TITLE: Lies

RATING: MA

PAIRING: A/O

DISCLAIMER: Nope, not mine.

TIME SPAN: A/U (I think)

SUMMARY: Faith misplaced, is faith lost.

 

Olivia Benson made her way down the hall toward Alex's office. Feeling the bulge in her front pocket she smiled as she thought about her plans for dinner with Alex. They'd agreed to leave for dinner around 6pm, and Olivia hoped that the evening would end with a cause for celebration.

 

Arriving in front of the ADA's door, she pushed it open without knocking and stopped short at the sight before her. Her girlfriend, Alex, was in a state of undress with another woman's hand down her pants, and her head thrown back. Shocked, Olivia stood watching the scene before her for a few minutes before either Alex or the other woman had any idea she was there.

 

The other woman, a tall brunette, turned her head and acknowledged Olivia with a bland look. Alex, realizing something was going on, opened her eyes and met Olivia's gaze. "Olivia……"

 

Olivia shook her head and left the office in a dead run.

 

XXXXXXXX

 

After straightening herself up, Alex pushed away from the other woman and began re-tucking her shirt. Looking the brunette in the eye, she nodded and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll see you later?"

 

Alex answered, "Yes. Your place?" The other woman nodded.

 

Alex tried to compose herself as she drove to their apartment, tried to figure out exactly what she was going to say to her girlfriend when she got home. She laughed bitterly at the use of the word "home." The first "home" she'd ever had was with Olivia. The Cabot residence had always been a house, never a home.

 

Sliding her key into the lock, she found Olivia sitting in the dark with a glass of whiskey. Cautiously she approached the silhouette of her lover. It was a while before Olivia acknowledged her, and when she did, Alex almost wished she hadn't.

 

"Drop dead and go to Hell Alex. And while you're at it, get your stuff and get out. Tonight."

 

"Liv…."

 

"Don't call me that. My name is Olivia to you."

 

Alex turned to leave and felt something hit her in the shoulder. Turning to see what had hit her, she caught the tears streaming down Olivia's face. She hesitated briefly before picking up the ring box. Opening it she found a Claddagh ring.

 

"Take that with you. I have no need for it now."

 

"I love you."

 

"Fucking funny way of showing it. You knew I'd catch you. You knew what time I was coming to meet you. You planned this. You need to leave Alex before I do something I will seriously regret."

 

Alex went into the bedroom and packed her bag. As she came back out she stopped next to Olivia's chair. "I'll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow, ok?"

 

"Whatever." She drained the rest of her whiskey and reached for the bottle to refill it.

 

"Don't get drunk Olivia. Please."

 

Defiantly, Olivia emptied her glass again and smirked at Alex. "Seems to me you don't give a damn about me Alexandra or you wouldn't have been fucking another woman right in front of me."

 

Alex reached for her and Olivia slapped her hand away. "Liv….."

 

At the use of her nickname, Olivia left the chair and hauled Alex up against the wall. She leaned in and kissed Alex. Pulling back she frowned. "You don't taste the same. You taste like her." Jamming her hand down into Alex's pants, she touched her sex. Pulling her hand back out she took a whiff and then held her two fingers under Alex's nose. "Smell that? That's not you or me. It's her. You disgust me. Get out!"

 

Alex picked up her bag and left the apartment.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

She knocked on the door until it opened. Hillary took one look at her and pulled her into the hotel suite.

 

"That bad, huh?" Alex clung to her and nodded. Hillary guided her over to the bed and undressed her before pushing her down onto it. Alex curled around the other woman. Hillary rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. "She didn't hurt you did she?" Alex shook her head. "That's good."

 

"She wouldn't do that Hillary. Never. I love her."

 

"And I love you Alex."

 

"I love you too Hillary. I love you too."

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

Olivia didn't bother going to bed that night. She did manage to finish off a whole bottle of Jack Daniels, as well as some beer she had. Not wanting to deal with work, she called Cragen and asked for some time off. After assuring him she was ok, she hung-up and began cleaning out everything related to Alex. She dumped Alex's personal belongings into an empty liquor box. She started to dump all of her dress clothes into trash bags, but hesitated and couldn't bring herself to do that. Instead, she neatly laid the suits across the bed and bagged all of her shoes as well.

 

Her next step was to begin removing all of the photos of her and Alex and just Alex. She threw them all away with the exception of the one they had taken at Niagara Falls. She traced the outline of Alex's face and felt the tears threatening her eyes. She shoved the framed photo into the closet and went into the bathroom to begin gathering Alex's lotions and oils into a bag.

 

As she was gathering the last of Alex's books, she heard a key in the door and stood motionless as it opened, revealing Alex. She noted the blonde looked like Hell and was torn between rejoicing and crying at the bags under her eyes. Until she saw the same brunette from the night before follow her in. Looking like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, Alex stopped and took in the utter devastation on Olivia's face at seeing the other woman.

 

Pointing at the brunette, she said in a deadly clam voice, "You need to get out of my house right now." Alex motioned that it was ok for her to go, and before leaving, Hillary placed a kiss onto her lips.

 

Alex broke the contact and whispered, "Hil, that's enough. Go."

 

"Don't be long, we have to sign the lease at 2pm sharp. Let me know if you need any help." The brunette cast a look in Olivia's direction.

