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22 Months Post PoM
Olivia Benson was on top of her wife, rubbing and kissing her in all the right places. It had been 3 months since Sam Cavanaugh’s death, and Alex had slowly gotten some of her sex drive back. Her headaches had dulled to just a few each week and she was down to taking only Tylenol when she had one. She was still having nightmares about Sam and other things, but they were less intense and her crying jags were gone for the most part.
It was a rare night when they had the brownstone to themselves. Wil-Henry Crawford was in town for a seminar and he’d brought his mother along to visit the kids. Sydney and Kennedy were spending the night with their biological father and paternal grandmother, leaving their parents alone for the night.
“In me Liv…in me.”
“Whatever you say sweetie.” She slid two fingers into her wife and pumped back and forth several times as she made her way down her wife’s body. She’d just taken her wife’s clit between her lips when the phone rang. She pulled back and muttered, “Don’t answer that.”
“Don’t plan on it.” Alex thrust her hips. “Finish…please.”
The answering machine picked up, but they didn’t leave a message. No sooner had the machine cut off, and then first Alex’s cell phone began to ring, followed by Olivia’s.
Alex swore and Olivia abandoned what she was doing to Alex. She moved back up her wife’s body and watched as she grabbed her cell phone and began dialing.
“This is Cabot. You called?”
Olivia had gotten out of bed to get her own cell phone and stopped when she heard Alex gasp and then heard her phone hit the floor.
“Alex?”
The blonde was shaking her head and saying “No” over and over. Olivia picked up her wife’s phone and sat down on the bed next to her now near hysterical partner. She wrapped an arm around her wife and pulled her close while speaking to the person on the other end.
“This is Det. Benson. What’s happened?”
She listened as the caller relayed the information to her and closed her eyes and gripped Alex tighter. “I’ll be right there.” She hung-up the phone and held Alex tighter.
“I’m going with you.”
“Alex…”
The blond had already slipped into her professional mask and looked at Olivia as if to dare her. Giving up, she simply nodded and gave her a brief kiss on the forehead.
They arrived at Rikkers a half hour later and were met by Elliot and Fin. Elliot glanced at Cabot and then back to Olivia. The brunette gave a slight shake of her head and he nodded. He stepped in front of both women before they could move into the cell.
“It’s pretty grisly in there. Are you sure you want to see this Alex?” She managed a small nod and he stepped aside.
Warner was there collecting evidence and surprise registered on her face at the sight of Alex. She too looked at Olivia and raised an eyebrow. When the brunette simply looked right back at her she stepped aside.
Olivia entered the cell first and almost tossed her cookies. The blue, ashen face of Cheryl Avery lay staring up at nothing with cloudy eyes. Sticking out of her neck was a make shift shiv made out of her toothbrush. Her head was encircled by a halo of blood and her arms bore bruises and scars from repeated abuse.
Alex entered immediately after Olivia and had to grab her wife to keep herself upright. Warner took her by the elbow and led her just outside the cell.
“Alex? Are you going to be ok?”
“Yes.”
Warner nodded and then went back into the cell. She handed Olivia a bagged suicide not that Cheryl had left behind. It was addressed to Alex. Olivia hurriedly read over the note and swore at what Cheryl had written. She was trying to shove the note back to Warner when Alex re-appeared in the cell.
“Is that the note she left me?”
“Alex, I don’t think….”
“Not up to you Olivia.” She motioned for the note and read over it. She managed to keep the bile in her throat down. “I’ll need a copy of this Melinda.”
Warner looked between Alex and Olivia and nodded when Olivia gave her a slight nod.
“Liv?” When the brunette looked at her she continued, “Let’s go home.”
After conferring with Warner, Elliot and Fin, she was satisfied Cheryl Avery’s death was nothing more than a tragic suicide. Her focus shifted from Cheryl to her wife. While Cheryl’s note had not been abusive or angry, it had pointed a finger at Alex as well as the system for putting someone like her into an impossible and ultimately tragic situation. She’d detailed the number of rapes, assaults and torture she’d received through the years and how she simply couldn’t go on.
As they drove home, Olivia kept sneaking glances at Alex and she could have sworn her wife had aged decades in the span of the evening. She’d tried to engage Alex in conversation, but the blonde had failed to comment.
By the time they arrived home, Alex had started having the chills and Olivia eventually recognized it for what it was; shock. She had stripped Alex down and climbed into the shower with her, letting the hottest water either could stand cascade down on them. Afterwards she bundled her wife up in a fuzzy robe and put her to bed.
“Alex, maybe I should call George or Warner? See if they can give you something?”
Alex shook her head no and pulled Olivia’s arm more firmly around her. Neither woman slept much that night, and Olivia decided she was going to call-in for Alex the next morning.
Alex however, had other ideas. “Liv, I can’t just call-in every time something goes horribly wrong! I need to work.”
Olivia went to get the morning paper and found a bank of reporters and photographers waiting on her. Grabbing the paper, she slammed the door and ran up the stairs to tell Alex. The blonde only nodded and told Olivia to call Wil-Henry and see if his mother would be willing to watch the kids another night as Kathleen was on spring break and out of the city.
Olivia helped her wade through the crowd of reporters, giving no comment to the questions being thrown at her. Olivia was outraged when one reporter yelled, “This is the second time you’ve put somebody in the morgue Ms. Cabot, and how does that make you feel?”
Olivia turned and flashed her badge, threatening to arrest him for trespassing, but Alex said nothing, opting to get into the car.
XXXXXXXXXX
Alex had been on autopilot all day, fielding questions from her young charges, all of whom knew better than to mention Cheryl to her. She was ready to leave when Olivia arrived to pick her up.
She called the kids as they drove home, more out of duty than any real desire to talk to them. She listened as Kennedy and then Sydney rattled on about their day at the MoMA and ended the call with a perfunctory ‘I love you’ and goodbye.
She refused to eat dinner that night, citing a massive amount of paperwork she needed to clean up. Olivia had tried to engage her in conversation to no avail. She’d even refused to talk to her mother on the phone and had barricaded herself in the downstairs apartment.
Once she was downstairs, Olivia called Meredith Cabot back and they talked for nearly an hour about Alex. Near the end of the call, Meredith asked Olivia to come see her the next day, by herself. When Olivia asked if everything was ok, Meredith ignored her comment and simply said, “Let’s just talk about this tomorrow Olivia.”
Olivia checked on Alex just before midnight and was told by her wife not to wait up for her. When she awoke the next morning, Alex was not in bed. In fact, her side didn’t look as though it had been slept in. Olivia hurried down to the apartment and found Alex still working on case files.
Rubbing her eyes she asked, “Alex? Have you been down here all night?”
The blond gave her a passing glance before returning her focus to a case file.
Olivia returned to the upstairs and made breakfast for her wife. She took it down to her and made her eat a few bites. She returned to the upstairs to get ready for work and was somewhat relieved when Alex finally came up to the bedroom.
Without a word she stripped and stepped into the shower. Olivia pulled back the curtain to join her, but Alex shook her head. “I’m ok Olivia. You don’t have to worry.”
XXXXXXXXXXX
Olivia had been unable to reach Alex all morning and was frustrated. She had also sent her wife a few emails, but had gotten nothing in return.
She finally gave up and took the rest of the day off to go see Meredith. She made record time to Amherst and found herself sitting across from her mother-in-law, drinking tea. The older Cabot was being extremely quiet and Olivia was becoming more and more alarmed.
“Meredith? Is something wrong? Is something wrong with Alex and she’s not telling me?”
The elder Cabot looked sharply at Olivia and considered her comment.
“Not that I am aware of Olivia. Why, do you believe something is wrong with her?”
Olivia shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s been having headaches, taking vicodin, isn’t sleeping.” She shrugged again.
Meredith nodded. “Ever since that boy’s mother took him off life support she’s gotten worse, hasn’t she?” Olivia nodded. The older woman sighed. “Olivia, I need you to keep a confidence for me. Can you do that? It will mean keeping something from my daughter for the time being.”
