TITLE: Damn Your Love, Damn Your Lies
RATING: MA
SUMMARY: Alex Cabot spends her days helping victims, what happens when
the tables are turned?
DISCLAIMER: Nope, didn't create them.
PAIRING: A/O
TIME SPAN: I guess Loss never happened or else we are in an alternate universe.

Alex Cabot sat at the bar knocking back her third scotch in less than
an hour. She was oblivious to the apprising looks she received from
both males and females, lost in thought as she was. Sitting the empty
glass down, she motioned the bar tender over.

"I'd like another Todd." Raising an eyebrow at her, he shook his head.

"I'm cutting you off Alex."

Throwing some bills down, she made her way out of the bar and into the
night. She managed to hail a cab and was only vaguely surprised when
she gave the address for an apartment that was not her own. She took
the time to her destination to try and figure out exactly what she was
going to do when she arrived.

Paying the cabbie, she stood in front of the darkened building and
felt the flase courage the alcohol had given her, start to fade.
Staring up at the window, she made a decision. Taking a deep breath,
she approached the door of the building and smiled at the man who was
leaving, as she slipped in past him.

Taking the elevator up to the fourth floor, she stood in front of
apartment 3G, and expelling a deep breath, she knocked on the door.
After a few minutes with no answer, she knocked again. Finally hearing
movement inside, she waited for the door to pen.

"Alex. Are you ok?"

Olivia took in her disheveled appearance and reached out to the ADA,
pulling her inside.

"I'm sorry if I woke you." She finally managed to look at Olivia and
took a moment to admire the Detective in her silk robe. Momentarily
speechless, she looked at Olivia.

"Alex, what's wrong? I know today's verdict in the Alvarez case was
tough on you….."

Alex interrupted her by placing her hands on Olivia's arms. "I'm
not….today's verdict…..I need to tell you something." Olivia leaned in
and sniffed.

"Have you been drinking?" Frustrated, Alex stepped forward and ran her
hands from Olivia's arms to her shoulders.

"Liv, I….I"

"Liv? Who's at the damn door?"

Both women looked in the direction of the voice, which belonged to a
solid looking man with short blond hair and blue eyes.

"Ah, Frank, this is Alex Cabot, a work colleague."

Alex's mouth fell open as she looked between Olivia and Frank.
Embarrassed, she stammered, "Y-Y-You have company. I-I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have come." Turning, she ran from Olivia's apartment.

"Alex!" Olivia started after her, but was stopped by a hand around her arm.

"Come back to bed Liv." Jerking away from Frank, she made it to the
door in time to see the stairwell door shut.

"Damn!" Turning back, she saw Frank standing in the doorway in his boxers.

"Come back to bed babe. She'll be fine." She motioned for him to go
back into the bedroom.

Picking up the phone she called Alex and left a message on her
machine. "Alex, it's Olivia. I'm not sure what's going on, but please
let me know if you need anything." Going back into the bedroom and
crawling under the covers, she turned her back to Frank.

She lay awake for a long time trying to make sense out of Alex's
sudden appearance at her door and what, if anything, it might mean.
Seeing Alex's face as the sun came up, she waited for Frank to get out
of the shower.

"Morning Babe." He tried to kiss her, but she moved away from him. "Babe?"

"Frank, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Take your
stuff with you when you leave."

Opening the door to her apartment, Alex Cabot made it to her bedroom
before she collapsed atop the bed, fully clothed.

Way to go Cabot. You went over to her apartment to do what? Declare
your undying love? To an obviously straight woman. Great. After all
Cabot, you're just a 'work colleague.'

She awoke hung over and fully clothed atop her bed. When she got ready
to leave her apartment that morning, she noticed a flashing red light
on her answering machine and hit play. Olivia's voice filled the
silence. She started to erase the message, but couldn't bring herself
to do it.

She made it to work an hour late and headed straight for court, where
she lost a motion to suppress. Her mood darkened further when she
realized she'd have to make an appearance in the bullpen to inform the
detectives she'd lost.

"Morning Liv. You like hell. Good night last night?"

"Bite me Stabler." She made her way to the coffee pot, and poured
herself a cup. She spent the rest of the morning ignoring everyone and
thinking about Alex Cabot. She was pulled from her thoughts by the
familiar click-clack of heels. She made eye contact with the blonde,
who quickly looked away.

"Detectives, I lost the motion to suppress on the Wilson case. I'm
sorry. See what else you can find evidence wise.

She turned to leave, but Olivia's voice stopped her. "Alex? Could I
see you for a minute?" She hesitated before saying yes. Olivia took
her by the elbow and led her into the interrogation room. "What's
going on Alex?"

Laughing nervously she responded, "Could we just forget about last
night? Yesterday was a tough day and I had a bit too much to drink
last night. I'm fine. Really."

Olivia took both of her hands in her own and forced the younger woman
to look at her. In a soft voice she said, "If there's anything you'd
like to talk about, I'm here, ok?" She nodded and turned to leave.

Getting to the door, she stopped and without turning around, she said,
"Thanks Olivia, and please give my apologies to…..Frank for
interrupting last night." She hurried out the door, leaving a very
confused Olivia behind.

"You look awful Alex." The blonde looked over her glasses at the other woman.

"Is that your professional opinion, Dr. Olivet?"

"Does it need to be?"

Laying her fork down, Alex looked away and then back. "I went to see
Olivia last night."
"And?"

"She wasn't alone." Elizabeth nodded.

"I'm sorry Alex."

"It was a man."

"So she's seeing a man."

Placing her napkin on the plate, she began, "Once again I've fallen
for a straight woman."

"Alex, sexuality isn't always cut and dried. If you believe you've
been getting signals from Olivia, then you probably have. Many women
bounce between the sexes, or choose to take a road more traveled. This
doesn't mean your gaydar is broken. Besides, a lot of women have
relationships with men before realizing what their preference is."

Alex began shaking her head. "I-I've never had a relationship with a man."

Surprised, Elizabeth looked at Alex. "Never?" Alex shook her head. "No
high school boyfriends?"

"My high school crush was on Johnnie Manning. She never knew I
existed. That lasted four years until the summer after we graduated. I
volunteered at a summer camp, and another volunteer began flirting
with me. The night of the big "camp out," she ended up in my sleeping
bag, and a lot of heavy petting later, I had my first non-Alex induced
orgasm. The next morning she acted like nothing had happened and two
days later, I was left licking my wounds." Alex shrugged.

"College?"

"I didn't have time for girls or boys. In my last semester of law
school, I had a girlfriend and that lasted throughout the summer until
right before the bar exam. Then I had to buckle down and that was
that."

"You don't find men attractive at all?"

Alex paused before answering. "That's not true. I find them
attractive. Sex with them just never occurs to me." The women shared a
laugh.

"You've never considered a relationship with a man?"

Alex shrugged again. "I've never met one who intrigued me enough, I suppose."

Teasing her friend, she continued, "Aren't you just the least bit curious?"

Alex blushed as she admitted, "I do wonder what Detective Stabler
would be like in bed. All that pent up emotion. And he does have a
nice ass." Her face fell.

"But he's not Olivia?" Alex nodded. "So what are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm not going to sit around and moon over her." But I can't
stand the thought of being with a woman who's not her.

"You could always try a man!" Alex smiled.

Alex arrived for her friends book signing and was about to pour
herself a glass of punch when a hand stopped her. "Allow me." She
looked up into warm brown eyes and smiled.

"Thank you."

She noticed when the man smiled back at her that he had dimples and
perfect white teeth. "Are you a friend of Sheldon's?" Alex nodded.

"Undergrad. You?"

"I handle some of his investments. I'm a commodities broker. He never
said anything about having a friend as pretty as you."

Alex blushed and looked away. "Thank you. I'm Alex Cabot."

Shaking her hand he introduced himself. "Chris Jenkins."

2 Hours Later

"Oh gosh, look at the time. The signing is almost over and I haven't
seen Sheldon yet. It's been a pleasure talking to you." And she meant
it.

"Would you like to go to dinner?"

Alex hesitated. "On a date?"

"Yes. On a date." He laughed.

Banishing thoughts of Olivia from her mind, she accepted. It was only
after she got home that she questioned why.

Their dinner was nice and she enjoyed talking to him. One date turned
into two and then three and soon they were seeing each other more
nights than not. Alex knew he wanted more from her, but she wasn't
sure she wanted a physical relationship with him. Or any man.