 

"I gathered all of your stuff Alex. Please just get it and go."

 

"Liv, Olivia, please."

 

"Please what? Please be happy you've found someone? Please understand how you could possibly be looking at house guides and baby furniture one day and fucking someone else the next? What exactly are you saying please for? Please forgive you? Not gonna happen Alex. I wonder now if I ever really knew you? Have you always been a whore? How many others have there been? I planned my entire life around you! The house, a dog, 2.3 kids!" Olivia's voice broke. "We tried to have a baby for a year Alex! We talked about adopting. And you're already moving in with her? You're signing a lease with her? How long has this been going on?"

 

And I can't give any of that to you Olivia.

 

Alex felt sick to her stomach. Running to the bathroom, she heaved up bile until she dry heaved. When she looked up, Olivia was standing there with a wash cloth. She handed it to Alex and left the bathroom. When Alex emerged, all of her stuff was sitting by the door.

 

"Please leave your key when you go."

 

"Olivia?" She waited until Olivia looked at her. Alex stumbled over her words, "She's…..she's the only one. It's, it's only been going on a couple of months. If you have any questions, you can reach me at work."

 

"I wouldn't wait on that call Alex."

 

Alex placed her key on the table. Olivia watched her gather her things and walk out the door. Out of her life.

 

 

Alex opened the door to the car and threw all of her stuff into the back seat. Slamming the passenger door, she turned to look at Hillary. "I don't think I can do this." Hillary looked out the window and back at Alex.

 

"What's done is done Alex. Let's go."

 

Alex watched out the window as the sedan made it's way through traffic. She was unaware the car had come to a stop until she felt Hillary's hand tugging on her arm. Looking up, she saw their new apartment building and slowly opened the door of the car. Looking up at the building she slammed the car door shut and followed Hillary inside. They took the elevator up to the fourth floor and she watched as Hillary knocked on the door marked number 15.

 

A short, stocky woman in a business suit opened the door and showed them in. Fifteen minutes later, and they'd signed the lease. At lunch, Alex stared out the window and avoided eye contact with Hillary. Spearing a piece of asparagus, Hillary looked at Alex.

 

"The furniture will be delivered tomorrow, and we can move in the next day." Alex nodded as she took a drink of her tea. Hillary covered Alex's hand before continuing. "We have an appointment with the adoption agency on Friday." Alex closed her eyes and Hillary leaned in closer to her. "Hey, I know how hard this is for you. I'm sorry. I wish….."

 

Alex shook her head to halt whatever was about to come out of her mouth. "Don't, because you can't. I need to check in with Liz, and make sure everything is set. Let's go."

 

Hillary started to follow her in, but Alex told her to stay. She walked into Liz Donnelly's office and collapsed into a chair. "You look like Hell Alex." Leaning back in her chair, Liz studied the younger woman's face. "How's Olivia?" Alex shot her an icy glare. Liz nodded as she slid a folder over to Alex. "You've been put on a leave of absence, all of your cases reassigned, and I sure as Hell hope you know what you are doing. Where's the lovely Miss Winnick?"

 

Alex ignored her as she left the office and headed to her own office. Sitting at her desk, she took out her day planner and flipped through the pages. She took out the photo of her and Olivia at Niagara Falls. She carefully inserted it between the leather binding. Shutting the planner, she shoved it into her attaché case. Taking one last look around, she closed and locked the door to her office. She made her way down the steps and back to Hillary's car. Slumping into the front seat, she closed her eyes on the ride back to the hotel Hillary was staying at.

 

Hillary carried one of Alex's bags upstairs and opened the door for her. Alex stripped as she made her way to the bathroom and ran a hot bath. She shut the bathroom door and slipped into the hot water. Half an hour later, Hillary knocked on the door and then entered. Alex made no move to cover herself, and Hillary sat on the edge of the tub. She refreshed Alex's bath water and took the bath sponge from her. Alex allowed her to soap her back and let her tears fall.

 

"Hey now. None of that." She pulled Alex up and wrapped her in a fluffy white towel. Alex sagged against her and she led her to the bed and helped her get into her night gown. She then put her under the covers and undressing, she put on her pajama's and slid in next to her. She spooned Alex and whispered comforting words into her ear.

 

Alex lay awake long after Hillary went to sleep. She couldn't sleep. The bed felt different than the bed she shared with Olivia. Hillary smelled different than Olivia and the enormity of what she'd done was beginning to settle in.

 

 

Olivia awoke on the couch and glancing around the gray room, she surmised it was right at dawn. Staggering into the bathroom, she took a look outside and saw that it wasn't day break but much later. It was just rainy and gloomy. Laughing at the irony of the situation, she hopped in the shower. Thoughts of Alex flitted across her mind, but she quickly shut them off as the spray of hot water washed over her body.

 

Toweling off, she walked into the bedroom and stood looking at the bed she'd shared with Alex. In a fit of rage, she tore the bedding off and upended the mattress. Stalking into the kitchen, she retrieved a butcher knife and began stabbing the mattress. She pulled on the ripped material until the stuffing was coming out and the springs were poking through.

