1.5 Years Post PoM

Alex Cabot was having one hell of a day and she did not need the drama that was currently playing itself out in her life. Her wife had called and let her know that their terrier mutt, Clarence was missing. She and the kids had arrived home to find a pile of dirt and a hole he’d dug under the fence in the backyard.

Pinching the bridge of her nose she tried to ward off the migraine she could feel coming on. It wasn’t working. She was trying to finish up some paperwork so she could join the search party at home, and couldn’t seem to make any progress.

“Hey Al? We might have enough for a warrant on the Baxter case. Can you give it a once over?”

She glared at Jim Steel and not for the first time she cursed her decision to take the promotion to bureau chief.  Had she ever been as green as these attorney’s were? And ever since Jim Steel and Jessica Rossi had broken their engagement, things around the office had been a little more than tense.

All of this added up to a shitty day in the book of Alex Cabot, which is why she bit Jim Steel’s head off and told him to start acting like a senior ADA and make his own damn decisions. Her son and daughter were at home crying over the loss of their family pet and she felt guilty for not being with them. A fact she was trying to rectify.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She found her just turned four year old daughter and almost nine year old son sitting on the steps of their brownstone as she pulled up to their home. Her first thought was that they knew better than to be outside without an adult, but that quickly evaporated when she caught sight of her wife talking to the next door neighbor.

Upon seeing her mother, Sydney began to cry anew and Kennedy was sniffling as his mother took both of them into her arms. Sitting down they both laid their heads on her shoulders and she gave Olivia a sympathetic smile as the brunette joined them.

“Anything?”

“No. I’ve notified all the pounds and vet clinics within a four miles radius and sent photos of Clarence as well as posting flyers in all the usual spots. I stopped by the drug store and put Maria and Frank on alert as well. You know he sometimes goes with us to get our meds and stuff.” She shrugged. “Maybe he’ll stop by.”

Sydney sniffled. “Mommy what if he’s dead?”

Kennedy piped up. “Yeah, what if he got out and got hit by a car and they just scooped him up and we never see him again?”

Olivia gave him a hard look and then tried to comfort him. “Co-Counsel, we don’t know that anything has happened to him. He might just be out exploring his territory.”

“Yeah, and he could just be dead!” With that he ran into the house, and Sydney followed him, fresh tears on her cheeks.

Both women sat on the steps looking at the fading forms of their children.

“I hate to say it Alex, but he could be right.”

Alex gave her wife a terse reply in the negative and proceeded to go into the house where she poured herself a healthy glass of scotch. When Olivia raised an eyebrow at her she simply stared back at her wife.

“I’m sorry Alex. I know you’ve been after me to install the invisible fence. I’m sorry.”

Not quite ready to let her wife off the hook and still angry over the day’s events, Alex simply nodded and retreated upstairs to change clothes. After she’d changed into a pair of leggings and a sweat shirt, she went in search of her children. She found them huddled together on Kennedy’s bed.

“Guys, we’re doing all we can to find him. Mom-O has put flyers up all over the neighborhood and called everybody she can.”

From the doorway Olivia added, “I even put the word out to all patrol cars to be on the lookout for Clarence. We’ll find him. I promise.”

XXXXXXXXX

They had finally gotten the kids down to sleep and were in their bedroom talking about the missing dog. Olivia knew Alex would never blame her for his disappearance, but still, she felt responsible.

“I’ll start installing the invisible fence tomorrow Alex.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little late for that?” she snapped.

“Hey! I said I was sorry Alex. I can’t undo what’s already done so how about cutting me some slack?”

“They love that dog Olivia and so do I. Let’s just hope we find him and he’s safe.” She got into bed and turned out the light. “Are you coming to bed because I could really use my wife’s arms around me right now?”

Perplexed by her wife’s change in attitude, she dutifully climbed into bed and spooned Alex from behind. She wanted to ask her what was going on, but in recent weeks her wife had become very moody and she’d learned that Alex would come to her when she was ready. The blonde had assured her it was just the stress of taking over a badly botched bureau and trying to straighten it out. She was also concerned because Alex was getting headaches at an increasing rate and would often spend most of Saturday’s in bed instead of with the family.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex was up and gone by the time Olivia awoke the next morning. She found a note apologizing for her outburst the night before and asking Olivia to call her as soon as she was up and moving for the day.