3 Weeks Later

"Detectives, thank you for the hard work on the Wilson case. He pled
out this morning." Stuffing her papers back into her briefcase, she
hurried out of the squad room.

Looking after her, Elliot asked, "What's going on with Cabot? We've
hardly seen her these last few weeks."

Joining the group Fin added, "Yeah, it's like we got cooties or
somethin'. She doesn't spend a moment longer here than she has to.
What's up with that?" Both men turned and looked at Olivia.

"What?"

"She talks to you more than she talks to any of us. Maybe you should
talk to her?"

Joining the mix, Munch added, "She hasn't really been the same since
she lost the Alvarez case. In fact, I have it on good authority that
she got drunk that night."

"She wasn't drunk." Three sets of eyes turned in Olivia's direction.
"She doesn't get drunk. Come on, it's Cabot we're talking about here.
An occasional drink yes, but drunk, no."

"All I know is that Todd at Maloney's said he had to cut her off that night."

Glaring at Munch and his description of Cabot, Olivia said, "I'll talk
to her after work."

At the knock on her door, she called out, "Come in." Seeing Olivia
both surprised and excited her until she remembered Frank.

"Detective. Did you need something?"

Stung by the coldness in the ADA's voice, she said, "Just checking in.
We haven't seen you around much these last few weeks. And after that
night in my apartment." She shrugged and Alex gave her a look letting
her know that was not a topic for discussion.

"The law stops for no one Olivia. I've been busy." Glancing at her
watch, she continued, "If you'll excuse me, I have a date tonight."
Olivia's breath caught as Alex stood up to reveal a short black dress
with a plunging neck line.

"You look nice Alex." She ducked her head in an attempt to hide the
blush Olivia's words had caused.

"Thank you. I'll see you and the squad around, ok?"

"Sure." Getting to the door, she asked without turning around, "How
long have the two of you been dating?"

"A few weeks." She watched Olivia's head move forward in acknowledgement.

Unsettled by Alex's admission, Olivia opted to go to Maloney's for a
few drinks instead of home to her empty apartment, while Alex was
trying to brace herself for the date ahead.

Pasting a smile on her face, she made her way over to the table where
her date was seated. The dark haired, dark eyed man stood and pulled
out her chair for her, before kissing her on the cheek.

"Alexandra."

"Chris."

After ordering dinner, she tried to follow the conversation, but her
mind kept drifting back to Olivia and their conversation.

"Alexandra?"

"I'm sorry. Yes?"
Smiling at her he said, "I've been asking you the same question for
the last few minutes. Is everything ok?"

"It's work. I have a really big case coming up and it's unsettling
me." See, lying is easy.

"How do you do that job? Deal with those people and cases? It all
seems so depraved."

Bristling at his words, she answered, "Someone has to help the
victims. I like to think I make a difference in the world."

Giving her a placating smile, he said, "Of course you do. Let's move
on to happier topics, shall we?"

Dinner passed slowly with Chris talking about how many trades he made
that day and what the market looked like it was going to do, and how
she should let him help her invest. She wanted to tell him she had a
broker, someone with far more experience and skill than him, but she
kept her thoughts to herself and tried not to think about Olivia.

She hadn't wanted to have him up to her apartment, but he'd insisted
and she'd finally given in. As they sat on her couch having a
nightcap, he pulled her in closer to him and kissed her. She tried to
relax into the kiss, but the more she tried, the harder it became. She
finally got up from the couch, and went to look out her window.

"I'm sorry Chris. It's just….work." She felt his arms slide around her
waist and pull her back into him. She could feel his erection pushing
into her.

"I could help you relax." She tried to smile as she turned in his arms
to face him.

"I'm sure you could Chris, but I'm just not ready for that." Leaning
in, she kissed him on the cheek.

"I understand and I respect that. I respect you." Breaking their
embrace, he bid her good night.

As she lay in bed that night, her thoughts wondered. Why am I doing
this? I'm not straight. But I do enjoy talking to him and spending
some time with him. Maybe I'm just lonely. I love Olivia, but she's
straight and probably doing Fireman Frank right now.

"Benson, you look rough. Bad night? Good night?"

Making her way to the coffee pot, she poured herself a cup and sat
down at her desk. "I had one too many at Maloney's last night."

Munch continued his needling. "Did you get a chance to talk to Cabot?"

She frowned as she remembered her conversation with the blonde. "Yeah,
I did. Seems our ADA is dating."

Munch looked wounded, Elliot was surprised, and Fin replied, "How long
this been goin' on?"

Taking a drink of her coffee, she answered, "Couple of weeks."

"Let's go track down a suspect Liv."

Alex sat in her office working on some legal briefs when a knock on
the door startled her. "Come in."

"Delivery for Alexandra Cabot."

Looking at the roses, she took the card out and read it.
"Alexandra-Looking forward to getting closer to you-Chris." Smiling,
she picked up the phone to call him, but was put through to voice
mail. She left a message and hung up. Taking one of the roses out of
the vase, she sniffed it and ran the bud through her fingers. Sometime
later there was another knock on her door. And when it opened, she saw
Olivia Benson.

Olivia started in, but stopped when she saw the roses. "Wow. You must
be doing something right Counselor." Alex smiled at Olivia.

"Can I do something for you Detective?"

Olivai shook her head as she moved into a seat in front of Alex's
desk. "Just thought I'd stop by. See if you wanted to….." She was cut
off by the ringing of Alex's phone.

"Cabot." Smiling, she continued, "Chris, hi. Yes, I got them." Alex
fingered the roses. "Tonight? I'd like that." Hanging up, she looked
at Olivia. "You were saying something Olivia?"

"No." They stared at each other for a few minutes. "Things getting
serious between you two?"

Caught off guard, Alex shrugged. "That remains to be seen."

"I'll get out of your way then so you can get done and get out on
time." Olivia made her way to the door and stopped before turning the
door knob. Alex watched her leave and a little more of her heart
broke.

She'd asked Chris to come up to her apartment after their date. As
they sat on the couch, she allowed him to kiss her. She was surprised
when an image of Olivia floated through her mind. The more she thought
of Olivia, the more she relaxed in to the kiss and even began to enjoy
it and respond. When a tiny moan escaped her mouth, Chris chuckled.

"What?"

"I was beginning to think there was something wrong with my kissing
skills until just now. I should send you flowers more often."

She smiled before replying, "I have an early day tomorrow. Maybe you should go."

Slipping beneath the covers, she thought about her day. More
specifically her visit with Olivia. As she thought of the brunette,
she began stroking herself. The more she thought of Olivia the harder
she stroked until she brought herself to climax.

Way to go Cabot. Best orgasm you've had in a while and it's to
thoughts of an unattainable straight woman.

"You ok Liv?"

"I'm fine."

"You ready to talk about it?" She continued to look straight ahead as
he wove the car through mid-town traffic. "I'm your partner. Talk to
me."

"What?"

"You've not been the same since the Alvarez verdict and more
specifically since Cabot started dating. I know you have a thing for
her. It's not like you've never dated a woman before."

Ticking off a list of reasons why he was wrong, she began, "Cabot is
not gay or even curious, so it's a moot point. Until recently, I was
dating Frank, so I could not have been carrying a torch for Cabot." In
a quiet voice she finished, "Besides, he seems to be making her
happy." That's more than I can do.

Elliot quickly touched her hand. "I'm sorry." She looked out the
window at the city as it passed them by.


3 Days Later

"Benson. Frank, hi." She listened as he rambled on before accepting
his invitation for drinks at Maloney's after work.

Alex and Chris had been having dinner with a Time and Jennifer, couple
he knew, when Tim suggested they have an Irish Coffee at Maloney's.
Upon entering the bar, Alex immediately spotted Olivia. Her face fell
when she realized Olivia was there with Frank, and he was putting his
arms around the detective. Her Detective.

"Alexandra, come on." Looking up at Chris, she managed a smile. After
placing their orders, Alex sat quietly while Chris, Tim and Jennifer
shared an animated conversation. She tried not to stare at Olivia and
she tried to keep her thoughts from straying to the brunette. However,
her curiosity got the better of her, and she glanced in their
direction. She watched as Frank drew Olivia into a kiss. She watched
as Olivia returned the kiss with fervor, and she watched as Olivia ran
her hands down his chest. And she watched as Olivia laughed at
something Frank had said. She even watched Olivia whisper in Frank's
ear and as they left the bar, hands all over each other.