 

She did the same thing with the box spring and seeing just the bed frame, she went in search of a hammer. Finding one, she started beating the head board and the foot board of the sleigh bed, splintering the wood. She hurled the hammer at the wall, causing a gaping hole. Sputtering to a halt, she looked at the devastation she'd managed to cause. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she moved back into the living room.

 

Finding the telephone book, she looked up the number for the Salvation Army and called for a furniture pick-up. Satisfied, she sunk onto the floor and called Elliot.

 

"It's me. Can you come over to my apartment? Right now?"

 

He arrived less than an hour later, bearing bags of soup and vitamins and clear fluids.

 

"What's this for?"

 

"Captain said you'd taken the rest of the week off and with Alex's leave of absence, I just figured you guys tried again and it didn't work out." Looking sad, he added, "Miscarriage?"

 

Olivia shook her head and went over to the couch and sat down. Elliot followed suit and craned his neck in the direction of the bedroom. He motioned in that direction and asked, "She in there? Doing ok?" Olivia huffed.

 

"No. I'm not sure where she is, but I am sure who she's with and it's not me." Elliot's brow furrowed and he shook his head.

 

"What?"

 

"No, we haven't tried again recently." Olivia paused as something fell into place in her mind. "Actually it's been three months since we last tried." It's only been going on a couple of months. "Huh."

 

"Ok. Then why'd she take a leave and who's she with?"

 

"I have no clue why she took a leave of absence Elliot. I do know that I walked in on her and some tall brunette in a compromising position in her office two nights ago." Elliot still looked confused and Olivia tried to clarify it for him. "The brunette, who I believe she calls 'Hil,' had her hand down Alex's pants and it wasn't rape."

 

Elliot's face flushed and the veins in his temples bulged. "She was cheating on you? Alex Cabot?" Olivia nodded. Elliot placed his hand on her knee and gave a squeeze. "I'm sorry Olivia. I really thought you two were the real thing. What can I do?"

 

Standing up, she motioned for him to follow her into the bedroom. He did and stopped short at the sight before him. "Liv?"

 

"I want it out of here. The Salvation Army is coming for the rest of the furniture tomorrow, but can you help me carry this down to the garbage area?" He nodded and hoisted what was left of the mattress onto his shoulder.

 

After they finished, he took her out to a bar and bought her a drink.

 

"What happened Liv?"

 

Draining her mug, she said, "I don't know. We'd been talking about buying a house out on Long Island and trying to adopt, and you know how hard that can be for gay couples. Especially ones with abnormal careers. Then poof! All of this happened. I just don't know."

 

Elliot thought about what she'd just said and tried to wrap his brain around everything she'd said. "Do you think this whole baby thing finally made her snap?" Olivia shot him a dirty look.

 

"She's not crazy Elliot."

 

"She is if she gave you up."

 

She smiled at him and touched his hand. "Thanks."

 

He ordered them another round and continued his questioning. "Seriously, infertility is one of the leading causes of divorce among couples. Have you talked to her? Tried to find out what went wrong? If this can be saved?"

 

Olivia's laugh was acidic. "Uh, I told her to get out and to leave her key. When she came to get her stuff yesterday, she brought the bitch with her! To our, MY house! Says it's been going on for a couple of months and get this, they're signing, or probably have signed by now, a lease! And that bitch kissed her in our home! So I don't think this can be saved."

 

Elliot shook his head. "That's…..cold. Are you sure something else isn't going on?"

 

Olivia snorted. "Such as? She just happened to fall on that bimbo's hand? Fell into her lips in our apartment? Was abducted by aliens? Has amnesia? Can you think of any other ridiculous ideas that could explain this, because I can't. And I wish I could, because the truth is more hurtful. The truth means she really is a whore."

 

A single tear made it's way down her cheek and she angrily swiped at it. She stopped at two beers and Elliot was glad she wasn't turning to the bottle as she'd done after Alex's first miscarriage. He paid the bill and asked her if she wanted a ride home. When she declined, he bid her farewell and slipped around the corner to make sure she got home safely.

 

Realizing she'd have nothing to sleep on in less than a day, she flipped through the yellow pages for furniture stores. Marking a few she wanted to check out, she stretched out on the couch and flipped the TV on. Her thoughts invariably wondered to Alex and why she'd taken a leave of absence. Exhausted, she fell into a fitful sleep.

 

 

XXXXXXXXXXX

 

Alex awoke that morning feeling less than rested. She found a note from Hillary letting her know she'd gone for a run and would bring breakfast back. Alex groaned as she realized it was rainy and gloomy and hoped Hillary had dressed appropriately.

 

Dragging herself from bed, she shuffled into the bathroom and took a shower. She tried to stop the tears from falling, but couldn't. She didn't notice that Hillary had slipped into the shower until she felt her arms go around her. Startled, she jumped as Hillary's arms wrapped around her.

 

"What are you doing?" Her voice was rough and scratchy.

 

Hillary whispered into her ear, "I got worried. I've been back for forty-five minutes, and you've been in here ever since. Let's get out, ok?" Alex nodded.

 

Sitting across from Hillary, she was picking at her cinnamon muffin. It crossed her mind that Olivia would have known she no longer ate cinnamon muffins, not since they'd been trying to have a child and she'd sworn off sugar and caffeine, and as Olivia had said, 'all things normal.'

 

"Alikins, you've loved cinnamon muffins ever since we were seven years old and you used to trade me your coconut cookie for my cinnamon muffin. What gives?"