Kathleen Stabler, who was now living at least part time in their downstairs apartment, had agreed to stay with the kids the whole day. It was summer vacation, but neither wanted to go to day camp for fear of missing any possible Clarence sighting.

“Thanks Kathleen. Call me if you see or hear anything, ok?”

As she drove into work, she scanned the streets for any sign of a furry tail. Finding none she arrived at the station and found Elliot waiting for her.

“What?”

“A BOLO for a dog? Liv, come on!”

She glared at him. “Stuff it Stabler. If you can use your courtesy card to help one of you kids, I can put a be-on the-lookout for my kids’ dog, ok?”

“Hey, don’t get all bitchy with me!”

She heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry Elliot. I’m just…worried.”

As they were walking out to their sedan he replied, “Liv I know you love that dog, but ya know, in the end he is just a dog.”

“He’s not just a dog Elliot and that’s not the entire reason I’m worried.” She looked down into her coffee mug. “It’s Alex.”

“She still having problems in the new position?” Olivia nodded. “You talk to her about it?”

“Yeah, we talk. I express concern and she tells me not to worry. She’s been getting really bad headaches, has a short temper and snaps at me. I snap back, we argue and then a few days later we have incredible make-up sex.”

“She been to the doctor?”

Olivia shook her head. “She says it’s just stress.”

They were interrupted from further discussion by the ringing of Olivia’s cell phone.

“Olivia it’s Kathleen. I think you better come home. It’s Clarence. I’ve called Alex already. She’s on her way.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Elliot arrived just as Alex was exiting her car. She paused just long enough for Olivia to catch up with her and they hurried up the steps and into the brownstone.

“Kathleen!” Olivia began shouting for her the minute they entered the house. The young woman came into the foyer with a finger to her lips. “What happened? Where is he?” Swallowing hard she asked, “Is he…”


“Shhh. Follow me.” She led them into the den where they found Sydney, Kennedy, Clarence and another dog, as well as a box open on one side with a blanket inside. Both kids were peering into the box and rubbing something.

Alex knelt down and looked inside the box. Olivia was hovering over her shoulder and gasped at the same time as Alex.

“What the hell?”

“Language Olivia.” But Alex was wondering the same thing as she hesitantly touched a tiny, slightly damp, fuzzy puppy. The other dog, a white-ish female growled at her and she quickly deposited the puppy back into the box. The white dog that they soon realized was the mother as she allowed the puppy to nurse looked at Clarence, seemingly for approval of his humans.

He stood and began wagging his tail and barking. He then paced back and forth between his human family and the white dog and her three puppies. He eventually settled into the make shift bedding of the box and lay beside the mother.

“What the hell?” Olivia ignored Alex’s glare and looked at Kathleen.

“We were having breakfast when we heard barking. The kids automatically knew it was Clarence and ran to the back door to let him in. He wouldn’t come in, but kept barking and running toward the hole in the fence. I went out to see what the problem was and found her,” she pointed to the white dog, “trying to come in through the hole. I pulled her through and found blood. I thought I’d hurt her, but then she started digging and barking and yelping. I ran inside to get a towel to clean her with and when I came back out, there was a puppy.” She pointed to one that was solid white. “It was pretty gross. It was all slimy and stuff and I wasn’t sure what to do so I Googled puppies being born.” She shrugged.

Alex looked at her. “And?”

“And that’s when we mobilized and brought her inside and she’s had two more puppies since then.” She pointed to the last one born and announced, “This one looks an awfully lot like Clarence, don’t you think?”

Both Olivia and Alex looked him over and weakly nodded. Clarence sat up and barked, seemingly verifying that yes, he was in deed the father.

“I knew we should have had him neutered!” Alex was glaring at Olivia who had argued against having him fixed, explaining he was never out of their sight, so how could he possibly impregnate another dog?

“He may not be the father Alex! We can’t know for sure. Maybe he’s just a kind hearted dog who is helping a friend in need?”

