia ground out, “The hell it’s not! I love you Alex and that is just not going to change. I can’t help how I feel. Believe me when I tell you that I don’t want to feel this way!”

“Then don’t! Forget about me and go move in with…with her!”

“Sam. Her name is Sam and maybe I will move in with her Alex! God knows she’s given me more than you! We’re even talking about having a child.”

Olivia regretted her words the moment they left her mouth. Her regret doubled as she watched Alex’s face falter and tears formed in her eyes.

“I’m happy for you Liv.” Alex hurried from the room, trying to keep her tears at bay until she was away from prying eyes. She hurried into the bathroom and found a stall near the end. Locking herself inside, she wept.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Sam wants us to move in together.”

Elliot swiveled his head away from the building they were watching to look at Olivia.

“Kinda quick isn’t it?’

Olivia nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. But….” Shje began picking at her fingernail.

“But you’re on the other side of 40 now and being alone isn’t so great anymore?” Olivia nodded. “But she’s not Alex?”

“This has nothing to do with her.”

“Bullshit. You had this entire fantasy cooked up of how it was going to be with Alex if she ever got to come home. Bam, she got to come back and now it’s not going the way you had planned. She broke you in and then she left you for someone better connected.”

“Don’t make it sound so romantic Elliot.”

“Sorry Liv, but it’s pretty accurate, isn’t it?” She nodded. “Look, can you be happy with Sam? Are you happy with her?”

“I-I guess. I mean, I’m not unhappy with her. I’m in love with Alex, but I think I could love Sam in time.”

Elliot nodded. “Then there’s your answer. Take it from somebody who’s been single for a while now and on the other side of forty. At our age, it doesn’t have to be Miss Perfect. It just needs to be Miss Compatible or Close Enough. Alex made her choice, for better or worse and now she’s gotta deal with it”

Olivia laughed at his assessment and pointed at their suspect who was coming out of the building.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex arrived back at her office, only to find three dozen red roses sitting on her desk. Alex groaned and turned, only to run into Jim who had seen her come in.

“Looks like somebody’s sorry.” Alex rolled her eyes at him. “The question is, are you going to forgive him?”

Alex shook her head and pushed past him, gathering her coat and files on the way out.

Alex sat on the bar stool sipping her scotch and playing with the wet ring her glass had made. She caught her reflection in the mirror above the bar and took in her appearance.
She stared at her reflection for a while and wondered how her life had gotten so out of control.

Deciding she wasn’t going to find any answers in a bar, she paid her tab and left.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had her head thrown back, hips jerkily moving and her fingers were dug into Sam’s hair as her orgasm overtook her. Gasping for breath, she fell back into the pillows and watched as Sam made her way up her body and settled in beside her.

“Good?”

“Better than good.” Almost as good as Alex. Almost.

Sam kissed her and then snuggled into Olivia. “Have you given any more thought to our moving in together Olivia?”

“Hmmmm. Many more sessions like that and I may just chain you to my bed.”

Sam laughed and ran her hand down Olivia’s side. “I could do that. Happily. Now, about our moving in together….”

Olivia was silent for a moment, considering her next words carefully.

“Ok.”

“Ok? Really?” Sam had propped herself up on her elbow and was watching Olivia’s face.

“Yes, really. But Sam, instead of getting a new place, you could move in here until my lease is up in three months. How about that?”

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex was at her apartment, ignoring both her home phone and her cell phone, which kept ringing every ten minutes. She finally shut her cell off and unplugged her phone.

She began pouring over her files and crime scene photos and digging around in her box of files. She came across a video tape and popped it into the VCR. It was an interrogation of the suspect Olivia had conducted.

Alex watched with rapt attention as Olivia got a tiny bit physical with the suspect and as she watched Olivia’s intensity, she became aroused. Hitting the pause button, Alex went into her bedroom and dug around in her nightstand until she found what she was looking for.

Stripping, she settled in on the couch and hit the play button. She began to stroke herself and arouse herself. As her wetness grew, Alex reached for her vibrator and inserted it. Biting her lip, she watched as Olivia pinned the guy to the table after trying to take a swing at her. Alex fell over the edge as she caught a glimpse of Olivia smiling after the interrogation ended with a confession.

Alex collapsed on the couch. After catching her breath and cleaning herself up, Alex reached for her phone. Plugging it back in, she dialed and waited for an answer.

“Robert? We need to talk.

XXXXXXXX

Olivia strolled into the bullpen with a smile on her face. Elliot grinned at her and called out, “Why so happy looking Liv?”

Blushing, she answered, “We’re gonna do it. We’re gonna move in together.”

“Say what?” Elliot swiveled his head in the direction of Fin and he glared at the other detective. Fin waved him off. “You movin’ in with some woman you hardly know? I thought you and Cab-“ Elliot’s elbow to his stomach cut the rest of his words off.

Olivia’s smile faded briefly as she thought about the blonde. Shaking it off, she grinned again. “Leave him alone Elliot. It’s ok.” Turning to Fin she continued, “Sam and I are very compatible. We’re happy.” Fin looked skeptical but kept his mouth shut.

XXXXXXXXXX

There were more flowers waiting on Alex when she arrived at work that morning. Shaking her head, she took them out to the secretary and unceremoniously sat them on the woman’s desk.

“Guess you’re not going to forgive him, huh?”

Alex managed a small smile as she shrugged. “What is forgiveness Jim?” She caught Rossi staring at them from across the room and nudged Jim. “You better go tend to your girlfriend.” Seeing what she was talking about, Jim moved in Jessica’s direction.

Picking up her briefcase, Alex made her way out of the office. She made her way to the bullpen, hoping to catch Olivia. She stopped just outside the bullpen and tried to gather her thoughts. Peering inside, she caught a glimpse of brown hair and she couldn’t help but smile.

She strode into the bullpen and ignored the harsh stare from Elliot. “Olivia? May I speak with you, please?”

Olivia faltered before nodding and moving toward an interrogation room. Once inside, both women stood awkwardly looking at the other.

“Liv…”

“Alex…”

Both women were cut off by the ringing of Olivia’s cell phone.

“Benson. Oh…hi.” Olivia glanced at Alex and turned her back. “Sure…yeah. Your couch is fine. Blue? For the living room? Uh….can we discuss this tonight?”

Turning back to Alex, she said, “Sorry. That was, that was Sam. We uh, we’re moving in together.”

“Oh.” Alex felt sick.

“Did you need something?” Olivia was once again eying Alex’s upper lip.

“Oh, I just wanted to make sure we were ok and that there were no hard feelings?” Alex felt sick.

Olivia nodded. “Yeah, we’re ok. I just want you to be happy Alex.”

“I’d go with light green in your living room.” With a faint smile, Alex turned and left Olivia standing in the interrogation room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot caught Olivia as she came back into the bullpen.

“What happened? Cabot took out of her like a bat out of Hell?”

Olivia shrugged and wondered at the younger woman’s behavior.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was already seated when Robert arrived at the restaurant. Giving him an icy stare, she watched as he made his way to their table.

“Alexandra, I’m so glad….”

“Shut-up Robert. And sit down.”

Unaccustomed to being ordered around, he faltered briefly before taking a seat. He tried to take Alex’s hand in his, but she jerked away.

“Robert, if you ever lay another hand on me, in any manner I don’t welcome, I will ruin you. Do you understand me?” Not waiting for him to nod, she plowed ahead. “When a woman says NO, it means NO. It doesn’t mean, ‘try again in ten minutes.’ Just because we’ve had sex dozens of times, it doesn’t give you the right to demand sex from me, anymore than I have the right to demand sex from you. I prosecuted men for years who didn’t take no for an answer. Trust me when I say you wouldn’t survive in prison. Especially not for rape.” She held his gaze for a minute. “And another thing, I will be the one to decide when I have a child. If I have a child. And there is no ‘problem’ with me. I am not a brood mare. Do you understand?”