Looking down into her coffee mug as if it held the answers to all of
her questions, she made a decision. Looking at Chris, she slid her
hand under the table and gave his thigh a squeeze. Getting his
attention, she gave him a radiant smile and cocked her head to the
side, signaling her desire to go.

During the cab ride back to her apartment, she tried not to think of
Olivia and what was about to happen. Her only thought was that for
once in her life, she was doing something normal. Something all of her
childhood girlfriends had done.

She was quiet for the elevator ride up to her apartment and didn't
speak again until they were inside.

"Care for a drink?" Chris advanced on her and pulled her in for a
kiss. She tried to put the thought of Olivia out of her mind, but as
he kissed her, Olivia's face was in her mind.

"I really need a drink Chris." Pulling away she asked, "Can I get you
one as well?" Reluctantly he nodded. She returned with two Scotch on
the Rocks. As they finished their drinks, Chris moved closer to her
and cupped the back of her head. Pulling her into a kiss, he fingered
her breast.

"I want you." He began flicking open the buttons of her blouse,
exposing porcelain skin. "You are beautiful." Keeping her eyes closed,
she kept seeing Olivia's face. When Chris tried to lay her back on the
couch, she stopped him.

"Not here." He gave a nod and offered her his hand. Pulling the front
of her shirt together, she led him into the bedroom. "Chris, I don't
have a lot of experience……" He smiled at her admission and hugged her.

"Good. I like that you haven't been with half the world."

"What I mean is, I want to change into something…for you." He nodded.
Finding what she was looking for, she went into the bathroom to
change. Standing in front of the mirror, she looked at herself wearing
the camisole she'd foolishly bought with Olivia in mind. Taking a deep
breath, she emerged from the bathroom, and found Chris waiting for her
in the bed.

Throwing back the covers, she eased into the bed, but not before
catching a glimpse of his naked form. She tried to push everything but
what was about to happen from her mind, by shutting her eyes. She
could feel hands on her, stroking and teasing. She felt lips on her
lips, her neck and on the fabric of her camisole.

She felt a body settle between her legs and instinctively she ran her
fingers through short hair. Lost in her fantasy, she imagined it was
Olivia's hair. She felt someone taking her hand and drawing it down,
bringing it into contact with rigid flesh. Startled, her eyes flew
open.

"Tell me how good that feels." She could feel wetness on her palm, as
she tried to yank her hand away. "It's ok baby. No need to be
nervous." She felt his erection brushing her thigh, and she began
trying to get out from in under him.

"Chris, wait." His mouth descended upon hers, as his hands found the
straps of her camisole. Breaking free of his mouth, she tried again.
"Chris, stop. Please."

Smiling at her he took both of her hands in one of his and held them
above her head. Alex was beginning to panic, and was becoming more
vocal.

"Stop! Chris stop!"

"You're just scared baby. I know I'm bigger than most guys, but it'll
be ok. I promise."

As Chris tried to push forward, Alex began kicking at him as best she
could with her heels. "No! Chris NO!" She could feel his hands on her
inner thighs, pushing them apart. Feeling intense pain, she screamed
out, "Help! Help me live!" She landed a solid blow with the heel of
her right foot to his kidney.

"You little tease! You fucking little prick tease!" Lifting himself
off of her, he backhanded her, twice. Screaming in pain, he took his
left hand and clawed at her neck, digging his thumb and fingers into
her delicate flesh. Alex slapped at him and managed to scratch him,
drawing some blood.

Rolling out of her bed, he quickly threw on his clothes and hobbled
out of the apartment.

Alex lay in shock for several minutes, unsure of what to do. Think
Cabot. What do I need to do? Call the police. Report this.

Finally snapping out of it, she rolled over to her bedside phone, and
dialed 9-1-1.

"9-1-1. What's your emergency?" Alex was silent for a minutes. "Hello?
9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"This is ADA Alex Cabot. I need to report an attempted rape and
assault. Please send the Special Victims Unit."


Olivia Benson was awakened by her ringing cell phone. Struggling out
from under the arm wrapped around her waist, she answered. "Benson."

"Olivia, it's Elliot. We've got a call."

Groaning she replied, "I'm not on call Elliot. Get Munch." She was
about to hang-up when his next words stopped her.

"Liv, it's Cabot." Now fully awake, she sat up and gripped her cell
phone tighter.

"Was she, is she….."

"Liv, just get down to Bellevue."

Alex Cabot sat on the exam table wearing a paper gown that was too
short and thin, in a room that was too cold, waiting to have a rape
kit performed. Looking around the room, she caught her reflection in
the chrome on the paper towel dispenser. Seeing the distorted, ugly
mess that was her face, she quickly looked away, trying to stop her
bodies shivering.

"Alex?" Looking up, she saw Olivia and quickly looked away. Olivia
made her way to Alex and started to touch her face, but Alex jerked
away.

"I haven't been examined yet. I want this totally by the book." Olivia
nodded. Alex would never admit it, but the thought of Olivia seeing
her so broken and bloody made her feel helpless.

The nurse came in and began doing fingernail scrapings, trying to make
Alex comfortable with her small talk. Alex tried to ignore the woman
and concentrated on not feeling like she was being catalogued and
studied.

When the nurse finished, the doctor came in to examine her.

"Miss Cabot, I'm Dr. Kincaid. Would you please lie back and scoot all
the way forward."

Doing as she was told, she allowed Olivia to take her hand.

"We'll need to photograph your injuries." She stared aimlessly at the
ceiling as the doctor photographed the area between her thighs, and
the heel of her right foot. "We'll photograph your face and neck after
the exam." Olivia felt the slight pressure from Alex's hand as she
said this.

"Miss Cabot, this may be painful and I apologize. I'll be as gentle as
possible." The only sound was the crinkling of paper as Alex nodded.
Olivia faced Alex during the exam to give her some privacy. A shudder
went through her body as the doctor swabbed her inner thighs. Alex
whimpered and squeezed Olivia's hand as the doctor inserted the
speculum.

Olivia brushed the hair off of her forehead and whispered, "It's ok
Alex. You're doing great."

Dr. Kincaid straightened up and frowned. "Miss Cabot?" Alex cast her
eyes in the direction of the doctor. "Prior to tonight, were you
sexually active?" Olivia's spine straightened as she waited for Alex
to answer.
Alex deliberately misunderstood the question.

"Not with this man." The doctor nodded.

Dr. Kincaid finished the exam and finished photographing Alex. She sat
mutely as the doctor droned on about STD's, HIV, and the Morning After
Pill. "Miss Cabot, are you on any form of birth control?" Alex shook
her head.

"He didn't….he didn't get…." The doctor patted her hand.

"Better to be safe than sorry. Do you have any moral objections to
taking the Morning After Pill?" Alex held her hand out and took the
pills without ceremony. She thanked the doctor.

"I don't have any clothes."

"I have a pair of sweats, if you want them. Or I can get you some scrubs."

"I think I'd like the sweats, if it's ok?" Olivia handed her the paper bag.

"I'll wait on you outside, ok?"

She found Elliot waiting for her. "How is she?"

"I think she's in shock. Did the doctor say anything?" Elliot shook his head.

"CSU is still at her apartment. Does she have any place she can stay?"

Releasing a breath she answered, "She can stay with me. Are you gonna
stay with the evidence?"

"Yeah. I'll log it."

Alex stood just outside the door of the exam room waiting for Olivia.
Olivia saw her standing in her sweats, shoeless and with her hair
pulled up into a ponytail. She flinched at the marks and bruises
forming on the delicate alabaster skin of the ADA.

"I don't have any shoes." Olivia nodded.

"I'll see what I can do." She returned shortly with a pair of paper
flip flops. "This is the best I can do."

Alex nodded and looked at Elliot as he approached. "Alex. A set of
uni's are on their way to pick up Chris Jenkins." He ignored the
slight shudder that went through her body at the mention of the man's
name.
"I'm ready to give my statement." Olivia and Elliot shared a look
before Olivia responded.

"You can wait until morning Alex." Alex shook her head.

"I'd like to get this over with. And then I'd like to go home."

"Alex, your apartment is a crime scene. CSU is still there collecting
evidence. Do you have someplace you can stay tonight?"

"She can stay with me." Alex looked at Olivia and gave a tiny nod.


She spent the next two hours giving her statement.