“Meredith, you know Alex and I don’t keep secrets.”
“I am aware, however this is an extraordinary circumstance otherwise I wouldn’t ask you.” When Olivia finally agreed she started. “Olivia, I had planned on asking you here today to help me figure out how to tell my daughter that I have cancer, but after the events of the last 24 hours, I don’t think that is wise.”
Olivia’s face fell. “Cancer?” Mrs. Cabot nodded. “What kind? How long?”
“Stomach. As for how long…” She shrugged.
“Meredith, I can’t keep this from Olivia. Please don’t ask me to!”
“Olivia, I am not asking you to keep this from her indefinitely; only for another week or so. Give her some time between trauma’s as it were.”
“1 week Meredith and then either I tell her or you do.” She went to the woman who had become a mother to her and hugged her, letting her tears fall freely. “Is there anything I can do?”
She wiped Olivia’s tears. “Take care of my stubborn daughter; not matter what, ok?”
Olivia nodded.
XXXXXXXXXX
Alex and Olivia had attended Cheryl’s funeral service and were now sitting in a café close to the funeral home.
“Her own parents didn’t even come Liv.” Alex shook her head. “Liv…can you ever imagine either one of the kids doing something that would make you turn your back on them?”
Without hesitation Olivia answered, “No. Never.” She looked Alex over and took her hand. “You?”
The blonde had tears in here eyes as she shook her head. “Never. I can’t imagine bringing a child into the world and then just discarding them.” She dabbed at her eyes and then swore. “Damn tears! All I seem to do these days is cry.”
It was true, Alex had returned to tearing up at the least little thing in the days following Cheryl’s death. She’d slept little if any at all and Olivia was worried sick about her. They were supposed to go see Meredith Cabot the next day, and Olivia was dreading the visit.
“How about we take the rest of the day off? Take some time just for ourselves?” The brunette was looking at her hopefully.
Alex considered what she’d said and then shook her head. “I can’t Liv. I’ve got a mountain of paperwork to do.” She gave her wife a small smile and then stood to leave. She kissed her on the cheek and headed in the direction of her office.
XXXXXXXXXXX
“Where’s Mommy?”
Olivia was tucking Sydney in that night and for the fourth night in a row, Alex had missed bedtime.
“She’s working baby.”
“She’s always working Mom-O! I never see her anymore. I miss her!”
Olivia gathered the girl to her and rubbed her back. “I know baby, I know. She’s just been busy, but that doesn’t mean she’s not thinking about you. She always comes in and kisses you good night even if you don’t know it.”
“She does?”
“Yes baby.”
That seemed to mollify the little girl, who snuggled up with her Pooh bear and drifted off to sleep.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Alex made it home that night before midnight and after checking on the children, she crawled into bed next to Olivia. The brunette woke when Alex began kissing her and her hand found it’s way to her panties.
“…Alex?”
“Shhh. Let me.” She began moving down Olivia’s body. “I haven’t been much of a wife lately. I’m sorry.” Before Olivia could answer, Alex had her head between her legs and was making love to her wife. It didn’t take long for Olivia to climax and Alex snuggled back into her wife’s side. Olivia tried to return the favor, but Alex shook her head and began to cry.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I…I don’t know Liv. I’m just…it’ll pass.”
Alex slept fitfully that night and Olivia slept very little, trying to keep tabs on her wife. She was leery of the upcoming visit to Meredith Cabot, but she was even more uncomfortable keeping such important news from her wife.
Meredith had started chemo and Olivia had gone with her to her first round of treatment. She had lied to Alex about being on a stake out so she could stay with the elder Cabot that night.
“Liv? Liv, wake up.”
“What?” She rolled over and saw that it was 6 am. Groaning, she stretched in the bed and managed to smile at her wife. “I hate mornings.”
Alex smiled at her. “I know.” She bent and kissed her wife and then kissed her again, deeper. She began a trek down her wife’s body and was trying to spread her legs when Olivia stopped her.
“Sweetie, you don’t have to.”
Alex kissed her inner thigh. “I know…I want to.”
XXXXXXXXXX
That Night
Alex was a bit suspicious as her wife had been unusually quiet on the drive to her mother’s. Serena and Jenny were keeping the kids overnight. Mrs. Cabot had welcomed them into the house and Alex was alarmed at her mother’s appearance. She was gaunt looking and her hair seemed to be thinner. Dinner was subdued and mid-way through, Alex couldn’t take it any longer.
“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“Mom, what’s wrong with you? You look like shit, you’ve invited us here on a weeknight, and both of you,” she motioned between Olivia and her mother, “refuse to make eye contact with each other or me.”
Meredith Cabot lay her fork down and looked at her daughter. “You’re right Alex; something is wrong. Peanut, I have stomach cancer. I’ve started chemo and my prognosis is 50-50.”
Alex dropped her fork. “C-Cancer? You have cancer?” She shot a look at Olivia. “Did you know this?” When Olivia lowered her eyes, Alex became enraged. “You knew my mother had cancer and you didn’t tell me? My mother?!”
“Peanut, calm down! I asked her not to tell you and she’s only known a week.”
Alex stood up and shoved her plate across the table. “A week? You’ve known this for a week?” She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? She’s my mother Olivia!” Alex picked up her plate and threw it at the far wall.
“Alex!”
“Peanut!”
“No! Don’t either one of you say a thing to me! You had no right, NO right to keep this from me!”
Olivia moved around the table and tried to take Alex in her arms. The blonde pushed her away and ran out of the dining room. Olivia and Meredith looked at each other and followed after Alex. They found her in her father’s study, sitting in his chair, crying. Olivia started to approach her, but Meredith stopped her.
“Let me.” She walked over to her daughter and knelt down in front of her. “Alex. Alex, look at me.” The blond turned her tear streaked face to her mother and pulled the woman into a fierce hug. “Shhh. It’ll be ok Peanut.”
“You don’t know that! You might not…you know.” She looked at Olivia over her mother’s shoulder. “And I should have gone with you for your first treatment. You shouldn’t have been alone.” She saw Olivia cringe and her anger flared up again. “You weren’t alone, were you? Olivia was there.” She did a quick calculation and came up with the date of the stake out.
“Peanut, it’s not her fault. I swore her to secrecy.”
“But why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Meredith sighed. “That girl, Cheryl Avery, she’d just killed herself the day I found out. I didn’t think it was a good time to tell you.”
Alex straightened. “That’s not your decision Mom. You know how I feel about having my choices taken from me.” She hugged her mother tighter. “Now, I need to know everything.”
XXXXXXXXX
They left Amherst just before 11 pm, as Alex had insisted they go back to the city. She did not speak to Olivia on the ride home, nor after they arrived home. She went immediately to the downstairs apartment and began working once again.
Olivia found her there going through Cheryl Avery’s autopsy report.
“Alex?”
“Cheryl was on a new anti-depressant just before she killed herself. Did you know that?”
Olivia picked up Warner’s report and studied it. “No, I didn’t. This is relevant, why?”
Alex handed her another sheet. “There have been 15 suicides reported in patients taking this drug. I want to press charges against the manufacturer.”
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “On what grounds Alex?”
“I’m not sure, but Olivia, the department of corrections forced Cheryl to change medications because this drug company underbid the other companies. They violated her civil rights.”
Olivia nodded and sat down next to her wife. “Alex…all of this may be true and it may be actionable, but this isn’t your fight anymore.” She tried to kiss her wife’s temple, but she pulled away. “Alex…I’m sorry about your mom, but she made me promise.”
Alex looked at her and pulled away further. “I am angry with you Olivia. We agreed long ago to not keep things from each other. Especially not things this important.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, and I’ll get over it; just not tonight or tomorrow.”
“I understand. Will you at least come to bed?”
Alex shook her head. “I have to figure this out Olivia. I have to make this right for Cheryl.”
Olivia sighed. “Alex…you can’t make this right for Cheryl. It ceased being correctable a long time ago where she’s concerned. Nothing you do now can ever take any of what she went through back.”