 

"I stopped eating them back when Olivia and I first started trying to have a baby." She shrugged.

 

"God Al, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Alex nodded.

 

Hillary decided to try and change the topic to fonder memories.

 

"Hey, do you remember the time we locked my brother out in the rain?" That drew a smile from Alex, who nodded.

 

"How could I forget my first kiss, Hillary Winnick?" The other woman smiled. "Right there in the stables among the horses and that barn cat. I can still smell the hay and…other things."

 

"I was pretty phenomenal, wasn't I?" Alex threw her napkin at her. "That kiss wasn't the only first those poor horses saw." Alex scowled. "How was I supposed to know you're allergic to hay?"

 

"I am not allergic to hay. I am allergic to rolling around naked in hay. There is a difference." Alex cocked her head to the side and gave Hillary a warm smile. "Thanks for taking my mind off of Olivia, even if it's just for a few minutes. I love you."

 

Hillary nodded. "I'm glad we're together now. What are your plans for the day?"

 

"I need to go over the folder Liz gave me. How about you?"

 

"I need to make sure everything is set for our meeting with the adoption agency tomorrow, and I need to set up some meetings for next week. I'll be gone for a few hours. You'll be ok here by yourself?" Alex nodded.

 

XXXXXXX

 

Several hours later, Hillary returned to find Alex sitting curled up on the bed, reading the file Liz Donnelly had given her. Hillary joined her on the bed and pulled her into her arms.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Alex took her glasses off and snuggled into Hillary. "I didn't realize that abortion was a billion dollar a year industry and largely unregulated. It makes sense that organized crime would try to get a piece of the action. All those babies……"

 

Hillary leaned in and kissed her. Taking the file from her, she laid Alex's glasses down and pulled her up. "Let's go out to dinner." Alex started to protest, but Hillary stopped her.

 

They ended up at a restaurant across the street from the bar Elliot and Olivia had gone to. Alex caught a glimpse of both detectives as they were leaving the bar. She held her breath until she could ascertain Olivia wasn't drunk. Hillary caught Alex staring out the window and following her line of sight, she exhaled a harsh breath.

 

"Al. Let her go." Alex glared at her old friend and lover.

 

"Shut up Hillary. You don't know what she's been through."

 

Intently studying the menu, she answered, "No, but I know what you've been though and what she put you through. That's all I need to know."

 

They ate in silence, both women avoiding the other. Hillary snatched the check away before Alex could grab it and plopped down her credit card. They left in silence and took a cab back to the hotel. They got ready for bed in silence, and Alex turned her back to Hillary as she climbed into the bed.

"Are you going to stay mad all night?"

"Some things are off limits Hillary." Easing toward Alex she slowly wrapped her arm around the blonde's waist. Alex didn't resist and Hillary moved in closer and nuzzled her neck.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

The next morning sunlight woke Alex and she rolled over to find the other side of the bed empty. Hillary had left her a note once again, and Alex hurried to shower. She chose a pair of dress slacks and a light sweater to wear to the adoption agency.

 

Hillary returned from her run, with breakfast. She chose a bagel for Alex and that brought a smile to the young woman's face. Smiling at her, she went to take a shower and when she returned, she found Alex reading the morning paper.

 

"Old habits die hard, huh?" Alex smile

"We have time to stop by the court house and fill out the Domestic Partnership papers and by the benefits department so I can add you to my coverage. OK?" Hillary nodded.

 

Alex was nervous about going to the court house, for fear of running into Olivia or worse, Elliot. She could only imagine what he, and the rest of the squad must think of her. Hillary hugged her from behind and kissed her temple. Taking Alex's left hand, she placed the emerald cut diamond ring on her finger.

 

Alex coughed and looked up at Hillary who shrugged. She fingered the ring and flashed back to the Claddagh ring Olivia had given her, more or less, three nights ago. The diamond felt heavy on her finger and as far as Alex could tell, it was impractical. She glanced at Hillary once again who shrugged and said, "Marry me?"

 

Alex gave her a dour look before replying, "Sure. Why not."

 

XXXXXXXX

 

 

Alex walked behind Hillary after they arrived at the court house. Just as they were about to enter the Office of Domestic Affairs, Olivia and Elliot rounded the corner. The two women locked eyes and Olivia's eyes went from Alex to Hillary to the sign on the door they were about to enter. She looked back at Alex and down to the papers in her left hand. She noticed the engagement ring on Alex's left hand.

 

Looking at her with a horrified look, she bolted. Elliot gave her a dirty look before turning to go after Olivia. As he took off he glanced back and sneered, "You've got some nerve Cabot."

 

Hillary pulled her through the door and said, "Let's just do this, see Kurt in benefits, and get out of here. The apartment should be ready soon."

 

Alex numbly followed her, trying not to burst into tears. Luckily for them, the clerk thought Alex's tears were tears of joy.

 

XXXXXXXX

 

Elliot found Olivia leaning against a pillar outside the courthouse.

 

"How could she Elliot? How could I have been so blind? Is this how you felt when Kathy left you?"

 

Elliot stared out at the street below before answering. "Yeah. Like I was sucker punched in the stomach. Wish I could say it'd get better, but it won't. Not any time soon. If I'd had any idea we'd bump into her, I wouldn't have drug you down here after lunch. You gonna be ok to go home?"

