TITLE: Stalking Love

PAIRING: A/?

RATING: R

SUMMARY: Though lover’s be lost, Love is not, for death shall have no dominion.

SPOILER: Manhunt

Alex Cabot massaged her temples for the hundredth time in less than an hour as she listened to Olivia’s answering machine pick-up once again.

“Olivia, it’s Alex. Again. I just wanted to let you know I’m on my way to Canada to try and extradite Daryl Kern. I’ll have my cell phone, but don’t worry about the international charges. Just call if you need anything related to the case….or anything else.” Like me. Or if you want to give me an answer as to why you suddenly broke up with me for no apparent reason. Alex tossed her phone into her briefcase and went in search of a cab to the train station.

Olivia Benson lay on her couch watching the flashing red light of her answering machine. Without replaying the message, she hit the erase button and grabbed her jacket, heading out to the nearest bar.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The train ride to Canada seemed to take forever. She’d given up on “reviewing” the documents for Kern’s extradition and allowed her mind to drift to Olivia and their aborted love affair. They’d had a blissful two months together before Olivia had been saddled with a five week undercover assignment that had kept them apart. Contact had been minimal and when they had been together, Olivia had been distant. Alex had written it off as work stress. She’d done that right up until the day Olivia had called her and told her she didn’t want a romantic relationship with the young attorney. Alex had been devastated, but had politely said she understood and listened as Olivia offered her friendship.

And so, three months later, here they were; apart, barely speaking and friendship nowhere in sight. She was jarred back to the present by the announcement that they had arrived across the boarder. Gathering her belongings, she made her way off the train and to the police station.

Three hours later, she was assuring John Munch that she hadn’t come all the way to Canada to go home empty handed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

After coming up with a way to circumvent the Canadian legal system, she called Olivia’s home phone and cell under the guise of giving her an update on the case. Getting only her voicemail, she decided to join Munch and Fin in the hotel bar for a drink.

“You really think the Canucks will go for that theory Cabot?”

Alex smiled smugly and nodded as she took a sip of her wine. “No reason for them not to.” Fin and Alex shared a laugh until she realized Munch wasn’t laughing.

“What’s wrong John?”

Shaking his head, he got up and left the bar.

“This case is personal for him Alex. He blames himself for that girl’s pain.”

Alex nodded. “I’m going to get him Fin. I promise.”

Fin regarded her and chose his words very carefully.

“So….how’re you doin’ Alex?”

“I’m fine.”

“Alex….”

Shocked, Alex looked at Fin. “What….?”

Fin covered her hand and gave her a squeeze. “Olivia?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Alex, we all know. It’s cool. So, what happened?”

Blushing, she tried to formulate an answer. She finally settled on shaking her head. “I don’t know Fin. One day we were fine, the next we weren’t. Do you know if anything happened on that assignment?”

Fin shook his head. “It was fairly routine. Maybe she had too much time by herself and too much time to think. Don’t know.”

Alex nodded and excused herself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alone in her room, she considered calling Olivia’s answering machine, just to hear the detective’s voice. Deciding she wasn’t that pathetic, she took a shower and turned in. She considered doing something for herself, but opted against it.

She was just about asleep when her cell phone rang. She answered, only to hear a very drunk Olivia Benson on the other end of the line.

“Liv? Are you ok? Are you driving?”

Olivia laughed. “No Cabot, I’m not driving. How’s Canada? Seen any beaver’s up there?” The detective laughed at her own sad joke.

“Olivia, why are you drunk? Did something happen?”

“Naw. Just checking in on my second favorite piece of ass.”

Alex couldn’t help herself. “Second?”

“Yeah. My first favorite piece is the woman I’m gonna be fucking by night’s end.”

Choking back tears, Alex replied, “Good-bye Olivia.”

Olivia swiped at her tears as she trudged into her bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex felt very little glee in her victory over Daryl Kern. She was still smarting from the previous night’s call and images of Olivia Benson in bed with another woman.

She did manage to smile at the relieved look on Munch’s face when she reported they would be taking custody of Daryl Kern the next day. She accepted Fin’s invitation to join them for a celebration in the hotel bar. Midway through her third drink, Munch got up to make a phone call.

“Probably calling that girl he feels guilty about.” Alex nodded and felt her own mood plummet. She excused herself to use the restroom and Fin watched her ass with an appreciative eye as she walked away. His smile faded as Munch resumed his place at the table. “Get a hold of her?”

“No. She was going to go stay with her mother out of the city. I’ll just drop by to see her when we get Kern safely behind bars.”

Munch admired the sway of Alex’s breast as she made her way back to the table. He offered to buy her another drink, but she declined, excusing herself for the final time.

Both men watched her leave with more than a casual glance.

“Cabot’s a fine lookin’ woman.”

“I’ll say. Benson is a damn fool.”

They both ordered another round of drinks. And then another.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had her damp hair pulled back into a ponytail, and was wearing her glasses. She slipped into Liv’s NYPD t-shirt she’d stolen from the brunette. She’d just gotten settled into bed and found something on TV when there was a knock at her door.

Checking the peephole, she was surprised to see one of her SVU detective’s on her doorstep.

Opening the door, she said, “Detective? Is everything….”

She was cut off by a single finger to her lips. Time stood still as the distance between them was closed. The kiss was light at first, but when Alex didn’t resist, the detective deepened it. Alex’s inner voice was screaming for her to stop, but her body was responding and her heart was looking for anything to take the pain of Olivia’s continual rejection away.

As they broke apart, the detective took in Alex’s freshly scrubbed face, her glasses and her red toenails. His eyes made their way up her legs and settled at the hem of the t-shirt. Reaching out, he pulled it over her head, leaving her in only her panties. He began undressing himself and watched as Alex blushed at his nakedness.

Gently pushing her down, he removed her panties and settled between her legs. When she was ready, he pushed into her.

The sex was frantic and rough and wild. Alex dug her fingernails into his back and cried out as her orgasm hit. A few thrusts later, and he collapsed on top of her.

As Alex regained her balance, the weight of the detective became unbearable and she began to push at him. The detective mis-read her and went into the bathroom. Returning with a washcloth, he tried to clean her, but flinched when she jerked away.

Pulling the sheet around her, she rolled to the edge of the bed as a tear escaped her eye.

“Alex…..”

“Don’t. We shouldn’t have done this.”

He quickly dressed and made his way back to the room he shared with his partner. The other man was softly snoring as he showered and went to bed, more depressed than ever.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex showered and felt her tears mix with the rapidly cooling water.

Her cell phone was ringing as she got out of the shower, and she felt ill when she saw it was Olivia’s number.

“Hello?”

“Uh….Alex. It’s me. Olivia.”

Alex bit her lip. “Everything ok?”

“No. I-I need to talk to you. When you get back. Can we, can we do that?”

“Uh, yes. Uh…I’ll call you when I get back.” She quickly hung-up the phone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had her stoic look firmly in place the next morning as they took possession of Daryl Kern. She opted to catch a flight back, at her own expense, instead of riding back with the detective’s.

After filing all necessary paperwork, she made her way to her apartment. Slipping the key into her lock, she found Olivia Benson and a candlelight dinner waiting for her.

“Olivia…..”

Olivia shyly walked over to Alex and hugged her, noticing the younger woman’s flinch at her touch.

“I’m sorry Liv, it’s just been a long trip and you’ve surprised me.”

It’s ok Alex. Uh, I made your favorite; pot roast.” She smiled and hurried into the kitchen. Alex took a seat at the table and watched as Olivia hurried around, serving dinner. They ate in almost complete silence and Alex was glad for the lack of conversation. Olivia shooed her into the living room while she cleared the table.

She joined Alex on the couch and took a deep breath before beginning.

“Alex….I’ve been an idiot. I got scared and I ran and I pushed you away. I just…I’ve never felt like this before and I convinced myself it couldn’t work; that you’d leave me. I just, well, I’m sorry. I…I want you back.” She looked at Alex hopefully and the blonde got up and went to stand in front of her window.

“Oh Liv….” Alex felt tears threatening and sucked in a ragged breath. Crossing her arms, she held herself and began to rock back and forth. She startled as she felt Olivia’s arms go around her from behind.

“I’m sorry I hurt you Alex. I’m so sorry.” She buried her nose in Alex’s neck and gently kissed her. “Please let me try to make it up to you.” She turned the younger woman in her arms and pulled her close as Alex burst into tears and began to nod her head. Olivia began to smile. “Is that yes?”

Alex sniffled. “Yes, I want that Liv, but…”

Olivia placed her finger on Alex’s lips and shushed her. Alex had a flashback to the previous night and closed her eyes against the image. Olivia thought it was an invitation to kiss the blonde and obliged her. She was caught off guard when Alex jerked away.

“I’m sorry Liv, but I can’t…”

“What? You can’t what?”

“I can’t just jump right back in where we left off. I need time.”

“I lied to you the other night….about sleeping with another woman. There wasn’t one. There hasn’t been anyone. I swear.”

At Olivia’s admission, Alex began to sob.

“Hey, it’s ok. Shhhh.” She walked the blonde over to the couch and sat down with her, rocking her back and forth.

Alex finally got control of her emotions and swiped at her tears as her breathing returned to normal.

“Alex? Can I spend the night? No sex, just to sleep next to you?”

“No!” Swallowing hard, Alex continued, “What I mean is, not tonight Liv. It was a rough trip and now this and I just need some time. Alone. I need to decompress a bit.”

Olivia nodded and brushed a quick kiss across Alex’s lips before seeing herself to the door. After she was gone, Alex took another shower and cried some more. She crawled into bed, content to forget the last four days of her life. She fell into an uneasy sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex found every reason possible to avoid going to the squad room the next day, but did take all three of Olivia’s phone calls. She agreed to go to lunch with Olivia and found her spirits lifting as the meal wore on.

They had lunch every day for the next week and Alex had Olivia over for dinner twice. Each time the detective had tried to deepen their kisses, Alex pulled away, haunted by memories of the last person to kiss her in such a way. Olivia had been patient and even placating of Alex’s attitude and chalked it all up to second time jitters.

Three weeks after getting back from Canada, Alex couldn’t avoid the station any longer. Steeling her nerves, she stiffened her spine and strode through the bullpen with purpose. She kept her head held high as she made her way into Cragen’s office.

As she was leaving, she noticed Olivia and Elliot were out on a call and assumed Munch and Fin were out as well. She’d just breathed a sigh of relief when a hand reached out and grabbed her.

“What…?”

“We have to talk about this Alex.”

Alex hissed, “No we don’t! It never should have happened. I’m sorry I let you into my room that night and I’m sorry what happened, happened. I lost my self respect, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to just forget it ever happened. Please.”

“Fine, but you have to meet me for dinner and then I’ll leave you alone. There’s something we need to discuss.”

Alex studied him for a long time before agreeing. Shaking free, she hurried down the hallway.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Cabot.” She listened to the voice of Olivia Benson and allowed a genuine smile to grace her face for the first time in weeks.

“Hey you. Wanna grab some dinner tonight? My treat?”

Alex started to say yes, but remembering her dinner date, she reluctantly begged off and heard the disappointment in Olivia’s voice. Giving her apologies to Olivia, she disconnected the call and stared at the clock, willing it to be seven pm as soon as possible.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She had to give him credit, he’d chosen a nice restaurant. He was already seated when she arrived and stood up while she was seated.

At her surprised look he said, “My mother did teach me manners.”

“Yes, I’m sure she did. It’s just….” She settled for waving him off and began looking at the menu.

Dinner was a strained affair and by the time coffee arrived, Alex was about to burst. Sensing her distress, he took her hand, which she quickly yanked away.

“Relax Alex. I know the score and I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I don’t regret what happened, but I get that you do. It won’t make me happy to just sweep this under the rug, but obviously your heart belongs to Olivia. However, there is one thing that remains to be seen.”

Feeling relief, Alex asked, “What?”

“Alex, when was the last time you had sex with a man? Besides me, I mean.”

“That’s…”

“Answer the question.”

“The last time I had sex with a man, was the first and only time I had sex with a man, besides you, when I was 19. Why?”

“Are your periods regular?”

“What!”

“Are they regular?”

“Yes, why…..” Alex’s blood ran cold.

“Judging by the look on your face, it’s safe to assume you aren’t on any form of birth control, correct?”
Alex simply stared at him as he continued, “And I know I didn’t use anything that night, so there’s a possibility….”

Alex Cabot took one last look at John Munch and promptly passed out.

She came to and found the very concerned face of John Munch watching her intently.

“Oh God. It wasn’t a dream.”

Munch dryly replied, “Glad to see the thought of carrying my child disgusts you.” He waved the waiter away, but did take a fresh glass of water for Alex.

“John…it doesn’t disgust me because it’s you, I just, I don’t think I ever want children. At least not right now and, well….”

“Not with me? Nice sperm bank with Olivia maybe?”

“Oh God, Liv. This is not good.” Alex struggled to sit up and hastily took the glass of water from Munch.

Munch re-took his seat and watched as Alex drank the water.

“When will you know Alex?”

Doing the calculation in her head, she said, “Within the week.”

“You’ll let me know? Before you slip off to the clinic?”

She nodded and excused herself, eager to get as far away from John Munch as possible.

Hailing a cab, she called Olivia.

“Liv? Can you meet me at my apartment? Just use your key and come on in.”

After the short ride to her apartment, Alex hurried inside and changed into her silk robe. She lit some candles in the bedroom and spritzed some perfume behind her ears. Hearing the key in the lock, she took a deep breath and waited for Olivia. As the brunette made her way down the darkened hall toward the bedroom, she felt a stirring in her nether regions. Entering the room, she saw Alex’s back.

“Alex?”

The blonde dropped her robe and turned to face Olivia. Looking a bit self-conscious, a faint blush colored her body. Olivia’s mouth went dry as she began removing her own clothing.

Soon they were standing naked at the foot of Alex’s bed. Olivia sought permission from Alex before touching the blonde. At Alex’s slight nod, she cupped a firm breast. Alex bit back a sigh and leaned into the touch. Olivia moved in and captured Alex’s lips.

Soon they were moving together on Alex’s bed, sheets rustling, quiet moans echoing throughout the bedroom. As they climaxed, Olivia leaned in a whispered an ‘I love you’ to Alex. Alex rolled onto her side and felt the tears roll down her face.

Olivia spooned up behind Alex and wrapped her arms around the blonde. “Hey, it’s ok Alex. I’m here.”

Alex turned to face Olivia and sobbed. Clinging to the brunette, she repeated ‘I’m sorry’ over and over.

Olivia wiped at her tears and shushed her. “Hey sweetie….it’s ok. I’m the one who should be apologizing, not you. I hurt you.” At that, Alex sobbed even harder and buried her face in Olivia’s neck. Olivia held her and rocked her until the sobs quieted. Alex began to kiss her neck and before long, she had Olivia on her back. Their coupling this time was frantic, angry almost. Again Alex cried and again Olivia held her. And again Alex repeated ‘I’m sorry’ over and over.

For the first time in days Alex slept like the dead. She awoke the next morning with a stuffy nose and the arm of Olivia Benson holding her protectively. For a brief second she felt safe and the horror of what she’d done with John Munch was out of her mind. For a second. As she remembered her indiscretion, she let out a long, hard breath.

“You ok sleepyhead?”

Despite the images playing in her head, Alex had to smile. “Mmmmmh. I could be better Detective Benson. Care to help me out?”

“I aim to please counselor.” And with that she did.

After a quick shower together, Olivia dressed and headed out to her apartment to get ready for work, leaving Alex alone. The younger woman stood in front of her mirror studying her body and offering up a prayer to a deity she wasn’t sure she believed in, asking for a favor she was sure she wouldn’t get.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For the next few days, Alex relaxed a bit and began to settle back into her relationship with Olivia. She pushed all thoughts of John Munch out of her mind. She even made a couple of trips to the squad room and studiously ignored Munch.

The date of her period came and went and she ignored her lack of cramps and PMS. Munch had called and left her several messages pushing the issue of whether or not her ‘friend’ had arrived. Each time he left a message, she erased it. Five days after the fact, Munch waited outside her office and cornered her as she was leaving for a dinner date with Olivia.

“Avoiding me Alex?”

“What? No. I’ve just been….busy.”

“With the good detective no doubt. Have you started your period?”

“No….I haven’t. It’s probably just stress.”

“Have you taken a test?”

“I don’t….”

“Do it Alex. Tomorrow morning or I swear I’ll come and camp out on your doorstep.”

Alex nodded and hurried past John Munch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She stopped by the drug store on her way home and bought the first test she found. Stuffing the box down into her bag, she hurried to the restaurant to meet Liv.

They ate and talked about the days events. Alex was distracted, but kept up with most of the conversation. They parted after dinner with Alex citing a need to go back to the office and pick up some files. Olivia agreed to stop by later that night after stopping by her apartment and getting clothes for the next day.

After making sure Olivia was headed uptown, Alex doubled back and caught a cab to her apartment. Hurrying through the apartment, she stuffed the bag containing the box under the sink in the bathroom, between some towels. She’d just gotten changed when she heard the door open and Olivia called out to her.