Alex turned ice blue eyes on her wife and in an eerily calm voice she replied, “Good night Olivia.”
XXXXXXXXX
3 Weeks Later
Alex was in the downstairs apartment furiously going over her Cheryl Avery file. She’d spent every waking moment she could spare working on bringing charges against the pharmaceutical company that made Cheryl’s antidepressant. When Olivia had tried to reason with her, Alex had reminded her of the Blaine case and how they’d successfully prosecuted the maker’s of Joe Blaine’s anti-depressant.
Alex had lost some of the anger at Olivia over her mother’s cancer, but the brunette was still squarely in the dog house. Alex was not even allowing Olivia to snuggle with her on the rare occasions she actually slept in their bed.
Meredith Cabot was having a hard time with her chemo and Alex had spent several nights away from home with her mother. Alex couldn’t admit it, but seeing her mother so weak and vulnerable disturbed her. The elder Cabot had always been a source of strength for her daughter and Alex was unaccustomed to playing the role of care taker to her mother.
Kennedy and Sydney seemed to be taking the disruption of their home life in stride and Alex had been adamant that they tell the kids her mother was ill. She had pointedly looked at Olivia as she stated everybody had a right to be informed.
For her part, Olivia was just about tired of Alex’s attitude. She realized she’d said “I’m sorry” more in the last three weeks than ever before in their marriage. Alex wasn’t budging on the forgiveness scale and Olivia was over it.
“Alex?”
The blonde looked up at her wife and then back down at her paperwork.
“Olivia.”
The brunette walked over to her desk and put her hand in the middle of Alex’s legal pad. When Alex looked up at her, her fury was barely concealed.
“What are you doing?”
Olivia leaned down into her personal space. “You’re coming upstairs to bed Alex. You are coming upstairs and tucking our children in and then you and I are going to bed and we are going to talk. And then we are going to make love.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed and she pushed her chair back from the desk.
“I will tuck my children in, but I will go to bed only when I am ready and I will fuck you only when I want to, got it?”
Olivia looked at her for a moment, felt herself getting wet at Alex’s defiance and then grabbed her wife. She pulled the blonde up and kissed her hard, dragging her against the length of her own body.
Alex reluctantly wrapped her arms around Olivia and kissed her back, hating herself for giving in to this woman, her wife. While she was pondering her body’s betrayal, Olivia had sat her on the desk and was trying to ease her back. Alex finally gave in and sighed as the brunette removed her panties and went down on her. Alex wanted to stay mad at Olivia and she didn’t want to climax, but her body had other ideas. Against her wishes, her body shuddered beneath Olivia’s tongue and as she lay on her back staring up at the ceiling above her, Alex Cabot felt disconnected from reality.
She closed her eyes as she felt Olivia leave her sex and hiding behind closed eyes, she accepted her wife’s kiss.
“Alex, I’m sorry.”
She opened her eyes and saw the sincerity in her wife’s own eyes. She sighed and lifted her hand to caress her lover’s face.
“I know you are Liv and I know I should move on from this, but I don’t know how or why I can’t. I don’t…something’ s not…I don’t know.”
Olivia helped her up and redressed her wife. By the time she figured out what she wanted to say, the moment was gone and Alex had slipped back into her professional mask. Standing up, she looked down at her now wet legal pad.
“Thanks a lot Olivia. I only worked on that for the last three hours.”
Shaking her head, she left the apartment to go upstairs and tuck her children in for the night. She found Kennedy playing a video game and Sydney sitting by his side cheering him on.
“Hey guys, it’s time for bed.”
Both children looked up in surprise at seeing their blonde mother. In the last few months they’d grown accustomed to Mom-O putting them to bed and Alex merely coming by with a kiss good night.
“You gonna read to me mommy?”
She smiled at her daughter. “Yes I am. Both of you go brush your teeth and then meet me back in here.”
XXXXXXXXXX
She did sleep in their bed that night, but moved away whenever Olivia tried to snuggle up to her. The brunette sighed and lay on her back staring at their ceiling, knowing Alex wasn’t any closer to sleep than she was.
“What’s going on Alex?”
Alex kept her back to Olivia and replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Alex, don’t play dumb. Something’s not right and you know it.”
Now she did turn so she was facing her wife.
“Liv…all I know is that right now I am focused on my mother and Cheryl Avery. I am tired, I do not feel well and you aren’t making things any easier on me.” She softened her voice as she continued, “And Liv, I just need to work through all of this on my own, ok?”
Olivia cupped her cheek. “Alex, we’re married; we go through these things together, ok? We are a family sweetie. We’ve gone through everything else together, why not this?”
“She’s my mother Olivia and I botched Cheryl’s case all those years ago. This is my stuff and I don’t want it touching our lives, ok?”
“No Alex, it’s not ok! Your mother is like a mother to me; I love her too. I was there on the Avery case. We all did our jobs Alex! We did our jobs.”
Alex sat up in bed. “She might be ‘like’ a mother to you, but she IS my mother Olivia! Mine, not yours. And now she’s going to die and I’ll be left alone!”
The blonde jumped up and looked at her wife. “I just need to process this Olivia! And I need to be left alone while I do it, ok?”
“Alex…” Before she’d even finished the blonde was out of the bedroom and she could hear the front door slamming shut. She knew Alex was going downstairs to the apartment and was grateful Kathleen was staying in Queens for the week.
She decided she needed to see somebody and to talk about what was happening with Alex. Rolling over, she tried to get some sleep, knowing Alex wouldn’t be coming back to bed that night.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
3 Weeks Later
Alex Cabot swallowed a Vicodin and rubbed her temples, willing her headache to disappear. They had returned full force in the last three weeks and she was now getting fewer than 3 hours of sleep a night. The tension between Olivia and her had not gotten any worse, but had not gotten any better either. Alex did try to make it home for dinner every night, even if she did end up going back to the office most nights. She’d quit working at home to avoid Olivia’s casual drop-ins. Her mother had just finished her first round of chemo and the tumor showed signs of shrinkage.
She had confided in her mother that something was wrong with her, but quickly shuttled the idea of getting any help, citing the usual stresses of job and having a sick parent. Meredith Cabot wanted to argue with her daughter, but she didn’t have the energy and settled on hoping for the best.
That night at dinner, Sydney ate very little and both mother’s were concerned, as the little girl had a ferocious appetite, often out eating her brother.
“Are you ok baby?” The little girl looked up into her Mommy’s eyes and shook her head.
“My tummy hurts.”
Alex glanced at Olivia, who was frowning. The brunette got up from the table and went to get the Emetrol, thinking she was nauseated. Kennedy rolled his eyes and returned to eating.
Olivia carried the little girl upstairs and Alex helped her tuck the little girl in. They sat with her and after discovering she had a fever, they gave her some children’s aspirin. They stayed with her until she fell asleep and then Alex informed Olivia she had to go back to the office.
“Alex! She’s sick!”
The blonde sighed. “I know Liv and I wish I could stay with her, but Jim’s waiting on me. The corporate attorney’s for the drug company are coming in for a meeting in the morning and we have to finalize everything.
Olivia barely contained her disdain at her wife and did roll her eyes at the mention of the drug company. When Alex glared at her she snapped, “Our daughter is sick Alex. She needs both of us!”
“She has an upset stomach Liv. She’s had one before and she’ll have them again. It’ll pass by morning.” Swallowing she continued, “Don’t make me feel worse about this than I already do.”
“Then stay Alex! This damn case has become your obsession! It’s controlling your life! Our lives!”
“This case is important Olivia! You know that!”
“And so is our daughter!”
Alex was enraged. “Don’t you dare Olivia Benson! Don’t you dare! I took care of our children when you had a memory lapse. Now it’s your turn!”
She turned on her heel and stormed out of the house.
Olivia swore and returned to the dining room where Kennedy was looking upset. She ignored his confused look as she sat back down and finished her dinner.
