Title: Letting You Go....Again
Author: alexcabotada

Rating: Some Mature Content
Spoilers: Loss and Ghost
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Dickie Co. not me...but wouldn't
that be nice...
Archiving: Just ask me.
Feedback: Greatly appreciated-whether it's a compliment or
constructive criticism.
Author's Notes: This is only my second fic, (with the exception of a
BS piece I have stashed away-not sure what I'll do with it). I tried
my best with this one. Hope it doesn't suck too badly.

Summary: Yet another post-Ghost fic. Liv's POV



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part One



It didn't feel right, standing there staring at that
screen, seeing your face. They all thought you were dead; and I was
beginning to believe it too. I didn't want to, but somehow it was
easier. Thinking you were gone, and not actually out there somewhere,
in someone else's arms-and not mine. The pain I felt, deep inside of
me was tearing me apart. Keeping you alive would mean that I would
have to let you go still knowing that you could have been mine, if
only it hadn't happened. If only things had been different. I
suffered from so many sleepless nights. Tossing and turning with
visions of your blood on my hands haunting my mind. I kept thinking
that I could have done something different to stop it; but when
really I knew all along that I couldn't. Of course I did know that I
could have told you. I now regret not telling you. I wish I hadn't
been so stupid, keeping my emotions inside me. Inside the place I
didn't dare opening to anyone. It was so hard to keep the emotion
from showing in my features. I couldn't look at your picture anymore.
I couldn't bare seeing your face again, even thought I wanted to so
much. But not like this; I wanted to see you in person, not on some
computer screen in a case file. I had to look away. I turned my head
to look at Eliot. I could see the same emotions that I felt reflected
on his face, only mine went deeper. Much deeper.



A voice suddenly snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Who's that?" I hear. Who's that? Only our former ADA, my friend, my
love...my obsession. Only that's not what I answer.



"Our old ADA." I hope no one hears the sorrow that I know is present
in my voice as I speak of you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I here it, the click of the door behind me. I turn to see
Casey walk in. She's mad about us not telling her about you being
alive. She's saying something about us working together, and
something else, but my thoughts are elsewhere. Then I here it again,
that stupid clicking noise of the door opening...again. That's when
it happens. I see you. Walking in the room, Hammond close behind you.
It can't actually be you though, It's just my mind playing tricks on
me. But then the light shines off your hair. Your beautiful, stunning
blonde hair. The hair I had dreamed of running my fingers through so
many times. It's much longer now. It's you, it really is.



"Alex!" I try not to sound too exited. But my emotions get the best
of me.



"You didn't have to come back." I here Eliot say. But I don't look to
see his reaction. I'm still too mesmerized by seeing you standing in
front of me. Finally within my reach.



"I know, but who else is going to get you out of trouble?" Typical
Cabot. You still think like a prosecutor. I always loved that side of
you. I now can't look at you. I'm afraid that if I stare for too long
into your striking blue eyes that I might just melt into them, into
you. I have to look down to gather my emotions. I can't risk crying
in front of all these people. I swear if we were alone that I would
hug you. I could hug you now even so, but then I know I will cry.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I can't stand
knowing that you're back and I can't even get a second alone with
you. I'm sitting here, watching Novak fight for you. The shock on the
Judge's face when she sees you walk into the court room is priceless.
You glide through the air, almost as if you are floating. It almost
feels normal again, except when I see you take the seat behind me and
Eliot. And I look up to see Casey standing where you belong; where I
know you would give anything to be right now. I know how much you
want this bastard to pay for what he did to you. But if only you knew
that I do too. I really, really do.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I`m sitting here outside of the hotel; the hotel I know
you're waiting for me in. For some reason I suddenly can't breathe.
I've entered a state of panic and I don't know why. I feel as if I'm
watching myself from outside of my body. Like I know what's happening
but I can't stop it. I start to cry, uncontrollably. What is wrong
with you? Why are you doing this to yourself? Ok, Benson, get a hold
of yourself. I stop crying and turn on the car light. I reach up to
pull down the mirror. Good, you can't tell that I was
crying. "Alright, deep breaths, long, deep breaths." I mentally coach
myself. I just hope I don't break down again when I see your face. I
take one more deep breath, grab my overnight bag from the passenger's
seat, and open the car door. "You can do this."