They watched TV for a while before retiring to the bedroom where they made love. As they lay spooned together, Alex thought about the EPT in her bathroom.

“What are you thinking about Alex?”

“How do you know I’m thinking about something?”

Olivia kissed her temple and sighed. “I know you. I know that look even though I can’t see your face.”

Alex laughed. “Just thinking about things. About the future. About…us.”

Olivia gave a non-committal grunt. “I love you Olivia. No matter what, I love you and I want to be with you forever.”

“I love you too sweetie and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises Olivia.”

“What? Oh Alex, you’re just being emotional. Is it that time of the month?”

Alex stiffened and pulled Olivia’s arm more firmly around her. Soon, she heard a soft snore come from the brunette. Sighing, she drifted off into a deep sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was vaguely aware of Olivia leaving the bed the next morning. Hearing the shower start, she smiled and drifted back off to sleep.

Olivia grabbed the towel and dried her hair. Throwing on her underwear, she reached for her toothbrush. Scrubbing her teeth, she turned the water on to rinse and only a trickle came out. Playing with the knobs, she finally gave up and looked under the sink. She saw the leak and cursed. She began pulling all of the towels out and watched the paper bag fall to the floor.

Reaching in to cut the water off, she held the now wet bag. “Alex! Sweetie, you’ve got a leak in the bathroom.”

Alex jerked awake and groaned at having yet another leak in her bathroom. Stumbling out of bed, she made her way to the bathroom. Opening the door she felt her heart skip a beat.

“Why do you have this?” Olivia Benson was holding up the wet EPT box and the receipt.

Alex stood with her mouth opening and closing, unable to speak. She reached for the box, but Olivia pulled away and stood up. Inching closer to Alex, she repeated, “Alex, sweetie, why do you have this?”

Alex closed her eyes and when she opened them, she choked out, “Because I’m late.”

“You’re late? As in, like, you might be pregnant late?” Alex nodded. “Uh, you went to a sperm bank?”

Shaking her head, Alex responded, “No, I didn’t go to a sperm bank.”

“Then how could you be pregnant?” At Alex’s look, she finally clued in. “Oh. You had sex with a man?”

“Yes.”

Olivia rubbed her head. “I didn’t think you went that way Alex. I mean, you never alluded to any past relationships with men.”

Alex turned and walked back to the bed. Olivia followed and stood before her as Alex tried to explain.

“It was a few weeks ago. Before we got back together. And no, I’ve never really had a relationship with a man.”

Olivia was thinking back to the time before they had gotten back together. Doing the math, she realized Alex had spent a few days in Canada.

“Canada?”

Surprised, Alex nodded and waited for Olivia to put the rest of it together.

“So it was a one night stand, not a relationship or casual dating?” Alex winced at the term and nodded. “I don’t mean anything by that Alex. I’m just trying to figure out how this all played out.” She looked hopefully at Alex.

Tears were silently streaming down Alex’s face. “I’m sorry Liv, but it just happened. I was alone and you’d called and said those awful things about sleeping with another woman, and it just hurt so bad. It…it just happened. It shouldn’t have and I felt so awful afterwards. I still do.”

Olivia took her hand and kissed it. “It’s ok Alex. We weren’t together. As long as he didn’t hurt you?” Alex shook her head. “Ok. So, you’re late. Which means you could be pregnant.” They sat silently for a minute. “That also means you didn’t use anything, right?”

“No.” Alex was swiping at her tears. “God I was so stupid.”

Olivia pulled her into a hug and shushed her. “Maybe you, we, should get tested? Just in case?”

Alex thought about John Munch and the possibility that he might have a disease. “I guess we could, but I don’t think it’s much of a risk….”

Olivia cut her off. “Sweetie, it was some guy you hardly know! We can’t be too careful.”

Alex’s tears began falling anew as she struggled to tell Olivia who she had slept with. “Liv…he, it was…I mean…”

“Shhh. Don’t. I don’t need to know who it is Alex. Not until we know for sure if you’re pregnant or not. And then only because I think a child should know who their father is. You do have his name, right?”

“Oh yeah, I have it.”

Olivia thought about the implications of a baby. The more she thought about it, the more the idea grew on her. She felt a smile grace her face.

“A baby…we could have a baby.”

Alex stiffened in her arms and looked at Olivia. “You’d want this? A baby? With me?”

“Yeah, I think I might. I love you Alex and maybe this is God’s gift to us?”

Alex shook her head as if trying to clear it. “Olivia, I don’t know about this baby thing. I mean, I never really thought about having a baby. And not one conceived under these circumstances.”

Olivia ran her hands through Alex’s hair. “Oh sweetie! You just haven’t thought this all the way through. You’ll make a wonderful mother!”

“Maybe.” Alex forced a smile.

“Are you going to take the test now?”

Alex took the box from Olivia’s hands and shook her head. “It’s an afternoon test. I’ll take it after work.” She gave a faint smile to Olivia and hurried into the bathroom with the test. Coming back out, she bent and kissed Olivia.

“I’ll stop by as soon as I can after work, ok?”

Alex nodded. “Liv? Please don’t say anything to anybody, ok?” Olivia nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As soon as she heard the door shut, she hurried into the bathroom and opened the test. Reading the directions, she laid everything out. After cursing the idea of peeing on a stick, she did it and spent the next five minutes trying not to think about the next five minutes.

When enough time had passed, she looked at the test, holding it up to the light to make sure she was seeing it correctly. Reading the results, she placed the stick on the counter and went to get ready for work.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot noticed Olivia was fidgety all morning. Kidnapping her for lunch, he grilled her.

“What gives? You’re like a junkie looking for a fix.”

She couldn’t help the smile that graced her face. “Alex and I may have news. Big news.”

Elliot raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” Olivia nodded. “Well?”

“I promised her I wouldn’t say anything.” Elliot smirked. “Since you twisted my arm, there is a possibility Alex may be pregnant!”

He spewed his coffee. Gasping, he looked at Olivia. “A baby? How the hell did that happen?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex hurried through the halls, trying to get to her office without bumping into anyone or thing. She’d just arrived at her door when a hand reached out and grabbed her.

“Oh!” Turning, she saw the unsmiling face of John Munch.

“Counselor. I believe you have a test result for me this morning?”

Alex opened her office door and waved Munch inside. Taking her time, she went about her morning ritual of getting ready for the day. Munch allowed her this time and waited patiently until finally she took a seat at her desk. She motioned for him to sit down.

“Olivia found the EPT this morning.”

“And?”

“And I told her there was a possibility I was pregnant. She knows it happened in Canada, but doesn’t want to know who it is unless there is a baby. She actually seemed excited about the prospect of having a baby.”

“That’ll change if she ever finds out it was me.”

Ale nodded. “She wanted me to take the test, but I lied and told her it was an afternoon test.” At his dubious look she continued, “It was the best I could come up with.”

“Did you take the test or not?”

“Yes, I took the test.”

“And?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“So Alex is ok with having a baby by some guy she hardly knows?”

Olivia shrugged. “Why not?”

“Well….”

“My mother had me.”

“Uh Liv, with all due respect, your mother was raped.”

“Yep. And still, she had me.”

“Liv, Alex has options that your mother may not have had.” He was trying to be delicate.

Olivia felt her blood begin to boil. “Elliot, my mother knew people. She could have gotten an abortion if she wanted to, but she didn’t. Alex wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t have an abortion.”

“So you’ve discussed this? You know she wouldn’t?”

“Well, we haven’t specifically discussed abortion as it pertains to either of us, but I’m pretty sure I know the answer.”

Elliot looked doubtful, but let it slide.

Alex took a deep breath and bit her lower lip. “It was positive John.”

Munch looked as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. Shaking his head he got up and began to pace.

“Any idea what you are going to do?”

Alex picked up her pen and started taking the top off and on. “I…I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never thought about having kids. Never really consider them. I…I don’t know.”

“What about Olivia?”

Alex groaned. “I don’t even want to think about that. Not at all.”

“Mmmmhhhh. Do you care about what I want?”

Alex sighed. “Honestly? No. And for that I’m sorry. However, this does include you, so why don’t you tell me.”

“It’s a child Alex. My child. But like I once told Fin, the best thing I could ever do for my child is to not have him or her. I support a woman’s right to choose, but I wouldn’t mind being a father either.”

Alex pinched the bridge of her nose. “Needless to say, let’s just keep this between us for the time being. Ok?”

Munch nodded. “What are you going to tell Olivia?”

“I don’t know, but I’m not ready to have this conversation yet.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia was antsy the rest of the day and just before five, Elliot told her to go ahead and leave. She left Alex a message that she was leaving, but had an errand to run before stopping by. She stopped at Macy’s and went straight to the baby section. Finding a tiny pair of light green baby booties, she bought them and had them gift wrapped.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot let out a long breath when she heard Olivia’s message. She was grateful to have a few more minutes to figure out what she was going to tell her lover. She thought about lying and saying it was negative, and slipping off to have an abortion. She thought about telling her the truth about being pregnant and lying that it was John Munch’s. She thought about just telling her the truth about everything. In the end, was as confused as ever.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

John Munch sat on a bar stool in an upscale bar across town. He liked to come to this place instead of the regular cop bar when he was feeling moody. He sat nursing a scotch neat and thinking about Alex and the child they had created. He would never admit it to anyone, but he’d always wanted, longed, for a child. He knew he had strong feelings for Alex Cabot, and he knew she was totally gone over Olivia Benson. He was used to rejection. He just wished it didn’t hurt so much.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia Benson stopped and picked up fresh flowers on her way to Alex’s and let herself into the blonde’s apartment. The living room was dark as she made her way down the hall to Alex’s bedroom. She found Alex standing in front of her closet, going through outfits with surgical precision.

“Hey.”

Startled, Alex dropped the skirt she was holding. “Liv….hi.” She accepted the flowers and kiss Olivia gave her. “I should put these in some water.” She started to move around her lover, but Olivia’s hand caught her. “What?”

Olivia leaned back in and gave her a more thorough kiss. Taking the flowers from the blonde, she led her over to the bed and eased her down. She began undressing the younger woman and then herself. Reaching for the light switch, she threw the room into darkness and resumed kissing Alex.

Their lovemaking was tender and achingly sweet. Alex cradled Olivia afterwards. She was about to drift off when she felt wetness on her lower abdomen. Tears sprang to her eyes as she realized Olivia was kissing her where her body held the child. Her child. John Munch’s child.

“Alex?”

Unable to speak, she made an affirmative noise.

“I hope you are pregnant. I’ve always wanted a family. I…I just never told anybody because I never thought I’d have the opportunity.” Easing up next to Alex, she continued, “I love you Alex. I love you so much it scares me, but I’m here. No matter what, I’m here. If you are pregnant, we’ll raise this child together. That is, if you’ll have me.”

“Oh Liv. I love you too.” She wiped at her tears. “But Liv, if I am pregnant, I’m not so sure having this child is the right thing for me.”

She felt Olivia go rigid. “What are you talking about Alex? It’s a baby. Your baby. And it could be my baby too. We could have a family. Don’t you want that?”

Alex sighed. “Honestly Liv, I never really thought about it. I’ve never considered motherhood.”

“Oh.”

Alex rushed to reassure Olivia. “That doesn’t mean I’m against having a child, it just means I’ve never really thought about, but the few times it’s crossed my mind, I’ve always pictured you in the equation.”

Olivia’s head popped up. “Really? Cool!” Alex smiled in the darkness.

“Liv, if I am pregnant, have you thought about how the father will fit into the equation?”

“I thought you said it was somebody in Canada? I don’t see how he’ll be a factor beyond DNA.”

“Yes, it happened in Canada, but I thought you of all people would understand a child’s need to know their father? And with knowing the father comes legal rights. Have you considered that?”

Olivia was quiet for a few minutes. “Well…Canada is more progressive than the good ol’ US of A. I mean, they allow gay marriage, so maybe it won’t be an issue?”

“Maybe.” If I can convince John Munch to disappear.

“So, can we take the test now?”

“Uh, well, I already did.”

“And?” Olivia sounded excited.

“It was inconclusive. I mean, it had one big blurry line so I don’t know if I am or not.”

“Oh. Ok. So now what?”

“I’ll wait a couple of days and take it again or make an appointment with the doctor.”

Olivia snuggled into Alex and drifted off to sleep. Alex lay there for at least an hour, and when Olivia’s breath evened out, she eased out of bed made her way to the living room. Thumbing through the phone book, she jotted down several numbers and slipped them into her briefcase. She eased back into bed with Olivia and tried to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia left a sleeping Alex the next morning on her way to the station. Bending down, she gave the blonde a kiss on the forehead. Smiling, she left the apartment. She couldn’t help the smile that graced her face all morning. She ignored Elliot’s attempts at giving her a hard time and she even volunteered to make coffee.

John Munch had watched Olivia Benson all morning. He didn’t think Alex had told Olivia, or he was sure he’d be dead by now. He decided to drop by and see Alex before lunch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex crossed another name off the list and picked up the phone to dial the next number. After waiting on hold for an eternity, she was finally talking to a real live human.

“Yes, I’m pregnant. About six weeks and I want to schedule a consultation for termination.” Jotting down the date and time, she hung-up the phone. Before she could process what she’d just done, John Munch poked his head inside the office.

“Alex? Got a minute?”

She did not want to talk to John Munch, but she knew she’d have to deal with him at some point in time.

“Sure. What can I do for you?”

“I take it you either didn’t tell Olivia you’re pregnant or you didn’t tell her it’s my child too?”

“No, I didn’t tell her and I’m not going to. I made an appointment for the initial consultation for termination. You know the state instituted the new three day waiting period.”

Munch looked away, trying to gather his composure. “So, you’ve made your decision? Just like that?”

“Don’t start John! As you said yesterday, it’s my decision!”

He held up a hand to forestall her rant. “Relax Alex. I know it’s your decision. I’m not happy about this, but what rights do I have?”

“No-“

“I’m aware of my lack of rights Alex. I’ll go with you.”

“John….”

“This is not up for debate Alex. And I’ll pay for it.”

“John….”

They were interrupted by a knock on Alex’s door.

“Come in.”

Olivia Benson was wearing a smile as she walked into Alex’s office. She was surprised to see Munch sitting in Alex’s office, and she noticed Alex looked rather pale.

“Sweetie, are you ok? You kinda pale.”

“I’m fine Liv. I…I was just going over an old case with John that may come up on appeal.”

“Well, you let me know when it looks like this might take place Alex. Ok?”

“Uh, yes John.”

“Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lunch date.”

Olivia smiled at him. “Tell Fin I said hi.”

Munch stopped at the door and turned around. Looking directly at Alex he said, “It’s not with Fin. I have a lunch date with a lady friend.”

For some reason, his comment bothered Alex. Pushing the thought aside, she smiled at Olivia and gathered her jacket. She followed Olivia out of the building and across the street to their usual lunch hang-out. She sat quietly as Olivia rattled on about babies and schools and how much she wanted children.

Olivia was so wrapped up in what she was saying, she didn’t notice Alex had gone quiet and hadn’t touched her food.

Olivia was late getting back from lunch, and was surprised when Elliot grabbed her before she was even back to her desk.

“Come on Liv. We’ve got another bomb threat!”

“What? Where?”

“NYU Medical Research facility. They’re doing a bunch of stem cell research with abandoned embryos.”

Olivia groaned as she followed Elliot out to their sedan. Throwing on the dash light, she pushed all thoughts of Alex out of her mind. She jumped out of the car as soon as they got close enough. She handed Elliot a kevlar vest as soon as he joined her.

“What’s the situation Liv?”

“Same M.O. as last time. And the time before. Call came in right at the end of lunch. TERU is working on a voice print match from the other two phone ins, but we’re pretty sure it’s the same guy. Says there is a bomb inside the facility that he may or may not set off. So he’s using a remote detonator. The bomb squad moved in with the dogs about 15 minutes ago.”

Elliot nodded and moved in the direction of the mobile surveillance truck. He was studying footage from the security cameras when he heard a commotion outside. Sticking his head out, he saw members of the bomb squad carrying a defused pipe bomb out in a burn bag.

“Elliot, they got it. TERU is going to take a look at it. Cragen called and he wants us back at the house ASAP.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Ok people, listen up. This is the third time this whack job has called in a bomb threat. Only this time, there was actually a bomb. TERU is taking it apart piece by piece. SVU has been asked to step up the support we’re giving since the first threat called in was to a Planned Parenthood center. So we’ve got a PP as our first target with no actual bomb., the pharmacy on West 52nd, and now the NYU Medical Research facility.”

Elliot rubbed his chin. “I get the first and third, but why target a pharmacy?”

Olivia read over the report. “It says here that the pharmacist, Joe Rogerro, agreed to carry the abortion pill, despite pressure from the neighborhood and the parish not to.”

“What neighborhood?”

“Little Italy. Right in the heart of the largest Catholic concentration in the city.”

Cragen ran his hand over his bald head. “Anti-abortion terrorist. Great.”