XXXXXXXXX
3 Hours Later
Alex Cabot was still fuming mad at her wife and feeling guilty and angry with herself for leaving a sick child at home. She had taken her frustrations out on several staff members, finally sending everyone but Jim home.
For his part, Jim Steel had just gotten off the phone with Jessica Rossi, who he as trying to patch things up with. Their conversation had ended in yet another fight and he was beyond pissed All he wanted to do was give Cabot the last file and go home.
“Here.”
“What’s this?”
“The financial file on Ebuson.” At her blank look he clarified, “The drug company you plan on trying to fry tomorrow for Cheryl Avery’s death?” When she still looked confused he shook his head. “What the fuck is wrong with you? In less than 12 hours we’re going to try and make a case against these assholes and you’re looking at me like I’m purple!”
“Steel…”
He shoved the file at her and muttered something unflattering at her. As he turned away Alex grabbed him.
“Don’t you turn away from me!”
Shocked and angry that she would grab him, he wheeled on her and grabbed her.
“Don’t you touch me Alex!”
They stared at each other for a full second before he moved forward and grabbing her, he kissed her deeply. To his surprise she kissed him back and soon they were fumbling with each other’s clothing, her glasses went flying, his shirt buttons and tie being flung off.
With a swipe of his hand, he shoved everything off her desk and slammed her down on it. She was grabbing at his belt and soon he was exposed and shoving her legs apart.
He settled on top of her.
XXXXXXXXXX
Meanwhile
“Damn!” Olivia Benson had tried to reach her wife on her office phone, but it was busy. Sydney had awoken an hour ago, crying and calling for her mother’s. Olivia found the little girl burning up with fever and abdominal pain. She’d dropped Kennedy off at Jenny and Serena’s and rushed her daughter to the hospital.
The little girl had appendicitis and was being prepped for surgery. Olivia desperately wanted Alex there with her. She franticly dialed her wife’s cell phone, hoping she would answer.
XXXXXXXXXX
She felt the tip of Jim Steel’s dick about to enter her and suddenly she realized what was about to happen. Before he could get completely inside her, she began pushing at him and telling him to stop.
“Wha’?”
“Stop Jim…we can’t. I can’t.”
Before he could reply, her cell phone rang. By the ringer she knew it was Olivia and feeling guilty, she shoved him off of her and after finding the phone, she answered.
“Liv?”
“Alex, Sydney ’s in the hospital. She’s having her appendix removed.”
“Oh my God. Children’s?” Not waiting for an answer she finished with, “I’m on my way.”
Realizing her shirt had been ripped open and was un-wearable, she swore.
Jim, who’d gotten redressed for the most part while she was taking the phone call, realized something must be up with one of the kids. He went to her office closet and pulled out her spare suit, handing her a fresh shirt.
She refused to look at him, but did say thank you. She groaned when she realized it was a different color than the one she’d worn to work that day. Seeing her dilemma Jim offered her an excuse.
“Tell her you spilled coffee on the other one.” She nodded and turned her back to him so she could dress with some modesty. He also turned his back to her and asked, “Do you want me to drive you?”
“NO!”
“Relax Alex. I’m not going to go in with you and confess that we almost had sex on your desk.”
She glared at him and then feeling frightened she pleaded, “Jim, we have to forget this ever almost happened, please?”
He nodded. “Deal. I have as much to lose as you.” He shrugged, “Besides, your wife could kick my ass.”
XXXXXXXXXX
Jim had driven her to the hospital and walked her to the ER before leaving.
“They are about to take her down to surgery Alex. I’m glad you got here in time.”
The brunette tried to hug her, but Alex pulled away, disgusted by her earlier actions. They both kissed Sydney and promised to be waiting for her when she came out of surgery. They sat in the waiting room together, holding hands.
Alex felt guilty about her earlier comments and behavior with Jim. Olivia felt guilty as well and both women sat together, yet alone in the ER. About an hour later the doctor came out and told them Sydney was going to be just fine, that they’d gotten her appendix before it ruptured. He also let them know she was going to be in pediatric ccu until morning, just as a precaution. He advised them to go home and catch some sleep or clean-up a bit.
XXXXXXXXX
Benson-Cabot House
Alex went immediately for the shower and scrubbed her skin furiously. As she was cleaning her sex, she realized a patch of hair was matted together with a mix of her and Jim’s juices. Fighting to keep the bile down, she scrubbed and scrubbed until her lower lips were raw.
She finally picked up the razor and began shaving her pussy, hoping to eradicate any traces of her actions.
When she was done, she left the shower and strode into the bedroom naked. Olivia did a double take at her freshly shaven wife.
Alex climbed up on the bed and straddled her wife, she leaned down and kissed her and whispered, “I am so sorry Olivia.” She quickly moved down her wife’s body and nudged her legs apart, needing to taste her wife and assuage her guilt.
Even after Olivia had climaxed, Alex continued to love her until finally the brunette scrambled away. She was breathing hard as she looked at the tear stained face of her wife.
“Alex?”
“I’m sorry Liv.” She clung to her wife and finally gave in and sobbed uncontrollably.
XXXXXXXXX
Olivia was not surprised to find her wife up before the next morning, but she was surprised to find her wife dressed for work.
“Alex?”
“ Sydney won’t be moved into a room until later this morning. I have to take this meeting Olivia. I should be done just about the time she’s being moved.”
Olivia clenched her jaw and bit back a nasty reply.
“Ok.” She kissed Alex on the cheek and then added, “Good luck.”
XXXXXXXXX
Alex, Jim and Nick were waiting in the conference room for the corporate attorney’s for Ebuson to arrive. Alex studiously avoided looking at Jim and was facing the door when the drug company attorney’s arrived. She felt her insides crumble when the second attorney entered the room.
The other woman faltered as well as her eyes locked with Alex’s.
“And this is….”
Alex finished for him. “Lise Conley.”
Everyone in the room seemed a bit surprised, but the other woman, a striking African American simply smiled at her former lover and shook her hand.
XXXXXXXXX
Alex managed to stay focused during their meeting, but she had to work very, very hard to do that. She avoided looking at both Jim as Lise as much as possible, but sometimes she was forced to acknowledge one or the other. She was also vaguely aware that she was keeping her left hand out of view.
She glanced at her watch and realized it was getting close to the time Sydney should be moved into a room. She scribbled a note to Jim on the legal pad and then rose to leave. She nodded goodbye to all the attorneys and hurried out the door. She had instructed her assistant to find a stuffed bear and the latest Dora the Explorer dvd for her to take to Sydney.
She was inspecting the items her assistant had bought when she heard a throat clear behind her. She looked back, already knowing whom she would see.
“Lise.”
“Alexandra Cabot as I live and breath.” She gave the attorney the once over and smiled. “You look better than law school.”
Alex didn’t acknowledge her remark, opting to go on the defense instead. “What do you want Lise?”
The dark skinned woman eased into Alex’s office and picked up the teddy bear. “Who’s this for?”
Alex snatched the bear from her and frowned at her old lover. “What. Do. You. Want?”
Lise caught her left hand and looked surprised. “Married?” She shook her head. “And here I thought you were full on lesbian.”
Alex didn’t say anything. She simply looked at the woman before her and side stepped her as she grabbed her coat and Sydney’s gifts. “Get out of my office. Now.”
It wasn’t until she was in the safety of her own car and heading for the hospital that she questioned why she hadn’t correct Lise about her marriage. That thought preoccupied her mind the rest of the way to Children’s and as she rode the elevator up to the room the volunteer had told her was Sydney’s.
She found the little girl looking peeked and tiny in her bed and Olivia wasn’t in the room with her. Alex smiled for her daughter who squealed, “Mommy!”
“Hey baby. How are you feeling?”
“My tummy hurts and I got staples in my side!”
“Maybe this will help.” She handed her daughter the bear and DVD and watched as the little girl’s face lit up.
“Dora!”
“Baby, where’s Mom-O?”
