::
XXXXXX
The next morning she called to check on Alex and chatted with her until Fin arrived to take her home. Her chest tightened once again. Dejected, she went to work. She puttered through the day until it was 5 o’clock. She decided to leave on time for once, and called Alex to see what she wanted for dinner.
She arrived carrying a bag of Chinese food and a bottle of Ginger Ale. Alex was wearing her pajamas and the two women greeted each other shyly. They ate in almost complete silence. Olivia broke the silence by asking Alex how she felt.
"Really tired, but that’s pretty normal."
"Are you getting sick a lot?" Sheepishly Alex smiled. "More than I care to think about."
"You know, if you ever need anything, I’m only 6 blocks away. You can call anytime, and I’ll be here."
Alex regarded her for a long moment. "Thanks Liv."
"What are you going to do this weekend? I mean, you are going to rest, right?"
"I’m on bed rest from today until Monday."
"What are you going to do for the next three days?" Alex shrugged.
Choosing her words carefully, Olivia made a proposal. "I could come by with some movies on Saturday. Keep you company?"
"I’d like that. Thank you." Olivia began cleaning up their mess, while Alex was busy getting ready to return to bed. When she was done cleaning up, Olivia popped her head in to say goodnight. The sight of Alex took her breath away. She was sound asleep with her glasses on and her hair fanned out on the pillow.
Gently removing the glasses, Olivia pulled the covers up around Alex’s shoulders. Dimming the bedside lamp, she switched off the TV and kissed her on the forehead. Quietly she let herself out of the suite and headed home.
XXXXX
She called Alex at lunch the next day just to check on her and again right before she left for the day. She asked Alex if she wanted her to bring dinner over, but was told Fin was going to bring her food. Olivia shot daggers across the room at Fin, who was oblivious.
XXXXXX
"Thanks for the Mexican food, Fin! I’ve had the weirdest cravings today." Fin laughed.
"My ex had a thing for sardines for about two weeks. It wasn’ pretty." Alex laughed.
"What broke you two up?" Fin looked away.
"The job. I was always undercover with Narcotics. No set schedule. Weeks without seeing her or our son. Can’t say that I blame her."
"I’m sorry." Fin waved her off.
"Ancient history."
"But it still hurts you. Does it ever get any better?"
"Some. But we’re not talkin’ about me now, are we? This about you and Liv." Alex shrugged.
"I suppose so. I love her Fin, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get over her. Of all the men and women I’ve dated, I thought she was the one who got me, you know?"
"I don’ wanna get all in your business, but were you and her….together before Velez?"
Alex blushed. "Sort of. I mean, after the Cheryl Avery case we became closer. We ended up back at Liv’s place and got drunk. We woke up together, but it was platonic. After that, we started going to dinners, then doing things on weekends. Finally after dinner one night I asked her if she was ever going to kiss me."
When Alex didn’t continue, Fin prompted, "And?"
"And, she didn’t. She bolted. She sent me some flowers the next day. Seems Liv has not had the best of relationships, and aside from a couple of drunken trysts in college, I was the first woman to openly express an interest in her."
"Really? I just always assumed Liv was bisexual at best and plain ol’ lesbian at worst. Or however you want to put it."
"I was sensitive to her need to proceed slowly. My last girlfriend was in law school and she did a number on me. Olivia was very….courtly. She started sending me flowers, leaving little things for me to find on my desk or in my briefcase. She cooked for me, and that first kiss! I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything for so long or so badly. We were in Times Square on a Sunday afternoon. We were looking up at something on the Jumbo Tron, and then she was kissing me. I don’t know how long we kissed, but we received a round of applause when we finally parted." Alex sighed.
"And?"
"We were like teenagers. We had marathon make out sessions. We did start sleeping together, though not in the biblical sense. Two weekends before the Velez case popped up, we went to Boston."
"I remember that! Liv wouldn’t tell anybody where she was goin’ or who she was going with! Not even Elliot."
"I was in love with her before that trip, but afterwards, I knew I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with her." Alex swiped at her tears. Fin gathered her to him and held her.
"Shhh. It’s all gonna be alright Alex. I promise."
Sometime later, her tears stopped. Cursing her hormones, she asked Fin, "Would you….mind staying with me tonight? Please?" Fin looked at her for a full minute.
"I don’t mean in the biblical sense Fin!" She laughed.
"Don’ be laughing at me woman!"
"I wish you could have seen the look on your face Fin! It was priceless. I’m sorry. I just feel so….needy right now. I hate this feeling."
"I can do that." Fin refused to get under the covers, but did sleep with his arms around Alex. They were awakened by knocking the next morning.
Fin stumbled to the door and found a shocked Olivia standing in the hallway holding a bag of food. "Fin?" He waved her in.
"Mornin.’"
"Everything ok with Alex?" He nodded.
"Yeah, she was just feelin’ a little clingy last night and asked me to stay." Olivia glanced around the suite until her eyes fell on the couch. The couch that had no blankets or pillows on it. Catching her movements, Fin answered the unasked question, "She wanted to be held."
Olivia clenched her jaw. Before she could reply, the door to the bathroom opened. "Morning Fin, Liv." She walked up to Fin and gave him a hug. "Thank you."
"No problem. Lunch on Monday?" She nodded.
After he left, Olivia held up the bag of food. "French Toast?" Alex squealed, "Yummy!" Eagerly she tore open the bag and began devouring the food. Olivia smiled.
"We can get more you know?"
Alex laughed. "I wasn’t expecting you until later."
"Obviously." Olivia couldn’t quite keep the hurt out of her voice.
"Liv, Fin has been a godsend to me these last few weeks. I just needed to be held."
"I’m only 6 blocks away." Even to her own ears she sounded whiney.
"Don’t do this Liv. I will not be made to feel guilty for having my needs met. You’ve been very clear on your wants and don’t want. I need somebody who’s going to be there all of the time."
Abruptly Olivia asked, "What movies do you want me to get? Comedy or Drama?"
Knowing that Liv needed to distance herself from the topic, she let it slide. "Comedy. With my hormones, I’ll probably end up crying anyway." Olivia kissed her on the forehead and left.
Returning an hour later, she let herself in with the key Alex had given her. "Alex? Sweetie, where are you?" Heading for the bedroom, she heard an awful noise. "Alex?" She found Alex dry heaving into the toilet. Her hair was sweaty and her pajamas damp with sweat.
Stepping over her, Olivia pulled her hair out of the way and placed a damp washcloth on the back of her neck. "Sweetie, how long have you been throwing-up?"
Catching her breath she answered, "Since about 15 minutes after you left."
Olivia looked at her watch. "My God. You’ve been throwing-up for 45 minutes? Is that normal?"
"For me it is. Can you help me up? I need a shower." Offering her a hand, Olivia helped her up.
"Can you manage by yourself?"
"Yes. I’m an old pro." There was no malice to her words, but Olivia felt them as if they’d slapped her. She kept vigil on the edge of the bed, listening for any signs of Alex in distress.
When Alex emerged 20 minutes later, Olivia let out a sigh of relief. "Feel better?" She nodded. She slid over to make room for Alex.
"Can you hand me my meds?"