 

"Home. What a funny word. Yeah, I'll be ok to go back to the place where I sleep."

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

Hillary hauled Alex into the bathroom. Making sure it was empty, she pushed her up against the wall. "Pull it together Al. Can you do that?" Alex nodded. Hearing the door open, she leaned in and kissed Alex.

 

"Olivia. Alex. Don't mind me." Melinda Warner was shocked when the brunette pulled back, revealing not Olivia, but another woman. "Alex? Everything ok?" Warner looked between Alex and the other woman and back again.

 

"Melinda, this is my…this is Hillary Caputo. We just signed our Domestic Partner papers. We're on our way to the benefits office."

 

Melinda Warner slightly shook her head before extending her hand. "Pleased to meet you."

 

"Come on Alikins, we need to get to the apartment before 4pm." Alex couldn't meet Melinda's eyes, and Warner stood in disbelief as they left the bathroom.

 

Outside the bathroom, Hillary took Alex's hand and practically pulled her down the hall to the benefits office. Before they entered, Hillary pulled her in close. "We need to be a happy couple in there Alex. This is, for all intents and purposes, our wedding day. Can you do that?" Alex nodded. "Let's go."

 

Alex noticed that when she requested the necessary forms from the clerk, it was Kurt Breemer, the benefits administrator, who returned to the counter. "ADA Cabot, what a surprise. Please follow me." They entered his office and took seats opposite his desk. Hillary reached for Alex's left hand, and clasped it. He looked between both women and then down at their hands. "Very nice ring Alex." He squirmed before continuing. "Pardon me if I'm mistaken, but I thought you were involved with Detective Benson?"

 

"Not anymore."

 

"Does this lucky woman have a name?"

 

"I'm sorry, in all of the excitement I forgot to introduce you. Kurt Breemer, this is my partner, Hillary Caputo." They exchanged handshakes and Hillary added, "Actually, it's Dr. Caputo."

 

"I see. What area?"

 

"Endocrinology. I don't practice though, I'm in research." Kurt nodded.

 

Alex chimed in, "Hil broke her parents heart when she went into research instead of private practice." Alex smiled at the other woman warmly.

 

"Doesn't that deal with weight?"

 

Hillary nodded. "But more importantly, fertility. I'm actually a reproductive endocrinologist. My specialty is fertility."

 

Breemer looked down at his desk blotter and back up. "With all due respect Alex, I've noticed several claims for fertility services for you over the last 15 months. It's my job to review them all. Is everything ok?"

 

Becoming visibly upset, Alex stammered, "I'm…unable." Hillary rubbed her back and shot a dirty look in Breemer's direction.

 

"Alex and I are exploring other options. We have an appointment with an adoption agency later today." He nodded.

 

"Have you sought out alternative…..therapies?" Alex nodded and Hillary continued the conversation.

 

"That's actually how Alex and I reconnected. We met back in college and dated until she graduated law school. We just sort of drifted apart, and after Alex's last….miscarriage, she called me and we went to lunch. Apparently there was some unfinished business between us, because here we are!"

 

"I've tried them all Kurt. Acupuncture, herbal medicine, detox, everything. Hillary's been very helpful in that regard."

 

Hillary threw in, "Unlike Detective Benson."

 

" While I'd really, really like to carry a child, experience pregnancy," she shrugged "it's not meant to be. Adoption's our last hope, and we're gay. I've taken a leave of absence to try and work on this.                   

 

"I may have a couple of contacts that can help. I can get the information for you if you'd like?"

 

"I would appreciate that. We both would." Alex turned and smiled at Hillary. Both women signed the necessary forms and left the office.

 

Making sure they were gone, Breemer pulled out a pre-paid cell phone and dialed. "It's me. I've got another and you're going to love this one. An Assistant District Attorney. Prime candidate. Run a check on a Dr. Caputo. Hillary."

 

XXXXXXX

 

Alex waited for Hillary to get in the car before she started in on her. "I told you last night that some things are off limits, and that means Olivia! She has to see and work in that building daily. Leave her out of this Hillary Winnick!"

 

Hillary turned to face Alex and fired back, "She should have thought of that before she got so drunk she couldn't drive you to the hospital after having that miscarriage!"

 

"How dare you! That was a freak complication, you said so yourself! She was hurting." Alex turned away from her and stared out the window.

 

"And what were you Alex? Having a party?" Hillary hit the steering wheel and turned back to face her. "Alexandra Reed Cabot, I have known you since we were babies. We've been best friends since we were seven and took our last bath together, and I fell in love with you when I was fourteen. I never stopped, and I won't stand by and watch someone hurt you."

 

"Did you love me while you were fucking Cassie Bennett?"

 

"Classic Cabot. Hit so far below the belt that you can see China. We were already done by then and you know it."

 

The car was quiet for a good five minutes before Alex finally spoke. "That was a low blow. I'm sorry. And yes, we were already done. Truce?" Hillary leaned over and kissed her.

 

"Truce."

 

XXXXXXXXXX

 

World of Children Adoption Agency

 

 

"Miss Cabot, Miss Caputo, please come in. My name is Hedda Pfizer." They all took their seats as Hedda reviewed Alex and Hillary's paperwork. She flipped through page after page of the application, periodically glancing at the two women sitting across from her.