“Right here Alex. I had to have a cup of real coffee so I went down to the StarBucks here in the hospital.”
“They have a StarBucks in the hospital?” Alex shook her head. She looked her wife over and once again felt the guilt of her actions the night before.
Olivia offered her a sip of coffee before settling into one of the chairs in the room. “How’d it go?”
Alex sort of rolled her shoulders and shrugged. “It was…it was…unsettling.” She had debated with herself about telling Olivia about Lise. And then she’d berated herself for even considering not telling her wife.
“How so?” Olivia was concerned about the way Alex had admitted this.
Alex glanced at Sydney who was trying to stay awake and signaled Olivia with her eyes to wait until their daughter was asleep. She settled on the edge of the bed and stroked Sydney’s face, smiling as the girl bore into her touch. Within a few minutes she was asleep and both women sat content to just watch her sleep.
“I know one of the attorney’s for Ebuson.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
Olivia waited for Alex to tell her but when she didn’t, she tried to prompt her. “How? Law school?”
Alex felt herself tearing up and cursed herself. “Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“It’s Lise.”
“Lise? Lise who?”
“Lise as in my first woman lover, three-way Lise, Lise I fucked a man to get back at…Lise.”
“Oh.” Olivia was trying to process this bit of information and why Alex seemed so upset about it. “So, how is she?”
Alex turned to face Olivia and scowled at her. “How the Hell should I know? It’s not like I stayed to chat with her!”
“Hey, don’t get snippy with me! So she’s an old lover, big deal!”
Alex felt her anger rising. “Big deal? Do you go out and grab a beer with Brian Cassidy?”
“Jesus Christ Alex! Calm down.”
Alex was about to say something back when a tiny voice stopped them both; “Mommy? Mom-O? Why you talkin’ so loud?”
Both women looked at each other and then their child. “Mommy’s sorry baby. She’s just tired and scared for you and sad and she’s taking it out on Mom-O.” She kissed her little girl’s forehead and rubbed her cheek. “Are you ok? Do you need anything?” The little girl was already drifting back off to sleep and Alex looked over at Olivia.
“Alex?”
“I’m sorry Liv. I…I’m just stressed.” She got up and went over to her wife and kissed her. As she did she had a flashback to the night before and to Jim Steel kissing her. She abruptly pulled back, earning a scowl from Olivia.
“What Alex?”
The blonde shook her head and smiled at her wife. “Head pain.” She patted her hand. “Why don’t you go and pick up Kennedy. Take him home and do something fun with him?”
Olivia looked confused. “Alex, it’s a school day.”
“Oh, yeah. God I must really be out of it. Why don’t you go home and get some rest. Come back in time for dinner with our littlest princess?”
Olivia gave her a halfhearted nod and left the hospital. She didn’t go home though. She was no thoroughly worried about her wife and made a beeline for George Huang’s office.
Alex settled back in a chair and pulled out the notes she’d taken during the meeting that morning.
XXXXXXXXXXX
“George, I’m really, really concerned about her.”
The small man nodded. “After everything you’ve told me, it sounds like she is in a major depression Liv. I can’t diagnose her without seeing her again, but she has a lot of the classic symptoms. Loss of sex drive, disinterest in family and daily life, the headaches, though those could be something more. And you said you think she quit taking the anti-depressants I gave her?” Olivia nodded. “If she stopped cold turkey she could be even further in the throes of depression. Can you get her to come see me?”
“I’ll try George, but she’s not been very receptive to my suggestions recently. All we seem to end up doing is fighting.”
XXXXXXXXXX
Alex had gotten Sydney to eat some lunch and they had watched her Dora DVD. She was now snuggled up to her new bear and sound asleep. Alex rarely found anything pleasurable these days, but watching her daughter sleep was one of her greatest pleasures.
“Alexandra?”
At the sound of the voice, that voice, she jerked her head up to meet Lise Conley’s eyes.
“What are you doing here?” She was now standing and trying to move the woman out of her daughter’s room.
“Your assistant told me you were here with your daughter? You have a child?” She was looking at Sydney. “Is she adopted because she doesn’t look at all like you?”
Alex felt her face flush with anger and stepped into the other woman’s personal space. “She’s my daughter. Now please leave.”
A slow smile made it’s way to Lise Conley’s lips. She’d forgotten how sexy an angry Alexandra Cabot looked. Her eyes flitted between Alex’s eyes and her lips. Before she could think better of it, she leaned in and kissed the blonde. Alex, stunned at first, stood frozen, but as Lise’s tongue begged for entry into her mouth, she finally gave in and opened, allowing the other woman free access to her.
The first thought that registered with Alex wasn’t the wrong-ness of what she was doing, but the taste of this woman, her first love. Alex decided that’s what she tasted like; first love. The second thought that entered her mind was that she was kissing her old lover in her daughter’s hospital room which quickly brought about the third thing she thought of and that was her wife and son and how she was betraying her family twice within 24 hours.
She quickly broke the kiss and shoved the other woman away. Her chest was heaving and Lise was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. Alex quickly looked to see that her daughter was awake, and offered up a prayer to God that she was still asleep. Both women stood looking at each other; one was amused and a bit arrogant, the other looked terrified and utterly lost.
“Alex?”
The sound of her wife’s voice brought both women out of the moment and Alex felt herself flush for an entirely different reason.
“Liv.” Her voice sounded weak to her own ears and when she didn’t move to introduce Lise, the woman stuck her hand out.
“Lise Conley and you are?”
Olivia instantly didn’t like this woman who obviously still had an effect on her wife.
“Det. Olivia Benson.” She waited a second and then finished with, “Alex’s wife.” She watched as the woman took it in stride and kept her face neutral, but her eyes registered surprise for just the briefest of moments.
Olivia walked over to Alex and kissed her wife, hard, on the lips. She then looked at Lise and spoke. “You’re Alex’s old lover.” She took Alex’s hand and smiled at her. “How’s Sydney?”
Alex was unable to speak, so she just nodded.
Olivia turned her attention back to Lise and smiled. “If you’ll excuse us, they’re serving dinner in a few minutes and we’d like to have some family time alone, ok?”
Lise simply gave Olivia a cocky smile and bid farewell. As she made her way down the hall, she almost laughed, but growing sober she shook her head. Alex Cabot was her one big mistake. More to the point, letting Alex Cabot go was her one big mistake. And she decided right then and there to take back what she considered hers.
XXXXXXXXX
3 Days Later
Alex was helping Sydney take a sponge bath and Olivia was in the backyard with Kennedy practicing their kicks. Sydney had been home for two days and was fairing well, in fact she was basically to the ‘milking it’ stage of recovery.
Alex had managed to put the entire debacle with Jim Steel out of her mind and had deftly avoided any further contact with Lise Conley after that day in the hospital. She had also avoided all of Olivia’s attempts at intimacy, citing a headache each time. Truth be told, she was having severe headaches, but she also knew her reluctance to sleep with Olivia was born of guilt as much as anything else.
She had kept herself busy tending to first Sydney and then to her mother whom she had insisted come and stay with them a few days while she had more tests done. To Alex, her mother looked frail and fragile and suddenly weak. Looking at her mother became a source of pain for her.
“There you baby. All clean!”
Sydney looked down at her belly button which is where they went in to remove her appendix and frowned.
“It’s ugly Mommy!”
Alex smiled at her and then kissed her cheek. “It’ll heal baby.” She helped her dry off and then dress in her pj’s. After making sure she brushed her teeth, Alex tucked her daughter in and went in search of her son and wife.
“Kennedy, Olivia, bath time!”
Her son turned and made a face at her and Olivia laughed.
“Come on Co-Counsel, time to wash up.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
After the kids were in bed and Alex’s mother had retired for the night, Olivia decided to broach the topic of Alex’s mental health.
“Sweetie I think you should consider getting some help.”
Alex walked out of the bathroom naked, toothbrush in her hand. “For what?”
Olivia, who was distracted by the sight of her naked wife faltered briefly before replying. “Uh…all of this.”