"What meds?" Alex pointed to the nightstand on the other side of the bed.
"My pre-natal vitamins and my anti-nausea medicine." Olivia handed them to Alex and brought back a glass of water for her.
"Need anything else?" Exhausted, Alex nodded.
"Fin brought me some chamomile tea. It’s a lifesaver. Can you fix me a cup?"
Alex sipped the tea greedily, as she caught site of Olivia’s worried expression. "Hey. I’m ok." Alex smiled at her.
Choked up, Olivia replied, "You just, you don’t look so good and that scares me." Alex could see the unshed tears in her eyes.
"Nothings going to happen to me. I promise." Olivia remained silent as one thought rang inside her head. Something already happened to you. You were taken away. You may not get to come back if there is a next time.
Olivia held up their movie selections and laughed when Alex chose "Caddy Shack." "I knew you’d pick that one." Alex grinned. Olivia slid in behind Alex, who lay her head on Olivia’s chest. As the credits rolled, she realized Alex was sound asleep. She managed to turn the TV off and roll them on their side without waking Alex. Alex let out a contented sigh and snuggled closer to Olivia.
Olivia took the opportunity to study Alex. She looked frail and gaunt, and there were bags under her eyes. Why are you doing this to yourself? She reached out her hand to touch Alex’s abdomen, to feel where life had begun, but memories stopped her. She closed her eyes tight against the pictures in her mind, eventually drifting off.
She awoke to a set of blue eyes looking at her. "Hi." Olivia sighed.
"Hey. Feeling better?" Alex nodded. "Hungry?"
Alex stretched out as she answered, "Always. Especially now." Olivia leaned over and touched her lips to Alex’s. Alex cupped the back of Olivia’s head and deepened the kiss. Olivia pulled back and rested her forehead on Alex’s.
"I want to share this with you Liv." Olivia looked away.
"I know you do sweetie. I know you do." She helped Alex into a sitting position. "Let’s order some food." Alex looked away, but not before Olivia saw the hurt in her eyes.
Alex had been adamant that she wanted pizza for dinner, and Olivia had obliged. Dinner was quiet and there was some tension from their earlier conversation, but Alex passed everything off as being ok.
"What other movies do we have, Liv?" She held up Willy Wonka and Men in Black. Alex squealed. "I love Willy Wonka!"
"I remember." They snuggled together and Alex managed to stay awake for the entire movie.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Sweetie? It’s getting late. I’m going to head out, ok?" Alex grabbed her hand. "Do you have to?"
"Do you want me to stay?"
"Do you mind? It’s….I’m just feeling a bit….vulnerable right now. Damn hormones. I hate being dependent." Olivia stripped down to her underwear and slid under the covers. Alex had a death grip on her arm. "Thanks Liv." Before Olivia could respond, Alex let out a soft snore.
Olivia awoke the next morning to the sounds of Alex retching again. "Alex, are you ok?" Not receiving a response, she bolted from the bed. She found Alex stretched out on the bathroom floor, drenched in sweat and feeling clammy. Olivia got a washcloth for Alex to put on her forehead.
"I need my meds Liv."
"Alex, I think you need more than that. We should go to the hospital." Olivia brushed the hair off of Alex’s forehead while she waited for her to answer.
"It’ll pass Liv, I promise." Alex sounded like a frightened child and it broke Olivia’s heart.
Finally getting Alex in bed, and getting her meds down her, Olivia thought about calling her OB/GYN. Suddenly she realized she didn’t have a clue who her doctor was. Alex reached for her. "Just sit with me Liv. That’s what I need." Olivia sat and watched Alex for the next several hours, never moving.
"Liv? What time is it?" Brushing the hair off of Alex’s forehead, she glanced at her watch.
"6:30. Are you hungry?" Alex nodded. "What do you want to eat?" Alex shrugged.
"Doesn’t matter. I’ll just throw it all up anyway." Olivia pulled Alex to her. "I wish I could make it all better."
"I wish you could too." Olivia heard the wistful tone in Alex’s voice and felt guilty.
"Sweetie, I need to go get clothes for tomorrow, ok?"
"You’re staying?" Olivia heard the surprise in Alex’s voice. It tore at her that Alex thought she’d leave her alone, this sick.
"Yes, I am. What do you want for dinner?"
"A cheeseburger?" Alex asked hopefully. Olivia smiled.
"No. How about some real food? Mashed potatoes and gravy, some chicken?" Alex snurled her nose, but gave in.
Olivia spent a sleepless night watching over Alex. As the first rays of light were breaking, Alex bolted from the bed and began retching yet again. For the third time in as many days, Olivia had to help her up. "I need a shower Liv." Olivia led her back to bed instead.
"You’re not going anywhere. I’m calling in for you and that’s that." Alex climbed back into bed and drifted off to sleep instantly.
After making the necessary calls, Olivia resumed her watch over Alex. The blond tossed and turned in a fitful sleep for almost two hours before Olivia had had enough.
"It’s Olivia. Something’s wrong with Alex, and I need your help." 30 minutes later Fin arrived. "Thanks for coming. She’s been really sick the last two days and refuses to go to the hospital. The medicine they gave her doesn’t seem to be working. I-I can’t get her to go to the hospital and…..I don’t know who her OB/GYN is." Fin knew that last admission hadn’t come easily for Olivia.
"I’ll take care of it Liv. Don’t worry. You have to testify today, right?" She nodded. She watched, feeling helpless, as Fin started making calls.
She turned to leave, but was stopped by Fin. "Liv? It’s Dr. Brumby. Her OB." She smiled at Fin in thanks.
7
XXXXXXXXXX
Olivia had been the first to testify and had arrived back at the station fairly early. She waited until noon to call Dr. Brumby’s office. When she inquired about Alex, the receptionist asked her name. She was put on hold. "Ms. Benson…."
Olivia corrected her. "Detective Benson."
"Sorry. You are not listed on any of the forms for a Miss Cabot. Due to the HIPPA laws, I am unable to discuss Miss Cabot with you."
Olivia was stung at being shut out of Alex’s life. What did you expect? You told her you didn’t want to be a part of this. Several times. Can’t have it both ways Olivia. "I understand. Thank you."
Elliot had caught the last of the call and raised an eyebrow at Olivia. She shook her head and continued to watch the clock. By 3 o’clock she was desperate and called Fin. All she got was his voicemail. She left a message and then called Alex’s suite. A vaguely familiar voice answered the phone.
"Hello? I’m trying to reach Alex Cabot?"
"Olivia? This is Meredith Cabot."
"I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize your voice. Is Alex ok? Her O-doctor’s office wouldn’t give me any info on her."
"It’s ok Olivia, I know she’s pregnant. The doctor ran an IV of fluids through her and ordered bed rest for the rest of this week. With a little TLC she’ll be fine."
"Do you need anything?"
"No. Mr. Fin has been a big help."
"Oh. Ok. I guess I should let you get back to Alex then."
"Olivia, I’d like to see you. Would you care to drop by this evening? I will be staying with Alex until she’s a little stronger."
"Uh. Sure." Olivia cursed as she hung-up the phone.
"Problem?" Elliot asked.