Fin swore. “Better get a memo out to all the abortion clinics in the city. This guy’s escalating.”

“How long between threat Captain?”

Cragen looked at Munch and picked up his desk calendar. Ticking off days he said, “Looks like we’ve gone from seven days to five days and five days again. This may or may not be a pattern or it could be totally random.”

SVU spent the rest of the day and into the early evening running down leads and pulling LUD’s from the latest crime scene. Olivi and Munch were the only two left in the bull pen.

Munch looked at his watch. “Olivia, why don’t you head home?”

“I’m ok Munch. You can go if you want to.”

Munch walked over to her desk and cut her desk lamp off. “Olivia, you have a beautiful woman waiting on you. Now go!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had dinner waiting for Olivia by the time she arrived at the blonde’s apartment.

Kissing Alex, she took a seat at the table and dug in to the meal.

“Lasagna. My favorite meal! What did I do to rate this?”

Alex shrugged and placed a kiss on Olivia’s forehead. Later that night as they settled into bed, Olivia tried to instigate love making, but Alex politely refused.

“Everything ok Alex?”

She pulled the brunette’s arm more tightly around her and sighed. “Yes. I’m just really tired tonight baby.”

Olivia was quiet for a few minutes before an idea struck her. “Alex? Do you think you’re tired because you might be pregnant?”

Alex stiffened in Olivia’s embrace. Taking a moment to steady herself, she replied, “Uh, maybe. I don’t know. Let’s go to sleep Liv, ok?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was awakened from a dead sleep by Olivia.

“Sleepyhead, wake up. It’s after eight and you’re going to be late.”

A groggy Alex turned over in bed and bolted upright as what Olivia said sunk in.

“Did you shut the alarm off?”

Olivia laughed. “Only after it went off for five minutes straight and you never moved. I shook you awake twice, but you went right back to sleep each time. Do you feel ok?”

Alex nodded and swung her feet out of the bed and onto the floor. As she did so a wave a nausea came over her. Slamming her eyes shut, she tried to steady herself.

“Alex? You ok?”

She managed a nod as she made her way into the bathroom. She slammed the door and turned the shower on. She heard Olivia say good bye through the door and managed to answer her. As soon as she was sure Olivia was out of the apartment, she hurled into the toilet.

Rinsing her mouth out with water, she caught her reflection in the mirror.

“Way to go Cabot. You’re spewing chunks caused by morning sickness due to an unplanned pregnancy you created with a co-worker of your girlfriend, who thinks having a baby is a grand thing.”

Shaking her head, she hurried into the shower, trying to forget about the cause of her sickness.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After watching his partner smile all morning long, Elliot finally called her on it just in time for lunch.

“Come on partner, let’s go grab some lunch.”

After they ordered, he started in on her. “OK, why are you smiling like a Cheshire cat?”

“No reason.” At his look she continued, “Well, Alex was too tired last night for…you know and then she overslept this morning.”

“So?”

“Elliot, Alex is never too tired to make love and she never oversleeps. She’s the most anal woman I know when it comes to maintaining a schedule.”

“Again, so?”

“So? So she has to be pregnant!”

Considering what she said, Elliot finally nodded. “Ok, it sounds like a good possibility.”

“Oh I think we have more than a possibility Elliot.”

“Liv, you need to really think about this. I mean, what about the father? What about Alex? She want kids? It’s not exactly like you guys planned any of this.”

“Elliot, how could she not want this baby? I mean, what are the chances that my lesbian girlfriend would sleep with some guy and just happen to get pregnant? I’d think you, Mr. Faith, would believe in divine intervention? Too many variables had to line-up just so to make this work. This baby is meant to be!”

“Again, what about Alex? Have you asked her what she wants?”

Olivia waved him off. “Oh, she’ll grow into the idea.”

Elliot put his fork down. “Liv, it’s not that simple. I mean, I know you love her and all, but ya gotta admit, Cabot doesn’t exactly ooze motherly warmth.”

Olivia scowled at him. “That’s uncalled for Elliot. You don’t know Alex like I do. She’s going to make a wonderful mother.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Ms. Reed? Please follow me.”

Alex gathered her briefcase and files and followed the nurse through the door and into the exam room. She sat patiently as the nurse took her vitals and then handed her a paper gown to change into. She disrobed and slipped the gown on and sat on the edge of the exam table waiting for the doctor.

“Ms. Reed? I’m Dr. Lloyd. I understand you are pregnant and wish to discuss termination?” Alex nodded and he motioned for her to lie back and place her feet in the stirrups. “I’ll be as gentle as possible.” Alex grimaced as he inserted the speculum. Completing the exam, he pulled his surgical gloves off and tossed them aside. “Please dress and then meet me in my office.”

Alex took a seat across from the doctor. “You are indeed pregnant. I detected no previous signs of pregnancy. Is this your first pregnancy?”

Alex blushed. “Yes.”

“Don’t be embarrassed Ms. Reed. You’re not the first woman to find herself in this situation. Are you sure you want to terminate? Have you consulted with the father? Not that you have to, it’s just standard questioning.”

“Yes, I’m sure. It just happened once and it shouldn’t have. Besides, I’m a lesbian.”

He smiled. “Ms. Reed, even lesbians have babies.”

“I know. I just, well, I never considered having a baby and certainly not under these circumstances.”

He nodded. “Are you currently involved with anyone?”

“Yes. She’s excited at the prospect of having a baby, but what she doesn’t know is that I slept with one of her co-workers. While we were broken up.”

“I see.” He pushed a brochure toward Alex and explained, “This explains the procedure and recovery time. You’ll need to bring somebody with you to drive you home. If you don’t have any further questions, I’ll schedule you for this Friday at 9am. Ok?”

Alex nodded and took the brochure, stuffing it into her purse. As she left the building, she took out her cell phone and called John Munch. After telling him about the arrangements, she hung up and made her way to her office.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had spent all afternoon coming up with her cover story for Olivia. She’d just finished running through it when she heard Olivia’s key in the lock.

“Hey sweetie. How are you today?” Alex raised her cheek to accept Olivia’s kiss and returned her hug.

“I’m good. How was work? Any leads on the mad bomber?”

“No. Right now we are just in a wait and see situation. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine Liv.”

Sitting down at the table, she glanced at Alex. “Uh, Alex, isn’t it about time for you to take another test?”

Keeping her back to Olivia, Alex answered, “I’ll get one tomorrow and take it.” Turning, she forced a smile at Olivia and sat down to eat. She listened while Olivia chattered on about everything under the sun. As they were cleaning up, Alex put her plan into motion..

“Liv?”

“Huh?”

“I need to go see my mother this weekend. I’m going up early on Friday morning and I’ll be back late Sunday or maybe Monday morning.”

Olivia finished putting the plates away and looked at Alex with concern. “Everything ok? Do you want me to go with you?”

Alex shook her head. “Just some Cabot family business. It’s all pretty routine. Besides, are you really ready to meet my mother?”

“I have met your mother!”

Alex smiled. “As a co-worker yes, not as my lover.” She leaned in and kissed Olivia.

Olivia pulled her in closer and kissed her cheek. “What are you going to tell her if you are pregnant?”

Alex pulled away and resumed wiping down the kitchen counter. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it Olivia, ok?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex managed to get up before Olivia the next morning, and was relieved when she didn’t get sick. She kissed Olivia good bye and hurried to the office, eager to immerse herself in work.

Olivia arrived at the station a little late, and hurried to pour herself a cup of coffee. She had just sat down at her desk when Munch came through the bull pen and headed straight for Cragen’s office. She, Elliot and Fin all exchanged glances.

“I need to take Friday off Captain.”

Cragen looked up at John Munch and studied the man before him. Leaning back in his chair, he addressed Munch.

“John, we’re right in the middle of this bomber case. I can’t just let you take a day off.”

“I never ask for time off and this is important.” Glancing away, he added, “It’s personal. Very personal.”

Cragen rubbed his bald head. “Ok. Point made. But I want you on call if at all possible.”

“Thanks Captain.” He turned to leave when Cragen’s voice stopped him.

“Everything ok John?”

Without turning around he answered, “Yeah.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Munch left Cragen’s office and stormed through the bull pen. Fin called out to him, but Munch ignored him and continued on to the bathroom. Fin followed him and found the older man standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself.

“What’s up John?”

“Nothing Fin.”

“Come on Munch. Somethin’ been botherin’ your skinny ass ever since Canada. What gives?”

“Leave it alone Fin. It doesn’t concern you.”

Fin reached out to Munch who shook him off. “You my partner John. If somethin’s going on with you, I need to know.”

“Drop it Fin.”

Nodding, Fin backed out of the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

The rest of the day passed by in uncomfortable silence, as Munch withdrew into himself. Fin, Elliot and Olivia all exchanged worried glances. No one was surprised when Munch left early, and didn’t bother to say good bye.

Munch made his way to Alex’s office and knocked on the door. Not waiting to be invited in, he entered the office and stood before a very startled Alex Cabot.

“John?”

“I got Friday off. What time do you want me to pick you up?”

“I…I don’t know. My appointment is for 9:00am. I told Olivia I’m going to see my mother. I made a reservation at the Ritz. You can just drop me there afterwards.”

Munch leaned down into Alex’s space. “I’m not going to just dump you at a hotel. I’m staying with you so make sure you get two beds.”

“It’s not necessary….”

“Shut-up Alex! This is all my fault, so let me take care of it, please!”

Alex saw pain and anger in his eyes. She came around the desk and touched his arm.

“John, I’m as much to blame as you are, so let’s just agree to share the blame. I booked a suite, so if you insist on staying, you’ll have your own room.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry I lost my temper.”

She nodded and watched him leave.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia hurried to Alex’s apartment, anxious to see if the blonde had taken the EPT.

“Alex! You here?” She hurried through the apartment looking for her lover.

Alex mustered a smile and welcomed Olivia with a kiss and hug.

“Hey baby.”

Olivia pulled away from her. “Well? Did you take it?”

Alex gave her a sad smile. “Yes, I took. I’m not pregnant.”

Olivia looked surprise and then hurt. “Oh.”

Alex pulled her into her arms and slammed her eyes shut against the guilt she felt.

“I’m sorry baby. I know you were all excited about it and you bought those baby booties and all.”

Olivia flopped down on the bed and sighed. Alex crawled up beside Olivia and snuggled into her.

“I really think I’d like to have a baby Alex. What do you think?”

Alex leaned over and kissed Olivia while running her hand down Olivia’s side. Slowly she eased her fingers below Olivia’s waist band and began to stroke her. Soon they were naked and making love. Afterwards, Alex held Olivia and prayed silently for Olivia to forgive her.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Ms. Reed? Please follow me.”

Alex gathered her briefcase and files and followed the nurse through the door and into the exam room. She sat patiently as the nurse took her vitals and then handed her a paper gown to change into. She disrobed and slipped the gown on and sat on the edge of the exam table waiting for the doctor.

“Ms. Reed? I’m Dr. Lloyd. I understand you are pregnant and wish to discuss termination?” Alex nodded and he motioned for her to lie back and place her feet in the stirrups. “I’ll be as gentle as possible.” Alex grimaced as he inserted the speculum. Completing the exam, he pulled his surgical gloves off and tossed them aside. “Please dress and then meet me in my office.”

Alex took a seat across from the doctor. “You are indeed pregnant. I detected no previous signs of pregnancy. Is this your first pregnancy?”

Alex blushed. “Yes.”

“Don’t be embarrassed Ms. Reed. You’re not the first woman to find herself in this situation. Are you sure you want to terminate? Have you consulted with the father? Not that you have to, it’s just standard questioning.”

“Yes, I’m sure. It just happened once and it shouldn’t have. Besides, I’m a lesbian.”

He smiled. “Ms. Reed, even lesbians have babies.”

“I know. I just, well, I never considered having a baby and certainly not under these circumstances.”

He nodded. “Are you currently involved with anyone?”

“Yes. She’s excited at the prospect of having a baby, but what she doesn’t know is that I slept with one of her co-workers. While we were broken up.”

“I see.” He pushed a brochure toward Alex and explained, “This explains the procedure and recovery time. You’ll need to bring somebody with you to drive you home. If you don’t have any further questions, I’ll schedule you for this Friday at 9am. Ok?”

Alex nodded and took the brochure, stuffing it into her purse. As she left the building, she took out her cell phone and called John Munch. After telling him about the arrangements, she hung up and made her way to her office.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had spent all afternoon coming up with her cover story for Olivia. She’d just finished running through it when she heard Olivia’s key in the lock.

“Hey sweetie. How are you today?” Alex raised her cheek to accept Olivia’s kiss and returned her hug.

“I’m good. How was work? Any leads on the mad bomber?”

“No. Right now we are just in a wait and see situation. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine Liv.”

Sitting down at the table, she glanced at Alex. “Uh, Alex, isn’t it about time for you to take another test?”

Keeping her back to Olivia, Alex answered, “I’ll get one tomorrow and take it.” Turning, she forced a smile at Olivia and sat down to eat. She listened while Olivia chattered on about everything under the sun. As they were cleaning up, Alex put her plan into motion..

“Liv?”

“Huh?”

“I need to go see my mother this weekend. I’m going up early on Friday morning and I’ll be back late Sunday or maybe Monday morning.”

Olivia finished putting the plates away and looked at Alex with concern. “Everything ok? Do you want me to go with you?”

Alex shook her head. “Just some Cabot family business. It’s all pretty routine. Besides, are you really ready to meet my mother?”

“I have met your mother!”

Alex smiled. “As a co-worker yes, not as my lover.” She leaned in and kissed Olivia.

Olivia pulled her in closer and kissed her cheek. “What are you going to tell her if you are pregnant?”

Alex pulled away and resumed wiping down the kitchen counter. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it Olivia, ok?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex managed to get up before Olivia the next morning, and was relieved when she didn’t get sick. She kissed Olivia good bye and hurried to the office, eager to immerse herself in work.

Olivia arrived at the station a little late, and hurried to pour herself a cup of coffee. She had just sat down at her desk when Munch came through the bull pen and headed straight for Cragen’s office. She, Elliot and Fin all exchanged glances.

“I need to take Friday off Captain.”

Cragen looked up at John Munch and studied the man before him. Leaning back in his chair, he addressed Munch.

“John, we’re right in the middle of this bomber case. I can’t just let you take a day off.”

“I never ask for time off and this is important.” Glancing away, he added, “It’s personal. Very personal.”

Cragen rubbed his bald head. “Ok. Point made. But I want you on call if at all possible.”

“Thanks Captain.” He turned to leave when Cragen’s voice stopped him.

“Everything ok John?”

Without turning around he answered, “Yeah.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Munch left Cragen’s office and stormed through the bull pen. Fin called out to him, but Munch ignored him and continued on to the bathroom. Fin followed him and found the older man standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself.

“What’s up John?”

“Nothing Fin.”

“Come on Munch. Somethin’ been botherin’ your skinny ass ever since Canada. What gives?”

“Leave it alone Fin. It doesn’t concern you.”

Fin reached out to Munch who shook him off. “You my partner John. If somethin’s going on with you, I need to know.”

“Drop it Fin.”

Nodding, Fin backed out of the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

The rest of the day passed by in uncomfortable silence, as Munch withdrew into himself. Fin, Elliot and Olivia all exchanged worried glances. No one was surprised when Munch left early, and didn’t bother to say good bye.

Munch made his way to Alex’s office and knocked on the door. Not waiting to be invited in, he entered the office and stood before a very startled Alex Cabot.

“John?”

“I got Friday off. What time do you want me to pick you up?”

“I…I don’t know. My appointment is for 9:00am. I told Olivia I’m going to see my mother. I made a reservation at the Ritz. You can just drop me there afterwards.”

Munch leaned down into Alex’s space. “I’m not going to just dump you at a hotel. I’m staying with you so make sure you get two beds.”

“It’s not necessary….”

“Shut-up Alex! This is all my fault, so let me take care of it, please!”

Alex saw pain and anger in his eyes. She came around the desk and touched his arm.

“John, I’m as much to blame as you are, so let’s just agree to share the blame. I booked a suite, so if you insist on staying, you’ll have your own room.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry I lost my temper.”

She nodded and watched him leave.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia hurried to Alex’s apartment, anxious to see if the blonde had taken the EPT.

“Alex! You here?” She hurried through the apartment looking for her lover.

Alex mustered a smile and welcomed Olivia with a kiss and hug.

“Hey baby.”

Olivia pulled away from her. “Well? Did you take it?”

Alex gave her a sad smile. “Yes, I took it. I’m not pregnant.”

Olivia looked surprise and then hurt. “Oh.”

Alex pulled her into her arms and slammed her eyes shut against the guilt she felt.

“I’m sorry baby. I know you were all excited about it and you bought those baby booties and all.”

Olivia flopped down on the bed and sighed. Alex crawled up beside Olivia and snuggled into her.

“I really think I’d like to have a baby Alex. What do you think?”