“All of this? What ‘this’?”
Olivia licked her lips. “Uh, you know, all the stuff that’s happened in the last six months. Sam, Cheryl, your mom, the new job, the insomnia, those headaches.”
Alex shook her head. “I’m fine Olivia. This will pass.”
“I don’t think you’re ‘fine’ Alex. I think you need to see somebody. And I’m worried about your headaches.” She reached for her wife, who willingly complied. “I’m worried for you sweetie.”
Alex settled against her and nodded. “I know you are Liv.” She sighed. “I guess I am too, but this will pass Liv.” She played with her wife’s hair. “I have thought about going and talking to Fr. Rick. What do you think?”
“The priest?” Olivia thought about it and decided he was better than nothing, though why Alex would choose their sometimes priest was another matter all together. “Can’t hurt. Any particular reason why you want to talk to a priest and not a therapist?”
Alex avoided eye contact with Olivia. “Mom.”
“Oh sweetie.” She kissed Alex’s head, then her cheeks and finally her lips. She tried to deepen the kiss, but Alex pulled away. She gave Olivia and apologetic smile and turned on her side.
“Hold me?”
“Always.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
1 Week later
“Alex, Lise Conley is on line two. Again.”
Alex swore under her breath and instead of putting the woman off for the umpteenth time, she punched line two and answered, “Cabot.”
“And here I thought you were avoiding me Cabot. Now that I have you on the phone, you need to agree to have lunch with me today.”
Alex groaned. “Why would I do that?”
“You want justice for that pseudo girl, right?”
Her tone angered Alex. “Cheryl, her name was Cheryl. Are you wanting me to make a deal?”
“Cheryl, right. Anyway, yes, Ebuson is willing to talk. So, meet me for lunch at that little café around the corner from the courthouse?”
Alex checked her calendar and realized she was supposed to meet Olivia for lunch. Deciding she wanted to get this entire thing over with so Lise Conley could crawl back under whatever rock she came from.
“Fine. I’ll meet you there at noon.”
She made a quick call to Olivia and then dove back into her paperwork until time for lunch. Her assistant buzzed her just before noon to remind her.
“I know, I know.”
XXXXXXXXX
Nate’s
Alex found her former lover sitting in the back, facing the door. She waved her over.
“Alexandra. Thank you for meeting me.”
Alex sat down and stared at the woman before her. She was still as beautiful as ever and Alex remembered why she’d fallen for the woman all those years ago. She couldn’t help but look at her hands, remember how those long, lean fingers had once caressed her body and brought her great pleasure.
Alex caught herself staring and jerked here eyes up, only to find Lise smirking at her.
“Remembering?”
“How you fucked our law professor and then begged me to join you?”
“Touche.” She looked down at Alex’s hands and then back at her, smiling as she did so. “But Alexandra, I never begged you for anything. Remember?” She raised an eye brow.
“What did you want to talk about?”
Wanting to get business out of the way, the other attorney took out a file folder and started going over the case with Alex. They worked for half an hour, eating as they went. Alex heard the jingle of the bell on the door and ignored it until she saw the smile that graced Lise’s face. She knew that smile and turned to find her wife and her partner staring at them.
“Det. Benson. Fancy meeting you here.”
Olivia looked at her as if she were trying to place her name. She finally snapped her fingers and said, “Oh yeah, Lise isn’t it?” She walked over and gave Alex a kiss on the lips. “You girls enjoying your working lunch?” She’d put a little too much emphasis on the word working.
“Just trying to come to an agreement Liv.” She smiled at her wife. “Are you and Elliot having lunch or did you track me down needing something?” She was secretly hoping they needed her.
“Just lunch sweetie.” She again kissed her wife. “Are you still going to pick Kennedy up from school?” Alex nodded and Olivia shot Lise a cold smile. “Ok, well, we ordered for take-out so we’ll be on our way now.”
Lise watched the brunette walk away and openly admired the woman.
“I have to hand it to you Alexandra; you know how to pick them. She’s one fine piece of ass.”
“Don’t be crass.” She pointed at a paper Lise had and motioned for her to hand it over.
“Is Kennedy your other child?”
“He’s our son.”
“I see. How old?”
Another half hour and Alex had ended up telling Lise all about Sydney and Kennedy and even Clarence and Eleanor. She told her all about her wedding to Olivia and finally she told her about her mother and her health.
“I’m sorry. I know how close you are to her.” Alex managed a nod and then grabbed her head. “What? What’s wrong?”
Alex shook her head. “My head just hurts. I’ve been having headaches. It’ll pass.”
“Why don’t we wrap this up for today?”
“I think that’s a good plan.”
As they were about to leave, Alex took out her pill bottle and swore when she realized it was empty.
“What?”
“My meds for my headaches, I’m out.”
“You’re taking pain meds for your headaches? Wow, they must be pretty severe.”
Alex grimaced and managed to nod.
“You know, I have some samples back in my hotel room from Ebuson. I could share them with you if you want?”
“They give you samples you just carry around with you?”
“Relax counselor. Nothing harder than prescription pain meds and then only a couple of pills at a time. One of the corporate perks. We also get all of our prescription drugs free as long as Ebuson is the maker. So, do you want any of not?”
Alex checked her bottle and realized she was out of refills. She also realized that Tylenol just wasn’t going to cut it pain wise.
“Ok.”
Lise was staying at the Plaza and Alex smiled at the memory of Jane and Diesel as they rode the elevator up to the other woman’s room. Lise caught her smiling and wondered what had brought out the most radiant of Cabot smiles.
“Something you’d like to share?”
“Not with you.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“So that woman was Alex’s ex, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Hate to say it Liv, but she’s gorgeous.”
She gave him a sideways glance. “Yes, she is.”
“Didn’t ever consider Alex would date a black person though.”
Olivia scowled. “That’s racist Elliot.”
“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it, just that I never considered she’d date a non-white.”
“You went out with a black woman when you and Kathy were split, remember?”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying….never mind.” He checked the mirror and then changed lanes. “So, you run a check on her yet?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you kissed Alex twice, on the lips, during working hours?”
Olivia blew the comment off. “Hate to tell you this but we’ve actually had sex at work before.”
“Her office. I know, we all know.”
“And the crib and the bathroom and in Petrovsky’s courtroom.”
He had to swerve to avoid hitting a car.
“Damn. Anywhere else you want to share?” She shook her head. “Anyway…you don’t normally kiss hr like that during working hours…in public. This woman got you all worked up?”
She let the denial die on her lips and settled for the truth. “Yeah. I don’t like her and I don’t like the effect she still has on Alex. Besides, Alex isn’t in the best of shape right now Elliot. Something’s wrong with her.”
“She been to a doctor?”
“Yes.” Olivia shook her head and then looked at him. “She’s so withdrawn Elliot; especially since Sydney ’s appendectomy. And we’re not…physical like we used to be.”
“She gonna talk to somebody?”
Olivia gave him a faint smile. “Yes. She wants to talk to Fr. Rick.”
XXXXXXXXXX
Lise gave Alex the pills and made her sit down, citing concern for her safety after taking a new drug. She watched as the blonde rubbed at her neck and winced. She went behind Alex’s chair and stood while she began massaging the blonde’s neck.
“Oh God Lise, I forgot how good you are at this.”
“Good at a lot of things Alexandra, but then you already know that.”
“Lise…”
“Sorry.” She dug her knuckle into an ultra sensitive area and Alex gasped.
Alex felt herself get wet as the hands made a methodical journey up and down her neck. She flashed back to other, more intimate times with Lise and let out a sigh.
“Why don’t you come lie down Alex?”
“I…I shouldn’t.”
Lise got right next to her ear and purred, “Haven’t you been having a hard time sleeping?” Alex managed to nod. “Are you as relaxed as you’ve been in recent weeks?” Again she nodded. “Then why not capitalize on the fact that I have a big bed and you are about to fall asleep?”