 

"Everything seems to be in order. I notice you are Domestic Partners? Since….earlier today." Hedda raised an eyebrow and looked at the two women sitting across from her.

 

"We've actually known each other since college. We dated way back when and recently found our way back to each other. Alex has fertility issues, and we really want a baby. What can you do to help us?"

 

"Hmmmm. This may take a while. I'll arrange for a home visit in the next week, and we'll go from there. Do you have the money for the necessary fees?" Hillary nodded and handed her the check.

 

They saw themselves out and returned to the car.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

"We're living on the Upper West Side? Impressive."

 

Hillary rolled her eyes as they  strode past the doorman. She pushed the button for the fifth floor. Standing outside their door, she turned to Alex and said, "Ready?" Alex nodded.

 

Walking in, she found the apartment fully decorated. Hillary came in behind her and made her way to the bedroom to change. Alex wondered around the living room taking note of everything. She wondered down the hall opposite the hallway leading to what she assumed was their bedroom. She found a closed door and curiously opened it.

 

Staggering backwards, she was caught by Hillary's arms. "I wasn't expecting that." Hillary turned her around and held her tighter, stroking her hair.

 

"I know. I should have warned you. We needed a nursery for the home visit." She shrugged. Reaching around Alex, she went to pull the door closed when Alex stopped her.

 

"Might as well go in and see it." She walked in and noted the white rocker and baby bed, complete with dresser, changing table and toy box. She nodded and pushed past Hillary as she hurried from the room. Hillary followed her and found her in what was to become their bedroom.

 

She crawled on the bed next to Alex and held her.

 

"God Alex, I wish I could take away your pain. I'm so sorry. Maybe this is too much for you?"

 

Shaking her head, Alex answered, "No. I can and will do this. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard either. She was my whole world." Hillary held her while she cried herself to sleep.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

The next few days crept by and Alex fell into a deeper depression. She and Hillary were playing the happy couple, and the adoption agency was coming for a home visit later that day. Alex managed to pull herself out of bed and shower before they arrived.

 

Hillary made it home just before the agency arrived and stood with Alex to greet them." As members from the agency went about inspecting their home, Alex started to follow them, but Hillary discreetly stopped her. After the three member team had finished inspecting their apartment, they all sat in the living room drinking tea.

 

Hedda was the first to speak. "Hillary, Alex, we want to place children in a loving two parent home. I do have some concerns regarding the newness of your relationship. I have to wonder if you're really in love or simply reacting to some old feelings that may have been dredged up during a time of great stress for you, Miss Cabot? How's your intimacy?"

 

Alex nearly choked, but Hillary smoothly answered, "Alex is in her cycle this week, but otherwise, it's really good. We've always been compatible that way." Hedda nodded and made some notes.

 

"I think you may do better dealing with our Philadelphia office. They handle a lot of children from western European countries. If you'd like, I can set up an appointment for later in the week? Can you make it to Philly by Thursday night?" Hillary looked at Alex who nodded. "Good. We have a hotel we recommend and I can handle all of the accommodations for you if you'd like?"

 

"That would be helpful." Alex smiled her most charming smile at the older woman.

 

XXXXXXXXXX

 

2 Days Later

 

"Why'd you stop?" Olivia sat up on the other woman's couch and felt her face flaming.

 

"I'm sorry Sandy, I'm just not ready for this. It was a stupid mistake for me to come home with you. I'm sorry."

 

Olivia began to re-button her shirt and pulled her shoes on. Her only thought was to get home and take a shower and try to wash this night away. It even crossed her mind that she couldn't blame this fiasco on drinking. She'd only had a beer at the bar when Sandy started hitting on her. Feeling a bit sorry for herself, she'd stupidly followed the blonde home, throwing caution to the wind.

 

Apparently, the wind was in the mood to throw it right back at her. Try as she might, she couldn't get thoughts of Alex out of her mind. Since that day in the courthouse, she hadn't seen hide nor hair of her former lover and while that was a relief on some level, it was also a burden. No matter what Alex had done, she was a part of Olivia and always would be. Not that this was giving Olivia any comfort at the moment.

 

"You still love her? Even after everything she's put you through?" Olivia nodded and cursed herself for ever telling this woman anything about Alex. "I think that's sweet. I hope to find someone who'll love me like that one day." Olivia hesitated at her words.

 

"Olivia, you're welcome to stay the night if you don't want to be alone. No strings attached."

 

"Thanks Sandy, but I should probably head home." Olivia offered her a smile.

 

"Would you like to come to dinner tomorrow night? You look like you could use a friend and I haven't cooked for anybody in a very long time. Around 7?" Olivia thought it over before nodding.

 

"I'll see you here tomorrow night. Do I need to bring anything?" Sandy shook her head no. They sat on the couch in complete silence for a long while before Olivia finally left.

 

"Thanks Sandy."

 

XXXXXXXX

 

Olivia stood under the hot spray of water and scrubbed at her skin. She felt like she had cheated on Alex and laughed at the irony of that thought. When the water finally ran cold, she trudged out of the shower and collapsed on top of the mattress and box springs she'd sat on the floor.