Alex leaned over and kissed Olivia while running her hand down Olivia’s side. Slowly she eased her fingers below Olivia’s waist band and began to stroke her. Soon they were naked and making love. Afterwards, Alex held Olivia and prayed silently for Olivia to forgive her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia woke up the next morning to find two blue eyes staring at her.

Glancing at the clock and seeing the early hour she asked, “Alex? Everything ok?”

“I love you Olivia Benson. No matter what, I love you and I will always love you. Do you believe me?”

Olivia struggled to sit up. “I love you too Alex. Is everything ok? You’ve been kinda tense the last couple of days.”

Alex reached for Olivia and gave her a bruising kiss. Before Olivia could respond, Alex rolled her over and pressed her into the mattress. Alex none to gently divested Olivia of her clothing and began loving her body. She was relentless in her pursuit of Olivia’s pleasure and even after the brunette climaxed, Alex continued to love her.

“Alex!” Olivia scrambled away, breathless. Alex smiled at her and moved to cradle her lover. Olivia tried to roll Alex over, but the blond refused. “Sweetie?”

“That was for you baby. Let’s just cuddle.”

They lay embraced for the next hour, with Alex running her hands through Olivia’s hair and kissing her temple. When the alarm clock finally went off, Alex hurried from the bed and into the shower. She felt her eyes burn as the tears began falling. She managed to choke back her tears and finish her shower.

Olivia was brushing her teeth when Alex got out of the shower. Catching the detective’s face in the mirror, she gave her a weak smile. Olivia finished brushing and turned to Alex.

“Alex, I’m worried about you. You seem unusually emotional. Are you sure everything is ok?”

Alex nodded. “Probably just my hormones because I’m late.” And pregnant.

“Do you want to go out tonight?”

“Oh, no. I mean, I’d love to, but since I’m taking tomorrow off, I really need to catch up on paperwork tonight. Would you mind staying at your place tonight? Please?”

“Oh. Ok, no problem. Do you have time for dinner?”

Alex grimaced and shook her head. “I’ll call you tonight and from my Mom’s house, ok?” Not waiting for Olivia to reply, she kissed her on the cheek and moved out of the bathroom. She heard the shower start as she left the apartment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia was still concerned for Alex as she arrived at the station. Munch saw her come in and watched her move about the bull pen. Grabbing his coat, he moved toward the entrance to the station when Fin caught up to him.

“Goin’ somewhere John?”

“Out.”

Munch continued to move, unaware Fin was on his heels. Munch was out the main door and around the corner with his cell phone out and dialing before he realized Fin was standing next to him.

“What do you want Fin?”

“I wanna know what’s goin’ on with my partner. Who you callin’?”

At that moment, the voice of Alex Cabot could be heard coming through Munch’s cell phone.

“Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?”

Fin looked at Munch with a raised eyebrow. “Answer the lady.”

“Uh, Alex, it’s John. I was just calling you about that case.”

“Case? Oh, you mean…”

“I’m with Fin.”

“I see. Yes, well, if you’ll stop by on your lunch hour we can go over everything then. Ok?”

Looking at Fin, Munch replied, “Yes. I’ll see you then.” He snapped the phone shut and moved past Fin. Fin regarded Munch and watched the older man stalk down the sidewalk. Giving up, he went back inside the building.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Olivia looks worried about you.”

Alex looked miserable. “I know. It’s killing me to lie to her. If she ever finds out…”

“I know.” Finally taking a seat he gave Alex a sad smile. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” Alex nodded. “You’re still ok with this? With having a procedure that will literally suck the life out of you?”

“Don’t start John. This is hard enough as it is.”

“Alex, you’ve never told me what your feelings are about abortion? I mean, if it doesn’t involve you.”

“It’s a fetus John, not a baby. Right now it can’t survive outside the womb. I’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose.”

Munch nodded. “But what about as it pertains to you?”

“I’m having the abortion, aren’t I?” At his look she continued, “OK, I never really expected to be in this position. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been having sex that could lead to pregnancy. That aside, I never thought I’d be having an abortion.” She chanced a glance at Munch. “I never wanted to be in the position of having an abortion.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll pick you up around 8:15, ok?”

“Thanks John.”

She watched him leave and took her glasses off. Putting her head down on her desk, she tried to block everything out of her mind. She wasn’t sure how long she sat with her head on her desk, but when she finally looked up, Olivia was watching her.

“You ok?”

Alex sniffed and swiped at an errant tear. “Yes. How long have you been in here?”

“Just a few minutes. I knocked, but you didn’t answer. Alex, what’s going on with you?”

Wiping at her eyes Alex shook her head. “I don’t know what you mean Liv. I’m just hormonal. Did you want to go to lunch?”

“Alex….” At the blond’s look she shook her head. “Let’s go. I’ll let you buy me lunch to ease my mind.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Alex had a quiet lunch and Olivia carefully watched. The blond was withdrawn and barely made eye contact with Olivia. As they parted after lunch, Alex grabbed Olivia and held on. She kissed the detective, which was rare in public.

Olivia was unsettled as she made her way back to the station. She was still trying to figure out what was going on with Alex as she made her way back in to the bull pen. She didn’t have much time to ponder the situation, because Fin grabbed her almost as soon as she got back to her desk.

“Let’s go. We got a lead on the bomber.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Alex, it’s Olivia. We’ve got a lead on the bomber. I’m going to be on stake-out tonight, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow afternoon, ok? I love you.”

Olivia snapped her phone shut and looked over at Fin. Elliot had a parent-teacher meeting for Dickie and Munch had disappeared, saying his commitment the next day prohibited him from taking stake-out duty.

“Things goin’ good between you two?”

Olivia smiled. “Yeah. I think she may be the one, ya know?” Fin nodded. “But something’s bothering her. I feel like maybe she’s hiding something from me. Like maybe she wants out.”

Fin looked over at her. “You kiddin’ right?”

“What?”

“Liv, come on. Cabot’s crazy for you. She was all moony for you up in Canada. She even had a few to drink. We all did.”

Fin had Olivia’s attention. “Did you notice her talking to anybody? Maybe having a drink with somebody?”

“Yeah. Me and Munch. Why?”

“Nobody else? Just you guys?”

“Well, we weren’t with her every waking minute, so I can’t say. Why?”

Olivia shook her head. “Just wondering.”

“Well don’t. That woman is bon-a-fide crazy for you.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was trying to pack, but was unsure of what she should pack. She wasn’t exactly up on post abortion etiquette. She felt nausea’s and heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She rinsed her mouth out with water and stood starring at her reflection. Impulsively she picked up her cell and dialed John Munch.

“Hello?”

“I need you. Can you come to my apartment?”

30 Minutes Later

She opened the door to a very concerned John Munch.

“Thanks for coming. I’m not sure why I called you, but I can’t call Liv.”

“Stake-out?”

“Well there’s that, but no, this is about tomorrow.”

“Have you changed your mind?” He looked hopeful.

“No. I’m just scared and confused. I don’t want to hurt Olivia. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to bring a child into the world that I might hurt.”

Munch pulled her to him and held her as she cried. He finally led her over to the couch and they sat down, her head in his lap. He stroked her hair and muttered soothing words to her. After a while she fell asleep and they sat that way for a long time until Alex stirred.

“I’m sorry John, I just haven’t been sleeping that well.”

He smiled at her. “It’s ok Alex. I should get going though.”

“Do you have to? I’m really messed up and if you wouldn’t mind staying? If it’s not asking too much?”

“No, it’s not asking too much.”

She led him into the bedroom and assured him she wouldn’t try to take advantage of him. Laughing, she got ready for bed and patted the space beside her in invitation. After a slight hesitation, he slid in beside her. She curled around him and fell asleep. Munch lay awake well into the night and had just gotten to sleep as Dawn broke.

They were quiet as they went about their morning routine and Munch carried Alex’s bag down to his car. He offered to stop for coffee but she declined saying she couldn’t eat or drink before the procedure. Munch sat with her while she finished filling out all the paperwork and waited while she changed into the hospital gown. They sat quietly while they waited for the doctor. Alex refused to look at Munch, who was busy studying the tiles on the floor.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Fin and Olivia had just made it back to the station and were reporting in when Cragen called them into his office. They found Elliot and Wong waiting for them.

“What’s going on?”

“Bomb threat on 7th avenue. Abortion clinic. Get down there and get the place cleared out.”

When they arrived, the bomb squad had just arrived and they were evacuating all the offices surrounding the clinic. They had the office staff and most of the clients of the clinic waiting outside.

“Building clear?”

The SWAT commander looked at Elliot and shook his head.

“Two doctors are in with patients. They could be mid-procedure. Thought we’d wait on you guys.” He looked at Olivia. “Kinda short on females in the SWAT division. Bomber said we had 15 minutes. That was ten minutes ago.”

Olivia nodded and donned her Kevlar vest. She started in and wasn’t surprised when Elliot matched her stride for stride. After finding out which two rooms were in use, they split up. Elliot took the room at the end of the hall and Olivia took the one closest to the entrance.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had her legs in stirrups and Munch was standing at her shoulder holding her hand.

“Ok Alex, the sedation should be kicked in by now. There’s going to be a loud whirring noise and suction sound. You shouldn’t feel any pain after the initial pressure where I insert the speculum. Ready?”

Alex nodded her head and clutched Munch’s hand. Munch turned his back to the doctor and patted Alex’s hand. As the whirring sound started, Munch closed his eyes.

The doctor leaned in with the suction tube.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia pounded on the door and not waiting for an answer, she threw the door open. The doctor turned toward Olivia, yelling for her to get out of the room when Munch turned and saw the face of Olivia Benson. Alex raised up, half out of it because of the sedation and tried to focus on what was happening.

“John…Olivia?”

Olivia Benson stopped mid sentence as she took in the sight before her.

“Alex?”

“Excuse me, but who the Hell are you?”

Olivia looked between the doctor and Alex and Munch.

“Detective Olivia Benson. There’s a bomb threat. Are you…finished?”

“Oh God. Uh, we haven’t started yet. I guess we need to evacuate?”

Olivia nodded and then looked at Munch. “Can you carry her?”

Munch waited while the doctor removed the speculum and then scooped Alex up. His eyes met Olivia’s and he saw confusion and shock in them. The four of them moved out of the procedure room and hurried down the hall. Elliot and the other doctor and patient were already out of the building as they neared the entrance. Olivia caught Munch’s shoulder.

“There’s a bunch of news crews out there. Uh, can you shield her face?”

Munch nodded and readjusted Alex so that her face was turned toward his chest. They got outside and Munch took Alex over to one of the two waiting ambulances. Olivia stood motionless between the ambulance and the building. Fearing there might actually be a bomb, Elliot ran out and grabbed her.

“Liv! Come on!”

They just made it beyond the safety zone when glass shattered and black smoke billowed out of what was left of the windows. Elliot and Olivia ducked as shards of glass fell around them. Once they felt it was safe, Elliot pulled Olivia out of ear shot of everyone.

“Liv, was that Munch?” She nodded. “Was he carrying…Alex?”

“Yeah.”

Looking at her closely, he realized she looked as though she were in shock. He grabbed her arm and pulled her over to their sedan. He pushed her inside and found out which hospital the ambulance carrying Alex was going to.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

They arrived at Columbia Medical just after the ambulance. Elliot watched as the stretcher carrying Alex was wheeled into the ER, John Munch right behind her. Glancing over at Olivia, she still looked dazed.

“Liv? Liv, come on.”

Olivia finally made her way out of the car and followed Elliot inside. Elliot checked in with the nurses station and took a seat beside Olivia.

“I guess she was pregnant.”

“You don’t know that Liv.”

“Elliot, she had her legs up in stirrups and the doctor was about to start sucking her clean. And then Munch was there. Why?”

Elliot had sinking feeling he knew why Munch was there, but he kept his mouth shut.

After a while, Munch came out into the waiting room and found Elliot and Olivia. Olivia, who’d been quiet ever since they arrived, finally snapped to life. Getting up, she met Munch.

“How is she?”

“She’s been asking for you. They gave her something to reverse the sedation.”

“So she didn’t have the….” Munch shook his head. “Ok. That’s good.” She walked into the ER without waiting for Munch or asking why he was there.

“When?”

Munch looked Elliot and away without answering. Elliot asked him again.

“Elliot, anything about any situation involving Alex, will have to come from Alex.”

Elliot shook his head and walked over to the coffee pot.

XXXXXXXXX

“Liv?”

Olivia walked over to Alex and kissed her on the forehead.

“Yeah sweetie?”

“I’m so sorry.” The blonde began to sob and Olivia held her.

“Why did you lie to me?”

“Liv….” Alex shook her head. “It’s complicated Liv.” Alex looked at her with pleading eyes.

“No Alex, it’s a baby. Our baby. Or at least it could be. And you lied to me!”

“Liv, it’s not our baby! I don’t want it to be anybody’s baby. I don’t want this baby!”

Olivia pulled away from her. “How can you say that? How?”

“Liv…we can have a baby. A baby that will really be our baby and not one conceived in Canada after an ill-fated roll in the hay with John Munch!”

Olivia’s head shot up and she began backing away from Alex.

“You…you and Munch? You slept with Munch?”

“I thought you knew? He didn’t tell you?”

“No.” Turning her back to Alex she started pacing. “You and Munch? Oh God.”

“Liv…I didn’t….”

“Shut-up Alex. Just shut-up!” She started out of the area Alex was in, but turned around and looked Alex dead in the eye. “Don’t you dare abort that baby! Do you hear me?” She didn’t wait for Alex to respond.

Elliot saw his partner barreling toward John Munch and before he could warn the older man, Olivia grabbed him by the arm.

“Is it true?” He nodded. “How the fuck could you? You know how I feel about her!”

Shaking Olivia off her threw back at her, “I know you dumped her without reason; hurt her. I care about her!”

Olivia drew back and threw a punch that hit him square in the jaw. Elliot moved between them and tried to diffuse the situation. Munch rubbed his jaw and shook his head at Olivia.

“C’mon Liv. Let’s go and let John get Alex home. You need to cool off and this isn’t helping Alex.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Munch got Alex settled in at the apartment and asked her if she needed anything. She shook her head no and fell asleep. He took up residence in her living room and contemplated what the days events meant.

Meanwhile

Elliot had driven them to Chauncey’s and watched while Olivia downed her third shot in less than thirty minutes.

“Slow down Liv!”

“He fucked her Elliot!”

He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.

“I love her.”

“I know you do Liv and in fairness, you guys were broken up when it happened.”

“I know that. But damn….Munch? Oh fuck.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“You need to eat Alex. I made some soup.” Munch was feeding Alex when he heard the front door open. He exchanged glances with Alex.

Olivia walked in on them and everybody looked around at each other.

“Munch…Alex.”

Munch sat the spoon down and stood up. “I’ll check in with you tomorrow, ok?” Alex nodded. He didn’t look at Olivia as he made his way out of the room and eventually the apartment.

“I’m sorry Liv.”

“Why did you lie to me Alex? You could have told me.”

“That I was going to have an abortion?”

“Well, that, but I mean you could have told me about Munch.”

“Olivia, I’ve done some things in my life I am not proud of, but I have to say this is the most shameful thing I’ve ever done.”

“Alex…it’s not that bad.”

“I lost my self respect, my dignity and sacrificed my professionalism for what? Sex with a man! And not just any man, a co-worker! It is that bad Olivia.”

“Alex…Sweetie, it just happened.”

Alex erupted. “I enjoyed it Olivia! I fucking came! I came!”

Olivia withdrew. “You…you welcomed his hands on you?” Alex’s face flamed as she nodded. “It…it was…good? You took pleasure in it?”

Alex was crying. “Yes Olivia.”

Olivia was speechless. “Is that why you don’t want to have this baby?”

“I want to forget it ever happened. I don’t want a reminder of a horrible mistake.” As soon as the words left Alex’s mouth, she was sorry.

“I was a horrible mistake and constant reminder to my mother Alex.”

“That’s not what I meant Olivia. You weren’t a mistake. You were a gift from God and I am glad your mother had you.”

“What’s the difference between this child and me, Alex?” Alex had no answer for that. Have this baby Alex. Please.”

“Liv, I don’t know anything about babies, I’m not sure I want to know and this will forever tie me to John Munch. Forever Olivia. And depending on where things go with us, it would mean you were tied to John Munch as well. Have you thought about that?”

“That’s…not that important Alex. I can deal with it.”

“Can you deal with the fact that one day this child will turn to his or her father and not you?”

“Munch wants this?”

“Yes Olivia, he wants this child.”

Olivia shook her head. “I need time Alex.”

“Ok.”

“Please promise me you won’t do anything until we’ve talked about it?”

“Liv, before I agree to that, I need for you to consider what you’re saying. You’re saying to me that you want to be a part of my life for at least the next eighteen years. You’re making a commitment to me. Do you realize that?”

Without answering, Olivia left Alex sitting up in bed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After walking for an hour, she found herself standing outside Chauncey’s Bar. Knowing who she’d find inside, she took a deep breath and walked in. As suspected, John Munch was sitting at the end of the bar with a single drink in front of him.

“Mind if I join you?”

Without looking up, he replied, “If you really want to.”