Alex rolled her eyes and carefully picked up the one that most closely resembled Clarence. She inspected the inside of his back leg and found the exact same unusual mark that Clarence had.

“Proof enough for you?” She looked down at Clarence and scolded him. “You Mr. Clarence are getting your gonads clipped just as soon as possible!”

Kennedy asked his mother, “What are gonads?”
“Yeah Mommy, what’s a g’nad?”

Olivia smirked at her. “Yes Mommy, what are gonads?”

“Olivia…”

A laughing Elliot saved the brunette from further harm.

“Looks like you ladies are grandmothers!”

Seeing the look the two were giving her father, Kathleen warned him. “Dad, I wouldn’t be too cocky. You know Mom’s been talking about getting a pet for Eli.”

Alex smiled a purely evil smile. “Yes Elliot. In fact, we’ll save this one for you.” She turned to Olivia. “Baby, I have to get back to work. Can you see to it that the newest additions to our family are taken care of? Maybe you should take her to the vet and see if she’s chipped or anything, ok?”

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia and the kids arrived back home from the vet to find a voice mail from Alex letting them know she would be working late and not to wait up. She did ask for a call updating her on the newest members of the family. Olivia had settled them in the downstairs apartment with Kathleen and let her know Clarence would be having surgery the next week.

After getting the kids settled into bed and assuring them that Clarence and his family would still be there the next morning, she called her wife.

“Cabot.”

“Hey. How’s it going?”

Alex sighed and took her glasses off. “Not so good Liv.” She glanced at her watch and then said, “I’ll be home in about thirty minutes and then I need to talk to you. Something’s happened.”

Olivia asked her what was wrong but all she got in return was a dial tone. Suddenly awake, she went downstairs to put on a pot of tea, knowing it was one of the few things recently that could put Alex at ease. True to her word, the blonde walked into their home in exactly thirty minutes. She dropped her briefcase and coat and hurried into Olivia’s arms.

“Alex?”

“Shhh. Please just hold me.”

Olivia guided them into the den where she sat on the couch with Alex and held her. When she felt like Alex was ok, she went into the kitchen and came back with a cup of tea, which she handed to Alex.

“You take such good care of me.” Olivia remained quiet, knowing her wife was working up to something. “Something’s happened.” Olivia nodded. Alex glanced at the mantle clock and seeing it was just before midnight she began to cry. “Right about now Sam Cavanaugh’s mother is taking him off life support. He’ll be dead shortly…and it’s his birthday tomorrow. He’ll die on his birthday Liv.”

“Oh sweetie! When did you find this out?”

Alex swiped at her tears. “A couple of months ago Linda Cavanaugh came to visit me and told me she was considering taking Sam off life support. She wasn’t angry with me or anything, she just wanted me to know and she wanted to be the one to tell me.”
Olivia was shocked that Alex would keep something like this from her, but tried to focus on her wife’s pain and not her own hurt. She pulled Alex to her and stroked her hair. “Sweetie, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to believe she’d actually do it. I even went to see her; not to try and talk her out of it, but just to see if she was sure this is what she wanted to do.” Alex drew in a ragged breath and hiccuped. “I’ve even been to see Sam a couple of times. God Liv he looks awful. I mean, he looks the same but he’s so frail looking. And he still looks just like a boy Liv. He looks like I imagine Kennedy may one day look.” She shook her head.

Olivia weighed her words carefully. “Alex…I wish you’d told me this sooner. Honey I could have helped you through this.”

Alex shook her head. “No, I didn’t want to bother you. Things were just beginning to get back to normal for us and I’d taken this new position, and honestly Liv, I just wanted to forget he ever existed.” She raised up and kissed Olivia with force and passion. “Make me forget Liv. Please. Just for a little while, just for tonight, let me live in a world where I never put a 16 year old boy into a coma.”

She raised up on her knees and straddled Olivia’s waist. She was kissing and tearing at the brunette’s clothing, trying to get to her skin as much as possible. Her movements were frantic and wild as she ripped the t-shirt Olivia was wearing. She pulled the older woman down onto the floor with her and began whispering things to her.

“What?”

“Fuck me and don’t hold back Liv. Please.”

“Let’s go upstairs Alex.”