 

She wondered what Alex was doing at that very moment. Finding no answers she really wanted to consider, she rolled into a ball and clutched the pillow that had become her surrogate Alex. Eventually she slept.

 

Alex and Hillary began the trek to Philly on Thursday afternoon.

 

"Did you check in?" Hillary nodded. "And?"

 

"Everything looks good. You and Olivia are still the hot topic on the gossip grapevine. Speaking of Olivia, I hear she's not been late once since the break-up and aside from those beers with Elliot, the only other time she's been in a bar was last night."

 

"Oh? Did she?" Hillary shook her head and remained quiet.

 

"What?"

 

"I didn't say anything."

 

"Exactly. What else is there? She's not being self destructive in other ways, is she?"

 

Hillary squirmed and shook her head. "She, uh, went home with somebody last night. From the bar." Alex was speechless. "She left about an hour later Alex." Hillary looked at her with sympathy. "I'm sorry."

 

Alex nodded and continued to look out the window of the car, wishing Philadelphia would hurry up and come.

 

XXXXXXXXXXX

 

The only noises in the room were gentle moans and the rustling of bed sheets. Alex had her knees bent and legs spread and her head was lolled to the side, eyes shut. She was clutching two handfuls of bedding and gently rocking her hips; Hillary's legs were hanging off the bed and her form could be made out beneath the sheets.

 

With a final thrust and gentle gasp, Alex bit her lower lip and let her legs fall open. Hillary worked her way up Alex's body and cradled her face. Running her thumb over Alex's lips, she leaned in to the blonde's ear and whispered, "In a few minutes, put on your robe and go into the bathroom. I'll be in, in a minute." With that, she captured Alex's lips, and wiped away the tears coming from the corners of her eyes.

 

"I love you Alikins."

 

Alex pulled Hillary back down for another kiss and said, "I love you too."

 

Hillary rolled off of Alex and played with her hair. She watched as Alex's nude form pulled her robe on and padded into the bathroom. She gave her a few minutes and followed her. Shutting the door, she began running the shower. Casually placing a finger to her lips, she removed Alex's robe as well as her own and guided her into the shower.

 

Holding Alex from behind, she nipped at her ear as she whispered, "We'll talk at breakfast. Ok?" The blonde nodded her head and began soaping her body.

 

XXXXXXXXXX

 

Hillary pulled the car into the parking lot of the Mayfair Diner and smiled at Alex, who looked rather perplexed.

 

"What is this?"

 

"Historic Mayfair Diner. It's been around since 1932. You're in for a treat. Plus, we can talk in private."

 

After a brief wait, they were seated in the back of the diner at a red vinyl booth. Hillary didn't need to look at the menu to know what she wanted. She ordered biscuits and gravy with hash browns, a large tomato juice and toast.

 

"Is that healthy?" Hillary just looked at her. "I'll have the biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, sausage and a large orange juice." Hillary smirked at her "Shut-up."

 

Hillary played with her glass, making water circles on the table. Looking up at Alex, she eased back into the booth and stretched her arms across the back of the booth.

 

"What?"

 

Leaning back in, she said, "You were awfully quiet this morning. You used to be a screamer." Alex rolled her eyes. "It's the truth." Alex leaned in as well.

 

"Yes. I'm a screamer." Especially with Olivia.

 

"I'm just saying, you could have been a little more vocal." Alex noticed the hurt in the other woman's eyes, but let it go. "Let's go before we're late." Hillary was already up front and paying the bill. She was in the car by the time Alex emerged from the restaurant and the ride to the adoption agency was silent.

 

As soon as they were in the parking lot of the agency, both women had pasted on smiles as they headed into the office. "Dr. Caputo and Alex Cabot to see Anka Astor", who showed them into her office.

 

"Miss Cabot, I see you are an Assistant District Attorney with the NYC DA's office, and you are currently on a leave of absence. Do you plan on returning to work after you adopt?"

 

"Yes. I would ideally take a regular maternity leave and then return to the DA's office. I love my job and I wouldn't know what to do if I weren't in the courtroom." Again Anka nodded and turned her attention to Hillary.

 

"Dr. Caputo, I understand you are in the field of Reproductive Endocrinology?" Hillary nodded. "Yet you're here with your partner to inquire about adopting? Is there nothing that can be done?"

 

Hillary glanced at Alex before answering. "Barring some major medical break through, I'm afraid pregnancy is not going to be an option for Alex, and I only have one functioning ovary. After Alex's first miscarriage, there was a complication .If she could ever get passed the first 8 weeks, she'd have a good shot at going full term. But her body will not allow the fetus to grow and thrive. There are other issues as well, but that's the most pressing one."

 

"I see. And you've tried every possible alternative therapy? There's nothing that can be done?" Alex shook her head and once again, Hillary patted her back. Anka watched the interaction between the two women, and made a few notes.

 

"Where do you find the children you place for adoption?" Hillary asked.

 

"A variety of sources, but usually they are young women who decided against having an abortion and found their way to us."

 

Alex spoke up, "I'm glad those women chose not to abort their babies. Abortion is such a senseless thing and nothing ever comes from it, but heartache and pain."

 

"I take it you're pro-life Miss Cabot? Alex shifted and put her best game face on.