“We can…”

“No Robert, we can’t. You said it best when you said this was a merger. As such, I think we need a detailed prenuptial agreement. You’re not the only one with money.”

Robert nodded, but his eyes turned dark. Turning his knife over and over, he clenched his jaw.

“Where were you that weekend?”

“That is of none of your concern.”

He nodded. “I won’t tolerate infidelity Alexandra. Of any kind.” Alex’s head jerked up thinking he meant Olivia. “I’m not in the Bill Clinton school of sex, so watch where you go and what you do and who you do it with. Otherwise, Jim Steele’s career may take a nasty hit.” Alex opened her mouth but no words came out. “Close your mouth dear. I know all about your affair with Steele three years ago and I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” Alex nodded. “After all, No means No, right?”

Alex nodded. “And Alexandra? I will have you.”

“You’ll have me when I say you can have me and not before.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia arrived at her apartment to find Sam waiting by the door. Bending to kiss her, Olivia put the key in the lock and opened the door.

“I brought paint samples. What do you think?”

“I think I’d like to shower and put on some comfy clothes first and then we can look at samples, ok?” She felt bad at the look Sam gave her and began kissing the woman. A short time later, they were both in the shower going at it.

Later, as they lay on the couch with paint swatches spread about, Olivia remembered Alex’s comment about going with light green.

“Hey Sam? What do you think about light green?”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Using her new key, Sam let herself into Olivia’s apartment, soon to be their apartment. Smiling, she tucked the key away and hefted the two boxes she’d brought inside the door. Olivia had told her to start making herself at home and Sam had brought over some books and other items.

Glancing at Olivia’s desk, she decided to do a little snooping and opened the bottom drawer. Pulling out what was obviously a scarp book; she flipped through the pages and smiled at the images of Olivia that ranged from fresh faced innocence, to seasoned detective. She frowned as she came across several pictures of Olivia, Elliot and Alex. Even to her it was obvious that they were crazy about each other, even four years ago according to the date on the photo.

Stuffed in the back of the book was the Ledger from the day Alex had “died,” the one from the day she returned and every social mention Alex Cabot and Robert had made since Alex had been back. She frowned at the most recent one from a week ago. In a fit of jealousy, she ripped the clippings in two and threw them away. She gathered up the garbage and took it down to the trash shoot.

Satisfied with her handiwork, she decided to fix Olivia’s favorite meal.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“You ok Al?”

Alex smiled at Jim and nodded. “Just…well I guess I’m avoiding going to Robert’s.”

“Hmmm. Avoiding going to see the man you supposedly love. Now that’s something.”

“Where’s Rossi?”

“Uh…we have the same relationship you and I had. We just sleep together. She’s on a date.”

Alex nodded. “Now there’s honesty Jim.” Standing up, she gathered her files and followed him out the door.

XXXXXXXXXX

“No, that sounds great!” Olivia snapped the phone shut and found Elliot grinning at her. “What?”

“Feels good to have somebody waiting for you, doesn’t it?” She punched him.

“She cooked for me.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Sam had just finished setting the table when she heard the door. Lighting the candles, she smiled at Olivia’s reaction. The detective pulled the other woman to her and kissed her hard.

“Hmmm. Had I known you’d kiss me that way, I’d have done this a long time ago.” Olivia smiled as she released the woman and swatted her on the butt.

She ushered Olivia over to the dinner table and then went back in to finish dinner.

Sam watched as Olivia devoured her food and chose her moment carefully.

“Olivia?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about children?”

Olivia coughed and spewed some roast across her plate. “I like kids. Why?” Olivia’s voice had a distinctly high pitch to it.

Sam shrugged, “I just thought we might have one.”

Olivia dropped her fork and stared at Sam. “Uh, Sam, we…we’re just getting to know each other. I think it’s a little early to be thinking about having a child.”

“Oh. Ok.” Sam slightly frowned.

Olivia winced, but continued eating. The rest of dinner was silent.

They lay on the couch watching TV, with Sam nestled in the crook of Olivia’s arm. Olivia, feeling guilty about their earlier conversation, nudged at Sam until she looked up at Olivia. The brunette captured her lips and rolled her beneath her. Tugging on Sam’s shirt, she undressed the woman and made love to her on the couch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Robert? Robert, are you here?”

Alex dropped her briefcase with a thud and looked around the foyer of the penthouse. “Emerson?” She called out to the butler, but getting no response, she made her way up the stairs and into Robert’s bedroom. Finding the room bathed in candlelight, she flinched as a pair of hands settled on her shoulders from behind.

Robert’s warm breath tickled her ear as he whispered, “Isn’t it time we get over that silly fight and make –up the proper way?” She could feel his erection pressing into her backside.

“Robert…we have tickets to the symphony.”

“I gave them away.” He began unzipping her dress and she pulled away from him. He tightened his grip and in a low voice he hissed, “Alexandra, it’s time to put an end to this nonsense. Now come to bed.”

“No. And I mean NO Robert.” She jerked away and began trying to re-zip her dress.

“Dammit Alex! I said I was sorry for slapping you. I sent you flowers. What more could you possibly want?”

“I’m going home Robert. Alone.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Sam wants a baby.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Liv, I know I’ve encouraged this, but maybe you should slow down? Just a bit?”

Olivia snorted. “You’re telling me? Moving in is one thing, but bringing a child into the world? Oh no. Don’t think so.”

Elliot tilted his head. “What about Cabot babies? Would you want one of those?”

Olivia threw her fork down. “That’s not fair Elliot and you know it!”

“Didn’t answer the question.”

“Hey, I’ve known Alex a hell of a lot longer than I’ve known Sam.” But I would love to have babies with Alex.

“Ok, ok. So what did you decide?”

“That it was a bit premature to be discussing a baby.”

“How’d she take it?”

“She pouted, we had sex and that was that.”

“Ok. Sex, now there’s a problem solver.”

Olivia rolled her eyes and stabbed a tomato with her fork.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex. What brings you to see me?”

“Oh George. I’m at a loss. I’ve screwed up my life. Again.”

“Again? When was the first time you screwed up your life?”

Alex laughed. “You know when. Velez.” Alex shook her head.

George nodded. “How have you messed up this time Alex?”

“Well…..”

XXXXXXXXX

Juggling a box, Olivia managed to get her keys out and the door open. Falling inside her apartment, the box tumbled forward and the brunette let lose with a string of expletives.

“Watch your language Liv.” Elliot moved past her and set his box down next to the couch. He watched as Sam brought up the rear with her box and gave Olivia a peck on the cheek. He cleared his throat as his partner caught Sam by the wrist and deepened the kiss.

Olivia smiled at him and made her way back down to the van to retrieve more of Sam’s belongings.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“What gives Alex?”

The blonde looked at her sister and then away. Sighing, she answered, “I…well, I’m pretty sure I’m making a mess out of my life. Again.” At her sisters look she continued, “I don’t love Robert.”

“Duh.” At Alex’s surprised look she continued, “Alex, the man has all the warmth of a fish.” Taking another bite of food she finished, “Besides, that’s not where your bread is buttered.”

“What do you mean Keri?”

“Oh please. You used to drool over Jo on the Facts of Life. Even the season that had George Clooney.”

“I did NOT!”

“Oh yes you did! You have a thing for brunette women. Especially brunette detectives.” Keri watched her sister’s reaction carefully, and delighted in the faint blush that crept up her neck.

“Leave Olivia out of this!”

“Olivia? What’s she got to do with anything? I was talking about your Tivo full of Division episodes.”

Alex was trying to look everywhere but at her sister. Trying to laugh it off, she replied, “A girls gotta have a few vices!”

“You’re in love with Olivia!”