"You could say that." She left at 5 o’clock sharp wanting to get this meeting over with. Mrs. Cabot always made Olivia feel like an out of place child and it wasn’t anything the other woman had ever done, just Olivia’s own insecurities.
"Come in dear." Olivia took a seat opposite Mrs. Cabot on the love seat.
"How have you been Olivia?"
"Good. Very worried about Alex." Meredith Cabot regarded her as if she were choosing her words with great care.
"You love my daughter." It was a statement, not a question.
"Then why do you insist on hurting her, and yourself?"
"With all due respect Mrs. Cabot, I really don’t think this is any of your business." The older woman laughed.
"My dear, if it concerns my daughter, it concerns me. Do we understand each other?" Olivia nodded.
"My daughter loves you, and you love her. Why is this so difficult? Must you both wallow in misery?" Olivia looked away.
"It’s not that simple."
"Hogwash. While you’re wasting time, have you stopped to consider how you’ll feel when my daughter finds someone else? Because she will. She’s a beautiful woman. How will you feel when it’s some other woman tending what ought to be your children? Or some other man. Perhaps even the father." Olivia jerked her head around at her last statement.
Meredith Cabot caught the anger that flared behind Olivia’s eyes. "Olivia, she’ll not be lonely for long if she chooses. And with each passing day that you push her away, it will become easier to go forward. Don’t blow this."
XXXXXXXXXX
She left the suite and headed to Chauncey’s. That night and for the next three nights she got rip roaring drunk. She was so hung over that she called in sick two mornings in a row. She hadn’t been back to see Alex for fear of running into her mother again. She and Fin got into an argument that quickly degraded into personal insults. Elliot stepped between them, prompting Olivia to storm out of the bullpen. She ended up at Chauncey's again.
She entered Chauncey’s and found a seat at the bar. It was late afternoon and the after work crowd hadn’t gotten started yet, which was fine by her.
"Danny, Scotch on the rocks." Danny served her drink and they made some small talk until things started getting busy. Olivia was knocking them back pretty fast, and was well on her way to getting plastered when someone bumped into her.
"Excuse you." She turned to see who’d bumped her, and came face to face with Jack Bressler from the 2-3.
"To what do I owe this displeasure, Bressler?"
"Just stopped by to offer my congratulations. I hear the little woman is expecting." Olivia turned away from Bressler, but he moved in front of her.
"Not so fast Benson. Can you explain to me how it is that two dykes can get pregnant? Last time I checked, you didn’t have the right equipment under that belt to do the job. Unless there’s something you’re not telling us?" Olivia glanced at Danny who was about to step in. She shook her head and turned away from Bressler again.
Again he stepped in front of her. "Drop it Bressler." She got up to walk away when he grabbed her.
"What’s the matter Benson? Couldn’t keep the little woman happy? She need a real man?" She attempted to leave again.
"Let go of me Bressler."
"Aw, come on Benson, you can tell me. Who’s the daddy? Going bet is that defense attorney, Trevor Langan. Did you watch while he did her?" Olivia clenched her fist. "Can't blame you or him Benson. She’s a nice piece of ass. Hell, I’d do her." Olivia turned and landed a punch smack in the middle of his nose. Blood began to gush everywhere. Bressler grabbed Olivia and landed a solid hit right to her jaw. Other patrons stepped between them and as Olivia was leaving, Bressler called out, "You’re going down for this Benson!"
As she walked away, she called out, "Fuck you Bressler!"
With her buzz all but gone, she decided to go see Alex. After a couple of breath mints and a few flashes of the badge, she found out that Mother Cabot was out for the evening. She made her way up to Alex’s suite.
Alex answered the door. "Liv? Are you ok? What happened to your jaw? You look like hell." Olivia pushed passed her.
"Who’s the father?" Confused, Alex didn’t answer. Olivia backed her up against the wall.
"I said, who’s the father?" Speechless, she could only look at Olivia. Olivia claimed her mouth roughly and held Alex’s arms above her head. Pushing her hips into Alex’s she asked again, "Who’s the father?" Her voice was cold and harsh this time.
"I don’t know Liv. I used a semi-anonymous donor." Olivia looked at her skeptically.
"Are you sure?"
Alex angrily replied, "Yes, I’m sure. Why are you asking me this?" Olivia shook her head.
"Something your mother said." She released Alex.
"What are you talking about? What did she say?" Olivia bit her lip.
"Ask her." She turned to leave, but Alex grabbed her.
"Wait. You can’t just come in here and manhandle me and then leave. It’s because of you I’m pregnant!"
"What are you talking about?"
"The day we made love here….."
"You mean the day I abused you at best and forced you at worst?" Alex took a deep breath.
"You never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Anyway, that was the day I was inseminated. The doctor suggested I have an orgasm within 8-10 hours of insemination to increase my chances of conceiving. As you know, I certainly had an orgasm that day, and just hours after being inseminated."
Olivia felt the room spinning and a churning in her stomach. Concerned, Alex ran her finger down Liv’s jaw. "So for me, you’re just as responsible for my pregnancy as the man who donated his sperm."
Olivia ran to the bathroom and threw-up. Well, I guess I am my father’s child.
Alex ran after her, trying to find out what was going on, but Olivia brushed passed her and ran out the door. Alex started to follow, but realized she was in her pajamas. She sent up a silent prayer that Olivia would be alright.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
When she finally made it home, her answering machine light was blinking. She hit play and heard the voice of Elliot. "Pick-up Liv. Look, Cragen is looking for you. What’s happened? Call me."
"Olivia, its Cragen. IAB is looking for you. You should call your Union Rep. See me first thing in the morning. You might want to avoid the phone and answering the door tonight."
"Liv? Liv, please pick-up. I don’t know what tonight was all about, but you scared me. Cragen and Elliot both called here looking for you. Please let me know you’re ok. I love you."
Olivia threw the machine across the room and then ransacked her living room. When exhaustion finally hit, she slumped into the couch and let her tears flow.
When morning finally arrived, she woke up sore and hung over. Staggering into the kitchen, she found aspirin and water. She grimaced as she tried to open her mouth all the way.
She trudged into the bathroom and inspected her face in the mirror. Noticing the large bruise, she cursed. "Damn!" Climbing into the shower she stood under water as hot as she could get it.
Arriving at work, she went straight to Cragen’s office. "What the hell happened to you Benson?" Olivia just looked at Cragen. "Let me try again. What happened between you and Bressler?"
"If you know about Bressler, then you know what happened. We exchanged punches. End of story."
"Olivia, you’re in trouble. He was on duty and technically so were you. He called IAB. You need to contact your Union Rep." Olivia continued to stare at him. Shaking his head he asked, "Have you had that checked out?" She shook her head. "Bressler said you hit him without provocation?" Olivia snorted.
"Really? He’s a scum sucking homophobe." Cragen leaned in.
"Did this have anything to do with Alex?" Her head shot up, but she didn’t answer. "Olivia, I don’t know, nor do I need to know what’s going on in your personal life, but clearly it’s effecting your work." Olivia started to protest, but Cragen held up a hand.
"You look like hell, you’re picking fights with the squad, and I’m afraid your head’s not on straight. I’m suspending you for a week with pay pending the outcome of the IAB investigation." She shrugged and walked out of the office. She began gathering her stuff.