“NO! Right here Liv. Right here on the floor of our home. Use your fingers or your mouth or even the damn dildo, but don'’ be sweet. Not tonight baby. Please.”

Olivia pulled back and looked into Alex’s eyes. They were surprisingly calm compared to the rest of her movements. When she’d waited a bit longer than Alex thought was necessary, the blonde pulled the skin of her neck between her teeth and sucked hard, ensuring a hickey. She then pulled Olivia’s hair and caused her to yelp against the pain. Having the desired effect on her wife, the brunette became angry and roughly entered her wife. Alex hissed against the invasion, but when Olivia tried to pull back, Alex once again bit her.

“Fuck me like a slut and don’t you dare be gentle.”

Olivia gave Alex exactly what she asked for three times that night. The last time had finally taken them to their bed and Alex’s insistence on using a seldom-used large sized dildo. She had refused to let Olivia use any lube and had bit her lip to the point of bruising it as the brunette entered her. Afterwards, she’d escaped into the bathroom to clean up and was not surprised and mildly satisfied that there were spots of blood.

Olivia was sitting up waiting on her when she finally crawled into bed and tried to talk to her.

“Alex…”

“No Liv. Just let me go to sleep and deal with a dead boy when I wake up. Please.”

Alex pulled Olivia close to her back and shivered as she went to sleep. Olivia was completely freaked out by what had just transpired between them and lay awake until dawn just to make sure Alex was still with her. She’d only been asleep for about an hour when the phone rang.

Glancing at a very still Alex she answered, “Benson.”
“Olivia, it’s Kathleen. Have you guys looked out the front this morning?”

Now alert, she was moving toward the window. “No, why?”

“There’s a couple of news crews and reporters on the front stoop. I tried to leave to go to the library and couldn’t get out. They were shouting questions at me about Alex and some person named Sam? Does this make sense?”

Olivia swore under her breath and looked over at her wife. She could tell Alex was awake and simply staring at the wall in front of her.

“Kathleen, can you come upstairs using the back entrance? I don’t want the kids exposed to this.”

“Actually Olivia, why don’t you send them down here and they can be on puppy watch?”

Having completely forgotten about the puppies she smiled. “How are the littlest Cabot’s?”

“I heard that.”

“They’re good. I let both mom and dad out to pee just a little while ago, but you really need to fix the hole in the fence.”

She hung-up with Kathleen and padded over to the bed. “I guess you know what’s waiting for us downstairs, huh?”

She sighed and rolled over so she could easily face Olivia. “I figured as much. Shower with me?”

Alex had made love to Olivia in the shower, but refused her advances. Olivia couldn’t be sure but she thought Alex cried the entire time they showered, including making love to her. Afterwards she dressed, having chosen something appropriately somber for the day and applied minimal make-up.

She’d hugged and kissed the kids and promised to be home in time for dinner that night. She’d tried to persuade Olivia to let her go out alone, but the brunette had taken her hand and walked out the front door with her.

“Misses Cabot! Are you aware that Sam Cavanaugh was removed from life support early this morning and that he died almost immediately?”

“Misses Benson!”

“Mrs. Benson Cabot! Did you know it’s his birthday today?”

“Hey dyke! Is it true you accused Sam Cavanaugh of being gay? Is that why he tried to kill himself?”
 
At the last question Olivia turned and glared at the reporter. She started to say something to the ingrate, but Alex gave her hand a firm squeeze.

“I am deeply saddened by the death of Sam Cavanaugh. I have been in contact with his family in recent weeks and have conveyed my sympathies to them. I will have no further comment at this time.”

Olivia looked up just in time to See Elliot, Munch and Fin waiting on them with two cars. She smiled at Elliot as she ushered Alex into the back of the car. Fin and Munch did crowd control until they could get away from the building.

Alex was stoic in the backseat refusing to look at Elliot or Olivia, opting to watching the other cars whiz by. As they neared the courthouse, another set of news crews was waiting on her and Elliot quickly pulled into the secure garage.

Olivia walked her to the elevators and once they were alone inside them, Alex allowed her to hold her.

“It’ll be ok Alex.”

“I killed him.”