Alex started to deny it, but deciding to finally be honest with herself, she said nothing. Her sister placed her hand over Alex’s and gave her a squeeze.

“Al, you love her. It’s ok. Nobody’s going to think less of you.”

“I’m not worried about that!”

Keri Cabot sighed and shook her head. “Alex, Mom knew. She wasn’t real happy about it, but she didn’t love you any less.”

“Mom knew? How?”

“Thanksgiving, 1995? You brought your ‘friend’ Angie home from law school. Apparently mom heard ‘noises’ coming from the wine cellar. Thinking it was Trey about to impregnate his current girlfriend, she walked in, only to see Ms. Shoemaker on top of you.”

“Oh my God. I never knew.”

“Yeah, well, she called me up after you’d gone back to school and asked if I knew. Told her I suspected, but no, you hadn’t come out to me and that yes, I thought this was your orientation and not some phase.”

“What did she say?”

“She cried. And then swore me to secrecy. She said you’d tell her one day and while this wasn’t what she’d pick for you, she could accept it.” Gauging Alex’s reaction, she continued, “And Alex? Mom told me shortly before she died that she always thought you’d finally open up and become a poster child for gay rights.”

“She said that? Even though she thought I was dead?”

Keri smiled. “Alex, I’m pretty sure mom had an idea you weren’t dead and that she was telling me that for when this day came.”

Alex dabbed at her eyes and gripped Keri’s hand. “Thank you for telling me this.”

“Hey, you’re my sister! Now, what are you going to do about the very delectable Det. Benson?”

Alex’s smile faded. “I think it’s too late. She’s moving in with someone.” Fingering her engagement ring she added, “And then there’s the issue of Robert.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Sam were busy rearranging the apartment when Olivia’s cell phone rang. “Benson. Oh…hi.” Olivia turned her back to Sam, who was pre-occupied with a stack of books.
“Uhm. Could I…are you available to talk?”

Olivia’s heart was thudding in her chest. Glancing at Sam, she moved into the bedroom. “I suppose. Is everything ok?” Checking to see where Sam was, she continued in a lower voice, “He didn’t hurt you did he?”

Alex had to smile at the concern in Olivia’s voice, even after how she’d treated the other woman. “No Olivia, he didn’t. I just…I need somebody to talk to, and you’re the only one I could think of.”

“I’ll meet you at Felt in half an hour, ok?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Pressed against the wall outside the bedroom was Sam. She frowned as she guessed who was on the other end of the phone. Hearing Olivia end the call, she hurried back to the living room.

“Hey Sam? I need to go out. Police business.”

“Will you be back in time for dinner?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll call you.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

She found Alex sitting in the back of the bar, nursing a whiskey.

“Isn’t that a bit strong for your tastes counselor?”

Alex gave her a weak smile. “Not today. Thank you for coming.”

“What’s going on?”

Fighting back tears, Alex managed to ground out, “My mother knew.” At Olivia’s confused look she continued, “She knew I was…that I’m…gay. A lesbian.” Olivia touched her hand, urging her to finish saying what she needed to say. “She knew and we never talked about it.”

“Oh sweetie.” Olivia moved over to Alex and cuddled her close, allowing the younger to woman weep. “Shhh. It’s ok.”

“No it’s not! I’ve fucked everything up again. I hurt you and now you’re with somebody else.”

Olivia placed a kiss on Alex’s forehead, hesitated and then claimed the other woman’s lips. Alex was shocked at first, but quickly responded. Soon they were making out like teenagers when Alex tentatively moved her hand to Olivia’s breast.

“I-I want you Liv.” Olivia nodded and pulled Alex from the booth.

“Your place?” Alex nodded.

As they tumbled into the cab, neither noticed Sam watching from around the corner. She’d followed Olivia and watched through the window of the bar as the two women sat talking and then making out. Hailing her own cab, she followed them to Alex’s apartment and watched as they made their way upstairs. She waited for twenty minutes, hoping Olivia would come back down, and becoming furious when she didn’t.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

They’d started stripping the minute they’d entered the door and soon were in a heap on Alex’s bed. Their first coupling was rough and greedy, with Alex clawing Olivia’s back. Their second time was slower, but no less intense and the third time was pure bliss, with Alex finally saying the words Olivia had longed to hear as she lay with her head on the brunette’s shoulder.

“What did you say?”

“I love you. I said I love you.” Olivia stiffened, and Alex felt dread seeping into her bones.

Olivia rolled out of bed and grabbed her t-shirt. “It’s not that simple Alex.”

“I know that Olivia.”

Olivia rounded on Alex. “Do you? Alex, I just cheated! I just became my mother! I have Sam, wonderful, loving Sam who’s done nothing but love me and accept me from day one, living in my house. She wants a baby and she wants me. She’s wanted me from day one and not been afraid to show it.” She didn’t need to add, “Unlike you.”

“I know that. I…I don’t know what to do here Olivia. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Sorry? I just cheated on my girlfriend with you and all you can say is “I’m sorry?”

Olivia was quickly dressing as Alex continued, “I love you Olivia.”

“I told you that once Alex, and you left. So let me return the favor.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX
It was late when Olivia finally made it home. She’d stopped by the bar and had a few, then she stopped by an all night market and picked up a bouquet of flowers for Sam. Arriving home she placed the flowers next to Sam’s head and went to the shower to scrub Alex off and to try and cleanse her guilt.

Sam was waiting on her when she entered the bedroom and taking Olivia by surprise, she straddled the detective and cuffed her arms above her head.

“Hey!” Seeing what Sam was about to do, Olivia welcomed what was to come. Sam finished by tying her lags so that she was spread eagle on the bed. Sam got one of Olivia’s leather belts from the closet and teased the detective with it before slapping it across her skin several times. She tried to sooth the angry red welts by kissing them and she knew the tears Olivia shed weren’t from physical pain.

“Are you ready to be done Detective Benson?” Olivia nodded and watched as Sam pulled the large dildo out of the bottom drawer. Strapping it on, she took Olivia well into the night and by the time they finished, Olivia was numb.

As Sam rubbed Olivia’s wrist and placed gentle kisses on them, Olivia moaned. “God Sam, that was…intense. I’m sore and tingly and sated. What brought that on?”

Sam kissed her and began to finger her as she replied, “I just want you to remember what you have.” Not waiting for Olivia to acknowledge her, Sam inserted another finger into the brunette and began again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot lay alone in her bed, watching the car lights play across the ceiling. She’d called her sister earlier and cried her eyes out and then she’d called Robert, and told him they needed to talk when he got back into town. She knew she needed to break it off with him and the sooner the better. She may have lost Olivia, but she wasn’t about to double her mistakes.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Long after Olivia had gone to sleep, Sam lay awake thinking of all the ways she could hurt Alex Cabot. She finally came up with the one that suited her best and with a smile of contentment, she fell asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot watched as his normally agile partner slowly made her way into the squad room the next morning. Giving her a look, she brushed him off and went about burying herself in work. She finally came up for air around lunch time and followed Elliot out for lunch.

“Spill it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You come in looking worse for wear this morning, walking a little funny and you’ve been quiet all morning. What gives?”

She looked away and then back again. “I uh, I cheated. On Sam.”

Elliot clenched his jaw before speaking. “With who? Alex?” Olivia looked away and Elliot swore. “That why you’re walking funny? Cabot fuck you senseless?”

“Actually, Sam…” She gestured and Elliot rolled his eyes.

“How could you cheat? I’ve never pictured you as a cheater Liv.”

She felt her face flame and averted her eyes. “I’ve never cheated before. It just happened. And I regret it.”

Elliot pushed his plate away and swore again. “Liv, how could you let Cabot toy with you again? She’s just doing this because you’ve moved in with Sam.”

In a quiet voice, Olivia said, “She told me loves me.” Swiping at her eyes she added, “And I said something really cruel and left her in bed.”