"Liv? What’s going on?"
Glancing at Elliot she replied, "Week’s suspension with pay pending the outcome of IAB."
"Bressler’s a prick." Surprised she looked at Elliot.
"How’d you know about Bressler?"
"You broke the guy’s nose in a cop bar. Everybody knows." Olivia resumed going through her files. She heard the familiar click-clack of heels coming down the hall and looked up in time to see Alex approaching.
"What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in bed." Alex gasped when she saw the nasty bruise on Olivia’s jaw. Reaching out her hand, she gently touched the bruise.
"Liv?" The way she said her name asked all of the necessary questions.
"I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you later. I promise." Picking up the files, she left the station. Confused, Alex entered Cragen’s office without knocking.
"What the hell happened to Olivia?" Cragen groaned.
"She’s been suspended for a week with pay. Apparently she broke the nose of a fellow officer in front of an entire bar. You know about anything that would have set her off?" Alex thought back to her encounter with Olivia.
"Maybe. Or at least I have a good idea." Cragen waited for her to expand on that statement, but she didn’t.
"Can I be blunt Alex? The whole damn NYPD knows you’re pregnant. Everybody also knows that until recently you and Olivia were engaged to be married. It is also known that that engagement was abruptly broken and now you’re pregnant. Unless biology has changed, there is no way in Hell that Olivia is the one who got you that way. Do you see where I’m going?" Alex closed her eyes and sighed.
Taking a seat she said, "It never occurred to me how this would look. Do-do you think this has anything to do with the fight?"
Cragen leaned in. "I’d bet my life on it."
"I’ve made a mess out of everything. What needs to be done?" Cragen sighed.
"Find out what happened at Chauncey’s last night. Olivia’s not going to defend herself and this may be the only way to save her job."
"May I take Fin with me?" Cragen nodded.
"Take care of yourself and that baby." Alex nodded.
"And Alex?" She turned back to him. "Congratulations." She smiled.
XXXXXXXXXX
Olivia sat on the subway watching people. When she really needed to get out of her head, she rode the subway. It didn’t matter where, just as long as there were people and they were moving. The methodical route numbed her brain, and Olivia figured if ever there was a day she needed her brain numb, it was today.
She rode for almost two hours before she decided to get off in Chelsea. She walked the street until she found a book store she vaguely remembered. She browsed the art books and then the history books before finding the parenting section. She picked up a copy of "What to Expect When You’re Expecting." She flipped through the book and decided to but it.
On the very bottom of the shelf, she found a section devoted to gay parenting. She found a book with almost an identical cover to the "What to Expect" book, except that it was called, "What to Expect When Your Partner’s Pregnant."
As she was on her way to check out with the two books, she ended up in the children’s section. She quickly found what she was looking for, and added them to her collection.
Feeling a little better, she made her way to the check out and headed home with her purchases.
XXXXXXXXX
Fin opened the door of the bar for Alex. The crowd inside was thin, and they had no problem getting a seat at the bar. "Danny, who worked last night?" The bartender smiled when he saw Fin.
"Hey Fin. I did. The day guy called into day so I’m working a back to back. Why?" Fin looked at Alex and then Danny.
"Did you see Olivia in here last night?"
"Oh yeah. She had knocked back a few when this ass came up and started harassing her." Alex spoke up.
"Harassing her how?" Danny glanced at Fin and then Alex.
"Danny, this is Alexandra Cabot of the DA’s office." At the name, Danny’s eyes grew wide. Looking at Alex again, this time taking in her whole body, he smiled appreciatively.
"Now I see why she popped him. If you were my girlfriend, I’d have killed him."
"What happened?" Danny looked at Fin, more than a little uncomfortable. Alex spoke.
"It’s ok. Just tell us. Olivia’s job may be on the line."
"He started talking about you being pregnant and how you might have gotten that way. Started talking about some guy named Trevor, and if he did you and if so, did Olivia watch?" Danny’s face was red.
"Do you want me to go on, or do you have a general idea?" Fin shook his head.
"You know, she kept trying to get away from him, but he kept getting in her face."
Alex asked, "Can anybody else confirm this story?" Danny nodded.
"A couple of the regulars were here at the bar and we all talked about it after it was over." Fin gave him his card and asked him to call the next day.
XXXXXXXXX
Having a late lunch, Fin and Alex discussed the previous nights events. "Do you think this will be enough to clear her with IAB?" Fin nodded.
"With all that PC bullshit we have to go through now and sensitivity training, this ought to sink Bressler and help Liv. She might get a slap on the wrist." Alex nodded, relieved.
"How are you feelin’?"
"I’m going stir crazy. My mother is about to drive me mad. On the other hand, I’ve had plenty of time to surf the net and I’ve found a lot of interesting pregnancy sites. I even found a support group for single parent gays."
"Liv still hasn’t come around?" Alex smiled sadly.
"I’ve accepted the fact that she may never come around. I went into this prepared to do it alone. That hasn’t changed. I’m optimistic but realistic as well."
"When’s your first meeting?"
"Wednesday at 7."
"Keep me posted. What else is on the docket for today?"
Alex hesitated. "I-I want to go check on Liv."
"Be careful. Whatever is eatin’ her is making her crazy."
XXXXXXXXX
Alex knocked on the door of the apartment. Receiving no answer, she let herself in.
"Go away Alex." Alex stood over Olivia, who was laying on the couch.
"No. I came to apologize." Cracking an eye open, Olivia asked, "For what?"
"I know what happened at Chauncey’s last night. It never occurred to me that people might think….."
Olivia waved her off. Alex took a seat on the edge of the couch and picked up Olivia’s right hand. Gently she kissed the bruised knuckles and worked her way to the inside of Olivia’s wrist. She slowly worked her way up to Olivia’s lips.
"Wh-what are you doing Alex?" Leaning in, Alex kissed Olivia.
"I’m giving you the only thing I have to give." Olivia frowned.
"What are you talking about?" Slowly, Alex unbuttoned Olivia’s shirt. She took Olivia’s cotton clad nipple in her mouth, and began to suck.
Roughly, Olivia grabbed Alex’s hands. "Stop. You’re not doing this. I don’t want you to and I won’t let you." Hurt, Alex pulled away as if she’d been burnt. Olivia was busy trying to button her shirt as Alex was trying to get away before her tears could fall.
"Wait! Alex, you’re pregnant."
Choking back a sob, she replied, "And?"
"I don’t want you doing that while you’re pregnant."
"Am I that….. repulsive to you?" Olivia pulled her close.
"I don’t find you repulsive. Quite the opposite actually."
Alex touched Olivia’s face. "Then why not?"
Olivia shook her head. "I can’t….." What she wanted to say was that she couldn’t explain it. Had no words for this feeling inside her. What Alex heard was yet another rejection.
"I’m sorry Liv."
"No, I’m sorry. I’m making a mess of this. Could….would you just hold me? That’s what I really need and want right now."
Alex slid in behind Olivia on the couch and wrapped her arms around Olivia.
"Thank you." Alex nuzzled Olivia’s neck.
"No, thank you."
"For what?"