"Had you and Chris Jenkins had a sexual relationship prior to tonight?"

"No."

"Had you and Chris Jenkins been drinking tonight?"

"We stopped by Maloney's with some friend of his to have an Irish Coffee…."

Olivia interrupted, "I was at Maloney's tonight."

Alex refused to look at Olivia. "I know. I saw you and your date. We
also each had a scotch on the rocks at my apartment."

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and began telling her story.
"And you clearly said no?"

"Yes Detective. I said 'no.' I said, 'stop.'" In a quiet voice she
finished, "I even said 'please.'"

Elliot looked away as she said the last part. "I need to know what
happened next Alex."

Looking at a fixed point on the wall, she sat motionless. "Alex," he
gently prodded.

"We began to have sex, but I-I couldn't. He didn't listen. He said,
not to be afraid of his size." She shook her head and for the first
time, she could feel tears threatening.

"He pulled on my undergarments and I kept telling him no. He held my
hands above my head and began to move forward. He forced my legs
apart, and I tried to scratch him. I remembered Olivia once saying a
solid punch to the kidney could do more harm than a solid punch to the
face, so I started trying to kick him. I finally landed one on him and
he became angry. He hit me a couple of times and then his hands were
around my neck. He called me a….prick tease. And then he left."

Olivia touched her hand, causing her to jerk away. "Please don't."

Olivia put her hands in her lap and looked at Alex with such pain,
Alex had to look away.

"Ok Alex. Olivia's going to take you home with her. Is there anybody
you'd like us to call?"

She nodded. "Could you call Dr. Olivet? Let her know what's happened.
And call Serena Southerlyn. She's a good friend."

They drove to Olivia's in silence, with Alex looking out into the night.

"Do you want me to call your mother?" Alex shook her head. "Can I get
you something to eat or drink? Some tea maybe?" Alex nodded.

"Put a splash of liquor in it, ok? And I'd really like to shower."

"Ok. I'll lay something for you to sleep in on the bed. I have a new
package of boxers you can have a pair of."

Stripping, Alex stepped into the shower and turned the water on as hot
as she could get it. She scrubbed her skin until it was raw. And the
water had gone cold. Getting out of the shower and unable to look at
herself in the mirror, she hurried into Olivia's bedroom and changed.
Just as she was finishing up, Olivia knocked on the door with her tea.

"Do you need anything else?"

Alex glanced at the bed that hadn't been slept in and shook her head.
"Sorry I ruined your date." Olivia followed her line of sight and
shook her head. "I think I'd like to go to bed now."

"Oh. Ok. I'll just be right out here on the couch if you need anything."

Looking at the bed and then Olivia, Alex asked, "Would you
mind….sitting in here with me until I go to sleep?"

"Sure. Do you want to take a sleeping pill?" Alex shook her head.
Olivia reached for the lamp, but Alex stopped her.

"Leave them on, ok?"

Olivia pulled her chair over to the edge of the bed and sat watching
Alex. Alex, feeling naked under Olivia's eyes, turned her back to the
Detective.

"Olivia? Thank you."

Olivia awoke to moans coming from Alex. She called out to the blonde
and then gently shook her until she stopped moaning. Olivia felt a
wave of protectiveness over came her for the ADA. She wanted nothing
more than to crawl into the bed with the younger woman and wrap her up
in her arms. Instead, she settled back into the chair and drifted back
off to sleep.

She awoke the next morning as the sun was coming up and quietly left
the bedroom for the kitchen. She put on a pot of coffee and started
fixing breakfast. Sometime later she heard movement coming from her
bedroom and went to check on Alex.

Hearing the noises but being unable to spot the blonde, she moved
further into the bedroom. Catching a glimpse of her in the bathroom
doorway, she saw Alex examining the bruises and scratches that were
newly formed on her body. Alex caught her starring and moved quickly
to cover herself.

"Can you give me a few minutes please?"

Embarrassed, Olivia mumbled, "I'm sorry Alex. I'll be in the living
room." Olivia went to the front door and retrieved the news paper. She
opened it up and felt her stomach fall. She waited for Alex to come
into the living room.

"Alex, maybe you should call your mother."

"No. I don't want to worry her with this. Not until I'm ready." She
caught Olivia's grimace and asked, "What?" The brunette held out the
paper for her to see. She read the headline:
ADA ALEX CABOT TREATED FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT. Sinking into Olivia's
couch, she dialed her mother. "Mom? I'm fine. Really. About a month. I
'm fine! I promise. I stayed with one of the SVU Detectives last
night. Mom, I really need to go."

Hanging up the phone, she asked Olivia to drive her into work. Against
Olivia's better judgment, she agreed. As she pulled the car up to the
front of the building, a horde of reporters descended upon them.

"Hang on. I'll take us into the garage. They can't get in there."
Olivia turned the car around and headed down into the garage. "Are
you ok?" Alex let out a bitter laugh.

"I'm a statistic now Olivia. Just like you." Alex bolted from the car
and took the service elevator up to her floor without waiting for
Olivia. She was just about to make it into the sanctuary that was her
office, but Liz Donnelly stopped her.

"Come with me before the vultures descend."

"Little late for that Liz." Her boss led her into her office and shut the door.

"Sit." Alex did as she was told. Liz tilted her head up and swore. "He
did a number on you. The medical report says the cartilage in the tip
of your nose is broken. Black eyes, contusions and abrasions, and…"

At her hesitation, she said, "And?"

"A partially torn hymen." Alex swallowed hard but didn't look away.
Liz took a seat next to her.

"Who all's seen my medical report?"

"Just me, Branch and the SVU Detectives. Alex, is there anything you'd
like to tell me?"

Alex met her eyes and said, "It seems to me you have all of the
pertinent information, and my sexual history is inadmissible. If
you'll excuse me, I need to change."

"I also have a copy of his statement." Alex faltered. "Care to explain
this to me?" She looked where Liz was pointing.

"Not at this time."

Olivia finally made her way back to the station.

"Liv, come here." Elliot showed her Alex's medical report and showed
her Chris Jenkins' statement. Confused, she shook her head.

"Partially torn hymen? Alex is what, 30?"

"MmmmHmmmm." At his tone, she looked up at him.

"What?"

"Look at this." She looked where he'd highlighted a portion of
Jenkins' statement.

"So?" He covered the last letter and then watched as her face
registered shock and then disbelief. She shook her head.

"Oh come on Olivia! How many people say 'help me live!' during an assault?"

"That's impossible."
"Is it? Didn't you say she came to your apartment right after the
Alvarez verdict? She'd been drinking, said she needed to tell you
something, out walks Frank and she abruptly leaves?"

"You're wrong Elliot. Let's just get Jenkins in here and nail him."

 

2

 

She knocked on Alex's door and waited. After several minutes, she
knocked again, louder and said, "Alex, it's Olivia." When still
received no answer, she began pounding on the door. "Alex, I know
you're in there. Please open up." Finally the door opened just a crack
and Olivia could see Alex peeping around the door at her.

"Alex? Can I come in?" The opened and she entered the apartment. She
was surprised to find Alex dressed in pants and a long sleeved shirt.
She followed Alex in the direction of the bedroom.

"Will you help me get the mattress off the bed?" Looking between Alex
and the mattress, she hesitated when she saw the dark red stain.
Looking down, she nodded.

"I can get this Alex." She started to move the mattress, but Alex stopped her.

"I'm not helpless." Olivia nodded. They turned the mattress, stain
side facing the wall. "They're bringing a new one tomorrow. Any
suggestions on how to clean up fingerprint powder?"

"Alex, why don't we go sit on the couch?" She followed the blonde into
the living room and watched as she lit up a cigarette. "I didn't know
you smoked."

"I don't. Not sense right before the bar exam. Helps calm my nerves."
Olivia nodded and felt a wave of sympathy overcome her for the younger
woman.

Alex brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her
legs, allowing the cigarette to dangle between her fingers. "Did he
layer up?" Olivia nodded. "Figures." Looking at Olivia she asked, "You
saw the medical report?" Again Olivia nodded. She sniffed and took a
long drag on her cigarette. Exhaling, she said, "Any questions
Detective?"

Olivia leaned in and softly said, "Anything you'd like to tell me Counselor?"

"Again, you saw the report." Olivia took her hand.

"Why don't you pack a bag and come stay with me for a few days?"

Stubbing out her cigarette she laughed. "Won't that interfere with
Fireman Frank?"