Taking the stool next to him, she motioned for the bartender and ordered a scotch. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Munch asked how Alex was doing. Olivia took her time before answering.

“I think she’s very confused.” Munch nodded. “How are you?”

“Peachy.” Downing his drink he looked over at Olivia. “The bigger question is how are you?”

“Peachy.” They managed to laugh. “So…you and Alex?”

“Yep.”

“Wow. I can’t quite get my mind around that Munch.” She looked at him with hard eyes.

“I didn’t force her.”

“I know.” She ordered another drink. “She uh, she said she…enjoyed it?”

Munch shrugged. “I’m not gonna discuss the particulars with you Olivia.”

Olivia nodded. “I want her to have this baby.”

Surprised, Munch looked at her. “You do? I mean, you realize what you are saying, right?”

“Look, you being a part of the equation isn’t something I’d go out and pick, but you are, so…” She shrugged.

“What about what Alex wants? She seems pretty adamant about not having this baby.”

“I know. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I intend on trying to talk her into having this baby. I want a family John. I want a family with Alex and with my unknown gene pool, I always kinda figured it’d be Alex who gave birth.”

Munch nodded. “I know what you mean.”

They sat silently looking at each other, a mutual agreement being made silently.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia thought about going home, but decided she really wanted to see Alex. Needed to see her. Taking a cab to the blonde’s apartment, she let herself in and eased down the hallway. Alex was half heartedly trying to read a book.

“Hey.”

Startled, Alex gave a small smile to Olivia. “Hey yourself. I didn’t think I’d see you again tonight.”

Olivia took a seat on the edge of the bed. “I’d like to stay here tonight if that’s ok?” Alex nodded and Olivia began stripping down. She left her t-shirt and undies on before crawling in next to Alex.

Facing the younger woman, she began talking. “I saw Munch tonight Alex. We talked a bit.”

“Really? Is he still alive?”

Olivia smiled. “Yeah, he’s still alive. Look, I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. This isn’t going to be easy, but I think it could work. I want it to work.”

“Liv….”

“Shhh. Don’t make a decision right now, just think about it. We can have a good life Alex. We can be a family, a real family. Hell, I might even let Munch come for Christmas dinner.”

“He’s Jewish.”

“Then it’ll be safe to ask him.”

Alex laughed. “Seriously Liv, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”

“You mean us?”

“No, I mean having a baby. You I’ve been in love with for quite sometime. I just always thought that if I ever had a baby, there wouldn’t be a father involved. That the only contact I’d have with him would be a donor profile. If I do this, I’ll be forever tied to John Munch. Forever.”

“I know Alex. I would be tied to him too.”

They lay silently for a few minutes before Alex spoke. “Liv, if I decide not to do this, if I go ahead and have the abortion, how will that make you feel? Could you forgive me?”

“I don’t know Alex. I don’t know.”

They slept that night spooned together, holding on as if their lives depended on it.

Olivia awoke to the sounds of Alex retching the next morning. Rolling over, she climbed out of bed and made her way into the bathroom.

Rubbing her eyes she asked, “Alex, are you ok?”

Rinsing her mouth out, she nodded and made her way back to the bed. After using the bathroom, Olivia followed and cuddled up to Alex.

“Morning sickness?”

Alex nodded against her and pulled the brunette’s arm more tightly around her. The next time she woke up, Olivia was calling her name. Struggling to sit up, she caught the aroma of food before she noticed the tray of soup and crackers Olivia was holding.

“What time is it?”

“It’s after one. I didn’t want to wake you, but you need to eat.”

Alex shoveled the soup in as quickly as she could and at Olivia’s smile, she caught herself. Blushing she wiped her mouth.

“Thanks Liv. I haven’t been eating all that much. I’m sorry I’ve slept the day away.”

Getting rid of the tray, she got back under the covers with Alex.

“Don’t worry about it sweetie. There’s no other place I ‘d rather be.”

They lay in silence for a long time, each trying to figure out what to say. Finally Alex turned into Olivia and kissed her chastely. Olivia caressed Alex’s face and kissed her forehead.

“Sweetie, do you need some time alone? Time without me?”

“NO!”

“I don’t mean I’m leaving you or breaking up…I’m just wanting to give you some space. You need to be able to make this decision without any interference from me.”

“Please don’t leave me Liv. Not even for a little while.”

“Ok. I just…well…when you make your decision, I want it to be yours. That’s what’s fair to you.” It was killing Olivia to say that to Alex, but she thought if she gave the younger woman some space, she might see things her way.

In a small voice, Alex answered, “Thank you.”

They spent the rest of the day quietly watching TV and holding each other on the couch. Olivia fixed dinner and they ate in silence. She smiled as Alex, usually a lite eater, had a second helping.

“Leave me alone, I’m hungry.”

After doing the dishes, Olivia found Alex asleep on the couch. Gently shaking the younger woman, she helped her to bed. Alex went to sleep without brushing her teeth or doing any of her nightly rituals. As soon as Olivia slid beneath the covers Alex rolled into her. She didn’t move the rest of the night.

Sunday was spent much the way Saturday had been spent and by Sunday evening, Olivia was ready to head home.
“Sweetie, I need to head home.”

“Do you have to?”

“Well, no. I mean, I need some clothes for tomorrow, but I could stay, if you want?”

“Please. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t want to be alone.”

Olivia left to get some clothes for the next day and called Munch on her way to her apartment.

“I’m trying to back off and give her some space.”

“And?”

“Well, I don’t know. It’s like she’s not letting me give her some space. I’m staying over there tonight after I grab some clean clothes.”

“How is she physically?”

“Tired and hungry.” They shared a laugh.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

For the next few days Olivia spent as much time away from Alex as possible and Munch had backed off as well. The only conversation any of them had had was an agreement that Alex needed to make a decision, sooner, rather than later.

Alex was still unsure of what to do and had started taking her lunch break in the park. She would sit and eat and think for an hour, usually without coming up with anything substantial. Today she’d chosen a new spot without realizing it was next to the playground.

As she sat watching the kids play, she let her mind wonder. She found herself imagining what a child with John Munch might look like. She tried to imagine how this would all work out if she had the child. And then she thought about how her life might change if she didn’t have the child. After a while she got up and trudged back to her office.

She had asked Olivia to stay at her own apartment that night. She called her mother and had an hour long discussion about her life and her relationship with Olivia. After hanging up, she shut her phone off and turned in.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Benson.”

“It’s me.”

“Hey. Everything ok?”

“Yes. Could you come over for dinner and ask Munch to come too?”

“Yes. I take it you’ve made a decision?”

“Yes, I have.”

Alex hurried around the kitchen warming up the food she’d bought at the Italian restaurant down the street. After she had everything in the oven and warming, she went to change into a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt.

She noticed her jeans had gotten a tad snug and frowned. Pulling her old Harvard sweat shirt over her head, she ran her hands through her hair and made her way back into the living room.

Just as she was taking everything out of the oven, she heard her doorbell. Setting the pans out to cool, she went to open the door. Standing in her doorway was John Munch and Olivia.

“Liv…why didn’t you use your key?”

Stepping inside she replied, “Just trying to respect your boundaries Alex.” She did lean in and give the attorney a kiss on the cheek.

Olivia and Munch were seated and Alex served the dinner, trying to hide the fact it was pre-cooked.

“Wow Alex, this is great!” John Munch was going after another helping of lasagna .

Olivia began to laugh and Alex glared at her. “Munch, it’s from Barone’s down the street. Alex can’t cook!”

“Oh.”

“I can too cook, I just choose not to!” At Olivia’s dubious look, she continued, “I can!”

“That fire in your kitchen?”

“That wasn’t my fault! Besides, I thought we had more important things to discuss tonight than my cooking?”

Two sets of eyes turned to her. Munch put his fork down, eating all but forgotten. Olivia did the same.

“Munch, if I were to have this child, would you want him or her to be raised Jewish?”
Before he could answer, she forged ahead. “And Olivia, would you be able to accept the fact that this child would essentially have three parents if brought into the world? That there may come a time when a decision will have to be made and it will ultimately be mine and John’s?”

She sat looking at them both and watched as each took in the idea’s she put before them.

Munch spoke first. “I’d like for any child I have to at least be aware of his or hers heritage. Is that a problem?”

Alex looked at Olivia. “Liv?”

“Well…I was raised Catholic, but I have to agree with Munch. It’s important for a child to know something about their history. As long as we could come to a compromise on Christmas?” She looked hopefully at Munch.

“Olivia, once I moved out of my parent’s house and realized I could get a shit load of gifts instead of eight trinkets over eight days, I started celebrating Christmas. Bring on the tree.”

Alex nodded. “Liv, the other thing?”

“I’m not sure I understand Alex?”

“What if, God forbid, he got sick? Decisions needed to be made? He, or she, will have two legally recognized parents. You won’t be able to adopt this child.”

“Oh. Wow. I hadn’t considered any of that.”

Munch reached over and took Olivia’s hand.

“Olivia, I would never deny you a place in this child’s life. Never.”

Olivia looked between Alex and Munch before nodding.

“I can live with that.”

Alex looked between the both of them and nodded.

“Ok.”

Olivia and Munch both repeated, “OK?”

“Ok, We’ll have a baby.”

Munch and Olivia looked at Alex and then each other.

“Alex, sweetie, are you sure? You seem kinda, I don’t know…distant?”

“I have no idea how to be a mother and I’m still nor sure about any of this, but I love you Olivia and you want this.” Looking at Munch she continued, “And you’ll make a wonderful father, Munch.”

Both Munch and Olivia rushed to reassure Alex, but she brushed them off.

“I’ll get used to the idea guys. Ok?”

“Alex….”

“Olivia, I’ll be ok. This will be ok. I’m going to have you two, right?”

Munch walked over to Alex and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you Alex. I’m going to be here every step of the way. I promise.”

“Thanks John. I’m counting on it.”

After he left, Alex and Olivia sat on the couch in silence.

“Liv?”

“Yeah sweetie?”

“Promise me you won’t leave? Please?”

Olivia pulled Alex to her. “Oh sweetie, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” She kissed Alex’s forehead. “Alex, are you sure about this?”

“No. But as long as you’re with me, I can do anything.” Alex seemed to be weighing her next words. “Liv…I want us to move in together. Now.”

“Okaaaay. It’s a little late to get my furniture over here, but we can try!”

“I mean it Liv. We need to find a place that’s big enough. Our lives are going to change. I think we need to get a three bedroom place.”

“Three?”

“Our room, the…the baby’s room and an extra room in case Munch or my mother wants to sleep over.”

Alex caught the look that passed over Olivia’s face.

“Liv, that’s the reality of this situation. He wants to be a part of it, you want this child to know their history…” she shrugged.

“Let’s go to bed Alex.”

Alex joined Olivia in bed and settled into the brunette’s arms. She felt a smile tug at her lips as Olivia placed her hand over Alex’s abdomen. She let out a sigh which caught Olivia’s attention.

“Alex?”

“Hmmm?”

“Are you ok? Really?”

Alex nodded and turned into Olivia. She began kissing the older woman and moved her hand into her panties.

Grabbing the blonde’s hand, Olivia stopped Alex’s movement. “Stop sweetie.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” Olivia faltered.

“Olivia, we haven’t been together in ten days. Is something wrong? Is it because…because I slept with John?”

“What? No.” Although now that it was out there, Olivia did give it some thought.

Alex caught her hesitation. And moved out of her embrace. “It is! I’m sorry Olivia!” Alex now had tears in her eyes.

Olivia reached for Alex and pulled her back into bed, wiping at her tears.

“Alex, no! I’ve just been trying to give you space and let you make your own mind up. I didn’t want to add to any confusion you might be feeling.”

“Really? And it has nothing to do with Munch?”

“Really. And no, I don’t think it has anything to do with Munch. Yes, it bothers me on some level that he has intimate knowledge of you, but Alex, you’re mine. Right?”

Alex rolled to face her and pressed her lover into the mattress. Stripping them both of their clothes, Alex made love to Olivia and then welcomed the other woman’s hands inside her. She noticed Olivia was a bit hesitant and raised her eyebrows in question.

Sheepishly, Olivia replied, “I’ve never been with a pregnant woman before. Is there anything we can’t do?”

Touched by her words, Alex felt new tears escape.

“I…I don’t know.” She pulled Olivia down to kiss her.

The detective began moving a single finger in and out of the blonde. “I don’t want to do anything more until we find out, ok?”

Alex nodded and strained to draw Olivia in deeper.

Afterwards, they lay spooned together.

“I guess I need to make a doctor’s appointment, huh?”

“Yes, you do. Any ideas who you might use?”

“My gyno is also an OB , so I suppose I’ll just use her. I’ll call in the morning and set-up something. Can you tell Munch?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Alex drifted off to sleep and Olivia lay awake thinking about the night’s events.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hearing the click of Cabot heels, both Olivia and Munch looked up to see the ADA making her way into the bullpen.

“Hey Liv.” She smiled at Olivia and then turned to Munch. “John. Can I see both of you in the interrogation room?”

Shutting the door behind her, Alex plowed right. “I have an appointment for 10am Friday with the OB/GYN. Can you both make it?”

Olivia glanced at Munch, an unreadable _expression on her face. “I can’t. I have a seminar.”

“My schedule is clear Alex, I’ll be there. Do you want me to drive you?”

“That would be nice John. Meet me at my office around 9:30 .”

Smiling, he left. Olivia turned to leave, but Alex stopped her. She handed the brunette a copy of the day’s paper.

“I circled some places we may want to look at. Can you take a look and let me know what you think? I’ve got a realtor we can use.” She smiled at Olivia and saw a bit of relief in the other woman’s eyes.

Digging into her briefcase, she pulled out some papers and handed them to Olivia.

“What’s this?”

Looking down, she saw printouts of safe sex for pregnant women, and information about sex for lesbians during pregnancy.

“Alex!”

Alex giggled at the faint blush that crept up her lover’s face.

“Where did you get this?”

“Lesbian.com.”

“Tell me you did not surf the net for this here?”

Alex leaned in and kissed her thoroughly.

“Study up before tonight detective!”

Stuffing the paper into her back pocket, she hurried out of the interrogation room. Smiling, Alex followed her out.

Alex returned to her office and Olivia spent the afternoon running back and forth to the bathroom to read the print outs Alex had given her. After her fourth trip, Elliot became concerned.

“Liv, you got the stomach flu or something?”

“Huh?”

Looking around he lowered his voice. “You’ve been going to the bathroom a lot. So you know…” He shrugged.

Thinking about how she’d been cowering in the back stall reading all the ways her and Alex could and couldn’t make love, she blushed.

“Uh, it’s uh, something like that.” Glancing at the clock, she began stuffing files into her satchel. “I’m gonna go on home, ok?”

“Ok. I’ll try not to call unless it’s an emergency.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex finally got home at a little after seven. She pushed open her door to find Olivia setting the table. Heaving a sigh, she threw down her briefcase and tossed her coat onto the coat rack. Her shoes quickly followed.

Olivia watched her normally neat and orderly lover. Concern graced her features as she approached Alex, who’d flopped down on the couch.

“Sweetie?”

“I’m so tired it’s not even funny.” Turning in her seat, she plopped her legs up into Olivia’s lap. “Rub my feet?”

Olivia grinned and did as she was asked. Mid-way through Alex’s second leg, she looked up to find the blonde sound asleep. Easing out from under the younger woman, she removed her glasses and covered her with a blanket.

She let Alex sleep until almost nine and then woke her up and made her eat. After apologizing to Olivia for not being up to, as Alex said, ‘mind blowing sex,’ she went to bed and didn’t move for the rest of the night.

After tucking Alex in, Olivia went back through the list of possible apartments Alex had chosen, and circled the ones she liked the best.

The next couple of nights went much the same way, except Alex did manage to stay awake for almost an hour one night. They had narrowed the apartment search down to two, via email and voice mail, and were to see each one on Saturday.

XXXXXXXXXX

Friday Morning


“I’m really sorry I can’t be there today Alex.”

Alex bent down and kissed Olivia. “It’s ok. There will be other appointments Liv.”

“Well, at least let me drive you to work, ok?”

They pulled up in front of the court house and Olivia kissed her good-bye. She watched Alex all the way up the steps and out of sight before pulling back into traffic.

XXXXXXXXX

Hearing the knock on her door, Alex glanced at the clock. Realizing it was probably Munch, she called for him to come in. He helped her with her coat and they made their way to his sedan.

Alex sat looking out the window the entire ride to the doctor’s office.

The nurse handed her a stack of papers to fill out.

“I’m already a patient of Dr. Ryan’s.” She started to hand the papers back but the receptionist shook her head.

“You’re not an OB patient. Different set of papers.”

Alex groaned, but took the papers anyway. After she finally finished filling out all the necessary forms, she grew impatient. Munch reached over and placed his hand on her knee.

“Calm down Alex.”

She huffed, “Easy for you to say. Don’t doctors know people are busy? That we have lives?”

Before she could launch into a full blown tirade, the nurse called them back.