 

"Oh I used to be one of those politically correct women who believed in choice. Until I couldn't have what all those other women or girls could have had. It put a whole new perspective on things. Maybe one day we'll have an artificial womb, just as we have an artificial heart and hip and knee replacements." She shrugged. "But that will be long after I'm gone."

 

Anka nodded. "Myself as well. Before you decide on adoption, there is a doctor we've done a lot of work with. He's a specialist on loan to NYU from Brazil. He may be able to offer something new that would allow you to become pregnant. Would you like me to refer you? His name is Jose Mangels."

 

"I don't….."

 

Hillary cut her off. "We'd love to see him." Anka looked between the two and back at Hillary with a raised eyebrow. "Alex is just scared of being picked and prodded again, only to have her hopes dashed. Aren't you sweetheart?"

 

Alex nodded. "But if….well, I want to be able to say I've tried everything there is to try. I'm not a quitter and this is very important to me."

 

"I'll set up the appointment for you and be in touch. In the mean time, I'll start putting out feelers for an adoption placement. It was a pleasure meeting you both."

 

XXXXXXX

 

Anka watched from her office window as Hillary and Alex made their way to the car. She smiled as she saw Hillary open the door for Alex. Going back to her desk, she picked up the phone and dialed.

 

"It's me. They just left. She plans on going back to work as a prosecutor after a standard maternity leave. They appear to be in love. Did Caputo check out? Good. Get anything else? Bring it to me. And see how this Benson woman is holding up. "

 

XXXXXXX

 

"Mornin' partner. How was your night?"

 

Olivia sat down her bag and case files and went to get a cup of coffee. Pouring a generous amount of sugar into the black sludge, she sat down across from Elliot.

 

"Went to a bar, had a beer and went home with a woman. And you?"

 

"Excuse me? How large was this beer mug?"

 

Taking some aspirin, Olivia filled him in on what had happened the night before, right down to the getting half naked and then stopping part.

 

"I think it's a good thing you stopped. You're vulnerable right now." Noticing she had a handful of envelopes in her hand, he asked, "What are those?"

 

"Mail for Alex. I started to throw them away, but decided against it. That would be immature. I'd just forward them, but I'm not sure where she's living and now that she's on leave, I'm not sure what to do."

 

"You could call and leave her a message on her cell phone?"

 

"I'm afraid she'll pick up and I'll hear that other woman." Contemplating that for a moment, she picked up her desk phone and dialed Alex's cell. A few seconds later she slammed the phone down on the cradle.

 

"What Liv?"

 

"Her cell phone's been shut off." Grabbing her jacket, she tore out of the squad room and Eliot was right behind her.

 

Standing outside the station, she was pacing back and forth.

 

"Was I not enough for her? How could I have been so stupid? Like I could ever have a house, dog and 2.3 kids. Stupid! I should have left well enough alone." She was pointing her finger at Elliot as she paced. "I wish she'd never come back here. She should have gone back to Wisconsin and that claims adjuster when they finally nailed Velez. Anywhere but near me. I hate her."

 

"You don't mean that Liv. You're just upset."

 

"Damn straight I'm upset. I know I screwed up a lot in our relationship and she was very forgiving, but fuck me, this is so wrong. Maybe she was abducted by aliens. Tell Cragen I'm taking the rest of the day off. Do me a favor? Take her mail down to Donnelly's office and leave it."

 

Elliot watched her tear down the sidewalk before going back inside the building.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

 

Both women were silent as Hillary navigated through the streets of Philly. "You did a good job in there Alex."

 

Not looking at the other woman, she answered, "Thank you. Do you really only have one working ovary?"

 

"What? Oh, back there. No, all my parts work, I just have no desire to have children."

 

"I remember." Hillary sighed and they lapsed back into silence.

 

After an hour of silence as they drove back to New York, Alex couldn't take it anymore.

 

"How long are you going to stay mad at me?"

 

"All I'm saying is you could have been a little more vocal."

 

"Let me see if I have this down correctly. You are mad at me for not faking a better orgasm for the fake sex we had? Is that it?"

 

Hillary jerked the car hard to the right. Cutting the ignition she turned to face Alex.

 

"This needs to be realistic Alex. You can bet that room was bugged for both audio and video. These people make Velez look like a Boy Scout. Do you understand? I know you've given up your precious Olivia, who doesn't deserve you by the way, for this, but others have invested far more time and energy than you, and it all hinges on you, so don't fuck it up."

 

"I'm sorry. I just didn't think it would be this hard. And now she's out trolling at bars? What happens if she finds someone else while I'm doing this? I could lose my entire life, again, only this time it won't be worth it because she won't be waiting for me."

 

"Come here." Hillary drew Alex to her and held her. "We've all got a lot invested in this. I know this isn't real, you and me, but there's a part of me that wishes it was. I'm sorry."

 

Alex cocked her head. "You never got over me."

 

"Duh." Hillary moved an errant strand of hair from Alex's face. "I doubt she slept with that woman."

 

"How do you know?"

 

"It doesn't seem to be the good detective's nature to love'm and leave'm after only an hour." Alex nodded. "And you could have at least screamed my name. Besides, you never get over Alex Cabot."

 

"Is that your ego or the case talking Dr. Winnick?"

 

Hillary started the car and pulled back out onto the road without answering Alex.  

NEXT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary’s HH