"For being my knight in shining armor. For defending my honor last night."
Olivia chuckled. "You make me sound so noble." Alex tightened her hold on Olivia.
"You are noble. And caring and loving. You have a heart of gold." Olivia remained quiet.
"Liv? Did you hear me?" She nodded.
"You’re too kind to me."
"No, I just love you."
"I love you too Alex. I have so much I want to tell you, but I just don’t know how."
"You can tell me anything Liv. It won’t change the way I feel about you. Nothing will."
Olivia pulled Alex’s arm toward her and kissed the palm. Alex had the daintiest wrists. As she turned the arm at an angle, she saw faint bruises below the wrist.
"I did this." Alex pulled her arm away.
"Don’t Liv."
Pulling herself up off the couch, Olivia asked Alex to leave and proceeded into the bedroom. Not wanting to fight again, Alex did as she was asked.
8
XXXXXXXXXXXX
On a whim, Alex took a cab to FAO Schwarz. As she walked around the store, she placed her hand protectively over her abdomen. She smiled at all of the children who were running around and playing, picturing her child in just a few years. She came across an oversized teddy bear and couldn’t resist buying it. She also found a pair of shearling booties in mint green and bought those as well.
She had decided when she found out she was pregnant that she wouldn’t buy anything until she was out of the first trimester. In three days she would be, and she told herself it was ok to make the purchases. She arranged for delivery of the bear and then treated herself to a nice dinner out before returning to the hotel.
Alex didn’t call Olivia that night or for the next two nights. She knew her well enough to know that Olivia was unreachable right now, and that she’d call whenever she was ready. Alex just hoped that was sooner, rather than later.
XXXXXXXX
Olivia spent the next two days on the couch watching TV with the phone by her side. As she lay there, she thought about the weird turn her life had taken. She thought about losing Alex and now the possibility of losing the only other important thing in her life, her job. Olivia knew she might be able to survive losing one or the other, but not both. She still had hope for her and Alex, though she wasn’t sure exactly what she was hoping for.
In her quiet moments, she imagined what Alex’s child would look like. Would he or she have blue eyes and blond hair? Or would the baby look like its father? Whatever he may look like. Olivia also thought back to her childhood and not knowing what her father looked like. Would Alex’s child do the same thing?
In rare moments, she imagined the three of them living together and being a family. A real family. She imagined t-ball games and grade school, graduation and growing old with Alex and their grandchildren. These moments never lasted for long, as other memories would always rise, unbidden.
Frustrated, Olivia rolled over and took a nap. She was having a nightmare. There was blood everywhere and she heard screaming. She awoke from the nightmare covered in sweat and shaking. She hadn’t had that dream in a long time.
When the phone finally rang, it wasn’t Alex calling, but Captain Cragen. She was to report to the station the next morning for a meeting with IAB.
The call was enough to finally motivate her to take a shower.
When Olivia arrived the next morning, Cragen’s door was closed. When it opened 15 minutes later, Olivia was surprised to see Alex walk out. She gave Olivia a small smile and made her way to Fin’s desk.
"Olivia, join us please."
When she entered the office, she found Cragen, Huang, Bressler and Richards of IAB.
"Captain. So what’s the verdict?" Bressler stood and faced Olivia, but seemed to look right through her.
"Detective Benson, I hope you’ll accept my apology for the insensitive remarks I made the other night."
Olivia just looked at him and said nothing. "Can I go now?" Richards nodded and Bressler left the office.
"Does this mean I’m re-instated?"
Richards answered, "Yes and no. Yes you are re-instated following the conclusion of your suspension, and you must agree to undergo counseling."
"Excuse me?"
"Olivia, there is no way around this." She looked at Cragen.
"What kind of counseling?"
Richards spoke up, "Anger control and issue resolution."
"This is bullshit! That fat head started it!"
Cragen sighed. "Olivia, you’ll see Huang at a time of your choosing. This won’t go in your jacket. Just get something set up as soon as possible. You’ll do a minimum of 10 weekly sessions."
"What about Bressler? Does he just get off with giving an apology?" Cragen shook his head.
"He is to undergo mandatory sensitivity training for a year. Weekly sessions." Richards and Huang left the office.
"Why was Alex here?"
"Bressler had to apologize to her as well." Olivia nodded.
"Other than that, how are you holding up?" She shrugged.
"Pretty par for the course in the life of Olivia Benson." She turned and left the office avoiding the guys on her way out.
Deciding to bite the bullet, she went straight to Huang’s office.
"Come in." George smiled as Olivia took a seat in his office. "I knew that was you."
"Oh really? How?" George watched as she fidgeted in her chair, obviously nervous.
"You want to get this over with and done so you can get back to your life. Right?"
"That pretty much sums it up. When can we get started?"
"Wednesday. Come by at 11 am."
XXXXXXXXX
"Let’s get started so we can get finished, ok?"
"Olivia, I won’t bite." George smiled.
"Ok, so why did you hit Bressler?"
"He made a series of derogatory comments about certain personal aspects of my life."
"Was Alex a part of these comments?" Olivia pursed her lips.
"You know he did."
"I need to hear it from you, and preferably in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re giving testimony."
Olivia frowned. "Fine. He called us dykes, he insinuated Alex had been unfaithful or that I had watched her having sex with someone else in order for her to get pregnant. He also said something nasty regarding Alex, so I popped him."
"Have you been called a dyke before?" Olivia nodded. "How was this different?"
"He was degrading Alex with his accusations, not me."
"Well, is it possible Alex was unfaithful to you?" Olivia shook her head without hesitation.
"No. That’s not who Alex is or what she’s about."
"Then why did that bother you if you knew there was no possibility she’d cheated?"
Olivia paused. "He shouldn’t have said those things about her! She didn’t deserve it!"
"Didn’t he also say similarly nasty things about you?"
"Yes, but that’s different."
"How so?"
"It was about me. It didn’t matter, but Alex, well, it matters."
"Because you love her?"
"That’s part of it. The other is that she’s out of his league. He shouldn’t even breathe the air she does."
George glanced at the clock. "Olivia, I want you to think about our session this week, and then I want you to consider why you don’t believe your worthy of defending. Think about it and I’ll see you next week."
Pulling out her cell phone, she called Alex. "Cabot."
"Hey. It’s me."
"Liv. Hi. What can I do for you?" Olivia hadn’t called Alex in 4 days, and she was unsure of how to act towards her former lover.
"I wanted to know if you had time for dinner tonight?" Remembering her support group meeting, she declined.
"I’m sorry. I have plans tonight.
"Oh. Ok. How are you feeling?"
"Much better. Thank you for asking. And you? I assume you’ve been re-instated?"
"Yes. Well, actually I have to attend mandatory anger counseling for a minimum of 10 weeks." Alex was quiet.
"I think that’s good Liv. The counseling. I don’t think you have an anger problem."
In a childlike voice Olivia asked, "You don’t? Really? Even after what I did to you?"
Frustrated, Alex responded, "Olivia, you are a passionate woman. There is a fine line between passion and anger. You don’t blur the two. And for the last time, you did nothing to me I didn’t want or allow to be done. Now, are you free for lunch on Friday?"