Eying Munch, the nurse handed Alex a gown and left the room. Alex stood starring at the gown and Munch. Seeing her discomfort, Munch turned his back and waited until she told him he could turn around.

“Alex, I never thought…” The doctor trailed off as she spotted Munch. Sticking her hand out, she introduced herself. “Lisa Ryan, and you are?”

“Detective John Munch.”

When he didn’t go on, she looked at Alex.

“He’s the uh, the…the father. He’s the father.”

Looking puzzled, the doctor nodded. “I see. Well, that certainly caught me by surprise.”

“Nothing’s changed Dr. Ryan. I mean, yes, I’m pregnant, but I’m still a lesbian.”

“I see, artificial insemination.”

“N-No.” Alex felt her face flame. “It happened once. Just once.”

The doctor patted her hand and smiled at her. “It’s ok Alex. Things happen. I assume since you are here, you plan on having this baby?”

“Not at first, but my partner, we were broken up when this happened, Olivia really wants this and John will make a good father.”

Concerned, the doctor began examining Alex. “But what do you want Alex?”

In her mind she was saying, “to not be pregnant,” but she said, “I’m getting used to the idea.” She forced a smile to her face.

The doctor gave her a long look before finishing the exam.

“Dress and meet me in my office.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

“Mr. Munch, are there any health concerns on your side of the family?”

“No. We’re even negative for the Tay-Sachs gene.”

“Alex, you seem to be healthy and everything looks good. I want you to start on pre-natal vitamins and of course limit your caffeine intake, no smoking or drugs, not even prescription unless you get our ok. And Alex, give yourself a break. Sometimes things happen for a reason and end up being the best thing that we ever could have imagined.”

Alex took the prescription and thanked the doctor.

“And Alex? Bring your partner with you next time, ok?”

Alex nodded. Looking uneasy, she waited on Munch to leave and then started to ask the doctor a question. Before she could get it out, the doctor smiled at her and handed her a pamphlet on the do’s and don’t’s of lesbian sex during pregnancy.

XXXXXXXXXX

She had been quiet the entire ride back as well, only saying thank you to Munch as he let her out at her office. Glad to be back in the sanctuary of her office, she dove into a pile of paperwork and managed to forget all about her doctor’s appointment.

Her phone rang and scared her to death. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Are you ok, you sound…weird.”

“Yes, you just scared me. I’ve been concentrating on my paperwork so hard, I lost track of time.”

“So…how was the appointment?”

“Appointment? Oh, that. It was good. I got my pre-natal vitamins, talked to the doctor, the usual. She wants you to come with me next time.”

“Really?” Olivia sounded hopeful.

Alex softened at her tone. “Yes, really. I go back in a month. How was the seminar?”

“Ick. I hate those things. How are you feeling?”

Catching the hopeful tone in her lover’s voice, she purred, “Frisky. How about you?”

“I escaped early and thought that if you could too, we might make up for some lost time. I can stop and pick up dinner. Meet me in an hour?”

“Half hour. Skip the kitchen and come straight to the bedroom.”

All she heard was a dial tone and a smile played at her lips.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia found Alex waiting for her beneath the sheets, nude. Soon they were both naked and eagerly exploring each other. Alex flipped Olivia beneath her and grinned.

“I love you Olivia.”

“I love you too Alex.”

Alex captured Olivia’s lips and began loving her partner. She took her time and languished attention all over Olivia’s body, bringing her to completion.

“I love you Olivia. I really, really do.”

Olivia cupped her lover’s face and kissed her. Easing her back she asked, “Is there anything we can’t do?”

Alex shook her head. “Just don’t blow air into me. It could cause an embolism.” Olivia nodded and made slow work of her partner, smiling when the younger woman shuddered.

They made love a couple of more times that night before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Olivia awoke the next morning to Alex throwing up in the bathroom. Wetting a wash cloth, she handed it to the younger woman and held her hair for her as she lost what was left in her stomach.

“My God this is miserable.” Alex sank to the floor and curled into a fetal position.

Pushing the hair off of her forehead, Olivia placed the wash cloth there. She helped Alex up and back to bed.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t sound ok sweetie.”

“I will be Liv. Besides, we have to go apartment hunting today. Just give me a few minutes and then we can get ready and go.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the third apartment, Alex was tired and cranky. She’d managed to bite Olivia’s head off several times and was down right bitchy to the realtor.

Alex walked into the third apartment expecting to hate it, but instead, she fell in love with the place. There were three large bedrooms, living room with fireplace, kitchen and separate dining area, two full baths and a laundry room. There were vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors and large windows throughout.

They walked through the apartment and surveyed the three bedrooms. They were standing in the second largest bedroom, looking out the window.

“What do you think Liv?”

Olivia smiled. “I like it. This will make a great nursery, don’t you think?”

Alex looked around and had to admit her partner was right. “Yes, it will.”

While Olivia droned on about nursery colors and schemes and natural light, Alex was thinking how this room would have made a great library. Shaking those thoughts off, she tried to tune back into Olivia.

“I’m sorry Liv, what did you say?”

“I said, don’t you think light green is a good color?”

“Oh, yes. It should work well with the lighting and stuff.”

Olivia looked at Alex and kissed her cheek. “Let’s take it.”

Alex nodded and they went to find the realtor.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After signing the lease, Olivia wanted to go to FAO Schwartz. Alex indulged her lover as she went on a spending spree, buying a teddy bear, building blocks and several children’s books. On the way out, she graced Alex with a breath taking smile.

They had lunch and Alex continued to listen to Olivia babbling about the baby.

She blurted out, “We need to go see my mother tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

“I need to tell my mother I’m pregnant. The sooner the better and you’re coming with me.”

“Ok. We can leave early in the morning, do an up and back.”

“Good. Let’s go. I’m tired and I want to be held.”

Good to her word, Alex crawled under the covers as soon as they got home and pulled Olivia in with her. In no time, she drifted off to sleep, Olivia wrapped protectively around her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An hour into the ride, Alex still hadn’t said anything beyond what was necessary and Olivia grew concerned.

“Everything Ok Alex?”

She gave a non-committal response and stretched.

Trying again, Olivia asked, “What are you going to tell your mother?”

Alex sighed. “The truth. While we were broken up I slept with a co-worker in a foreign land and now I’m pregnant and he wants to be involved and you and I are moving in together and that we are all going to be one big happy family.”

Olivia pulled the car to the side of the road.

“Alex…don’t be bitchy. We don’t have to tell your mother everything. We could say Munch donated to us?”

“I’m sorry Liv, but I just can’t forgive myself for being so stupid.”

“Sweetie, you’re going to have to get passed that. It happened and something really good came from out of it. Ok?”

She managed a faint smile at Olivia and nodded.

“I’m just…I’m just afraid she’ll judge me. That I’ve disappointed her.”

“How did she handle it when you told her you were a lesbian?”

“Pretty well actually. All things considered.”

“So why would this be any different?”

Alex shrugged. “I didn’t have a choice in how I was born, but I had a choice in sleeping with Munch.”

“Again, we could tell her it was artificial insemination.”

“No. I’m going to honest with my mother. I always have been. Well, for the most part.”

Chuckling, they pulled back out onto the road.

XXXXXXXX

Camile Cabot greeted both women with hugs.

“Alexandra, what brings you to see me?”

“Mom, you make it sound as if I never come to see you!”

“Not often enough dear. And judging by the look on your face, you have something of importance to share with me?” She glanced in Olivia’s direction.

“Yes. Mom, Olivia and I are moving in together. We’ve found an apartment.”

Camile regarded Olivia. “You love my daughter?” Olivia nodded. “Ok. Now, let’s go into the kitchen and have a late lunch. George has fixed your favorite Alexandra.”

“Mom…there’s more.” Alex couldn’t help the squeak that came from her throat.

Camile Cabot sat back down and motioned for her to continue.

“It’s a three bedroom apartment.”

“I see.” A smile graced the elder Cabot’s face. “For possible future grandchildren?”

Alex nodded and began to sweat. “Not really future grandchildren Mom. More like in- the-next-seven- months grandchildren.”

“Your pregnant?” Alex nodded. “How lovely. A baby. Your father would have been so happy. What do you know about the donor?”

“I didn’t go to a sperm bank mom.”

“Someone you know?”

“Yes. I…I…Mom I slept with a co-worker while in Canada working on a case and Olivia and I were broken up. I was irresponsible and I’m sorry. He wants to be a part of it and so does Olivia and so we’re going to try and make this work and I’m having a baby and I hope you aren’t too disappointed.”

Running out of steam, Alex collapsed back against the couch.

“Oh Alex. This man, he didn’t force you?” Alex shook her head. “And is he a good man?” She looked between both women who nodded. “And you are ok with this Olivia?”

“Yes. I’ve always wanted a baby and a family and I love Alex. And she could be pregnant by worse people.”

“I told you that you never come to see me without something important going on. Ok, so my baby is having a baby. I do expect to meet this man.Now, tell me all about your plans.”

She sat back and listened while Olivia rattled on about all things baby related and watched as Alex added very little details. After an hour, Alex suggested they leave. Her mother hugged her and watched her daughter walk back to the car. She had the suspicion that her daughter wasn’t quite as thrilled as her partner with the idea of having a baby.

3 Weeks Later

“Damn!” Alex Cabot was trying, unsuccessfully, to get her pants buttoned. “Liv, can you help me?”

The dark haired detective tried to hide her grin as she went to her lover’s aid.

“Sweetie, don’t you think it’s time we went shopping for some maternity clothing?”

Frustrated, Alex snapped, “That’s all fine and well Olivia, but it’s not really helping me now, is it?”

Pulling the material tighter, Olivia replied, “No, but this is the third morning we’ve gone through this. We’re going shopping tomorrow, ok?”

Feeling the button pop into place, Alex replied, “Fine.” She turned and kissed Olivia and tried to take a deep breath. “Thank God I’m not in court today.”

Olivia smiled at her partner as she watched her walk out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex found Munch waiting on her, holding up a bag and a Styrofoam cup.

Brushing past him, she unlocked her office and waved him in.

Putting the bag on her desk, he took the lid off of her tea and handed it to her.

“Thank you. What’s in the bag?”

“Bagel, cream cheese, yogurt and fruit. Olivia called to say you left the house without eating breakfast. Again.”

Catching his look, she shook her head. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m taking care of myself; I just haven’t had time the last couple of mornings.”

He eyed her pants. “Trouble getting them to button?” She scowled at him. “You know Alex, it might…”

“Be time to get maternity clothes. I know. I heard it this morning. I’ll go shopping this weekend. Now, thank you for the breakfast, but would you please leave?”

She ignored him until he left.

Looking in the bag, she took out the bagel and cream cheese and fixed it just the way she liked it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Munch caught up to Olivia as she was pouring a cup of coffee.

“Are you gonna make sure she buys some maternity clothes this weekend?”

Olivia sighed. “Yes, Munch. Did you take her breakfast?”

“Yes. Why did you let her leave without eating?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, she’s a grown woman. Besides, I knew you’d take her something.”

“How’s she doing otherwise?”

Olivia considered his question. “I think she’s ok. The move was pretty fast, but we’re almost settled.“

They were interrupted by the distinct clacking of heels and turned to see a very angry looking Alex Cabot coming at them.

“Olivia, John.”

“Alex…” Olivia was waiting for her lover to say whatever it was she was going to say.

Alex went right by them and into Cragen’s office.

An Hour Later

Alex emerged from Cragen’s office looking only slightly better than she had going in.

Olivia noticed she looked pale and moved toward Alex as she faltered. Munch was right behind Olivia and together they helped the blonde into a chair. Elliot got up and came over and Fin went to get her a glass of water. Hearing the commotion, Cragen stuck his head out and asked if they needed an ambulance.

“No! I’m fine. I just got a bit light headed.”

“Alex!” Both Munch and Olivia chastised her.

Elliot watched as Fin gave her the cup of water.

“Thank you Fin.” She motioned for everyone to back away.

“I’m taking you home Alex.”

“I’m fine Olivia!” But as she stood up, she faltered again and Olivia gently put her back into her seat.

Olivia helped her up and motioned for Munch. While he held on to Alex’s elbow, Olivia went to Cragen she was taking the rest of the day off.

“Munch, help me get her home, ok?”

Fin looked at Elliot as he watched the three leave the station.

“What’s up with that?”

Elliot shook his head and walked away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex had insisted they stop by her office so she could get some files. Munch offered to go in and get them, but she opted for Olivia to go instead. Munch tried to engage her in conversation, but she refused to answer him.

The ride back to their new apartment was quiet. Alex was sullen and withdrawn as Olivia drove them through the traffic. Olivia and Munch exchanged glances in the rear view mirror.

Once they got inside the apartment, Munch and Olivia insisted Alex lie down. Deciding that trying to argue with them was pointless, Alex stalked back to the bedroom. Olivia and Munch started to follow, but Alex turned and glared at them.

“I am perfectly capable of getting into bed by myself. Olivia, why don’t you show John the room that will be the nursery?”

She led Munch into the room that was stacked with a few boxes and watched as he took everything in.

“I thought we could paint it light green. Use white furniture? Get a rocking chair. What do you think?”

“I think it’ll look good. I can help with the painting if you’d like.”

Olivia nodded and motioned for Munch to follow her into their bedroom. Alex was sitting up in bed, wearing her pj’s and reading over a case file.

Alex waited a full minute before she acknowledged their presence.

“What?”

“Alex…stop being so…bitchy.”

Two ice blue eyes pinned Olivia and she flinched. Alex went back to reading over her file and Munch and Olivia exchanged a look.

“So, sweetie, where do you want to go shopping for maternity clothes?”

Alex tossed the file aside and let out a deep breath.

“I’m not going. I can just have the waist let out on all my other pants and skirts.”

Olivia groaned. “Alex…”

“What?”

“Why don’t you want to buy any maternity clothes Alex?” Munch was looking at her expectantly.

“Because.”

Olivia sat down next to Alex and took her hand.

“Because why, Alex?”

“Once I start wearing those…clothes, everybody will know I’m pregnant.”

Olivia chuckled. “It is kind of hard to hide Alex.”

“It’s not funny Olivia. Everybody’s going to start asking questions. Prying into our lives. I’m just not ready for that Olivia.”

“She has a point Olivia. We haven’t discussed what we are going to tell people.”

“I suppose ‘butt out’ isn’t an option?”

“No, Liv, it’s not. I’ve never hidden my preferences, but I’ve never broadcast it either. I’m proud of you and our relationship, but I’m just not ready…all those questions and stares.” Alex shook her head.

“We need to figure out what we are going to tell everyone Olivia. I’ll go along with whatever you and Alex decide.”

Both women smiled at Munch.

“We’ll talk about it this weekend and let you know John.”

He nodded. “I’ll show myself out.”

Hearing the door shut, Alex smiled at Olivia and pulled her close.

“Make love to me.”

Olivia felt her pulse quicken and wetness between her legs.

“Are you feeling up to this?”

Alex nodded and began unbuttoning her pajama top. She let it fall open and Olivia appreciated her fuller breast. Dipping her head, she took one of the nipples into her mouth. Alex moaned and pulled Olivia further down on her.

“Oh…God…I love this. Hurry, please.”

Alex lifted her hips and urged Olivia to touch her where she needed her most. She didn’t have to wait long. Olivia slipped inside Alex and began to stroke her. Alex had her head thrown back and sighed as Olivia’s tongue found her bundle of nerves.

Pulling back, Olivia said, “You taste different.”

Alex raised her head. “Huh?”

“You taste different. Sweeter.” She plunged back in and Alex was soon falling over the edge. As she crawled back up her lover’s body, she stopped at Alex’s abdomen and placed several tender kisses there.

“Hey little baby.”

Alex felt tears sting her eyes and pulled Olivia up to her. She buried her head in Olivia’s neck and held her. Olivia rubbed her hands up and down Alex’s back.

“Shhh. It’s ok Alex. It’s ok.”

Alex nodded and wiped at her tears. “I love you Olivia.”

Olivia chuckled. “Sweetie, you can open your eyes when you say that.”

Alex opened her eyes and managed a smile at Olivia. “What did you mean when you said I tasted different?”

Olivia shrugged. “You have a taste that’s distinctly Alex. Now you taste sweeter.” A look of concern flooded Olivia’s face. “You don’t think that means anything do you? Like pregnancy diabetes?”

Alex opened her mouth and nothing came out. “I don’t know. We’ll find out Wednesday when we go to my appointment.” With that she turned and began loving Olivia.

XXXXXXXXXXX

They spent Saturday unpacking the last of the boxes from the move. Olivia wouldn’t allow Alex to lift too much, citing her condition. Alex just rolled her eyes and smiled at Olivia. She left Olivia to unpack the boxes that had been stored in the nursery, while she went to the kitchen to cook.

An hour later Olivia popped into the kitchen and found Alex bent over the oven. She came up behind her lover and wrapped her arms around the younger woman, dipping her hand below her waistband.

“What smells good?”

Alex caught the surprised tone of Olivia’s voice. “There are a few things I can cook, you know.” Olivia giggled. “Keep it up and there will be no pot roast for you!”