“I take it Sam doesn’t know?” Olivia shook her head. “You gonna confess?”

“Should I?”

“No.” Elliot took a drink of water. “Liv, she’s your best shot at a stable relationship. Even if you and Cabot got together, she’ll just use you until the new wears off.”

Olivia started to disagree, thought better of it and chose to eat instead.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot looked like death warmed over. She had puffy eyes from crying all night, her hair was less than perfectly coiffed, and her normally crisp outfit currently sported a coffee stain.

“What’s up Al?”

She motioned for Jim to shut the door and to take a seat.

“I’m a whore.”

“What? Alexandra Cabot you are not a whore.”

Alex snorted. “Let’s see, I slept with you, on this very desk the night before getting engaged, only to sleep with Olivia right after my engagement and again last night. I’m racking up the frequent flyer miles and ruining lives in the process.”

“The answer is simple Alex; quit lying to your self, experience the emotion and build on it. The only life you’re ruining, as far as I can tell, is your own.”

“Did…did you love me?”

Hey gave a sad smile. “Yeah, on some level I did.”

“And now you love Rossi much the same way?”

“I…Hell, I guess I do.”

“Then take your own advice Jim.” Alex’s smile faded. “I know what I have to do, regardless of whether or not Olivia is going to be there.”

“You’re going to break it off with Robert?”

She nodded. “And I’m going to live up to my mother’s expectations.” At Jim’s confused look, she smiled.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mr. Evanston, thank you so much for returning my call.”

“Uh, yes, Miss…”

“Sam. Just call me Sam.”

“Sam. You said you had critical information about my fiancé?”

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia let herself into the apartment and noticed all the lights were out.

“Sam? You here?”

“In here Olivia.”

Walking into the bedroom, she was surprised by a pair of hands wrapping around her breasts from behind. Turning, she found a very naked Sam standing before her. Sam stood on her tip toes and kissed Olivia while walking her backwards toward the bed. She gave Olivia a gentle push and then crawled on top of the woman. She began unbuttoning Olivia’s shirt and then her bra.

“Sam…I’m a little sore from last night….”

“That’s ok. You’re going to do me.” Before Olivia could protest, Sam shimmied up the brunette’s body and settled on her face. Olivia had never done this particular act and found it hard to breathe.

“Uh Sam, maybe…”

“Do me Livvie. Please.”

Hearing the whine in Sam’s voice, she gave in and did the best she could, which apparently wasn’t good enough for Sam.

“Your technique is lacking baby, but we’ll work on it.” Sliding off Olivia, she undid the detective’s pants and pulled them and her panties down. “Raise your hips baby.” Doing as she was told, Olivia was confused until Sam pulled the strap on out of the drawer.

“Sam, I told you I’m sore.”

“Oh no, you’re going to do me. Only I’m going to be on top.” Olivia nodded slightly and allowed Sam to strap it on her. She watched, with a mix of arousal and curiosity as Sam lowered herself on the dildo. “Move your hips baby.” Sam fell forward as Olivia’s hip moved and she groaned as Olivia made contact with her clit. Nearing completion, she whispered, “You’re mine Olivia. Nobody elses. Understand?” Olivia nodded. “And I want to go to the Human Rights Campaign Ball, ok?” Olivia nodded again.

Having recovered, Sam jumped up and grabbed the silk scarves from the night before.

“Sam, really, I’m too sore.”

“Trust me Livvie.” Before she’d even finished talking, she had Olivia’s arms tied to the headboard. “You’re going to love this.”

“Sam, I’m not comfortable with this.”

“Oh poo.” Smiling at Olivia as she finished tying her legs to the bed, she continued, “I bet you’d let Alex Cabot do this to you.”

Olivia’s blood ran cold at the mention of the blonde. “Sam…you don’t have anything to worry about where she’s concerned. I promise.”

Sam pulled a small looking dildo out of the night stand drawer and began lubing it up. “I know I don’t baby, I just wanted to get your attention.”

“I’m with you Sam and that’s all that matters. I…I chose you.” Sam smiled and nodded, then kissed Olivia. She whispered into Olivia’s ear, “I know you did and I love you Olivia. Nobody will ever love you the way I do.” Taking Olivia’s skin between her teeth, she bit down and sucked, giving the detective a hickey. She moved on down to Olivia’s breasts and suckled them until her nipples were hard. Olivia’s breath grew ragged and she actually began to squirm as she became more sensitive.

Sam gave her a feral smile. “Do you trust me Livvie?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Will you let me fuck you the way I want to? Take you places you’ve never been?”

Olivia’s brain was screaming no, but her body was reacting to Sam’s attentions.

“Y-Yes.”

“Ask me to do it Livvie. Ask me to fuck you anyway I want to. And say please.”

Olivia hesitated and Sam slapped her and pinched her nipple, drawing a moan from Olivia.

“Fuck me Sam…anyway you want to. Please.”

Sam grinned as she added a generous amount of lube to the tiny dildo. Olivia was throbbing with anticipation as she watched Sam’s hand disappear between her legs. Her hips came up off the bed and she let loose with a scream as Sam pushed the dildo into her ass.

“Calm down baby. You’ll get used to it and you’ll learn to enjoy it.” Sam was smoothing Olivia’s sweaty hair off of her forehead as she positioned herself between Olivia’s legs. Working her way down the brunette’s body, she took her clit between her lips and began to suck as she moved the dildo in and out of Olivia’s ass.

After a few painful moments, the sensations began to change and soon Olivia was surprised to find herself climaxing. Sam smiled at her, but didn’t remove the dildo.

“Sam? Are you…can you please take it out?”

“We’re just beginning baby.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alexandra.” Robert bent to kiss Alex and was miffed as she side stepped him.

“Robert. We need to talk.”

“Yes, we do. Let’s go upstairs and we can talk in the penthouse.”

Standing her ground, she shook her head no.

“Let’s go to dinner. In a public place.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had never known pain that bordered on pleasure and vice versa, but by the time Sam had finished with her, she did. Her wrists hurt and were raw from the scarves, her ass was raw and there was some blood and her lower lips were swollen and raw as well. Sam had added a few lashes with the leather belt and Olivia wasn’t sure she could make it to the bathroom as the circulation hadn’t returned to her legs from being tied down. And she was mortified to admit that she’d orgasmed every time Sam had pushed her a little further.

“See what being with a real lesbian can do for you Olivia? See where I’ve taken you?”

Olivia managed to get out of bed and make it into the bathroom. Shutting the door, she examined her body and cleaned herself up. Looking in the mirror, she didn’t recognize the face looking back at her.

What the hell have you done Olivia? Who have you invited into your life?

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was taking the ring off of her finger as Robert was going on and on about his trip.

Robert!” Getting his attention she repeated, “I said, I don’t want to marry you. It’s over and done with. I’m sorry.” She placed the ring next to his hand and started to get up.

“Alexandra! Come back here. We need to talk about this.”

“Robert, there is nothing to discuss. I don’t want to marry you. Period.”

And with that she walked away from Robert Evanston.
XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia could barely walk the next morning and drew more than a few curious stares as she made her way into the bullpen.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

She looked at her chair and decided against sitting down. She managed to make her way over to the coffee pot and poured a cup. Elliot joined her and stopped when he saw the bruises around her wrists and the red, raw marks.

“Liv? What the hell are you two doing at night?”

“Elliot, can you get me out of here, please?”

As they sat in a booth at the diner, a very padded booth, Olivia confessed to Elliot.

“El, she took me someplace last night that scared me.”

“Because she hurt you?”

“No. Because I liked that it hurt and it….it felt good.” Her face was flaming. “Did you and Kathy…did you guys ever have…anal sex?”

Elliot choked on his coffee. “No. No way. Kathy? No. Did you and Sam…?” He was making gestures with his hands.