After Lise had tucked her in, she called Alex’s office for her and told her assistant Alex wasn’t feeling well and would be out the rest of the day. Then she turned and watched the woman asleep in her bed. And then she grinned.
The first thing she heard was her cell phone ringing. She was disoriented and trying figure out where she was when a dark hand thrust the phone at her.
“…Hello?”
“Alex? Alex where are you? It’s after 4 and the school just called to tell me Kennedy still hadn’t been picked up. Your assistant said you’d taken the rest of the day off? You were sick?”
“Shit! I’m on my way Liv!”
“Sweetie, calm down; Kathleen is already on her way. But where are you?”
Alex tried to think who might be at their brownstone and realizing nobody should be there, she quickly answered, “Home. I just fell asleep.”
Alex shot Lise a nasty look and quickly ended the call realizing she would have to hurry to beat Kathleen back to the brownstone.
As she was about to slip out the door, Lise stepped in front of her. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“For what?”
Lise smirked. “Cheryl Avery?”
Alex nodded and hurried out the door.
XXXXXXXXXX
3 Weeks Later
Alex Cabot was out of control and had no idea how to stop her spiral. After forgetting to pick Kennedy up, she’d berated herself to the point Olivia thought she was about to start wearing a hair-shirt. The brunette had repeatedly tried to assure her wife that she was not a terrible parent, to no avail.
She and Alex had been intimate exactly twice in the last month, and then only for Alex to service Olivia. She always feigned a headache, which she did actually have more times than not. Her guilt over Jim and Sydney and Kennedy kept her from enjoying sex.
She had started seeing Fr. Rick three times a week and those sessions usually ended with her in tears, having said very little. Her headaches would come and go and the only time she found relief and was able to sleep was when she’d slip away to meet Lise, who was now living in a corporate apartment in New Jersey .
Their relationship was not sexual and even though she didn’t like to acknowledge it, a little voice in her head always added the word ‘yet’ to the end of that thought. Alex would take the afternoon off and slip into Jersey and Lise’s king size bed. Her old lover would massage her neck, give her a muscle relaxer and then put her to bed.
Alex was aware that each time she saw the woman; it went a little further until she was now lying naked except for her panties on her belly with Lise straddling her legs.
Lise had not overtly tried to take it further, but Alex knew her well enough to know it was just a matter of time. After all, this was how it started all those years ago.
She was vaguely aware of the woman easing off her and she was too relaxed and tired to protest when she spooned Alex from behind. She only gave a mild protest when long, lean fingers began playing with her nipples.
“…please don’t.”
In response, Lise Conley kissed Alex’s shoulder and let her hand rest on Alex’s stomach.
3 Hours later
Alex awoke to the feeling of a body behind her. Momentarily disoriented she relaxed back against the body until she realized it didn’t feel like Olivia. Looking down, she saw a hand that obviously didn’t belong to Olivia. She jerked away and turned to see dark eyes, not Olivia’s, looking at her.
“Sleep well?”
Alex seemed to realize she was giving Lise a good view of her breasts because she hurriedly covered them up.
“What are you doing in bed with me?”
“Sleeping.”
“Lise…this…whatever this is, we can’t keep doing it. I’m married, I have two children and I love my wife.”
Lise cocked her head. “I believe you love her Alex and I know you love those kids, but honey, something’s wrong in your marriage or you wouldn’t be here with me, letting me rub all over you.”
Alex began dressing and talking. “The only problem in my marriage is me. I’m just…out of sorts. My mother’s ill.” She shrugged as she slipped her shoes on. “I’m not a cheater Lise. I’m not.”
“Who said anything about cheating Alex? We’re just two old friends, former lovers, helping each other out. You know my hands always knew how to caress your body just the right way.”
“Stop. Just stop Lise! I can’t do this anymore.”
She quickly left the apartment and after she was gone, Lise Conley smiled at the ceiling.
“You just need a little help Alexandra.”
XXXXXXXXX
Alex checked her cell for messages and was relieved when she found none. She made a quick call and asked to speak to Fr. Rick who agreed to see her as soon as she could get there.
“Alex, what’s wrong? You sounded distraught on the phone.”
Alex was fighting back tears. “I’m…I’m…Fr. Rick my life is a mess. My mother is ill and about to start her second round of chemo, I’m failing as a mother and a wife and now I’m actually fantasizing about having sex with another woman!”
Fr. Rick nodded slowly, considered his words and then spoke. “The fantasies, is there another woman or is it just a fantasy woman?” Alex averted her eyes and blushed. “I see. Have you been intimate with this woman before?”
“A long time ago, before Olivia.”
He nodded. “I see. This woman, she is currently in your life?” Again Alex nodded. “Is there a reason for her to be in your life or have you willingly sought her out?”
“It’s a case Fr. Rick.”
“I see. And things are not well between you and Olivia?”
Alex sighed. “I don’t know Fr. Rick. She’s the same old Olivia but I’m not the same Alex. I don’t recognize the person looking back at me. And I feel so guilty about what almost happened with Jim.” She now had tears streaming down her face.
“Alex, you need to see someone professionally. You have suffered numerous traumas recently and you must cut off any contact that isn’t necessary with this other woman. You are vulnerable.”
XXXXXXXXXX
Alex found Olivia fixing dinner when she got home and kissed her wife harder than she had in a long time. She took her wife’s face in her hands and continued kissing her, letting her hands roam down to her pants. She slipped her hand down into Olivia’s jeans and began stroking her wife.
“Alex?”
“Shhh. I want you and then I want you to fuck me.”
“Alex, what about the kids? They’re just outside!”
Alex was already lowering to her knees and taking Olivia’s pants with her. Olivia was nervously looking out the window into the backyard and down at Alex who was now nipping at her.
“Damn! You better hurry Alex!”
XXXXXXXXX
That night Alex invited Olivia into the shower and as she’d done before, she turned her ass up to Olivia and asked to be tongue fucked. Olivia was just happy that her wife seemed to be back to her old self.
Afterwards, they made twice more and Alex snuggled into Olivia’s side and began to softly cry.
“Alex?”
“I’ll try to be a better wife and mother Liv, I promise.”
XXXXXXXXX
2 Weeks Later
Meredith Cabot sat with her daughter in the waiting room. Alex was fidgeting and aimlessly flipping through ancient magazines, trying not to look at her mother who was now wearing a turban because she had lost all of her hair.
“Peanut?”
“Sorry Mom.” She put the magazine down.
“Peanut, look at me.” When she had her daughter’s attention she gave her a knowing smile. “Talk to me.”
“About what?”
“About whatever it is that’s keeping you up at night, and don’t say it’s my cancer.”
“Well that’s part of it!”
“And the rest?” When Alex didn’t say anything she prompted her. “Then let’s talk about Lise Conley.”
Alex’s head snapped around and her mouth fell open. “How did you know….”
“Your wife is very worried about you and after that woman resurfaced Olivia asked me about her.”
“What did she ask?”
Meredith shrugged. “I told her you had brought her home for break once, but that’s all I knew.” Her mother took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “What’s going on Peanut? Have you done something you shouldn’t have?”
Alex wanted to laugh at her mother. She was asking her the question like she was a teenager in high school who got caught with her boyfriend.
“Not…no, not really.”
“Alex…?”
“I’m not cheating Mom.”
“But you’ve come close?”
“Mom….”
“Mrs. Cabot? The doctor will see you now.”
XXXXXXXXXXXX
DA’s Office
Alex was studiously ignoring Lise and Lise was tracking Alex’s every movement with her eyes. Alex wanted to get this case over and done with so she could put Lise Conley back into her memory. She was so engrossed in trying not to acknowledge Lise that she missed something important and found herself agreeing to whatever had just been said.
“Great, so we’ll see you next week in Albany.”
“What?”
Jim Steel looked at her and raised an eyebrow. Out of the side of his mouth he whispered, “Are you ok?”
Lise grinned at her. “Albany? You just agreed to meet us in Albany to meet our CEO.”
Alex struggled to regain her composure. “Of course. Yes. We’ll see you there.”