Olivia snagged a piece of meat and winked at Alex. She grabbed the plates and set the table while Alex served the up the roast.

As they ate, Olivia looked at Alex and asked, “Why did you cook? You never cook.”

“I don’t think we’ll be going out to eat that often once the baby is born. Might as well start practicing.”

Olivia smiled. “Are we going to breastfeed?”

“We?” She arched an eyebrow at Olivia. “Actually, I haven’t really thought about it. It would be a bit impractical with my schedule.”

“You can pump. And it’s better for the baby.”

“We’ll see. We have a bit of time before we have to decide anything.”

Alex left Olivia to clean up the kitchen and went to get ready for bed. Olivia found her reading through files and went to get ready for bed herself. Alex put the file down when Olivia got into bed and snuggled into Olivia. Olivia placed her palm over Alex’s swollen bump and rubbed.

“Have you thought about names Alex?”

“No…I sort of thought you and Munch could do the honors.”

“Really?” Alex nodded. “Well, do you have any ideas?”

“No.” Alex snuggled further into Olivia and was asleep almost immediately.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex looked at and quickly rejected the fourth maternity suit Olivia handed her.

“Alex! What’s wrong with that one?”

“It’s purple! I do not wear purple!”

“What about the other three? What was wrong with them?”

“Too frumpy, too yellow, too ugly and too…ick. Don’t they think pregnant women have any sense of style?”

“Well…do you want to go to Bergdorf’s?”

“NO!”

“I thought you loved Bergdorf’s? They know you by name Alex! Why not go some where you know and they know you?”

Alex kept her eyes down and mumbled, “That’s the problem. They know me.”

Olivia quelled her frustration. “Alex, you’re pregnant. Everybody is going to know it so you might as well get used to it.” She handed the blonde a black maternity suit and gently pushed her toward the dressing room.

After finally finding seven suits she deemed worthy, Olivia suggested she get some new underwear. At Alex’s outraged look, she sighed and pointed her in the direction of the lingerie.

Alex groaned upon seeing the stark white nylon panties with stretch panel. Olivia’s reaction wasn’t much better. She rather enjoyed seeing Alex in her black satin hipsters, but Alex had out grown those weeks ago and had been wearing her “period” panties, full briefs, the last couple of weeks. They quickly grabbed a few pairs and went to check-out.

Olivia was carrying their purchases when she saw the baby section.

“Hey Alex, let’s take a look at baby clothes, ok?”

“Liv, I’m really tired and that stuff has to be heavy. Let’s just go home. We’ll come shopping next weekend. I promise.”

Olivia was disappointed, but didn’t want Alex to get too tired.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

By Sunday night, they still hadn’t discussed what to tell everyone.

“Alex, we need to figure out what we are going to tell people.”

Alex sighed. “I know.”

“Why don’t we just say we are having a baby and that Munch…I don’t know, donated his services?”

“And when people ask exactly what services those would have been? What do we say then? That his services included bedding me?”

“Alex…Alex, look at me.” The blonde finally met Olivia’s eyes. “Sweetie, please, please forgive yourself. Nobody has to know you slept with Munch. And it’s really none of anybody’s business.”

“I still can’t believe I slept with him! I slept with him!”

Olivia pulled Alex to her and held her.

“Hey now…it’s all going to be ok. Getting upset all the time isn’t going to help the baby.”

Alex shut her eyes and wanted to scream, “What about me!” Instead, she put her head in Olivia’s lap and allowed the brunette to stroke her hair.

Alex made her way to the bullpen and stood outside getting her courage up. Taking a deep breath, she strode into the squad room and walked up to Olivia's desk.

“Liv?”

Olivia looked up and smiled at her partner. “Hey gorgeous!” Alex blushed.

Elliot watched the exchange and took note of Alex’s outfit. Fin walked up to him and after eyeing Alex, he said, “What’s she wearin’? Looks like maternity clothes.”

“Yep.”

“Huh? You tellin’ me Cabot’s got a bun in the oven?” Without waiting for an answer, he made his way to Olivia’s desk. “Hey Alex…how’s things?” He was eyeing her mid-section.

Olivia looked at Alex, and then at Fin. She waited to see how Alex would handle the situation. Seeing the younger woman’s deer caught in the headlights expression, she jumped in.

“Things are great Fin. In fact, we have some news we’d like to share with everybody.” She motioned for Elliot to come over, and called out to Cragen. Munch, who was just coming in, made his way over to the group as well.

“Guy’s, Alex and I, with the help of Munch, are having a baby.”

Fin looked stunned, Cragen looked shocked and Elliot looked pissed.

“Munch? You chose that skinny ass over my fine rear end?” He smiled as he said it and gave Alex a hug.

Cragen finally snapped out of it and managed a “Congratulations.”

Elliot also gave both women a hug, but with held any celebratory words. He gave Munch a dirty look.

The squad went back to work, and Alex, Olivia and Munch went into an interrogation room.

“That wasn’t so…bad.” Alex was almost smiling. “Nobody asked any questions!”

Olivia kissed her and hugged her. “See, I told you.”

“Yes, Alex. Nobody ever has to know. You have my word I’ll not tell a soul.”

“I should go. I have court this morning. John, don’t forget my appointment is at 10:00am on Wednesday.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Having bolstered her courage in the bullpen, Alex walked into Judge Petrovsky’s courtroom with a sense of confidence. While she stood waiting for the judge to enter, several of her colleagues and peers gave her the eye and a few smiled and did a thumbs up.

Petrovsky entered the courtroom and did a double take as she looked at Alex. Raising an eyebrow, she looked pointedly at Alex.

Unnerved by the woman, Alex managed to fumble her way through the arraignment. When it was over, Petrovsky summoned her to the bench.

“Yes your honor?”

“Are you wearing maternity clothes?”

“Uh, y-yes.”

“So you’re pregnant?” Alex nodded. “You and Detective Benson?” Again Alex nodded. “Let me know where you register so I may buy a gift for the littlest…Cabot?”

Alex blushed and sputtered, “C-Cabot. Yes. Thank you.”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Both Munch and Olivia accompanied Alex to her pre-natal appointment.
After an interminable time in the waiting area, at least to Alex, they were called back to the exam room. The nurse seemed a little miffed by the number of people accompanying Alex, but said nothing.

“Alex…Mr. Munch, and you must be the partner?”

“Detective Benson.”

“Dr. Ryan. Ok, well, we’re a bit cramped in here, but we’ll make do.” She did a quick exam of Alex and then asked, “Do you all want to hear the heartbeat?”

Munch and Olivia both said “Yes!” Alex merely smiled and nodded. She watched as the doctor applied gel to her belly and Olivia and Munch crowded around her stomach as well. The doctor used the Doppler device and soon the sound of horse hooves could be heard.

“Alex! That’s our baby. Our baby!” Olivia looked at Alex who smiled at her.

Alex took Olivia’s hand and said, “Yes, it is. It’s real.”

Munch patted both ladies on the hands and smiled as well.

The doctor watched the exchange between all parties and shook her head. “Ok Alex, just keep doing what you are doing, and next month we’ll try an ultrasound. Any questions?”

“Uh yeah.” Olivia looked at Munch before she continued, “Uh, Alex…tastes different. You know, when we…you know. Does that mean anything?”

“Olivia!”

Olivia didn’t dare look at Alex, but kept her eyes on the doctor.

“It’s probably just a hormone change, but we did blood work today, so if anything shows up, the nurse will call you.” She left the room.

Olivia and Munch were just standing there and Alex cleared her throat.

“Do you two mind?”

Munch left and Olivia stayed behind. “You too Olivia.”

“What? But Alex…”

“Don’t you ‘but Alex’ me. I can’t believe you asked her that, and in front of Munch!”

“Well…”

“Don’t you ‘well’ me! Now go!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that Day

“Come in.” Alex looked up as her door opened and saw a large bouquet of flowers coming toward her.

“Delivery for Miss Cabot.”

Alex took the card and read it: “Thank you for our baby. I love you. Liv.”
She dabbed at the unexpected tears and picked up the phone.

“Benson.”

“Don’t think you’re forgiven just because you sent me flowers!”

Olivia heard her sniffle and chuckled. “Are you crying Alex?”

“No. I’m just a little weepy. I guess its hormones.”

“But do you like them?”

“You know I do.” She took a deep breath. “Liv…I love you.”

“I love you too baby. And I love our baby.”

“…I know you do.”

“Liv! The bombers at it again! Let’s go.”

“Alex, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you later, ok?”

“Ok. Be careful.”

She hung-up the phone and ran a hand over her abdomen. Shaking her head, she went back to work.

Elliot brought the car to a screeching halt in front of a non-descript building on the lower east side. They bailed out of the car and just as they were about to approach the lead on the case, an explosion erupted. Both Elliot and Olivia hit the ground as glass shards rained down around them.

Sitting up and brushing herself off, Olivia felt a trickle on her neck.

“Damn!”

Elliot immediately ran over to Olivia, afraid she was seriously injured.

“What is it Liv?”

“Relax Elliot, it’s just a small cut. Damn glass!”

They were met by medics as they got up and Olivia tried to wave them off. The EMT was persistent and ended up applying a butterfly bandage to Olivia’s cut.

She found Elliot in a heated argument with a stocky, crew cut sporting man.

“This is our case! You can’t just waltz in here and take over!”

“The fuck we can’t! This facility was conducting government contracted research, which makes it federal!”

Olivia tried to diffuse the situation. “Hey El, calm down.” Looking at the man, she asked, “What’s going on?”

“Agent Schatz, FBI. I was just explaining to your partner here that we’re taking over this investigation.”

“On what grounds?”

“This facility was conducting research that was federally funded. ATF is here as well. We’ll need all of your case notes and files. Give’m to ATF Agent Jess Witherspoon.”

Olivia looked in the direction he jerked his thumb.

“Where is he?”

“It’s not a he, it’s a her, and she’s right over there.”

Olivia looked again where he was pointing and saw a tall, blonde woman looking directly at her. She also noticed the woman was giving her more than a casual once over.

Olivia met her gaze and won the staring contest when the other woman looked away. She waited while the woman strode toward her and Elliot.

Sticking her hand out she took Elliot’s hand. “Det. Stabler,” turning to Olivia she continued, “And you must be Det. Benson.” She held onto Olivia’s hand a little longer than necessary.

“Agent Witherspoon.” Olivia removed her hand from the other woman’s grasp.

“Det. Stabler, can you stay with Agent Schatz and get him caught up to speed? Det. Benson, you can ride back to the station with me.”

Olivia frowned at Elliot as she caught him smiling at her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“So, Det. Benson…”

“I have a partner and we’re having a baby Agent Witherspoon.”

The green eyed blonde smiled at Olivia. “The good ones are always taken. So, how long have you two been together?”

“Hmmm. About six months as an actual couple, but we’ve been dancing around it for a couple of years.”

“And already a baby? Kind of quick don’t you think?”

Olivia shifted uneasily in her seat. “Not really.”

She glanced down at Olivia’s ring finger and back up.

“You’re not wearing a ring.”

Olivia rubbed her naked finger. “No. We haven’t gotten to that yet.”

“Hmm.”

The rest of the ride was silent.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot was glad to be home. Her feet were swollen and her back hurt. She was also glad it was Friday and that she could have two full days to do nothing but sleep. She stripped out of her maternity clothes, intentionally not looking in the mirror as she did so, and pulled on her lounge pants.

She rummaged through the fridge, looking for something to eat. She decided on an omelet and went about fixing one. She’d gotten a message from Olivia letting her know the other woman would be late, and to not wait to eat. She’d rolled her eyes at Olivia’s admonishment to make sure she ‘fed the sprout.’ Without thinking she pulled the bottle of wine from the fridge and having poured a glass, she was half way to her mouth before she remembered she couldn’t drink. Swearing, she poured the glass down the drain and opted for water.

She stretched out on the couch, intent on watching TV. After her third yawn, she glanced at the clock and was disgusted that it was only seven o’clock . Giving up, she decided to just go ahead and crawl into bed. She scribbled a note asking Olivia to wake her when she got in.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia glanced at her watch for the third time in less than two minutes.

“Det. Benson, if I’m keeping you from something, please, let me know.”

Taking a seat, Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen Alex all day and I like to keep a check on her.”

Agent Witherspoon looked up at Olivia. “And why’s that Det. Benson? Afraid she’s going somewhere?”

“What? No, she’s pregnant.”

“ Lot ’s of women are pregnant detective. Why would she be any different?”

Olivia felt her face flush. “Because lots of women aren’t my girlfriend! Just Alex and I’m concerned about her.”

“Is she having a difficult pregnancy?”

“No. I guess it’s fairly normal, but well, hell. I don’t really have to explain myself to you! Look, I’ve given you all of my files, all of my notes, so if there’s nothing else…” She motioned with her hands.

Jess Witherspoon took in the flushed face of Olivia Benson and for about the thousandth time she wondered what that face would look like flushed for different reasons. Squelching her desire, she smirked at Olivia.

“Go ahead. And give the little woman a kiss for me, will ya?”

Had Olivia not already been half way out the door, she would have spewed a few choice words at the arrogant agent.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She’d calmed down considerably by the time she arrived home. Finding Alex’s note, she made her way down the hall. She took a quick shower and was just slipping into her shorts when Alex’s voice startled her.

“Don’t bother.”

Stopping, she smiled and made her way to the bed.

“Hey. I was just about to wake you.”

Alex stretched, revealing her nude form as she did so. Olivia’s eyes zeroed in on her breasts.

“See something you like Det. Benson?”

Olivia lightly traced Alex’s breast. “Your breasts are bigger. Fuller. Did you know that?”

“Really?” Alex looked down and began inspecting her breasts. Sitting up in bed she held both breasts and studied them. “I guess they are.”

“Mind if I take a look?” Leaning in, she explored Alex’s breasts with her tongue and hands.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sometime later as they lay in a sweaty heap, Olivia told Alex about the latest development in the case.

“Sorry the Feds took it away from you Liv. This Agent Witherspoon, maybe he can get somewhere on it?”

Olivia did not correct Alex on the wrong use of pronoun. She wanted to tell Alex Agent Witherspoon was an arrogant bitch, but decided the case was out of her hair, so why bother.

She had far more important things to deal with than some horny agent. She had a partner and a child on the way. Placing a gentle kiss on Alex’s forehead, she drifted off to sleep.

Alex awoke to the feeling of Olivia rubbing her left hand. Rolling in the direction of her lover, she smiled and kissed her.

“What are you doing?”

Olivia brought Alex’s left hand to her mouth and kissed it.

“I think…I think we should get rings.”

She was graced with a full fledged Cabot smile.

“I thought you’d never ask, Detective Benson.”

Surprised, Olivia sat up, giving Alex a distracting view of her breasts.

“Really? You’ve been thinking about this?” Alex nodded. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Alex shrugged. “I didn’t want you to feel any pressure. I sort of sprung this whole baby thing on you, and well…” She shrugged again.

“Oh baby. I’m thrilled that you are having this baby and that you want a ring. My ring. What kind do you want? How big?”

Alex laughed. “I don’t need a diamond Olivia. I just want a band. A very simple, yet elegant band. And I’d like it if yours matched mine.”

Olivia scooted back down into the bed and leaned in to kiss Alex. “Ok, we can do that. I say we go today, what about you?”

Alex pulled Olivia to her and kissed her hard. “First we have some business to take care of, then I’ll need a nap, and then we can go ring shopping.”

“A nap? We just woke up!”

Alex ran her hand down to Olivia’s center. “And by the time we finish taking care of business, I fully expect to be exhausted. Besides, I’m pregnant and it’s my prerogative.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After a squabble about who would pay for what and how much, they ended up going to Jewelers on Fifth, a collection of over 40 jewelers and finally settled on Van Busch. They found a set of simple, platinum bands with a perfect inset diamond.

While they waited for the rings to be sized, Olivia wandered around looking in the various cases. Finding a mother’s ring, she called Alex over.

“Just think Alex, as soon as the baby gets here, we can get you one of these!”

Alex came up beside her and glanced at the ring. “That’s nice Liv.”

Olivia smiled at her and placed her hand, palm wide, over Alex’s bump. Alex ran her hand over Olivia’s and then pulled it to her mouth for a kiss. They shared a look and were interrupted by the clerk clearing his throat.

“Ladies. Your rings.”

They took the ring boxes and smiled shyly at each other. Unsure of what to do, the clerk cleared his throat again.

“Ladies, might I suggest a carriage ride around Central Park ? Many couples have found that to be an appropriate place for declarations of eternity.”

They smiled at him and took off in the direction of Central Park .

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was just getting to be dusk and the lights of the city were just coming up as they started their journey. They sat silently, holding hands for a while. Olivia moved her arm around Alex and pulled her in close. Kissing her temple, she whispered words of love.

“Alexandra Cabot, I love you more than anything in the world and I’ve never been happier than I am with you. I pledge my love and fidelity to you. From now to eternity.” She opened the box containing Alex’s ring and slid it on her finger.

Through teary eyes, Alex smiled at Olivia and made her own pledge.