With a bent head she nodded. “Ok. Well…uhm, ok. So…you liked it?”

Olivia tried, as best she could, to explain what had happened.

“Liv, that’s not normal.” At her look he clarified, “Not the anal part, the way she did it. I mean, it’s almost like….”

“Don’t say it Elliot.”

“Ok Liv, this woman is a bit…unhinged. You don’t just go around poking someone in places like that without express consent. You didn’t know she was going back door and you can barely move today.”

“But I…I liked it on some level.”

“Rape victims sometimes climax during the assault, doesn’t mean they asked for it.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot dreaded going to the SVU squad room, but she had to talk to the squad. She casually scanned the bullpen as she entered and felt relief as well as disappointment wash over her as she realized Olivia wasn’t there. She went to Cragen’s office and was shocked to see Olivia moving slowly into the bullpen as she emerged.

Alarmed and afraid the detective had been hurt, she made her way to her.

“Liv? Are you ok? Did you get hurt in a foot chase?” She was trying to look the woman over and that’s when she saw the red marks around Olivia’s wrists. Eying them, she shook her head.

“Olivia? I need to see you in the interrogation room.”

Too sore and in too much pain to argue, Olivia followed her into the closest room.

Alex shut the door and gently touched Olivia’s wrist. “Liv…Liv, what is she doing to you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Alex.”

Alex pulled the turtle neck away from Olivia’s neck and fingered the nasty bruise she found there. “You got yourself an S&M practitioner Liv.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Please be careful.”

Alex placed her left hand on Olivia’s face and caressed her cheek. Olivia allowed herself to lean into it briefly. She noticed Alex wasn’t wearing her ring and caught the blonde’s hand.

“Alex?”

“I broke it off Liv.” And with that, she was gone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mr. Evanston, thank you for meeting me.”

“I’d hardly call this a meeting. You caught me as I was leaving my building. Now, what is this critical piece of information you have regarding Alexandra?”

“Your fiance and my girlfriend are having an affair.”

“What? Alexandra is not a lesbian.”
Sam laughed. “Oh but she is. Several weeks ago, did she go missing for a weekend?” Not waiting for him to answer, she continued, “And has it ever been good in bed between the two of you? Aside from the times she’s fucked you right after seeing Detective Benson? My girlfriend?”

Robert felt his spine go rigid. “Alexandra broke off our engagement last night.”

Sam was surprised. “Oh. That is not good news.”

“No. And if she thinks she’s going to leave me for another woman, she’s wrong. This won’t do. Not at all.”

“So we both have a vested interest in keeping those two apart?” He nodded.

XXXXXXXXXX

 

Olivia looked at her ringing cell phone and grimaced when she saw that it was Sam. Once again she shut the ringer off and returned to work.

“Her again?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I need some space, but she’s just always there. I’m afraid of what she’ll do to me tonight.” And even more afraid I might like it.

“You wanna come stay with me?”

“No thanks. I may just crash here tonight.” Elliot nodded.

“You better call her though.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex?”

“Hey Serena. Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”

“No problem. I understand congratulations are in order? You and Robert got engaged?”

“Uh, not anymore.” At Serena’s surprised look, Alex continued, “I broke it off last night. You know what side I play for Serena.”

Serena leaned in and whispered, “Were the rumors about you and Claire Kincaid true?”

Alex laughed. “No. One heated kiss and that’s all. She was sleeping with Jack at the time.”

Serena nodded. “What about you and Abbie?”

“Oh please. That uptight Republican? She’s so far in the closet she’ll never come out. And I don’t find her attractive at all.”

“Well what about you and Olivia?”

“There are rumors about me and Olivia?” Alex was blushing.

“No. But I’ve always been curious about the nature of your relationship. And obviously I was right in my thinking judging by your blush.”

“I love her. And it’s complicated. I screwed up and she’s living with someone. Another woman.”

“Ouch. What are you going to do?”

“Live my life as honestly as possible, which is where you come in, Miss Gay Rights 2006.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“This is Evanston. Get me the best PI you can.” Disconnecting the call, Robert swirled his drink around and stared out the window. “If you think I’ll stand for being left for another woman Alexandra, you are sadly mistaken.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Sam, it’s Olivia.”

“Livvie! When are you coming home?”

“I’m sorry baby, but I’m going to be on a stake out tonight. I’ll be out late and then I’ll probably just crash here for a couple of hours when we’re done. I just called to say good night.”

Olivia hung-up the phone and started to go up to the crash room, but deciding against the lumpy cots, she left the station intent on renting a room.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Robert? It’s Sam. Olivia says she’s going to be on a stake-out tonight, but I’m not sure I believe her. I just thought you might want to know.”

“Thank you. The situation is going to be monitored.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia managed to hail a taxi and gave an address for a motel. She’d settled back into the seat when she realized they were going through Alex’s neighborhood. She yelled at the cabbie to stop as he neared Alex’s building and she threw some money at him.

She hesitated before flashing her badge and following a man inside the building. She waited a minute and then knocked on Alex’s door, unsure if the woman was home or not, and unsure what might happen if she was.

“Liv. Everything ok?”

“Can I come in?”

Alex motioned her in and frowned at the way Olivia was moving.

“Liv, what did she do to you?”

Olivia’s face flamed and she felt tears prick her eyes. Alex led her over to the couch and sat down with her. She pulled Olivia’s head into her lap and stroked her hair.

“Let it out Liv. Tell me.”

Thirty minutes later, Alex Cabot was livid.

“I was wrong Liv. That’s not S&M. What she did was forcible sodomy. S&M is never about force; it’s consent by both parties to do those things. You know that.”

Olivia began crying again. “But I liked it Alex. I liked it.”

“You didn’t like being hurt or deceived Olivia Benson. You may have stumbled into ass play Olivia, but she didn’t have the right to force you. She took your choice away.”

Olivia snuggled into Alex’s lap and the blonde kept stroking her hair.

“Do you want to take a bath? I think I have some Epsom Salt. It should help with the soreness.” Olivia nodded and Alex went to run the bath. She dumped what was left of the salts into the water and got Olivia a fresh towel. She helped Olivia into the bathroom and helped her undress. She grimaced at the angry marks that dotted Olivia’s dark skin. Alex helped her into the bath tub and handed her a wash cloth.

“Have you eaten?” Olivia shook her head no. “I’m going to go fix you some food, ok? I have some boxer’s and a t-shirt I can let you sleep in.”

“I can go to a motel.”

Alex laughed. “Olivia, if you think I’m letting you be alone right now, you’re crazy.”

Thirty minutes later Olivia was standing in Alex’s kitchen.

“How do you feel?”

“The bath helped a lot, thanks.”

Alex handed her a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese. When Olivia failed to follow her to the table, Alex gave her a curious look. Seeing Olivia’s trepidation at sitting in her hard chair, Alex went into the bedroom and brought out and pillow.

“Better?”

Olivia smiled at her and finally took a seat.

“There’s no delicate way to ask this Liv, so I’m just going to say it. How torn up are you?”

Olivia faltered. “I…I don’t know.”

“Was there blood?”

“A little, yeah.”

“Damn. We need to apply some ointment to you.”

Olivia choked on her soup. “Uh, Alex, I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Alex sighed. “Olivia. You know anal tissue is some of the most sensitive and prone to infection tissue in the body. We’ll take care of it when we’re done eating.”

Alex left Olivia lying face down and naked from the waist down on her bed. Her anger grew as she examined Olivia and she tried not to hurt the woman as she applied the ointment.

“Jesus Liv. If I could get my hands around her neck, I’d strangle her.”

Olivia rolled over and Alex helped her get back into the boxers. After cleaning up, she sat on the edge of the bed.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch Olivia. Do you need anything else?”

“You could sleep in here Alex. With me.”