Caught off guard, Olivia stammered, "How'd you know he's a fireman?"

Alex shrugged. "Does it matter? You were obviously with him when they
called you to come save me." Touching Alex's chin, she tried to turn
her head to her, but she resisted, jerking away.

"Don't. Don't look at me like this. Please. Not you." Olivia saw the
tears in the other woman's eyes.

"Go back a bag Alex. I'm not letting you stay here by yourself."

"Letting me? Since when are you my guardian?"

"Alex…."

"Fireman Frank?" Olivia shook her head.

"Not an issue." Alex left the couch and went into the bedroom where
she began throwing items into an overnight bag. She went into the
bathroom to retrieve her toiletries and simply dumped them in the bag.
As she turned to come back into the bedroom, she was hit with a sense
of déjà vu. Standing in the doorway, she kept seeing herself walking
towards the bed where Chris had been waiting for her. She felt the
bile begin to rise in her throat, but Olivia's voice broke her from
her reverie.

"Alex? Are you ok in here?"

Seeing the brunette's concerned brown eyes, she nodded and hurried out
of the room.

When they arrived at Olivia's, both women were awkward around each
other, neither quite sure of what to do.

"I'll make some space for your things." Alex shook her head.

"No need to go to the trouble. I don't plan on staying that long."

"Stay as long as you like." Forever if you want.

Olivia went into the bedroom and began rearranging things, and putting
away Alex's toiletries. She found Alex in the kitchen looking for a
tea pot. "I'll do that. You go put away your stuff." Alex nodded.

"I need to call my mother and let her know where I am."

"There's an extension in the bedroom."


"My mother insists on coming to see me. I hope it's ok that I gave my
mother your address?"

Olivia nodded. "I'll go to the market and get some groceries when she
gets here. Give you two a little privacy."

As she put the key in the lock, she heard raised voices coming from
her apartment. Easing on in, she could clearly make out what was being
said.

"So it's my fault I was practically raped? I can not believe you are
saying this!"

"Alexandra, calm down! I am not saying you cause this. I am merely
saying you put yourself in a situation you had no intention of going
through with." Olivia stepped up to her bedroom door and opened it.

"What does that mean?"

"Mrs. Cabot, I think you are upsetting Alex and I'm going to have to
ask you to leave." Both Alex and her mother turned to look at Olivia.
Mrs. Cabot looked between Alex and her daughter and shook her head.
Brushing by Olivia, she hurried into the living room. Olivia glanced
at Alex and then went after Mrs. Cabot.

"Mrs. Cabot, I'm sorry." The older woman turned to her and gave a sad smile.

"Detective. Thank you for taking my daughter in. She can be quite
stubborn and I really don't think she should stay at that apartment.
You have the man who did this?" Olivia nodded. "Good. Tell Alex I'll
call her when I get home."

Olivia went back into the bedroom where she found Alex fighting back
tears. "Sweetie, what is it?" Alex shook her head. Olivia sat beside
her and was surprised when Alex reached for her. "Hey, it's ok." She
stroked Alex's back and neck.
"How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough to know she was upsetting you. Do you want to lie down for a while?"

She felt Alex's hair brush against her neck as she shook her head. "I
need to make some calls, ok?"
Surprised, Olivia nodded and left the room. Alex called Elizabeth
Olivet and they spent an hour on the phone talking.

Olivia was in the kitchen fixing food when the door bell rang. She was
surprised to find Serena standing on her doorstep. "Serena, what
brings you here?"

"I'm looking for Alex. Liz thought she might be here when I didn't get
an answer at her apartment. I tried calling but your line is busy. It
has been for the last hour." Olivia nodded.

"She's had some calls to make. Let me go tell her you're here."
Knocking softly on the door, she stuck her head inside and whispered,
"Serena's here." Alex nodded and ended her call.

"Can you send her in?" Olivia waved Serena over and said good bye to
the women. She left the apartment to give them some privacy.

She arrived back home two hours later and was met in the lobby by
Serena. "All done?" Serena nodded.
"How'd it go?"

"It's going to be tough, but I think we'll win."

Olivia looked at her as though she were crazy. "Tough? Have you seen
her?" Serena placed a hand on Olivia's arm.

"He's going to drag her through the mud. He's retained Trevor Langan."
Olivia looked confused.

"Isn't that a conflict of interest? I mean, they dated, right?" Serena
gave her a whimsical look.

"Olivia, Trevor isn't the one who dates women. If you know what I
mean?" She left Olivia speechless and a bit confused. "Oh, by the way,
Elizabeth Olivet is with her now."

Olivia thought about what Serena had said the entire walk up to her
apartment. Still confused and not daring to believe what Serena was
implying, she entered the apartment and began putting away groceries.
After finishing that, she approached her bedroom door and hesitated
when she heard the two women talking.

"Alex you know how much I care about you." She heard the other woman
kiss Alex on the forehead. "I feel somewhat responsible for what
happened. I shouldn't have pushed you." Olivia watched through the
ajar door as Elizabeth tenderly ran her thumb along Alex's jaw.

"I made my own choices Elizabeth. I chose to deny my feelings and put
myself into that situation. What you said had nothing to do with my
decision." Olivia chose that moment to make her presence known by
clearing her throat. The two women broke apart abruptly.

"I need to get going Alex. Call me, any time, if you need something."
Olivia followed her to the door, telling herself it was just to see
her out, but subconsciously knowing she was staking a claim to Alex.

"Detective." Olivia met her gaze.

"Doctor."

"Take care of her Olivia. She means a great deal to me." Olivia gave
her a slight nod and shut the door. Going back to the bedroom, she
found Alex starring at the wall.

"Alex? Do you need anything?"

The blonde laughed. "Nothing you can give me."

Stung, Olivia managed to get out, "You know Alex, I'm on your side.
I'm your friend." Again Alex laughed.

"Friend? I thought I was your work colleague?"

"You know you're more than that." Alex looked at her before nodding.

"I think I'd like to be alone for awhile." Seeing the hurt that
crossed over Olivia's face, she quickly added, "It's just been a busy
day. My mother, Serena and Elizabeth." Olivia nodded and left the
younger woman alone.

She found her asleep, with the lights on, later. Instinctively she
brushed a lock of hair off of her forehead. Unable to resist
temptation, she bent and kissed her temple. Alex moaned. Olivia went
to pull away and Alex mumbled, "Stay." She sat on the edge of the bed
and watched as Alex rolled in her direction and began trying to locate
her with her hand. "Liv?"

"I'm right here."

"Lay with me." Olivia was unable to determine if Alex was awake or
confused by sleep. "Liv…." She slipped out of her jeans and drew back
the covers just far enough for her to slide underneath them. Alex
curled into her and Olivia lay watching her sleep, trying to figure
the ADA out.

She was awakened by Alex's moans and cries as she hung onto Olivia.
"Alex? Alex, wake-up. Come on baby." Alex was holding onto Olivia with
two handfuls of the Detective's t-shirt. She began stroking her back
in an attempt to calm her down.

Slowly, she began to wake up. Brown eyes met blue and held. Slowly,
Olivia moved toward Alex and Alex moved toward Olivia. When their lips
were mere inches apart, and Alex had closed her eyes, the shrilling of
a cell phone broke the mood.

Startled, Olivia jerked away and fumbled for the phone, keeping one
arm around Alex. Flipping the phone open, she barked, "Benson."
Hearing the voice at the other end, she glanced at Alex before
replying. "Frank. I've been busy." Alex moved away from Olivia. "No
Frank. That was a mistake. I told you that already. No. Good luck to
you too." Glancing over at Alex, who had her back to Olivia, she
contemplated her options.

Taking a deep breath, she rolled to Alex and wrapped her arm around
the blonde. "Did you sleep well?" Alex shrugged and tried to break
free of Olivia. "Alex, we almost…."

"Don't. It would have been a mistake."

"Why?" Alex refused to answer.

"Are you involved with Dr. Olivet?"

Alex started to answer no, but thought better of it. "That's none of
your business Olivia. Besides, you should be concerned about Frank."

Pulling on Alex's shoulder, she replied, "I broke up with him the
morning after the night you came to my apartment."

Surprised, Alex turned to face Olivia and gave her, her full attention. "Why?"

Looking directly into blue eyes, she responded, "My interest lie elsewhere."

Averting her eyes, Alex stammered, "You were with him the night…the
night of my…my incident."