Next thing I know, I'm standing outside the door of your
hotel room. I can here you laughing; Eliot must have said something
amusing. I love your laugh. I miss the way your whole face lights up
when you let out that adorable giggle. Suddenly my panic vanishes
completely from my body, and I can't wait to see you.



"Hey, it's Liv." I open the door and see you sitting at a small table
playing backgammon with Eliot.



"Who's winning?" I ask to make small talk. But secretly can't wait
until Eliot leaves, so I can finally be alone with you.



"He's beat me every time so far." You say, pointing to El. I can't
help but stare for a moment, at your outstretched finger. Still the
perfect French manicured nails I remember. So delicate, so
fragile...so you. Finally Eliot gets up, and I expect this will be
when he decides to leave.



Thankfully I was right.



"Ok, I'll be back in the morning, around seven. G'night girls." And
with that Eliot is out the door and it's just you and me. Finally. I
stand their staring into those irresistible eyes. So many times I
have planed this moment when I would see you again. I ran through the
scene multiple times in my mind; every night for months after we said
goodbye. Never could I imagine that that very scene would be playing
out right now. And never could I believe that everything I had planed
to tell you would completely erase from my mind. Every last word I
wanted-no, needed to tell you was gone. I've obviously stayed silent
for too long, because the next thing I know, a voice is waking me
from my thoughts.



"Liv? Liv? Are you ok?" Your voice is so soft and filled with
concern. I cant help what happens next, for a stray tear is already
sliding down my cheek.



"Oh, Olivia!" You make your way across the small space separating us
and wrap your arms around my shaking form. At first I just stand
there, momentarily frozen in shock. But then you start running your
hands through my hair and I'm lost again. I lift my arms up and wrap
them around your slim waist, pulling you as close to my body as I
can. My shaking subsides and you pull away, not breaking full body
contact, but just enough so you can look me in the eye. Your eyes are
so full of emotion. Concern, fear, desire...love. It's almost too
much to handle and another tear falls from my eye. You reach up your
hand and lightly brush it away, but your hand stays on my face. I can
feel you begin to stroke the damp flesh on my cheek.



"I...I...I missed you, so much. This is... it's..." I stammer. I
still can't find the right words to describe how I'm feeling right
now. But it turns out I don't need to say anything. You already know,
because my stammering is hushed by a thin finger placed upon my
shivering lips.



"Shh, I know, I know." Your words are so soothing; I almost want to
cry again. Your hands moves from its place on my cheek and slowly
glides down and around to the back of my neck. You begin playing with
the small hairs at the base of my skull, sending electrical waves
down my spine that makes my whole body shiver. You are staring deep
into my eyes, and I`m staring right back. I watch as you lean in
closer to me, your lips now hovering only a few centimeters from
mine. I know what you're waiting for and I'm happy to oblige. I move
my face closer to yours, stepping closer with my whole body and wrap
my arms around your neck, slowly pulling our lips together. What
started off as a simple kiss has now turned into a smoldering one.
Our tongues are fighting the entrance to each others mouths, eager to
explore. I feel you pushing me backwards, careful to keep our bodies
in full contact. I fall back onto the couch as my legs hit the edge.
You are falling on top of me and now working at un-tucking my shirt
from my jeans. Your hands slip around my back and your fingers grab
hold of the hem of my shirt. You are now lifting the light fabric up
and over my head. I let you gently push my shoulders back, so I am
once again lying underneath you on the couch. Your radiant blonde
locks are falling around your face while you hover above me. I can
tell that you are searching my eyes for anything that will give you
permission to continue. I can no longer stand the lack of body
contact so I harshly pull your tiny form down onto mine, until our
lips come crashing together again. Your teasing hands are running up
and down my sides, from my hips to the sides of my breasts. All of a
sudden I can't breathe; this is going to fast, we need to talk. I've
wanted this for so long but now I have to stop it. I disconnect my
lips yours and watch as shock registers on your face. Your features
show nothing but pure fear. I realize that I'll have to let you know
soon that you've done nothing wrong.

"Oh, Baby. Don't worry; I want this as much as you do. I just thought
maybe we should talk before we do anything." You release a sigh of
relief and I feel your whole body relax again.



"Oh, thank God. For a second there I thought I was wrong about
this...about us. You scared me."