“I don’t think…”

“Alex, you’ve just seen me naked and you’ve just swabbed ointment all over my ass; if you didn’t jump my bones while doing that, I’m pretty sure we can manage sleeping next to each other.”

Alex laughed and climbed into bed next to Olivia. She was surprised when the other woman snuggled up to her and laid her head on her shoulder.

“Thank you Alex.”

Alex Cabot held onto Olivia Benson all night as the realization that she really, truly loved this woman sunk in. Not the surface level love she’d felt before, or the school girl love or the pretend love, but to the bone love she felt. In the past her feelings would have scared her, now she accepted them for what they were and welcomed them. She made a promise to herself that night, and it involved Olivia Benson.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Across the street from Alex Cabot’s apartment, a non-descript sedan sat parked. It’s occupant jotted down the time the lights went out, and the fact that Olivia Benson had not left the building.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia awoke the next morning wrapped around an unfamiliar body. Turning her head, she was met with the site of Alex Cabot’s breast. Popping her head up, she found two blue eyes watching her.

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok. Did you sleep well?” Olivia nodded. “Good. I’ll fix you some breakfast.” Alex rolled out of bed and Olivia stretched out, feeling her muscles give.

When she finally made her way into the kitchen, she found a mug of coffee waiting on her. Tasting it, she found it was flavored to her liking. “Thanks.”

Alex left her alone to go shower.

Olivia opened the front door and got the paper. When Alex returned to the kitchen, her hair was wet and her face was freshly scrubbed. Olivia took a moment to look at her.

“What?”

“You just look really pretty like that.”

Alex laughed. “What? All pale and stringy looking?”

“I don’t think you’re pale or stringy looking.” With that, Olivia got up and went to shower. She found a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt waiting on her when she got out.

“They belong to my brother. I’m sorry they’re so long.”

As Olivia got ready to leave, she kissed Alex on the cheek and thanked her again.

“Just be careful Liv.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mr. Evanston, the brunette didn’t leave until early this morning and Miss Cabot left shortly there after. No, they didn’t leave together.”

Robert slammed down the phone and swore.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia walked into the squad room feeling better than she had the day before. She smiled at Elliot who was glad to see she was moving better.

“Glad to see you in one piece today.”

“Yeah. I feel better than I did yesterday.”

“You stay here last night?”

“No. I stayed at….” Catching herself, she shut-up.

“You stayed where?” At her silence he sputtered, “Oh no. No, no, no! Do not tell me you stayed with her!”

“She took care of me Elliot!”

“She fuck you too?”

“NO! And even if she did, it’s none of your business.”

They stood staring at each other for a minute before retreating to their respective desks.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam waited until she saw the older man leaving the building.

“Mr. Evanston! Mr. Evanston!”

Annoyed, he turned at the sound of his name. “Yes?”

“It’s me, Sam.”

“I know who you are, what do you want?”

Surprised by his rudeness, she was at a loss for words.

“I…I just wondered if you’d found anything out?”

Taking her by the arm he pulled her away from prying ears.

“Your whoring girlfriend stayed at Alex’s last night. I can only assume the worst. Perhaps if you were able to hold Detective Benson’s interest, this wouldn’t have happened. I will take care of the situation. You need to leave me alone. I’ll contact you when I need you.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex Cabot. Hello Serena! Is everything set?”

After chatting with Serena for a while she returned to her paper work. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t hear her door open.

“Alexandra?”

Startled, she looked up. “Robert?”

“We need to have lunch.”

“Robert, nothing is going to change my mind.”

“I’m not so sure about that. Perhaps we could ask Detective Benson to join us?”

Alex’s face went hard. “I’ll get my purse.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“So what are you going to do Liv?”

“I have no idea. And she wants to go to the HRC Ball. Like, what the fuck?”

“The HRC Ball? What’s that?”

“The gay equivalent of the vanity Fair Oscar party. Anyway, I don’t think I’m so lonely I need her. Now I just need to find a way to get her moved out.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Of all the things I’d have thought about you Alexandra, that you are a lesbian is not one of them.”

Alex didn’t bother to deny it.

“What does Olivia have to do with this?”

“The weekend you disappeared, you were with her as well as last night.”

“You’re having me followed?” Robert smirked. Alex’s eyes narrowed as she said, “You’re having Olivia followed.”

Robert’s smile was pure evil. “Would you like to know where she is right now?”

“What do you want?”

“In order to keep the good Detective safe, you will marry me, rather quickly I might add, give me a son and live happily ever after.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Taking a sip of his drink, he added, “Take a couple of days and think it over.” With that he stood and left the restaurant.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex strode through the bull pen and entered Cragen’s office without knocking.

“Alex?”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia entered the apartment and immediately had an arm full of Sam.

“Hey baby!”

“Hey Sam.” Sam pulled Olivia into a kiss. Olivia finally broke it and pulled back. “What’s wrong baby?”

“Nothing. What’s for dinner?”

Sam shooed her into the kitchen and they had a chicken dinner.

“We need to get our tickets to the HRC Ball Livvie.”

“Yeah. Ok. When is it again?”

“Two weeks from today. Does this mean we’re going?”

“Yeah. I guess it does.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Two Days Later

“Robert? It’s Alex. I’ll marry you. Why don’t you come by tonight and we can discuss how this will work. What? No. My apartment.”

“You’re going to marry him after all?”

Surprised, she saw Olivia standing in her door way.

“Yes I am. It’s for the best Olivia.”

“I see. Well, I just came by to tell you that I’m going to stick it out with Sam.”

Alex stood and moved in front of her desk. “Liv, you can’t do that. It’s not safe.”

“And it’s none of your business Alex.” Olivia stormed out of Alex’s office and blew past a surprised Jim Steele.

“I take it you and the good Detective haven’t made up yet?” She gave him a sour look. “That complicated, huh?”

“You have no idea Jim.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex took one last look around her bedroom before lighting the candles and opening the bottle of wine. On que, she heard the door bell and made her way to the entry way. Opening the door she found Robert waiting. Taking in her long night gown, he smiled.

Alex took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom. “Let’s not waste any time Robert. I’m ready to show you how serious I am about being with you.”

“I knew you’d come around.” He pulled Alex to him and kissed her hard. She could feel his erection poking into her and she tried to ignore its intent.

“I choose you Robert.” She began to undo his tie and soon he had her beneath him on the bed. “I don’t have my diaphragm in.”

“Good.” And with that he pushed into her, bringing her hips up off the bed. “You need to enjoy this Alexandra.”

Alex gave a few well placed moans and thrusts and felt his seed fill her. She smiled at him as he rolled off of her and collapsed onto his back. Alex snuggled in close to him and rubbed his chest.

“Robert, does this mean you’ll leave Olivia alone?”

Grabbing her hand he squeezed it until she yelped. “As long as you are a good and obedient wife, no harm will come to your girlfriend.”

“What do you mean?”

“Alexandra, I will not accept infidelity. No side trysts, affairs or once a year couplings. Understand?”

“Or what Robert? What will happen?”

“The good detective will meet with a very bad accident.”

“You’d kill her?”

“I wouldn’t, but somebody very well paid would.”

“You hate her that much?”

“Yes. I detest lesbians. And I detest anybody who defiles that which is mine.”

“And I’m yours?”

“Undoubtedly.”

“I need assurances Robert. Give me something so I’ll know you’re a man of your word.”

“Raymond Black is ready at a moments notice to end Detective Benson’s miserable life should I place a call. No such call is forth coming as long as you keep your legs closed to anybody but me.”

“You have a contract on Olivia?”

“More or less. It has no expiration date.” He kissed her again and she could feel his new erection pressing into her. “And Alexandra? Should you betray me, there’ll be a second funeral for Alex Cabot. Only this time, there will be a real body inside the coffin.”