Ashamed, Olivia lowered her eyes and said, "Like I told Frank, that
was a mistake." Alex nodded.

"Thank you for bringing me here and helping me."

Olivia touched her face. "I would do anything for you." Breaking the
contact, Alex rolled out of bed.

"I need a cigarette." Olivia watched her dress and pad out of the
bedroom. She heard the door open and then shut and she felt a wave of
sadness before getting up to start dinner.

They ate in silence until Alex blurted out, "I can't give you what you
want Olivia." Surprised, Olivia looked at her.

"What is it you think I want?" Alex flushed.

"I thought…..in the bedroom. I thought you were implying you wanted me."

"And if I was? Why can't you give it to me?"

Alex snorted. "Let's see: 1. You're not gay and I'm nobody's trial
membership, 2. I have an….attempted rape trial to get through, and 3.
I'm not sure I can trust my judgment anymore."

Olivia left her seat and went to Alex. She pulled the younger woman up
and began to lean in.

Alex's eyes grew wide and she stammered, "No. No Liv!" Olivia
continued to close the distance between them and drew Alex into a
kiss. At first Alex relaxed into it, but catching herself, she pushed
away from Olivia and slapped her.

"I said No!" Stunned at what she had just done, Olivia watched her run
into the bedroom and slam the door.

You just fucked up Benson. Big time.

3

Olivia heard the door to her bedroom lock, and she began to pace.
Frustrated, she picked up the phone and called Elliot's cell.

"Stabler."

"Elliot, you're staying in the city tonight, right?"

Elliot groaned. "Yeah. In fact, I'm asleep right now, why?"

"I thought you might want to sleep on my couch?"

Groaning, Elliot rolled off the cot in the crash room and dressed. In
less than an hour he was at Olivia's apartment, and standing in her
kitchen listening to her whispered account of what had happened.

"So, will you stay?"

"Yeah. What about you?"

"I'm going to the station to sleep. Oh, give her this key. She has
something to do tomorrow."

Elliot stretched out as best he could on the couch and fell into a
sound sleep. A scream from the bedroom jarred him awake. Running into
the bedroom, he saw Alex thrashing about.

"Alex? Alex, wake up!" As she began to come around, she started
clawing at Elliot. "Alex! Alex, it's Elliot!" Realizing it was Elliot,
she clutched at him fiercely. "It's ok Alex. It was just a dream.
You're safe."

Catching her breath, Alex managed to get out, "What are you doing
here? Where's Olivia?"

"Olivia called me. She told me what happened and asked me to come stay
with you. She's uh, at the station. In the crash room."

"She left."

"Why don't you put on a robe and join me in the living room."

Elliot handed her a mug of hot cocoa and sat in the chair next to the
couch, giving Alex all the space she needed. They sat in silence
drinking their cocoa. Elliot felt that Alex would talk when she was
ready. When he finished his cocoa, he motioned with his mug to see if
she wanted more. She shook her head. Alex studiously avoided making
eye contact with Elliot.

"Was she ok? I slapped her." In what was becoming a familiar pose,
Alex pulled her knees to her chest and began to rock back and forth.

"Yeah. How about you?" Alex shrugged. "She didn't stop when you asked her to."

"Neither did Chris."

"I know."

Alex's fingers twitched and she looked around for her cigarette's.
Elliot saw what she was looking for and handed her the pack. Shaking
one out, she played with it.

"I need to smoke. Want to come downstairs with me?"

"Just open a window."

Alex looked dubious and Elliot went to open the window opposite the
couch. He motioned her over and stood with her while she lit the
cigarette. He watched her inhale and exhale several times, blowing
perfect rings. Catching his bemused expression, she grinned at him.

"The bar exam was Hell. These are all that got me through."

Elliot took the cancer stick from her and took a drag. "I'm sure you
had the highest score in your class." Alex colored slightly. Elliot
stubbed out the cigarette and stood watching her.

"I guess you're wondering why a thirty year old woman still has a
hymen?" He shrugged. "I'm not a virgin Elliot."

"Alex, it's none of mine or anyone else's business and it doesn't
matter if you are or aren't sexually active. You were violated."

"No. I mean yes. He went further than he should have but he didn't….I
stopped him before he could."

"Alex, you're a victim of violence. Just like all the cases you
prosecute. It's ok."

Alex ignored his comments. "Why did she leave? This is her home. If
she doesn't want to be around me, I could of left."

Elliot rubbed his forehead and wondered how two intelligent women
could be so stupid. "Do you know anything about Olivia's family?" Alex
shook her head.

"I remember her mother passed away right after I started with the
squad. I assumed her father was still alive?" Elliot debated how much,
if anything, he should reveal about Olivia's parentage.

"Her father? She never knew him. If you want to know why she never
knew him, you'll have to ask her. But you should ask her. It may
answer a lot of questions for you." Alex nodded. Elliot took her hand
and led her back to the bedroom. Alex hesitated as he pulled her
toward the bed. Seeing confusion mixed with fear in her eyes, he let
go of her hand and motioned toward the bed. "You need to rest."

Easing beneath the covers, she hesitated again before asking, "Would
you mind sitting with me until I go to sleep?"

Pulling up a chair, he sat down next to the bed. "Will you be ok by
yourself in the morning?" He saw her blonde head bob. "I almost
forgot, she left a key for you. Said you had an errand to run in the
morning."

"Thanks Elliot."

Alex awoke in a panic from a nightmare and was surprised to find it
was light outside. Catching her breath, she sat up and noticed that
her top was soaked with sweat. Looking at the clock, she saw it was
just after 9am. She hurried into the living room and made sure the
door was locked, then she locked the door to the bedroom and finally
in the bathroom, she shut and locked that door.

After hurrying through her shower, she dressed and scooping the key
off the breakfast bar, she went in search of a cab to her apartment.

She waited in her living room, with the portable phone while the
deliverymen brought her new mattress and removed the soiled one. After
they left, she could feel her chest tighten, and she felt dizzy.
Collapsing on her couch, she curled into a ball. When the attack
finally passed, she left the apartment and headed back toward
Olivia's. She spent the afternoon curled on Olivia's sofa watching TV.
As it drew nearer to time for Olivia to come home, Alex moved into the
bedroom and after putting some clothing out for her, she shut and
locked the door.

Olivia entered the apartment with a sense of trepidation. She felt her
apprehension grow as she didn't see the blonde. She tried the bedroom
door and found it locked. Knocking lightly, she called out, "Alex? Are
you ok in there?"

After what seemed like an eternity, Alex answered, "I'm fine."

Olivia waited to see if the door opened and when it didn't, she tried
again. "Do you want any dinner?"

"No thank-you."

Frustrated, Olivia went into the kitchen and began fixing dinner. She
ended up eating alone. Alex didn't make an appearance that night, but
Olivia could see the light coming from under her door. Seeing the
neatly folded clothes on the breakfast bar, she sighed before settling
in on the couch. She drifted into an uneasy sleep.

This went on for the next four days. After sheepishly admitting to
Elliot that she hadn't actually seen Alex in days, she left a note for
the ADA telling her they needed to talk that night.

Alex found the note and realizing she was out of decent clothing, she
decided to try going back to her apartment. She called Elizabeth to
see if she would mind stopping by at some point while she was there.

She entered the apartment and fought against the panic she felt trying
to overtake her. You can do this Ale. You can't let him win.

Taking her time, she worked her way into the bedroom and began sorting
through her clothing. She discarded anything that was clingy or
moderately low cut. She laid aside anything that had long sleeves or
multiple layers. As she was finishing up, she went into the bathroom.
Finding the bottle of perfume she'd worn the night of the attack, she
tossed it into the garbage. In a frenzy, she threw out her almond
scented shampoo, and all of her bath salts and gels.

Turning around, she caught her reflection in the mirror and stopped.
Her black eye was now a shade of greenish yellow, and the swelling in
her nose was gone for the most part, though if you looked closely
enough, you could see it was a tad crooked.

She stood frozen looking at her image, and she began to shake. Alex
could have sworn she'd seen Chris Jenkins in the mirror. Panicked, she
picked up the hair dryer and hurled it at the mirror, sending glass
flying everywhere. She collapsed into a ball on the floor of the
bathroom with her arms covering her head.

Several hours later, Elizabeth Olivet found her that way. Calling to
her softly, she touched Alex, who let out a blood curdling scream.
"It's Elizabeth, Alex. It's Elizabeth!"