“Olivia Benson, I feel like I was lost until I found you. You fulfill me and complete me in a way no one ever has. I pledge my love and fidelity to you.” She slid Olivia’s ring on her finger and pulled her down for a kiss.

“I love you.” They both said in unison.

Olivia found Alex dead to the world as she eased into bed. She’d been hoping for a little “honeymoon” love making, but sighed and curled around her wife, content to just be with her.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex was sick the next morning and stayed in bed until after noon . Olivia brought the paper into the bedroom and read to her until Alex felt well enough to get up.

They took a walk around their neighborhood, and passed by an eclectic baby store Olivia insisted on going in. She immediately fell in love with an antique white nursery set that featured scenes from Stuart Little.

“Alex, what do you think about this for the nursery?”

Alex caught the excitement in Olivia’s voice and made her way over to the set.

“I think it’s lovely Olivia.”

“What do you think? Should we do the nursery in this?”

“Uh…sure. I mean, I haven’t really thought about the nursery much, but this is fine.”

Olivia went to get a sales lady and Alex walked around looking at various baby items. She was holding up a onesie when the lady next to her commented.

“So tiny, aren’t they?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Babies, newborns. They are so tiny, aren’t they? Makes me think about my children as babies.”

Alex looked at the woman and then at the onesie. “Yes, they are tiny.” And helpless and strange and worrisome.

The woman smiled at Alex. “This must be your first. You have that deer caught in the headlights look.” She patted Alex’s arm. “Don’t worry, it’ll come naturally.”

Alex forced a smile and fought the urge to tell the woman she didn’t think it would come easily for her. That not all women were cut out to be mothers and she was sure that was her, but she refrained.

“Do you like that?”

She turned at the sound of Olivia’s voice. “Just looking.”

The woman she’d been talking to smiled at them, patted Alex on the hand and moved on.

Alex laid the item down and turned to Olivia. “Did you find the sales lady?”

Olivia nodded and reached around Alex to get the onesie. “Why don’t we get this?”

After an argument about who would pay for the furniture, Alex slapped down her credit card.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

After getting home and eating a late dinner, Olivia broached the subject of money with Alex.

“Alex, we can’t keep arguing over who is going to pay for what. Rings, baby items, whatever. We split rent, but that doesn’t feel right. I think we should open a joint account.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Olivia, we’re living together, we have rings and we’re having this…baby. I see no reason to squawk about a bank account. I think we should each maintain a separate account, but put the bulk of our money into a joint account.”

Olivia leaned over and kissed her partner and rubbed her belly. She tried to take it further, but Alex resisted.

“Sorry baby, but I’m wiped out. I’m going to bed if that’s ok?”

“Sure. I’m not that tired so I’m going to stay up for a while longer.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia got called out the next night and left a very tired ADA asleep in their bed. She’d had to deal with Agent Witherspoon a couple of times that week and the woman had managed to remain professional, even if just barely. She, like the rest of the squad, had commented on Olivia’s ring.

Friday morning, Witherspoon had Olivia tied up going over the other cases. Again. At 10:30am , Olivia stood up and put on her jacket.

“Detective?”

“Agent Witherspoon, my wife is having an ultrasound in 30 minutes. It’s the first look at our child and I intend on being there. There is nothing new in this file, and frankly, this is a waste of my time.”

“Wife? Made that jump pretty quick, didn’t we? Fine, go and see the little lady. Good luck with the ultrasound.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, checked her anger and made her way out of the station. Traffic was heavy and she was late arriving at the doctor’s appointment. Alex was already in an exam room when she arrived. Hurrying down the hall, she found Alex in stirrups, belly exposed and alone.

“You made it!” Alex sounded releaved.

“Traffic. Where’s Munch?”

“He called and said he’s stuck in Queens with Fin. Something about a case?”

Olivia nodded. “Canvas. Did I miss anything?”

Alex shook her head and in walked the doctor. “Olivia, glad to see you made it. I was afraid this baby’s coming out party was going to be to an audience of one.” She squirted the gel on Alex’s belly. “Aren’t you glad I warmed that, Alex?”

Not waiting for an answer, she began the ultrasound as Alex and Olivia watched. The screen flickered to life and the grainy image appeared. Olivia held Alex’s hand tighter and leaned in toward the screen. They watched as the doctor pointed out feet, hands, head and then asked if they wanted to know the sex.

Can you tell?” Olivia looked between the screen and the doctor.

“Yep.”

“Alex? Do we want to know?”

Seeing Olivia’s excitement she nodded.

“Ladies, you are going to be the proud mother’s of a baby boy.”

“A boy?” Alex heard her voice crack. “Are you sure?” The doctor nodded as she printed off the photo.

“Wow. A son. We’re going to have a son Alex! I hope he has your eyes.” She leaned in and kissed Alex.

“A boy? Oh God, I don’t know anything about being a boy!”

Alex Cabot sat staring at the ultrasound photo. Despite assurances from both Olivia and Munch that having a boy would be exciting, she was still in shock. Glancing at the phone, she decided it was time to call her mother.

“Mom? It’s Alex.”

“How many children do I have dear?”

“Mom! I need you to be serious.”

Hearing the almost panicky tone to her daughter’s voice, Cassandra Cabot sat quietly and waited for her daughter to begin.

“We had the ultrasound today. Everything is fine.”

When Alex didn’t continue, Mrs. Cabot prompted her. “And?”

“I’m having a boy!”

“Oh Alex, that’s wonderful!”

“No it’s not! I don’t know anything about babies, let alone baby boy’s! A girl I might be able to have handled, but a boy? This is a disaster!”

“Alexandra Cabot! What on earth are you talking about?”

Alex grew quiet and the silence stretched out.

“Alexandra? What’s going on?” In a softer voice her mother continued, “Alex, do you want this baby?”

“Olivia wants this baby and I want Olivia. I never really thought about having children and then this all happened. I almost had an abortion.”

“Oh Alex. Have you told Olivia any of this?”

“Not how I feel about having kids. It would devastate her. Besides, it’s too late now. I’ll be fine. I mean, both John and Olivia will be there so it’s not like I’m doing this alone. It’ll be ok mom.”

“Oh Alex, motherhood is huge.”

Alex cut her off. “I know mom. Let’s just forget this entire call, ok? It’s just a shock to know I’m having a son. I never considered a boy.”

“There was a fifty-fifty chance Alex.”

“I know mom. I know.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex checked her schedule and seeing no court dates, she left for the day. She sent Olivia a quick email letting her know she was fine, but going home early. She decided against taking any files home, and opted to just leave.

Instead of hailing a cab, she walked along the streets with no particular destination in mind. She eventually ended up in Central Park, near the playground. Taking a seat on a bench, she began watching the children play, especially the boys.

“Why so glum?”

Looking around, Alex replied, “Excuse me?”

“You look down right sad. Why?”

Alex looked at the woman, who was holding a baby. Before she could talk herself out of it, she blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

The woman laughed. “That’s a little obvious.” At Alex’s distressed look she continued, “Don’t worry, it’s not that noticeable.” She watched Alex relax a bit. “Are you upset about being pregnant? Is the father being a dick? Run out on you? They do that you know.”

Alex shook her head. “It’s…complicated. The father’s fine, my girlfriend is fine, my mother’s fine…everybody’ s fine.”

“Except you?”

“I’m…I’m not sure of what I am. I never considered children until this happened. And today we had the ultrasound. “

“Everything ok?”

“Yes. But I’m having a boy. I don’t know anything about babies and especially not little boys. Being a parent is a life altering experience. You are responsible for someone else’s life. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. Besides, you look like you can afford a nanny.”

Alex looked at the woman, alarmed and sputtered, “A nanny? Do you have a nanny?”

The woman laughed. “No. I am the nanny.”

“Oh. So all that stuff about babies…”

“Comes from years on the job. I will tell you, I prefer boy’s to girls. They are easier. Harder to potty train, but easier over all.” She called out to a little boy who was climbing on the jungle Jim. Looking back at Alex, she patted her on the hand and said, “You’ll do fine. Just get a good nanny.”

Alex watched her walk away and watched how the children clung to her. They acted as if the nanny was their mother. Feeling worse than she had, Alex trudged home.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Munch spent most of the morning showing off the extra ultrasound photo. They’d both endured the usual jabs about the baby not looking like either of them. Olivia had gotten Alex’s email and left the blonde a message making sure she was indeed ok.

The afternoon passed by rather smoothly until Agent Witherspoon made an appearance in the bullpen. Olivia had gone to the restroom and while waiting for her to return, Witherspoon found the ultrasound photo on the desk.

She was looking at it when Olivia came back.

“What are you doing?”

“Detective Benson. I was just looking at the ultrasound.”

Olivia snatched it from the agent’s hand and stuffed it into her back pocket.

“What can I do for you?”

Witherspoon looked around. “Can we go grab a coffee?”

“There’s a machine right around the corner.”

“I meant outside this building.”

“Is this related to the case? Because if it’s not, I’m rather busy.”

“Detective, please?”

Something about the way the woman said it made Olivia pause.

“Ok.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Bean Machine

“So, what was so important that you had to drag me to this over priced coffee house?”

Jess Witherspoon looked everywhere but at Olivia.

“Olivia, I wanted to apologize. I’ve acted like a bitch regarding your partner’s pregnancy.” She looked away. “I guess I’m just envious.”

“Envious?”

“My last girlfriend…partner really, we tried to have a baby for three years. She couldn’t and I had a hysterectomy in my mid-twenties. It took it’s toll on us and was the ultimate downfall to our relationship. We couldn’t adopt because of my job. They just don’t want to place kids who’ve suffered a lot of tragedy already with people who might get killed due to work.” She shrugged.

“I’m sorry. And I accept your apology.”

Looking uncomfortable, the agent asked, “So, everything’s ok with the baby?”

Olivia smiled. “Great! It’s a boy!”

“Congratulations. Any idea on names?”

Olivia shook her head. “Not yet.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex spent the afternoon surfing the web, visiting different parenting sites. She was now more confused than ever, and after two hours, she gave up.

She watched TV for a bit and decided a nap was needed.

Her next conscious awareness was of Olivia snuggling up to her.

“Hey, are you ok?”

Coming more fully awake, Alex rolled in the direction of Olivia.

“Who’s going to take care of this baby when I go back to work?”

“What?”

“Childcare Olivia. And don’t you dare say a nanny! I won’t have this child raised by a nanny. I may not be the most qualified person to have a baby, but I don’t want some other woman taking this child to the park, cleaning his scrapes, being his…his mother. And what about a last name? Petrovsky asked me if this would be the littlest “Cabot.” Don’t you think he should have his rightful name? That he’s a Munch, not a Cabot? And I don’t know anything about boys Olivia! He’s going to need good male influences in his life. Munch is old! What happens when he dies? And what about when he starts school and he has two Moms? It might be ok through elementary school, but what about when he’s older and he’s known as the boy with dykes for parents? What then Olivia? Is he going to be picked on? Laughed at? And you’ve seen Munch! Does he look the slightest bit athletic to you? This child is going to be a skinny, nerdy bookworm who gets picked on! I can’t take that!”

Alex was now out of bed pacing and ranting. Olivia was watching with a mix of concern and amusement.

“Sweetie, calm down and come back to bed. We can’t solve any of the things you just mentioned tonight. Come back to bed and let me make it all better.” She was looking at Alex suggestively and patting the space next to her.

Alex exploded again. “You can’t make it all better Olivia! The only thing that would make this all better is to not be pregnant!”

“Alex! Don’t say that! You don’t mean that. You want this baby, I know you do.”

“No Olivia, I don’t! I never wanted this baby! I only wanted you!”

She grabbed her clothes and began dressing.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t stay here tonight Olivia. I need to cool off and calm down and think.”

Olivia got up and began to dress. “You stay here Alex. I’ll go back to the station and sleep in the crash room. I don’t want you out wandering around in your condition.”

Alex stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door. She began taking off the clothing she’d just put on. She stopped as she felt something wet. Looking down, she saw blood. She opened the bathroom door and cried out for Olivia.

Hearing Alex, Olivia stalked back into the bedroom and before she could say anything, she saw the blood on Alex’s hand.

“Oh God.”

“Alex? Are you in pain? Are you cramping?”

Alex shook her head and stared at the blood on her hand.

“Alex, we need to go to the hospital. Can you walk?”

Alex nodded and started out of the bathroom. Olivia stopped her and used a washcloth to clean the blood off of her hand. Grabbing a towel, she ushered Alex through the apartment.

Half way to the hospital, Alex finally spoke. “Liv, you need to call Munch when we get there.” Olivia nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXX

NYU Medical Center

Alex was wheeled immediately back to an exam room. She reached out and grabbed Olivia’s hand.

“Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere Alex.”

The doctor came in and examined Alex and then strapped a fetal heart monitor on her. He left them alone while they waited for some test results.

They sat in silence for a while and when Alex sniffed, Olivia looked at her and found her partner crying.

“Hey now…what’s wrong Alex?”

“I caused this! I may have killed him!”

Olivia stood and leaned over Alex. Looking her in the eyes she said, “Alex, you haven’t killed him. We don’t know what’s wrong, ok?” She bent down and kissed her on the forehead.

“It’s not that I don’t want him Liv, it’s just that I’m out of my element here. I don’t feel comfortable with any of this.”

“Shhh. Let’s just wait and see what happens, ok?”

Alex nodded. “You should go call Munch.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Munch, Alex and Olivia all sat waiting in the exam room for the last of the test results to come back. Olivia and Munch were taking turns pacing in the small room and Alex had been quiet since before Munch arrived.

When the doctor finally came back, he was a bit surprised to see Munch but said nothing.

“Miss Cabot…you suffered a ruptured membrane. It’s not as serious as it could be, but I do want to keep you overnight for observation. And when you get home, you’ll need to take a few days off from work. And limit your sexual activity for a week. Ok?”

“So he’s ok?” He nodded at Alex.

“What caused this doctor?” Olivia had taken Alex’s hand and was rubbing it.

“Stress, fatigue, injury. Could have been anything. And it could just be her way of carrying a child.” Olivia nodded. “We’ll get her moved up to a room shortly.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Munch waited until she was moved to a room and then he left. Olivia had decided against leaving Alex to go get clothing and opted to wait until in the morning to get their things.

After making sure Alex was comfortable, Olivia tried to settle into the recliner that was in the room. Finally getting comfortable, she turned and found Alex watching her.

“Are you ok?”

Alex nodded. “I’m sorry about this Olivia.”

“You heard the doctor Alex, it could have been caused by just about anything. Don’t worry about it, please.”

Alex rolled over and tried to sleep.

Olivia called in for the both of them the next day and finally got Alex home by early afternoon. Alex finally relented and allowed Olivia to call her mother, who insisted on coming into the city to check on Alex.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Cassandra Cabot had only been in the city for an hour, but that was about fifty-five minutes to many for Alex. Between Olivia and her mother, Alex felt smothered. Things went from bad to worse as Munch decided to stop by.

Cassandra Cabot intercepted Munch as he entered the apartment.

“You are the man who fathered my grandchild?”

Surprised, Munch nodded and followed the elder Cabot into the kitchen. Actually, she practically drug him into the kitchen, but that was a matter of interpretation.

“Mr. Munch, my daughter is a lesbian so how is it that she came to have sexual relations with you?”

“With all due…”

“Hush. Answer my question. She has said you did not force her and I am sorry, but you are hardly handsome.”

“I caught her at a vulnerable moment.”

Mrs. Cabot nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXX

After Munch had left and Alex had gone to sleep, Olivia and Mrs. Cabot sat in the living room talking.

“Olivia, I’m not sure Alex is as…enthusiastic as you are about having this baby.”

Grudgingly Olivia agreed. “I feel like I forced her into this. She doesn’t want him. Not really. If anybody knows what it’s like to be an unwanted child, it’s me.”

Cassandra patted Olivia’s hand. “Alex will rise to the occasion, I’m sure.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

2 Days Later

“Alex? Are you awake?”

Alex rolled over and scooted into a sitting position. “Yeah. Is something wrong?”

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and took Alex’s hand. “Sweetie…I know you aren’t really onboard with having this baby. Uhm, you know, you could still have a…a…late term abortion.”

“What? No Liv. No. Maybe I could have done that before the ultrasound, but not now. Now he’s real. I’ll get used to the idea of having a child. I will.” She looked down at her hands. “I’m sad to say that I just don’t feel a connection with him.”

Olivia hugged her. “That’ll change when you feel him move.” Alex nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

1 Month Later

Olivia crawled into bed and rubbed Alex’s round belly. Smiling at Alex, she leaned over and kissed her.

Alex grabbed Olivia’s hand and placed it on her lower belly.

“What…”

“Shh. Wait a minute…” Alex smiled. “Did you feel that?”

“No…did he move? You felt him move!”

Alex nodded. “Earlier tonight while I was reading and waiting for you to get home. It was brief, but I felt him. He just moved again. Can you feel that?”

Olivia and Alex sat very quietly, with Olivia’s hand on Alex’s belly, waiting.