"I’ll make sure I am." Olivia hung-up and with a lighter step, made her way back to the station.
XXXXXXXXX
Alex nervously entered the meeting room where the Single Family Group was meeting. She was oblivious to the looks she received from several of the women there. As she found a seat, a woman introduced herself to Alex. "You must be new. My name is MacKenzie and I’m the mother of Max." Alex shook the offered hand and finally made eye contact with the woman.
She was tall with brown hair and piercing blue eyes. It wasn’t that Alex found her attractive as much as she was intrigued by the women. The two women smiled at each other.
When it came time for introductions, Alex gave a bare bones account of her life. "My name is Alex and I am an attorney. I am 13 weeks pregnant. Up until about 14 weeks ago, I was in a committed relationship. A work colleague has been my support system until now, but I’m hoping this group will change that."
A man sitting next to Alex introduced himself. "Hi Alex. My name is mark and I have a son named Xavier I adopted four years ago, when he was an infant. I’m guessing your former partner didn’t want kids? That’s why you broke up?"
Alex gave a rueful smile. "Something like that."
Mark spoke again. "Same thing happened with me."
Alex found the group to be welcoming and warm. They invited her to a picnic in the park on Sunday and she accepted without hesitation. As the meeting was breaking up, MacKenzie handed her a phone list.
"Thank you."
Smiling, MacKenzie answered, "You’re welcome."
XXXXXXXXX
Olivia spent the next two days thinking about what she’d discussed with Huang. She arrived at the restaurant before Alex, and took a seat facing the door. She watched, unobstructed, as Alex made her way to the table.
Her cheeks were flush, and Olivia noticed her hair was a little longer than normal.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" Olivia shook her head.
"You just, you look different. Just…..different, but good. Damn good."
Alex smiled a smile that lit up her entire face. "Thank you."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better, thanks. How about you?" Olivia bobbed her head up and down.
"I’m…..ok. I have to see Huang every Wednesday for the foreseeable future."
Alex laid her hand over Olivia’s. "It’s not a bad thing Liv."
She was surprised when Olivia agreed. "I know. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to see you. Huang asked me why I hit Bressler. I gave him the bare bones version." Alex waited, knowing Olivia was working up to something. "I know you talked to Danny, so you have a pretty good idea what was said."
Alex nodded. "How graphic did Danny get?" Alex shrugged.
"Enough for me to know I’d have done the same thing if I’d been in your shoes." Olivia smiled.
"That, I’d like to see." Alex flexed her muscles.
"He said things about you and your baby that should never be said about anyone, but especially you." Olivia missed the hurt in Alex’s eyes as she said ‘your baby.’
"I was telling Huang why I felt the need to break Bressler’s nose. I was defending you. Huang pointed out that Bressler had also disrespected me, but I brushed that off. He doesn’t think I feel worthy of defending." Olivia stopped to collect her thoughts.
"Do you….do I….I don’t know what I’m trying to say." Frustrated she shook her head.
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes Olivia, you put your needs last 99% of the time. You think of yourself last in almost every situation, often at great sacrifice to yourself. It’s both your best and worst trait. It’s what makes you a good cop and a wonderful girlfriend. And it’s one of the reasons I love you."
Olivia sat back and thought about what Alex had just said.
"Why do you think that is?" Alex shook her head.
"I think that’s what you have to figure out." Olivia waited as their plates were removed and Alex ordered dessert.
"I’m working tomorrow, but what about lunch on Sunday?"
"I….have plans on Sunday afternoon."
"Oh. Your mom?" Alex shook her head.
Wanting to see Olivia, Alex suggested, "Dinner?"
"Sure. Pick you up at 7?"
"How about I meet you at the apartment? I’ll bring take-out?"
"Sounds good."
Alex reached for a packet of sugar. Olivia caught her arm and turned it over, looking where the bruises had been. She shook her head, letting go of Alex’s arm. Alex held her breath, waiting to see if she’d say anything and glad when she didn’t.
"Do you want to come over and watch a movie tonight?"
"Alex, I’m fine."
"I’m sure you are. Come by around 8." She got up and left Olivia to pay the bill.
9
XXXXXXXXX
Alex opened the door wearing her baggy jeans, or her fat jeans as she called them, and an old sweat shirt. Olivia cocked her eyebrow at the outfit. "Wearing the fat jeans, huh?" Alex rolled her eyes.
"I wish I’d never told you that!" She led Olivia into the bedroom, where a large bowl of popcorn, snow caps, pixie sticks and Cherry Coke were awaiting her. She turned to Alex, who was holding up a copy of "The Love Bug."
"Alex?" She walked over and placed her hands on Olivia’s hips. "Liv, you don’t always have to be the strong one. Sometimes the people who love you, want to take care of you. You need to let them." She started to pull away but Olivia stopped her.
"So you rented my favorite movie and bought my favorite junk food, just for me?" Alex smiled.
"If you’re good, I’ll even let you put your head in my lap." After popping the movie in, Alex pulled Olivia down to her lap. As they watched the movie, she ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair. Midway through the movie she asked Olivia to sit up. "I need to change into my pj’s. My pants are starting to get too snug."
Olivia glued her eyes onto Alex’s midsection. "Would you like to touch?" Olivia diverted her eyes. "No."
Alex nodded. Sitting down, she pulled Olivia back onto her lap. "I’m sorry Alex. I-I just can’t."
"Shhhh. It’s ok. Just watch the movie." Sometime later Alex realized Olivia was asleep. What is going on with you Olivia?
XXXXXXXXX
Alex shook Olivia awake the next morning. "Wh-what?"
"It’s time to get up. You have to go to work."
Rubbing her eyes, Olivia asked, "What am I doing here?"
"You fell asleep during the movie. I didn’t have the heart to wake you."
"I slept through the night? I haven’t done that in a while." Alex smiled. It was that radiant smile that she’d given Olivia the day before. Olivia’s chest tightened and the throbbing returned between her legs. Sitting up, she turned Alex to her and kissed her. Olivia slid her tongue into Alex’s mouth and slipped her hand under Alex’s pajama top.
Before she could go further, Alex broke away and ran into the bathroom. Afraid she’d overstepped her bounds, Olivia followed her. She found Alex heaving into the toilet bowl.
"You ok?" She nodded.
"Are you still getting sick?" Alex nodded.
"Not as much as I was. The new meds are working a lot better. That and Ginger Ale."
"I won’t take this personally then." Alex smiled weakly as Olivia helped her up.
"Do you still have to go to the basement for Ginger Ale?
"Yes. But the good news is that the elevator hasn’t been broken lately." Olivia made a mental note, and making sure Alex was ok, she left the suite.
XXXXXXXXXXX
On Sunday, Olivia enlisted the help of Elliot and found what she was looking for at Crazy Bob’s Electronics. She made Elliot lug her purchase to the car and then drove to Alex’s office. She found a security guard who let them into the office.
"Thanks for coming with me Elliot and for lugging this thing up here for me."
Elliot grinned. "You’re starting to come around Benson. I can see it." She shook her head.
"I’m merely doing something nice for a friend who happens to be pregnant. Anyway, I’ve got it from here." Elliot kissed her on the cheek and said good-bye.