He pushed into her again and Alex grimaced at the unexpected invasion. Again she managed a few moans and thrusts and kept her eyes shut until he was finished.

After he left, she stood in the shower letting the scalding water wash her clean.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Olivia! I got the tickets!”

“Hey, that’s great. Now, what are you going to wear?”

“We’ll have to go shopping! Can we go this weekend? Can we?”

“Yeah. No problem.” Olivia watched Sam run through the apartment and shook her head.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex strode through the bull pen and didn’t even spare a glance at Olivia. For her part, Olivia shot a death glare at Elliot who was smirking and stormed out of the bull pen.

“Alex. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine Don. Here’s everything I have. It should be enough.”

He nodded. “You’re sure about this?”

“Hell yes. Just give me a head’s up before you do anything.”

“Alex, it’s none of my business, but what about Olivia?”

For the tiniest of seconds her façade crumbled as she looked at her feet.

“Can you handle that?”

“Yeah, I can. Where will you be? There’s going to be press. Are you ready for this?”

“Yes. The article runs tomorrow morning, so this afternoon might be a good time?”

“Ok. I’ll co-ordinate with Major Case’s Gorin and Eames.” Alex nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“The situation has been taken care of…Sam. I suggest you keep your girlfriend satisfied and away from my fiancé, understand?”

Robert was about to put his phone away when heard, “Freeze! Robert Evanston, you’re under arrest for solicitation of murder, domestic terrorism, and menacing.”

“What are you talking about!”

Bobby Gorin took great pleasure in snapping the cuffs around Robert Evanston’s wrists.

“We’ll explain it all down at the station.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex, it’s Don. It just went down. You might want to get away from the office.”

Alex hung-up the phone and started shaking at the realization that everything had come to a head.

“Al? You ok?”

“Jim? Jim, I need to get out of here. Can you help me?”

Concern washed over Jim as he nodded and helped her up. As they made their way out of her office, a low buzz had started. Alex caught site of a handcuffed Robert being led into the police station and she shook her head. Jim’s mouth fell open as he caught the site, but he managed to keep Alex moving.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia tore into the bull pen and marched into Cragen’s office.

“What the fuck is going on?”

Cragen sighed and rubbed his head.

“Olivia…uh, Robert Evanston has been arrested for solicitation of murder.”

Olivia’s arms were flailing around as she shouted, “That S.O.B. put a hit out on Alex? What the fuck!”

“Olivia! Calm down. Alex is fine. The hit was on you, not her.”

Olivia wheeled around, unable to speak. “Wh-what?”

“Sit down.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“What’s going on Al?”

She took the hot tea Jim offered and added a drop of honey. “Robert made me an offer…threat more like it. Either I marry him or Olivia would get hurt.”

“Hurt?”

“As in dead.”

Jim got up and started pacing. “Jesus Christ! Was her serious?” Alex nodded. “And that’s why he’s been arrested?”

“Yes. I got him on tape threatening her.”

Jim thought about what she said before asking, “How’d you get that? Or do I want to know?” At Alex’s look he shook his head. “Never mind. Al, isn’t this going to out you? In a big way?”

Alex smiled. “There’s an article that’s going to run in tomorrow’s Ledger. It’s my coming out party. So to speak.”

Jim took her hand and rubbed it. “Are you ready for that?”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’ve got some guts Alex.”

“Jim, when you’re in a situation where you have to win, do the unexpected. Vince Lombardi.” He smiled at her.

Never knew you were a Packers fan.”

“I’m not, but I do admire the sentiment.” Her smile faded. “I love her.”

XXXXXXXXXX

“So she slept with Evanston to get him to admit to hiring someone to ‘end my miserable life?’” Cragen nodded and she shook her head. “Why?”

“To save your life?”

Olivia waved him off. “No, I get that, just….”

“Olivia, I’m going to stick my big nose in where it doesn’t belong here. She obviously cares for you. Maybe you should talk to her?”
“Do you know where she is?”

“No. I called her and she was going to get away from the office. You may want to try her cell.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex’s cell phone had been ringing off the hook and she finally shut it off. “Thank you Jim for bringing me here.”

He laughed and said, “Nobody’s going to think to look for you at my place. Do you want something to eat?”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Damn! Straight to voice mail.”

“Liv she’s probably gotten tons of calls and turned her phone off. Just give her a bit of time.”

“Yeah, ok.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Keri? It’s Alex.”

“My God, are you ok? I’ve been trying to get through to your cell but it keeps going straight to voicemail.”

“Yes, I’m fine. I guess you’ve seen the news?”

Keri laughed. “Alex, it’s on CNN. Robert’s a major player in the financial world. Have you talked to Olivia?”

Alex stood and wondered over to Jim’s front window. “No. What do I say? ‘Sorry the man I almost married wanted to have you killed, pass the bread?’”

Keri laughed. “Yes, I suppose it’s going to be a bit of a strange conversation. You should call her though. I’m sure she’s worried.”

“I will. Later.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia made her way home and found Sam waiting for her.

Kissing her she said, “Hey baby.” Sam hugged her and Olivia felt guilty for worrying about Alex when she had Sam. “You haven’t been watching CNN have you?”

“No. Why?” Sam had a sinking feeling.

“Uh, that guy Alex is engaged to….”

“Fucking Alex Cabot! Olivia, get over her! She chose him over you!”

“Sam, calm down! He’s been arrested for trying to have me killed!”

Sam paled. “What?”

Olivia sighed and led the red head over to the couch. “He hired someone to kill me at some future date over….Alex.”

“He never said anything about killing you….”

Olivia’s head shot up. “What? What did you just say?”

Sam caught herself and stammered, “Olivia…I…he…I just….”

Olivia grabbed Sam by the arm and jerked her around. “What are you talking about?”

Tears began to stream down Sam’s face. “I just wanted you to love me! I know you slept with her that night you went out on ‘police business.’”

Olivia let go of Sam’s arm and opened and closed her mouth. “Yes I did and I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on it. But what does that have to do with Robert Evanston?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had managed to get out of Jim’s apartment and into her building without being seen. Her sister picked her up an the service entrance and took her to The Plaza, where she checked into a suite. After getting settled, she picked up the phone to call Olivia. She sighed as the phone rang several times before going to voicemail.

Meanwhile……

“I want you out of here Sam! Now!”

“Olivia! Please!”

“NO! I can’t believe you’d do that!”

“I did it because I love you!”

Olivia shook her head. “Don’t go there. Just don’t. You’re crazy and I want you out of here. I should have kicked you out when you shoved that thing up my ass.” She grabbed her keys and jacket and got ready to leave. “Don’t be here when I get back.”

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia ended up at Chauncey’s and sat at the bar knocking back a few. She decided to call Alex, only to realize her phone wasn’t with her. “Great.”

Alex tried Olivia’s phone again and was surprised when an unfamiliar voice answered.

“Hello? Liv?”

“No, this is Sam. Is this you Alex?”

“…Yes. Is Olivia there?”

“Yes, but she’s busy. We’re busy. Please don’t call again.”

“Oh. Ok. I’m…sorry.” Alex quickly disconnected the call.

Meanwhile…..

“Hey, bar keep, can you give me change?”

Olivia took the change and made her way to the pay phone. She angrily punched in Alex’s cell phone number and was happy when it rang.

“Hello?”

“Alex? It’s Liv. Are you ok?”

“Liv? Sam said you were busy. That the two of you were busy. Where are you?”

“Sam? What are you talking about?”

Olivia listened as Alex explained the phone call.

“Fuck. Alex, we need to talk. There are some things you need to know. Where are you?”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex ushered Olivia into the hotel suite and glanced down the hall before shutting the door.

“Thanks for letting me come by Alex.”

The blonde smiled and motioned for Olivia to sit down. “No problem. It’s the least I can do since my ex-fiance tried to have you killed.”