As they were filing out of the conference room, Alex grabbed Jim. “So you’ll go for me, right Jim?”
He looked at her as if she were crazy. “Alex, I just told you and all of Ebuson that I’ve got court next week. You’re the only one that’s free!” He leaned in and looked at her. “Are you ok?”
She rubbed her head. “I’m fine Jim. I’ll go.”
She found Lise waiting for her in the office.
“How about lunch Alexandra?”
“My name is Alex and I don’t have time for lunch.” She again rubbed her head and winced.
“Head hurt?”
“Yes.”
Lise got up and began massaging Alex’s neck, drawing a sigh from the blonde.
“How about we head over to the corporate apartment and I take care of this for you?”
Alex wanted to say no but the truth was her head hurt so badly she just wanted relief. She managed to nod and told her assistant she was leaving for the day. She made Lise leave separate from her and tamped down her inner voice that raised the question why she was sneaking around.
Once inside the apartment, Alex stripped down to her thong and took her place on the bed. She had her eyes closed and was aware when Lise climbed on top of her. She was startled when she realized the other woman was naked.
“Lise? What are you doing?”
“I wanted to be comfortable.”
“And that required taking your clothes off?”
She didn’t answer Alex, opting to rub warm oil into her tense muscles, drawing moans from the blonde.
“Tell me about these headaches Alex. I’m worried.”
She told her how they’d started shortly after her assignment as Bureau Chief and gotten worse with first Sam Cavanaugh and then Cheryl Avery and how she was depressed all the time and was tired of feeling down and lost and she even went into her lost sex drive. And then she felt embarrassed because she’d told so much to a woman who was not her friend or wife.
“Shhh. Don’t fret Alex. I’ll help you.”
Alex drifted off to sleep feeling more relaxed than she had in a very long time. She awoke a while later and to Lise looking down at her. She felt her stomach tighten and her eyes flicked between Lise’s eyes and mouth. Without thinking, she brought the other woman’s head down and began kissing her. She eventually pushed the other woman away and rolled out of bed, aware of her nakedness. She dressed without speaking and left without looking back at her former lover.
XXXXXXXX
That night
“Liv? Can you come to Albany with me for a couple of days next week. Next Tuesday and Wednesday?”
“Oh…no Alex, I can’t why? Why are you going to Albany?”
She took a deep breath. “The Avery case. We’re meeting with the CEO.”
“Oh. Who’s ‘we’?”
“Uh, well, actually just me and of course the Ebuson attorney’s.”
“Lise gonna be there?”
Alex swallowed hard. “She lives in Albany.”
“I see. Well, are you ok with that?”
“I…I guess I am. I just thought it might be nice for us to get away.” She went to her wife and kissed her. “Maybe re-connect.”
Olivia kissed her back and hugged her wife who seemed to have lost even more weight. “Maybe I can come up on Wednesday? We could spend the night?” Alex nodded against her and then clung to her wife. “Let’s go to bed sweetie.”
Alex pulled Olivia’s arm tightly around her and silently cried. She also prayed that God would give her the strength to resist Lise. Olivia knew her wife was crying and yet she had no clue how to help her. She simply held her tighter and sent up her own silent prayer.
Alex spent the next week buried in work and trying to avoid Lise. She was loathe to acknowledge her renewed attraction to the woman, but she was even less inclined to acknowledge the current state of her life.
Albany, NY
Alex was listening to Lise and the other Ebuson attorney’s spoke with the CEO. She was surprised the morning had passed as quickly as it did. She actually found herself smiling as progress was made on getting hormone drugs for inmates like Cheryl so they could be house in female jails.
They ended the day at 4 and Alex gave Olivia a call, excited by the progress they’d made. She then spoke to the kids and told Olivia she would see her tomorrow. She hung up and found Lise watching her.
“What?”
She shrugged. “Happiest I’ve seen you since this started.” She pinched Alex’s arm. “Looks good on you. Let’s go eat.”
They ate at an Italian restaurant and had several glasses of wine. They reminisced about their first year of law school and eventually the conversation turned to their break-up.
“Why’d you do it Lise? Why’d you ask me to take part in…in…that?”
The dark skinned woman shrugged and then looked away. “Honestly Alex, I don’t know. I was pretty messed up back then. I knew within days that I’d messed up the best thing I’d ever had in my life. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you Alex.”
Alex watched her and decided the woman was sincere. Midway through dinner Alex’s head began to hurt and she grimaced.
“Headache?”
Alex nodded. “Oh God these hurt. I’d like to have a day that is pain free. I’d like to be happy and carefree like I used to be.”
“Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Back to my place. I may be able to help you.” They walked out of the restaurant and Lise took her hand briefly. “Have you checked in yet?” Alex shook her head. “Then stay with me.”
XXXXXXXXX
Lise gave her a scotch and poured herself one as well. She disappeared into another room, leaving Alex in the living room. When she returned, she smiled and sat down next to Alex.
“Do you really want to escape your pain, even if for a little while?”
“Yes!” She looked at Lise. “Why?”
Lise placed two pills in Alex’s hand.
“What are these?”
“Hmm. A cross between GHB and Ecstacy. Sort of the best of both drugs. Euphoria, open communication, greater feelings of touch…sexual response. The hope is that it can be used in psychotherapy. The one thing we haven’t been able to work out is the memory loss. Some people, most actually, suffer memory loss of the 12-24 hours after they take it.”
Alex looked at them and considered what Lise had said. “Memory loss? How bad?” The other woman shrugged. “Is this safe?”
“Well…it’s not FDA approved, but we’re working on it.” She studied Alex. “Alex, there is a high sexual component to the drug. Not everybody, but most.”
“Meaning?”
“If you take it, you are going to want to have sex.” She held Alex’s gaze. “So if you take one of those tonight, chances are you’re going to want to have sex in about 20 minutes…”
Alex nodded and stood up. She went into Lise’s bathroom and washed her face. She picked the pills up and rolled them in her hands. She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. She wanted the pain to stop, consequences be damned. Before she could talk herself out of it, she downed one of the pills.
She went to Lise in the living room and knelt before her. “I took one.” She handed the other one to Lise. “Now you take one.”
Lise smiled at her and downed the pill with her drink. “Just like E, it works better with alcohol so drink up.”
“I just want the pain to stop.”
XXXXXXXXXXX
Hours Later
Alex awoke in a tangle of limbs, in sweat soaked sheets and the air was heavy. She groaned as she disentangled herself from the body next to her and stumbled into the bathroom. Her face was streaked with what she thought were tears and she was thirsty. She vaguely remembered taking a pill and a search of Lise’s medicine cabinet yielded the bottle in question. She nodded and put it back where it belonged. Her next chore was to examine her body, but she didn’t find any marks, not that she was really able to look in all the bright light. She wasn’t sore anywhere except her jaw and her skin was unblemished. As she made her way out of the bathroom, she tripped over a harness.
She leaned against the doorframe trying to catch her breath. Her fumbling had awakened Lise who was now sitting up in bed, in the dark.
“Come back to bed Alex.”
“No. I need to go…somewhere.”
“Alex…” She watched as the blonde hurriedly threw on her clothing and gathered her things. “Alex it’s not safe to drive yet.”
Alex finally looked at her. “I don’t care.”
It was almost daybreak as she got on the road and after stopping to load up on bottled water and coffee, she hit the road for New York City. She kept her mind numb by focusing on driving and nothing else. A few times flashes of memories tried to intrude, but she pushed them away.
It was just after 9am when she rolled into the city and instead of going home, she went to see Fr. Rick. He was taking confession, so she had to wait her turn. While she waited she called Olivia and told her she was coming back that day and not to head up to Albany. She told her she wasn’t feeling well. Finally it was her turn and she went in. She didn’t care that she wasn’t Catholic. She needed to talk to someone.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“What sin have you committed?”
She bit her lip and tried to keep her tears at bay. “I think…I think I’ve committed adultery Father.”
FINI
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