Left alone, Olivia went to work setting up her gift. When that was done, she took out the card and the bow and placed them on top of the gift. Pleased with herself, she headed home.
Alex sat with the other parents watching the children play. "How often do you have these outings?" Mark answered, "We try to do something like this at least once a month. It’s a good social activity for the kids and a great way for parents to get advice etc."
Max came running up to his mother. "Mom, can I have money for an ice cream?" MacKenzie sighed as she pulled some ones out of her bag. "Take Jackson with you and come straight back. Did you ask Alex if she would like an ice cream?"
Looking at Alex he asked, "Would you like an ice cream Alex?" She smiled.
"No thank you Max." She watched as Max scampered off in the direction of the boy she’d learned was Jackson. "Max has good manners."
"Thank you. It’s a constant battle, but I think I’m winning."
Alex caught the other woman starring at her. "What?"
"You’re a brave woman. Going through the entire pregnancy alone. My ex waited until after the baby was born to leave. I don’t know that I could have done it alone." Alex considered the other woman’s words.
"I really want this. After some of the stuff I’ve been through, this won’t be much harder." MacKenzie looked puzzled at Alex’s comment. "Long story."
A woman with an infant sat down next to Alex. "Hi. My name is Jenny and this is Sophie."
"May I?" Jenny handed the baby over to Alex. "Hi Sophie. How old are you?"
"She’s four months." Alex took a good look at the woman sitting next to her. "You look great!"
"Thanks. How far along are you?"
"Almost 14 weeks."
"Wow! You don’t look that far along." Alex laughed.
"Even my ‘fat’ jeans are getting tight. I’m going to have to do something. I’m down to four suits that fit, and God only knows when I’ll wake up and those don’t fit." Jenny laughed.
"I know what you mean. There’s a great maternity shop in the Village. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll take you." As she was talking, the baby became fussy.
"Thanks." Alex handed the baby back to her mother. "She’s hungry. I breast feed, so if you’ll excuse me."
"Given any thought to breast feeding?" Alex turned to MacKenzie. "Actually, yes. I plan on breast feeding. Did you?"
Alex noticed MacKenzie ogling her breasts. "Uh, no. I had a problem with my milk coming in."
Alex turned her attention back to the soccer game the children were playing. Mark glanced at his watch and began gathering his belongings. "Xavier, come on, it’s time to go." Looking at the group he announced, "We have a date tonight." He laughed at the cat calls the group let out. "Alex, you have my number. Call if you need anything."
Mark’s exit signaled the end of the day and the others began packing up. As Alex stood to leave, MacKenzie stopped her. "Would you like to grab coffee sometime?"
"MacKenzie…."
"Please, call me Mac."
"Mac, I appreciate the offer, but I’m not ready to start dating again. To be honest, I’m not ready to give up on Olivia."
"Olivia? Your ex?" Alex blushed.
"It’s just coffee Alex. Two mother’s commiserating over some decafe java." Alex considered her words.
"In that case, sure. I just wanted to be up front about my situation."
"I appreciate that. I’ll call you this week." Looking at her watch, Alex went in the direction of the hotel.
XXXXXXXXXX
Alex used her key to enter the apartment. "Liv? I’m here!" Olivia emerged from the bathroom with damp hair.
"Hey sweetie. Did you have a good day?" Alex was serving up stir fry and vegetable onto their plates.
"I had a good day. You?"
Thinking about the gift sitting in Alex’s office, she replied, "I had a productive day." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close.
"I’ve been meaning to ask you, "Are you taking extra Folic Acid supplements?" With a furrowed brow she looked at Olivia.
"How’d you know about Folic Acid?" Ducking her head she picked up her plate and moved to the table.
"I read it somewhere I think." Yeah, in What to Expect….
"To answer your question, yes I am."
"Good. It’s supposed to help reduce the risk of birth defects." Alex shook her head.
After dinner they sat on the couch and just talked. Glancing at her watch as she stifled a yawn, Alex realized it was 10:30. "I need to get going." Olivia stood and offered a hand to Alex.
"I’ll drive you."
Slipping on her coat she said, "I can take a cab."
"Nonsense. I’ll drive you." Seeing her to the door, she kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight.
When she arrived home, she settled in on the couch and read another chapter of "What to Expect…"
XXXXXXXX
Alex arrived at her office the next morning and let herself in. She stopped when she saw the gift on her desk. Curious, she opened the card. There was a yellow baby duck on the front of the card, and inside was Olivia’s familiar scrawl.
A-
I don’t want you and Baby C having to go to the basement for Ginger Ale.
Enjoy.
Love,
O.
Walking around the desk, she saw that it was a desktop fridge. It held a six pack, that Olivia had stocked with Canada Dry Ginger Ale. She sniffed as a single tear ran down her face.
Picking up the phone, she dialed Olivia.
"Benson."
"It’s me." Hearing the tears in her voice, Olivia sat up.
"Are you ok?" She sniffed. "I just found your gift."
"And it made you cry?" Alex laughed.
"Yes it did. Damn hormones!" Growing quiet she said, "Seriously Liv, it’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten." Olivia smiled broadly.
"I’m glad you liked it."
"We love it. Thank you." Olivia hung-up the phone and smiled broadly.
"You look pleased with yourself. I take it she liked it?" Olivia continued to smile. Elliot laughed at her dopey grin.
10
XXXXXXXX
"Hello Olivia. How’s your week going?"
Taking a seat in front of George, she replied, "So far, so good."
George cocked his head to the side. "You seem very happy. Anything in particular happen?"
She shrugged. I gave someone a gift they really liked. It’s sort of made my week."
"Who did you give the gift to?"
Looking away she said, "Alex." As an after thought she added, "And her baby."
"Ah. What sort of gift?"
"Is that important? It’s just a gift."
"A gift you seem very pleased with. I was just curious."
"I thought about that stuff we talked about last week. I even talked to Alex about it."
"And?"
"She says I do put myself and my needs last a lot. She says it’s one of my best and worst traits."
"Do you agree?"
"I never really thought about it, but yes, I do. My job requires me to put others fist at all times. I guess it just carries over into my personal life." George nodded.
"Or does your personal life carry over to your job?" Olivia was confused.
"What do you mean?"
"The Guan case. You told me about your mother’s rape and the end result being you. You said you’d known for a long time and your mother was also an alcoholic. I just wonder if this is something that developed in childhood?" Olivia sighed.
"My problems do not all go back to that single incident."
"I’m not saying they do. I am saying that everything that happens to us, shapes us and our relationships."
Skeptical, Olivia responded, "Ok. We’ll go with that for now."
"Let’s talk about your past relationships. Who was your first love and how old were you?"
She laughed a wistful laugh. "I was 16 almost 17 and he was about twice that age. I couldn’t have loved him more. I thought we were soul mates. He was my first lover. I may have been looking for a father figure, I don’t know. My mother found out, and that was that. I learned the power of the words "statutory rape" at an early age."
"Sounds intense." Olivia shuddered.
"It was. Too intense for an almost 17 year old girl. My mother was right."
"Your next great love?"
"College, my junior year." Olivia became quiet. George could see the emotions behind her eyes.