Olivia gave a half smile before turning serious. “Alex, Robert wasn’t the only one involved in this whole mess.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sam is some how involved. I don’t think she knew he wanted to kill me, but she conspired with him to keep us apart. I…I told her to get out. After all she’s done, this is the last straw.”

“I’m sorry Liv. I really am.”

“Yeah, me too.” They sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia asked, “So now what are you going to do?”

Alex smiled a full blown Cabot smile and filled Olivia in on her plans.

“Wow. That’s some coming out party Alex.”

“Yeah. But it feels right, you know?”

“Yeah, I do. I should get going.”

Alex nodded and walked her to the door.

“Please be careful Olivia.”

“I’m New York’s finest Cabot, nothin’ gonna get me!”

Alex kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug. “I hope not. And Liv? I’m sorry I slept with him, but I thought it was the only way…”

Olivia placed her fingers over Alex’s lips and shook her head.

“You did what you had to.”

Alex watched her leave and felt her chest tighten.

Olivia arrived home to find the apartment empty and sank to her knees and let the tears flow. She finally trudged into the shower and stood under the spray until the water ran cold. She crawled under the covers and fell into a deep sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was awakened by the ringing of her phone and fumbled to answer it.

“…hello?”

“Alex! My God this article is great!!”

“Keri, what time is it?”

“After seven, why?”

“Call me back after ten.”

Meanwhile….

Olivia sat reading the article on Alex that was splashed just below the article on Robert’s arrest. Her phone rang and it was Elliot, offering to give her a ride to the precinct. She’d refused until he told her to look out her window and she saw several reporters and cameramen milling about. She ended up leaving through the basement door and snuck into Elliot’s waiting sedan.

They entered the station by using the garage.

Munch and Fin gave her sympathetic smiles as she got coffee and tried to avoid the curious stares of other cops. She tried to bury herself in paperwork until Cragen called her into his office.

“Captain….”

“Save it Benson. The department is putting you on leave with pay for the next week. They feel you will be a distraction until this whole thing dies down a bit.” She nodded and rose to leave. “Olivia? I’m glad you’re still with us.” She managed a half smile and went to clear off her desk.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

2 Weeks Later

Alex Cabot fidgeted one last time before going to answer her door. Keri Cabot let out a low whistle at her dress.

“You look really good Alex.”

“Thanks. And thanks for being my escort tonight.”

“No problem. Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

She nodded and grabbed her hand bag.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia Benson had never been nervous at social functions before, but this was different. This was the Human Rights Campaign Annual Gala. It was the prom equivalent for gays and lesbians. And she knew Alex was the guest of honor. Since her “coming out” article, Alex had been in non-stop demand on the media circuit.

She and Alex had exchanged a couple of emails, but nothing substantial. She’d drug Munch along to the event using the ticket she’d bought for Sam.

Hearing a commotion, she turned just in time to see Alex and her sister enter the ballroom. There was a flurry of activity surrounding the blonde and Olivia wasn’t sure if Alex had seen her or not.

Mid-way through the night, Alex took the stage and gave a rousing speech that garnered a standing ovation. She did manage to catch Olivia’s eye and gave her a brief wink. Olivia had hoped to get a moment with her former lover, but the night ended with Olivia and Munch leaving after Alex was whisked away from the ball to an exclusive after party hosted by Absolut.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

6 weeks later

Olivia had finally returned to work the week before and she was glad to be back in the grind. She’d received a few voice mails from Alex, and one or two emails, but otherwise they had spoken directly in well over a month.

For her part, Alex was terribly lonely without Liv, but her life had been non-stop since coming out. She’d feared a backlash, but instead, it seemed lesbians were in season in New York, and everybody wanted Alex Cabot. In fact, Arthur had non too gently suggested she make a run for the D.A.’s office. She was weighing her options and while that had once appealed to her, she found that her priorities had changed.

She’d been reassigned from SVU to Major Case’s in the event she did in deed run for office. Personally, when she had the time which was never it seemed, her social calendar was full. There was nbo shortage of date offers, most of which she declined.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

6 months later

“Liv, come on, it’s been six months. You gotta quit living like a married woman and get back out there!”

“Drop it El. I’ll start dating again when I’m ready.”

The words sounded hollow even to her ears. She’d waited patiently for Alex and they’d fallen into a pattern of weeks with no contact and then days of intense emails only to be followed by weeks of nothing. And she knew she was in love with the younger woman and she’d pledged to herself to wait for as long as it took. She believed in Alex.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex picked up the phone determined to call Olivia and set up a lunch date. She’d dialed the first three numbers when Arthur came barging into her office.

“Alexandra, we need to know if you are going to run for D.A. or not?”

Frustrated, she hung-up the phone and stared at her boss, bracing herself for the conversation ahead.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next day

“Hey Liv, did you see this?”

Olivia took the paper out of Elliot’s hand and read the headline: “Lesbian ADA Alex Cabot steps down to take Executive Position with the Children’s Defense League.”

“Wow!”

“You didn’t know?”

“Uh, no. I mean, I didn’t check my email last night.” She logged on and was relieved to find a brief email from Alex letting her know what was up and promising to call later that day.

Every time the phone rang, Liv got her hopes up, only to be disappointed. Alex had tried to call Olivia multiple times, only to be interrupted by numerous phone calls seeking comment about her resignation.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

1 year later

It had been a long, hard journey, but Alex Cabot finally felt like she had the CDL whipped into shape. She’d been so submersed in work, that her contact with Olivia had dwindled to almost nothing. They hadn’t actually been in the same room in almost a year. She often thought about her former lover .

Olivia Benson knew she still loved Alex Cabot, but she had to admit that their getting back together was looking dimmer and dimmer. She’d started considering the possibility that her life would have to continue without Alex.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

3 years later

Alex Cabot collapsed inside her apartment, happy to finally be home. Really home. The CDL had opened a west coast branch and she’d spent the last three years in Los Angeles, with only brief trips back to NYC. She and Olivia had tried to get together the first few times she was back, but Olivia’s job always interrupted. The last time Alex had called Olivia’s apartment, a woman had answered the phone. Alex had hung-up without saying a word and cried for the next hour.

While in LA, she’d had a few casual affairs and had even managed one relationship that lasted almost six months. The woman bore a striking resemblance to Olivia, a fact she staunchly denied when Keri had come for a visit and mentioned it. She also managed to work Olivia into the conversation at every opportunity.

Shortly after her sister had gone back east, Alex had dumped the woman without an explanation.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia carried the last of the boxes down to the truck. She and Cindy stood awkwardly looking at each other, unsure of what to do. The blonde leaned in and gave her a chaste kiss. They hugged and then she turned and got into the truck. She didn’t look back.

Hugging herself, Olivia Benson felt bad for not caring more that her longest relationship, well, the one besides her secret torch for Alex, had ended. Cindy was a good woman who deserved somebody who could love her and only her.

Sighing, she went back into the building and crashed on her couch.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

1 week later

“Cabot.”

“They broke up over a week ago Alex. What are you waiting for?”

“Keri….it’s been over four years. I’m sure she’s over me.”

“Yeah, right. Her address is the same Alex. Go!”

“And say what?”

“Oh dear sister. Listen to Keri…..”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was Saturday night and Olivia was spending a nice, quiet night at home. She’d made dinner, rented a movie and was lounging on the sofa in her flannel PJ’s. On nights like these, she missed Alex. She missed what could have been, what never got to be. She groaned when the buzzer sounded. She started to not answer it, but thinking better of it, she opened the door without looking through the peep hole.

Standing before her was Alex Cabot. They stood staring for a few minutes before Olivia spoke.

“What took you so long?”

Smiling, Alex walked into her arms and they kissed. And finally, Alex Cabot had ‘that feeling.’

FINI