Thrashing around, Alex cut herself on some of the glass on the floor.
"Alex stop, you're going to hurt yourself." Slowly, the younger woman
began to come around.

"He was here. Chris was here. I saw him in the mirror." Elizabeth
looked around accessing whether or not anyone had actually been in the
apartment besides herself and Alex.

"Are you sure honey? I had to use the key you left me to get in the
door." Alex looked confused.

"I saw him. I swear!" Elizabeth helped her up and examined the cut on
her hand, trying to staunch the bleeding. Leading Alex over to the
sink, she cleaned and dressed the wound.

"Let's get you back to Olivia's."

"No!"

"Alex, did something happen between you and Olivia?"

Alex refused to look at her as she answered, "I slapped her. After she
kissed me."

"When was this?"

Alex shrugged. "Four or five days ago."

"Have you talked to her about this?"

"No. I haven't seen her since then. I locked myself in her room. She
left me a note this morning saying we needed to talk."

"So why are you here Alex?" Elizabeth was smiling at her.

She felt silly now that she thought about it. "I needed some more clothing."

"Are you angry with Olivia for kissing you?"

"I don't know what I am Elizabeth. I just want to be me again."
Elizabeth didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd never be the
same person again. Instead, she invited the attorney to come home with
her.

Alex suggested they take her car to Elizabeth's house, now that she
lived out in Brooklyn. Grabbing the bag containing her clothing, they
left the apartment.

Elizabeth showed her to the spare bedroom, and Alex hesitated.

"What?"

"It's on the ground floor." Alex was studying her shoes, feeling like a baby.

Understanding what she was getting at, Elizabeth took her bag and
moved upstairs to her room. Alex was impressed with the size of the
room and commented on it.

"My grandfather built this house back in 1946. He believed in large
rooms. He left it to me when he died a couple of months ago." Reaching
out, she turned on the lamp next to the bed. "Alex, would you like for
me to sleep in here tonight?" She caught the alarmed look that crossed
Alex's face. Smiling, she pointed to the over stuffed chair in the
corner. Relaxing, Alex nodded.

She "tucked" Alex in after getting her to eat a small amount of soup,
and settled into the chair, book in hand.

"Elizabeth? Will it ever get better?"

"Not for a while Alex. But eventually, yes."

"How'd you get through it?"

Putting her book down, she answered, "With the help of family and
friends and loved ones. Mike Logan was a big help and of course Sara.
She was remarkable. It wasn't always easy Alex, but once I learned to
let them in and they learned what I did and did not need, it got
better."

Pulling the covers up in under her chin, Alex asked, "How did you and
Sara get through it?"

Putting her book down, Elizabeth went over and sat on the edge of the
bed. "She cares about you Alex. Let her in."

"How come we never went out?"

Pushing the hair back off of Alex's forehead she smiled. "It's never
been our time. First I was with Mike and then we were seeing each
other professionally and now you're heart belongs to Olivia."

Alex didn't even try to hide or deny what she was saying. "I don't
understand how you or Olivia can just bounce back and forth between
men and women."

"Love is love Alex."


"Ready to go have that conversation with a certain ADA partner?"
Olivia had been antsy ever since she'd signed in that morning. She'd
finally confessed to Elliot that she'd left a note for Alex that
morning. Further discussion had revealed her true feelings for Alex.

"I'm going to sign out early and head home."

Olivia entered the apartment and found it oddly quiet. She noticed her
bedroom door was open and the bedside lamp was off. Looking around for
a note, she found none. She checked the answering machine and not
finding a message, she began to pace. She noticed Alex's pack of
cigarette's was still on the coffee table.

Taking a moment to look around, she called Alex's apartment. getting
no answer, she tried her cell, but it went straight to voice mail. She
decided to go to the apartment. Scooping up her keys, she headed for
Alex's.

After knocking on her door and getting no answer for a solid five
minutes, she got the Super to let her in. All of the lights were on.
Moving to the bedroom, she noted the messy array of clothing strewn
across the bed. She didn't become alarmed until she saw the broken
glass and blood in the bathroom.

Yanking out her cell phone, she called for a CSU team and then called Elliot.

"What's going on?" She filled him in on what she'd found. "Liv, how do
you know she didn't just take off?"

"There's blood Elliot. And broken glass. What does that sound like to
you?" He let the silence draw out. "No Elliot. She did not hurt
herself. Do we know where Chris Jenkins is?"

"I'll be there soon. And I'll send a patrol car to check on Jenkins."

Olivia had the Super take her down to the parking garage. Finding
Alex's spot empty, only heightened her anxiety.

"Where do you want to start Liv?"

 

4

They canvassed Alex's building and put out an APB on her car. After
what felt like hours spinning their wheels, a radio call came in
around 5am regarding Alex's car. As Elliot drove out to Brooklyn, he
called for back-up as they'd been unable to locate Chris Jenkins, and
the name on the deed for the home her car was parked in front of was
unfamiliar to any of the SVU squad.

Elliot and Olivia approached the door, guns drawn. Elliot banged on
the door, with Olivia and a small unit of police.

Inside, Elizabeth was startled awake at the noise. Alex had finally
gotten back to sleep after several bad dreams, and she tried to leave
the bedroom as quietly as possible. Slipping on her robe and house
shoes, she headed for the front door, trying to hurry before the
banging could start again.

As she looked out the peep hole, and seeing Elliot, she opened the
door. Elliot and more importantly Olivia, stood surprised as did Dr.
Olivet. Elliot turned to Olivia who sputtered, "Is Alex here?" As if
on cue, Alex appeared at the top of the steps. They're eyes met and
Olivia turned and left the house. Elliot started to go after her, but
Elizabeth stopped him.

"Let me." Elliot turned back to look at Alex, but she was gone.


Outside, Olivia was angrily pacing back and forth next to the police
sedan. Glancing over her shoulder, she spotted Olivet coming toward
her. Olivia turned and placed her hands on the roof of the car.

"Is she ok?"

Stopping just shy of Olivia she answered, "Yes. She had a rough night
and a rough few days actually." Olivia nodded, but didn't turn back
around.

"I'm sorry we disturbed you two. Obviously she's in no danger, so I'll
grab Elliot and we'll be on our way. It's just that I found broken
glass and blood in her apartment and Chris Jenkins is no where to be
found."

"Olivia, I found Alex curled into a ball on the floor of her bathroom
amid a pile of broken glass. She was sure she'd seen Chris Jenkins in
her mirror." Alarmed, Olivia turned to face the doctor.

"He was there?"

"No. But she was convinced he was. The trauma of what happened to her
combined with what happened between the two of you is causing her to
have flash backs and hallucinations. That's normal."

"I know forcing myself on her didn't help. I don't know why I, of all
people, didn't stop." Olivia shook her head. "Are you two involved?"

With a sad smile she replied, "No, we're not."

"Were you involved?" Elizabeth shook her head. "But you'd like to be?"

"When I first met Alex, I was seeing Mike Logan. Then our relationship
became professional. And now her heart belongs to you."

Olivia shook her head. "I screwed up. I started seeing Frank, I was
with him the night she was attacked and then I didn't stop when she
asked me to. Whatever chance we had is gone. I have to accept that.
Right now I just want her to feel safe. I want to protect her. It's
just hard seeing her as a victim. She's Alex!"

Elizabeth looked up at the window and saw Alex watching them. Pulling
on Olivia's arm, she pointed in the direction of the window. Olivia
followed her finger and caught just a glimpse of Alex before she
disappeared.

"She needs you. Not as a lover, but as a friend."


Olivia climbed the stairs to the bedroom slowly and knocked on the door.

"Alex, it's me. May I come in?" Alex's reply was so quiet she almost
didn't hear it. Walking into the room, she saw that Alex was huddled
against the headboard of the bed, arms wrapped around her knees, toes
curled under. Seeing her for the first time in nearly a week, she was
frightened at the sight before her. Alex's hair was oily and dull and
her face looked thinner.

"I think we should talk Alex." The younger woman nodded and Olivia sat
on the edge of the bed, as far away from Alex as possible. "I'm sorry
I kissed you. Forced you. I don't know why I didn't stop when you told
me to." Olivia averted her eyes and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I slapped you."

"You should have hit me. I deserved it. I just don't know why I didn't
stop. Sorry seems so inadequate, but it's all I can say. Must run in
the family." Alex caught the comment and filed it away for future
reference.