"Of course not! I just don't want to rush into things." As I say
this, I reach up and push back a stray lock of hair that has fallen
down from behind your ear. Our eyes are locked and we exchange looks
of love and desire. You lean back down onto me and lower your lips
back onto mine. It's a small and tender kiss, but I know it means so
much more. You pull back and return to searching my eyes. It's now or
never. I think to myself as I contemplate speaking the words that
have haunted me since you left.



"I love you. I always have." These words feel so right, and they have
never been so true.



" Oh, Liv. I have waited so long to here you say that. I love you
too." There was little need for more words after that.



I close my eyes as I feel your lips upon mine once again. I need to
see you. All of you. Every inch of your precious skin; and I've
waited long enough. I want to show you just how much I truly love
you. My hands slide down lower on your back until they reach the hem
of your shirt. The top easily glides up your slim back and over your
head. I toss it aside and it lands on the chair halfway across the
room. My shirt on the floor close by. My hands are on your back
again, this time unclasping your bra; which soon joins our shirts.



You are beautiful. Not even beautiful, I don't think there is a
strong enough word to describe how amazingly gorgeous you are. Your
hands are teasing me, slowly sliding from my hips up to the sides of
my breasts again. You're now cupping one of them and rolling my
nipple between your thumb and finger.



"Bed." Is the only word I can get to slip from my mouth. Even then it
comes out nothing more than a harsh whisper as you bend down and take
my nipple into your mouth. Sucking, nibbling....torturing.



"Bed." This time it comes out louder and more commanding, as I grow
more frustrated.



"Alex!" I half scream half moan. Partly in lack of patients, but
partly from the pleasure you are inflicting on my body.



You finally raise your head up from my chest as you climb off of me
and pull me into the bedroom.



*******************************************************



I lay awake enjoying the feel of your naked body sprawled
across mine. Your head is resting on my chest and I stoke your hair
while I watch you sleep. I wonder how you sleep at night. When you
do, do you toss and turn with memories of that horrible day like I
do? Do you sleep at all? Or do you lie awake and sort through all of
your regrets like I do? You look so peaceful, lying there, lost in
slumber. Every now and then your face twitches, or you'll smile and
shift positions. I wonder what you're dreaming of. Are you thinking
of me? I always used to think of you as I slept...if I slept. I bend
my head down so that my lips meat your forehead and continue stroking
your hair. It only takes a few minutes for you to wake.



"Hey there sleepy."



"Morning." You reply soflty.



"Did you sleep good?"



"Best sleep I've got in a while." Your response is now a bit more
audible, for you are shaking away the last bit of sleepiness that
still claims your body.



"Eliot's going to be here in a few hours, how bout I order us some
breakfast and you hop in the shower?"



"Sounds great." You reply. Now fully awake.





The rest of the morning goes wonderfully. Being with you is better
than life itself.



***************************************************



It's not until the trial when my worries start to invade my
more pleasant thoughts of spending time with you. I start thinking.
Now that you know how I feel, and I know that you feel the same, I
don't think it will be possible to say goodbye again. Loosing you
without telling you was horrible. I don't even want to begin to
phantom how loosing you after I've told you is going to feel. I cant,
not now, not after everything that's happened. This is going to be
hard.



****************************************************

We said goodbye. But that was hours ago. After we had made
love, we both started thinking about how this was going to end up.
But it was so late, and I was so tired, all I got to say was how much
I was going to miss you, as you whispered into my ear, "I know, I
know." I would have broken down right then if it wasn't for your
comforting me. And if I hadn't been so exhausted. By morning we both
decided to forget about it, to just ignore the fact that we may never
again see each other. But now that I see the door opening, and that
the person I expected to be you is actually Hammond, everything hits
me head on. It doesn't take its time and slowly sink in, giving me
time to reflect upon it. It hits like a head on car collision. I
don't listen to a word after "...they've been re-located..." All I
needed to know was that you were safe. Safe, but gone. I really am
never going to see you again. Not even one more night. This is too
much, way too much for me to handle.



I hardly hear the crashing of the bottle as it hits the
floor, and the last thing I do remember is Eliot's voice calling
after me as I ran. I'm not sure where exactly it is I think I'm
running to, I just know that it has to be somewhere far away from
this place. Far away from everyone, from everything. I wanted nothing
more then to see you again, but now that I know it means letting you
go again, I wish I could take it all back.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary’s HH