The doors to the elevator opened and Olivia watched as her wife disappeared down the long hallway toward her office.

XXXXXXXXXX

4 Weeks Later

Alex sat silently watching Sydney, Kennedy and Olivia chase the puppies around the backyard. Sydney was trying her best to catch the little girl puppy and try as she might, she couldn’t quite catch her. Olivia and Kennedy laughed at her efforts and Alex managed a smile.

Olivia left the kids and puppies to come sit next to Alex.

“How are you Alex?”

She played with Olivia’s hair and smiled at her. “I’m ok Liv. Linda Cavanaugh called me today to let me know she appreciated our donation to Sam’s scholarship fund.” Alex choked up and silently cursed her inability to let Sam’s death go.

“Alex, please don’t beat yourself up over this. He was…”

“Yes, I know, he was fragile already, blah, blah, blah. And I pushed him Olivia. I nearly wrecked my career right along with his life and it still didn’t make a difference.”

Olivia was trying to be patient with her wife. “Alex, please honey, stop this!” She pointed at their children. “Those two beautiful children need you. I need you. Sam’s death was a long time coming sweetie.” She took Alex’s hand in her own. “Sweetie, be here, in this moment, with us.”

Alex rubbed her forehead and grimaced. “I’m going in to get some Tylenol. I’ll be back out.”

Olivia watched her go and sighed. She hadn’t heard Kathleen come up and was surprised when the younger woman sat down next to her.

“She’s been having more and more headaches Olivia. And I found her crying three times last week.”

Olivia nodded. “Thanks Kathleen. Can you stay with the kids this weekend? I want to get Alex away for a couple of days.”

“Yeah. I have a big project due and I need to be in the city instead of out in Queens.”

Olivia thanked her as she quickly made her way into the house. She found Alex taking not Tylenol but a Vicodin. She picked up the bottle and Alex avoided looking at her, knowing she’d been caught.

“Alex?”

She sighed. “My headaches are getting worse Liv. Tylenol just doesn’t cut it anymore so I went to the doctor and he prescribed some Vicodin.” She shrugged.

“When did you go to the doctor?”

“Right after Sam…died. I didn’t want to worry you. The doctor seems to think it’s just stress.”

Olivia took her in her arms and held her. “Oh baby. Let’s go away this weekend. Just the two of us. You can rest and relax. Get Jim to cover for you.” Seeing that Alex was not agreeing, she rushed on with, “Baby, please. You’re frazzled and I’m worried about you.”

Alex fell into her arms and nodded and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

That Weekend


They had driven to Connecticut that afternoon and as soon as they were outside the city Olivia took both cell phones and turned them off. Everybody was under strict orders not to call them unless something had happened to one of the kids. Olivia had given Fin the number to where they were staying knowing he was staying in their guestroom to help Kathleen out that weekend.

 Olivia had rented a summerhouse for the weekend and hoped Alex would loosen up and get back to her old self. She had not counted on Alex going to bed as soon as they arrived and sleeping through the night. She did however chalk it up to Alex desperately needing rest, so she passed the time by reading a book.

Alex Cabot awoke the next morning and for the first time in weeks, she’d awakened without a headache. Feeling well rested, she looked up to See her wife smiling down at her.

“Rest well?” She nodded. “Hungry?”

“Not for food.” She raised up to kiss Olivia and felt arousal spreading through her. Breaking the kiss she looked into her wife’s eyes. “I’m sorry we haven’t been together so much these last few weeks. I just…I haven’t been feeling very well Olivia.”

“I know.” She kissed her again and then pulled back, trying to get her out of bed. “My goal this weekend is to get you back on the right track emotionally, physically and well, sexually.” She winked at her wife.

Olivia watched her wife eat and grinned at her appetite, which seemed to have returned, if only for the morning. Alex had experienced a noticeable weight-loss since taking the position as bureau chief and Olivia was very concerned about her.

After breakfast, they took a bubble bath together and after that they finally got around to making love. They’d only been together three times since Sam’s death and Olivia was still freaked out by their encounter that night. She’d tried to bring it up to Alex several times, but the blonde refused to talk about it.