"I didn't have the right to slap you. Nobody has the right to hurt
another human being." Olivia started to correct her, but after looking
at Alex, she realized the younger woman wasn't talking about her.

"No Alex, they don't. And nobody has the right to force you to do
something you don't want to do. Including me. I'm sorry." Olivia
looked at Alex with sadness. The blonde was still curled around her
knees and rocking back and forth, rubbing her nose across her forearm.
To Olivia, she looked like a little girl; fragile and vulnerable. She
wanted nothing more than to pull Alex to her and hold her tight and
never let her go. What she did instead was talk.

"Are you going home or are you going to stay here?"

"I can't go back to that apartment!" Olivia's face fell.

"So you're going to stay here?" Alex looked confused.

"I just assumed I'd go back to your apartment. Unless you don't want me to?"

"I'm sorry. I meant home as in my apartment, not yours." Alex nodded.

"I'd like that. I feel safe there. With you."

Olivia smiled at her. "I'm glad. Why don't you stay here and sleep
today? I'll catch up with you later." Taking in her fragile form, she
added, "When was the last time you ate?" Not waiting for an answer,
she added, "Try to eat something, please?"


Elliot dropped her back at Alex's apartment building so she could
pick-up her car. Cragen had ordered her to stay home. Stripping naked,
she collapsed on the couch and pulled the blanket over her. She fell
into a deep sleep for the first time in five days.

Alex saw the police sedan parked in front of Olivia's building and
entered the apartment as quietly as possible. She found Olivia asleep,
with the blanket barely covering her naked form. Weeks ago, Alex would
have delighted in the opportunity to sneak a peek at Olivia's naked
body, now she viewed Olivia with a detached eye. As she was trying to
adjust the blanket so that it covered the detective, Olivia startled
awake. Seeing what Alex was doing, she scrambled to cover herself.

"I'm sorry about that Alex. I didn't expect you home so soon."

Alex smiled. "Soon? It's 4pm."

"Oh. I guess I was more tired than I thought. I need to uh, go dress."
She waited for Alex to move.

"I'll, uh, be in the kitchen. I need to call my mother and I'll start dinner."

By the time Olivia emerged fully dressed in a pair of sweats, Alex was
sitting on the couch, phone in hand.

"I need to go Mom. I love you too." Olivia took a seat where Elliot
had sat two nights ago. Hanging up she looked at Olivia. "I ordered
pizza. I need to go shower."

When Alex emerged from the bathroom, Olivia was paying for the pizza.
She carried the pizza and plates into the living room and sat the
pizza on the coffee table. Flipping the box top open, she was
surprised to find a half veggie half meat lover's pizza with
pineapple.

"How'd you know I like pineapple on my meat?"

"I know a lot about you Olivia. I'm observant."

After finishing dinner, they sat in their respective places watching TV.

'Olivia, what did you mean earlier today about it running in the family?"

"My mother's dead." Alex waited for her to continue. "I never knew my
father." Alex nodded. "My mother was raped. My father was her rapist.
I'm a product of rape and I've always had a fear of being like my
father. Which, given my actions a few nights ago, seems I'm
succeeding." Alex was speechless.

She wanted to reassure Olivia, but couldn't find the words to do so.
As the silence stretched, Alex became more uncomfortable, as did
Olivia. Alex finally excused herself to go to bed and Olivia stretched
out on the couch.

Alex spent the next two days going over case files with Liz and
answering questions regarding her case with Serena.

She had quit locking Olivia's bedroom door and the Detective was able
to choose her own clothing every morning . She tried to be as quiet as
possible and not wake Alex. Alex still woke several times a night and
was often awake when Olivia came in every morning, but she pretended
to be asleep. It quickly became her favorite time of day.

5

 

Olivia arrived home Friday night to an unfamiliar aroma coming from
the kitchen. Sniffing the air, she followed the scent into the kitchen
and found Alex stirring a pot on the stove.

"Alex?" The blonde had her hair pulled back in a ponytail and her glasses on.

"Hi. I'm cooking. I hope you don't mind?" Olivia leaned over the pot
and sniffed. Looking at Alex, she raised an eyebrow. Alex pushed her
glasses up on her nose. "Gumbo. One of the few things I can actually
cook."

"You didn't have to cook Alex. We could have ordered in." She watched
as Alex's face fell slightly. Realizing how that sounded, she added,
"I just don't want you to go to any trouble for me."

"I just wanted to do something nice for you. You've let me stay here.
It's the least I can do."

"Thank you."

XXXXXXX

Olivia showered and sat at the table with Alex. "This is really good
Alex." Alex was pleased with herself.

"Liv?" Olivia looked at her and waited for her to continue. "The
kiss….you're not your father." Olivia didn't acknowledge the comment,
but offered one of her own.

"What you said about my not being gay, that's not entirely true. For
me it's not an either or proposition. It's just about love. If I'm
with someone, really with them, I'm not just passing time until
something better comes along. When I commit, I commit."

Alex looked confused. "What was Frank?" Olivia shrugged.

"A diversion. A warm body."

"You never loved him?" Olivia shook her head. "But you made love with him?"
Olivia put up her hand to halt Alex.

"No. I did not make love with him. I had sex with him. There is a
difference." Alex still looked confused. "At the risk of invading your
privacy, how many people have you….dated."

Defensively, Alex answered, "I'm not a virgin Olivia."

"I didn't say you were or even ask Alex. I'm just saying, not
everybody you go out with, is somebody you fall in love with. Being in
love isn't a pre-requisite for having sex."

"I know that! I may not have a lot of experience, but I'm not stupid."

Olivia sighed. "I know you're not."

Olivia sat her spoon down and wiped her mouth. "I'm not proud of some
of the things I've done relationship wise, but I won't apologize for
easing my loneliness."

They stared at each other awkwardly. "I didn't mean to imply anything
about your character. I've just never had sex with someone I wasn't in
love with." Olivia nodded. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Hmmm?"

"The other day you were sleeping on the couch in the nude. Is that how
you normally sleep?"

Olivia choked on her soup. "Normally. Anything else you'd like to
know?" Alex held her gaze.

"What's it like to make love or have sex with a man?" She could feel
herself blush.

Olivia considered her answer carefully. "Do you mean emotionally or
physically?" Alex shrugged. "Uh, gosh. I suppose with everyone it's
different emotionally. I've only had two emotional relationships with
men, so I may not be the best person to ask."

"Physically?"

Olivia rubbed her forehead. "It's different. It's like there used to
be all this room down there and when you're with a man, it's full. Men
are usually bigger and almost always on top. Almost always. Anyway, it
can be the most secure feeling in the world, or it can be suffocating.
When I'm in love with someone, male or female, it's a wonderful
feeling. They make me feel safe, loved. When it's just sex, it's just
sex. Sometimes it's good and some time's it's just something to ease
the pain or loneliness. Does that make sense?"

Alex nodded. "Can I ask you something Counselor?" Alex nodded again.
"If you've never had sex with someone you weren't in love with, why
were you in bed with Chris Jenkins?" Olivia lowered her voice and
gently asked, "Were you in love with him?"

Alex violently shook her head. "All my life I've been different
Olivia. I've fallen for straight women who never knew I existed. I've
fallen for gay women who didn't want me. Men don't usually ask me out
because….well I don't know why. Maybe I'm too strong willed or maybe
I'm just too cold. Gay women don't ask me out because they don't think
there's any way possible I could be gay." Olivia ducked her head as
she remembered what she'd told Elliot regarding Alex's orientation.
"When I met him, it was easy. And then he asked me out and I agreed to
go. But mainly I went out with him because I wanted to be normal for
once."

"Why did you come to my apartment that night? What did you want to say to me?"

Alex pulled her knees up to her chest and bit her lower lip.
"Truthfully? I came to declare my undying love for you. I was sure
you'd been sending me signals. Have you ever been in love with a woman
Olivia?"

Olivia stumbled to answer the question. "Yes. Twice actually, not
including you."

They cleared the table and did the dishes in absolute quiet.

"I'm going to bed Olivia."

"Sleep tight Alex."

Alex hesitated before crossing the threshold into the bedroom. Without
turning around, she called out, "Olivia? I do love you, but life's
complicated right now. Can we talk about all of this later?"

From the couch she answered, "I'd like that."

6-15 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary’s HH