"This relationship hurt you very badly." She huffed.
"Oh yes."
"Was this a man or a woman?"
"Man. Boy would be more accurate. That relationship left a lot of scars."
"Not all of which have healed?" She stared out the window.
"That pretty much sums up Marcus."
"Who ended it?"
"Obviously not me. He had more important plans for the future than some bastard child with a mutt pedigree." Olivia caught a glimpse of something, maybe pity, cross George’s face.
"You don’t have to pity me."
"It’s not pity. I just hate to see you refer to yourself that way." Olivia shook her head.
"I’m not…it’s not….can we please move on?" George moved on.
"We can. For now. Tell me who was next." Olivia couldn’t help but smile.
"Alex." George smiled back.
"That’s a long time between serious relationships." Olivia shrugged.
"It’s not like I was celibate. Just casual."
"Were you casual a lot?"
"No. That’s not my style. By casual I mean short relationships that were pretty much physical and never lasted longer then 3 months at a time."
"Ah. When did you first find Alex attractive?"
"The second I saw her?" She smiled.
"Was that new for you? Being attracted to women?" She shook her head.
"No, I’ve always found women attractive. I even had a few drunken trysts in college, after Marcus. But when I met Alex, I fell. Hard. At first it was purely lust. Then it was respect and admiration and then it was love."
"Were you together before Velez?" Olivia blushed.
"Sort of. Right after the Cheryl Avery case, we became close. It grew, slowly, from there, and two weeks before the Velez case, we consummated the relationship."
"Consummated. That’s a word you don’t hear every day."
"Alex isn’t a woman you meet every day." George smiled.
"Neither are you Olivia." She squirmed at his comment.
"So, what was this gift you bought Alex and her baby?"
"Sneaky! I got her a desktop fridge. She still has some morning sickness and Ginger Ale helps, but the only vending machine that has it, is in the basement. The elevator breaks down a lot, so I didn’t want her having to take the steps." She shrugged.
"That’s a very thoughtful gift Olivia. And it’s a gift for the baby as well." He tried to gage her reaction to the baby, but Olivia was unreadable.
"I want you to do something nice for yourself this week Olivia. Something just for you. And I’d like to revisit your relationship with Marcus, ok?" She nodded and left the office.
XXXXXXXX
"So this woman hit on you at a single parent thing?" Alex looked at him.
"No. It’s just coffee." Fin rolled his eyes.
"It’s always just coffee. Are you going?" Alex shrugged as she took another bite of food.
"At some point. I’ve already told her I’m not ready to date or give up on Olivia yet. She understands."
Fin looked skeptical. "You interested in her?"
Exasperated she replied, "No. I mean, she’s pretty and intriguing and has an adorable son, but so are a lot of other women. And she’s not Liv." They ate in silence for a while.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have an OB appointment Friday morning. Can you make it?"
"I’ll be there with bells on. Just tell me what time you want me to pick you up."
As they were leaving the restaurant, Alex’s cell phone rang. "Cabot."
"It’s me. What are you doing?" Alex smiled.
"I just finished having lunch with Fin. Did you see George today?"
"Yeah. It was ok." Alex detected the melancholy in Olivia’s voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not right now. I’d like to do lunch on Friday if you have time?" Alex glanced at Fin.
"I have an early appointment. Let’s do a late lunch.
XXXXXXXXX
"You ok partner?"
"Yeah. Just thinking about my session with George yesterday." Elliot glanced at her.
"How’s that going?" She shrugged.
"Not so bad actually. Not that I’m a big fan of mental health professionals, but I like and trust George."
Elliot pulled the car into a space in front of the diner. "You trust him?"
"Yeah, I do."
Elliot nodded. "I think he’s earned it. You talk about Alex?" She smiled.
"We did yesterday. Her smile faded. "We also talked about past relationships."
"Painful?"
"You could say that." Swallowing a bite of food he asked, "Wanna talk about it?"
She refused to look at him. "Not….yet. Elliot, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of."
"We all have Liv."
She agreed. "I just need to make peace with something first and I promise to talk to you."
Taking her hand he said, "Liv, there’s nothing you could ever tell me that would make me stop loving you. Ok?" She smiled.
"That’s exactly what Alex said."
"See, great minds." They both laughed.
XXXXXXX
Olivia lay on the couch reading her "What to Expect" book. She made a mental list of questions to ask Alex at lunch the next day. Closing the book, she pulled the afghan off the back of the couch and went to sleep.
XXXXXXX
Fin picked Alex up and drove them to the doctor’s office. Alex was restless sitting in the waiting room. "Chill out Alex."
"I don’t see why they make appointments. They’re never on time."
"How’s Liv?" Alex smiled.
"Good I think. She’s seeing Huang and I think it’s tough on her." Fin nodded.
"What about you?"
"I’m fine. I’m going Saturday to buy some maternity clothes."
"That’s not what I’m talking about. You’ve been back what, 13 months? Lots of changes in a short time. Must be overwhelming." Alex straightened her skirt.
"Overwhelming was waking up in a hospital bed with the knowledge that if I didn’t go into Witness Protection, I was going to end up dead. Being shipped to 8 locations in 2 years and having to become a new person each time, while forgetting who I really was more and more every day."
Fin noted the tension in her body. "You talked to anybody about this?"
"I’ve had the requisite counseling required of everyone who leaves the program."
"You wound up pretty tight right now Alex. Not good for the baby." Alex whipped her head around at his last comment, but before she could say anything, the nurse called them back to an exam room.
Fin waited outside the room while Alex changed into the exam gown. When she waved him in, he stood at the head of the exam table, and Alex sat on the edge.
"Mr. Fin, Alex, good to see you today." She placed the blood pressure cuff on Alex’s arm. "How are you feeling Alex?"
"Tired, but otherwise good. Why?"
"Any dizziness or lightheadedness?" Alex shook her head. "Your blood pressure is a tad high. Any stress?"
Alex looked at Fin who raised an eyebrow.
"No more than usual."
"Tell the doctor Alex." Dr. Brumby waited. Resigning herself to the conversation ahead, Alex gave the doctor a nutshell version of her time in Witness Protection.
"You’ve had counseling?"
"All people who leave the program are required to undergo counseling." As Alex placed her feet in the stirrups, Dr. Brumby spoke.
"Alex, get more counseling. Under the best of circumstances going through a pregnancy alone is difficult. You are not in the best of circumstances." Fin patted her hand. Dr. Brumby finished her exam.
"Ok Alex. Everything looks good. Let’s get your weight and I want you on a low sodium diet. We’ll do your ultrasound at your next appointment. Be thinking about whether you want to know the sex or not."
Fin and the doctor left the room so she could dress.
XXXXXXXX
Alex was quiet as Fin drove them back from the doctor’s office. "You ok Alex?" She gave a small smile.
"Even from beyond the grave that bastard is controlling my life."
"Alex, don’t think about him. Think about your baby." Running her hand across her abdomen she smiled.
"You gonna find out the sex of the baby?"
"I’m not sure. I haven’t decided. Any suggestions?" Fin shook his head.
"Up to you." Fin pulled up to the curb and let her out.
"Thanks Fin."
"No problem."