After dinner they’d taken a nice long walk along the shore, neither saying anything, but Olivia did notice Alex'’ color looked better than it had in a long time. She also noticed her wife hadn’t taken any Vicodin or Tylenol since they’d arrived for their trip.

That night they made love again and drifted off to sleep, only to be awakened by Alex’s screams. She was shouting Sam’s name and Olivia was trying to wake her. When she finally did, Alex was bathed in sweat and refused to talk about her dream, instead changing the subject to Clarence and Eleanor. They’d named the little female when it became clear that she either didn’t have a home or that whoever had owned her wasn’t looking for her.

Olivia allowed her to get away with avoiding the topic because she didn’t know what else to do.

“Are Kathy and Elliot going to take CJ?” Alex had insisted they name Clarence’s younger version Clarence Jr.

“Yep. Two more weeks and he is off to Queens and a life in the Stabler household.

“He really is cute Liv.”

“Alex! We’ve been over this!”

“I know, but I’m just saying he’s a cute dog.” She laid her head on Olivia’s shoulder. “Is Munch going to take the little female?”

“You mean Muffy?”
“Oh Liv! Please tell me he’s not really going to name her that!”

“Afraid so. Which leaves the last male. I think Warner is going to take it for her son and daughter. They had to have their dog put down last year.”

“And Eleanor has her surgery scheduled too?”

“Yep.”

“Good. The Benson-Cabot’s are out of the puppy breeding business.”

“Apparently we are now in the doggie marriage business.”

“What?” She raised her head and frowned at Olivia.

“Kathleen told me Sydney asked her if they could have a wedding for Clarence and Eleanor this weekend. She told Kathleen that Mommies and Daddies should be married.” Olivia laughed. “She even has one of her doll dresses for poor Eleanor to wear.”

“Oh Lord Liv! That poor dog!” For the first time in weeks Alex laughed. Her laughing grew quiet and her arousal began to peak. Something about the way Olivia was laughing was driving Alex mad. “Make love to me.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

2 Weeks later

Any value they’d gotten from their trip away was short lived. As soon as they were back, Alex started having nightmares almost every night and her headaches had intensified. After much pleading by Olivia, Alex had agreed to see George for a possible referral. She’d seen him three times and he had diagnosed her with mild depression and prescribed anti-depressants to her. She had been reluctant to take them, citing her need to keep a sharp mind and fearing they would make her sluggish. George had quelled her argument when he told her that they could also help combat her headaches, which he believed were cluster headaches due to stress.

Alex had been on them for four days and still found herself being an emotional basket case. The night before when Warner and her family had arrived to pick up their new puppy, Alex had cried and held the dog to the last possible minute.

For this reason, Olivia had snuck Munch over during the day to pick-up his new puppy, a fact that had royally pissed Alex off. And because of that fact, Olivia had agreed to wait and bring Elliot, Kathy and the kids by when Alex was home. She also wanted Kathy to talk to Alex and get her read on her wife’s mental and physical health.

XXXXXXXXXX

Clarence, Eleanor, their son and the rest of the humans were in the backyard while Alex and Kathy were getting lemonade for everyone.

“How have you been Alex?”

The blonde regarded Kathy and realized Olivia must have asked her to talk to her.

“I love my wife but she needs to just drop the hovering routine. I took a new job with a high stress level, a boy I helped put in a coma died, my dog knocked up another dog and then channeling Elliot Stabler’s moral code her brought her to his home for delivery and George Huang thinks I’m depressed.” Realizing how her comment about Elliot might be taken she tried to clarify it. “I wasn’t trying to imply anything Kathy; I just meant that Clarence has a strong sense of right and wrong like Elliot.” She laughed. “If that makes sense?”

“I understand Alex. Olivia’s just concerned. I am too about your headaches.”

Alex once again laughed. “If I could get my 2 year old attorney’s to start acting like teenagers instead of middle schoolers, my headaches would disappear. Here, help me take these out to everyone.”

Olivia looked between the two women and Alex made her way over to her.

“I love you Olivia Benson.” She kissed her. “Thank you for taking care of me.” She then hugged Olivia tightly and whispered, “It’s going to be ok. I promise.”

Now if only she could make herself believe that.