XXXXXXXXX

Once again Olivia beat Alex to the restaurant. Alex was wearing her glasses as she came through the door, and Olivia was captivated by her. She felt that familiar tightening in her chest.

Breathless, Alex sat down. "Hey!" Olivia was speechless. "Liv? You ok?"

"Yeah. You’re beautiful." Alex smiled.

"So are you."

"Are you feeling ok?" Alex nodded.

"Yes. My blood pressure is a little high, but manageable." Concerned, Olivia leaned forward.

"When did this happen?"

"I had an OB appointment this morning." Alex saw hurt flash across Olivia’s face, but let it slide.

"Fin go with you?" She nodded.

"Is your weight ok?" Again Alex nodded. Olivia played with her silverware.

"You should breastfeed." Alex chuckled.

"Really Detective Benson?"

"Yes. It’s better for the baby and helps curb allergies. If nothing else, you need to nurse right after delivery. The colostrum contains all the antibodies babies need."

"Liv?" She waited for Olivia to look at her.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For caring enough to tell me."

"I do care. Please don’t ever doubt that. I know how important this is to you."

Alex felt tears pricking her eyes. "You’re important to me too. So, tell me, how did your session with Huang go?"

Olivia weighed her words carefully. "Intense. Painful." Alex waited for her to continue, but she didn’t.

"Everything ok Liv?" Olivia could feel the tears threatening as she shook her head.

"Olivia!" Alex moved to Olivia and pulled her into a hug. "Shhh. It’s ok." Olivia clung to her like a small child. Alex rubbed her back soothingly.

"I’m ok."

"Are you sure?" She nodded.

"We uh, we talked about my past relationships. First love, bad love, casual relationships, and….you."

Alex squeezed Olivia’s hand.

"Take your time." Olivia took a drink of water.

"I can’t believe this is still so painful after all this time."

"We don’t have to talk about this right now." Olivia nodded and took a deep breath.

"Big plans for the weekend, Alex?"

"It’s time to buy maternity clothing. I’m down to the last of my regular clothing." Olivia smiled.

"Is your mother going with you?"

"Heaven’s no. Shopping with her is an Olympic event." Olivia laughed.

"I’m supposed to do something for myself this weekend, but if you want some company…."

Alex shook her head. "Homework assignment from Huang?"

"Yep."

"Go on and enjoy yourself. Any idea what you’re going to do?"

"A morning at the day spa. Massage, pedicure and manicure."

"Sounds like fun. Enjoy."

"What about Saturday night? Any interest in going to see a movie?"

Alex shook her head. "I’m at that stage where I have to pee every 10 minutes. I don’t think I’d be comfortable. We could rent a movie?"

"Ok, I’ll come by around 6 and we can decide on a movie and food."

XXXXXXXXX

Alex met Jenny at Pea in a Pod Maternity store.

"Good morning. Where’s Sophie?"

"Morning. She’s with my ex."

At Alex’s surprised look she explained, "She has visitation. Our break-up had nothing to do with Sophie. She was very involved with my pregnancy and she’s a good mother."

Alex nodded as she found a grey suit she liked. "How long have you been broken-up?"

"6 months. I was 7 months pregnant when she had an affair." Alex placed a hand on the woman’s back.

"I’m sorry." Jenny shrugged it off.

"It was a long time coming. I couldn’t bear the thought of Sophie never knowing who her father was, so I asked an old boyfriend to donate. He agreed and Carly, my ex, couldn’t get passed that."

Jenny handed Alex a red suit and a pair of pregnancy jeans. By the time they left the store, Alex had 8 new suits and 3 pairs of jeans. She arranged to have them delivered to her hotel suite later that day.

They were having lunch when Jenny waved her hand in front of Alex’s face.

"I’m sorry. I zoned out." Jenny grinned.

"Thinking of anyone in particular?" Alex smiled.

"Olivia. My ex. She’s going through a really hard time right now. Something’s bothering her and she doesn’t seem able to talk about it. She’s been very emotional."

"So you talk to her often?"

"Usually daily. I’m seeing her tonight."

"Wow. That’s…intense. Sound like you guys aren’t done being a couple yet." Alex was quiet.

"I’m optimistic but realistic. She’s my best friend. Besides, it’s not like there are droves of people beating on my door for a date." Jenny took a sip of water.

"Alex, I’m going to tell you something just to make you aware. Mac is interested in you. Very interested."

Alex paused. "I had a feeling she might be, especially after I caught her ogling my breasts." They laughed.

"Alex, she’s…aggressive."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn’t take no for an answer. She’s slept with most of the women in the group." Alex paused and raised her eyebrow. Jenny looked away.

"Yes, even me. I’m not proud of it, but it was right before Sophie was born. I was depressed over Carly and felt ugly due to my size. It only happened twice and then she moved on."

"Moved on?"

"Someone else joined the group."

Alex wiped her mouth. "I see. Than you for telling me."

Jenny walked back to the hotel with Alex as her ex lived in that direction and it was almost time to pick Sophie up. As the said good-bye, Jenny gave Alex a long hug. Standing across the street watching was Olivia. She eyeballed the red head who’d just hugged Alex. She didn’t know the woman, but obviously she knew Alex.

Olivia tossed her coffee cup into the trash and move on in the direction of the book store.

XXXXXXXX

Alex let herself into the suite and found her packages and the oversized teddy bear she’d bought at FAO waiting for her. She put her suits away and moved the teddy bear into the corner of her bedroom. She changed into a pair of sweats and a baggy t-shirt before calling her mother.

After 20 minutes on the phone with her mother, she was ready to hang-up. "Mom, I need to go. Olivia’s going to be here any minute. We’re watching a movie."

"Oh? How are things between you and Olivia?"

"About the same. Speaking of which, what did you say to Olivia about the father of my baby?"

Meredith Cabot was quiet. "Mom?"

"Alexandra, I only had your best interest at heart. I may have pointed out that should you choose, you would not be lonely for long."

"Mother!"

"Call me later in the week dear."

XXXXXX

Alex answered the knock at her door to find Olivia standing there. "Hey. Why didn’t you use your key?"

"I didn’t want to intrude." Alex looked at her with concern.

"Intrude? I gave you a key for a reason. Don’t be afraid to use it."

Olivia followed her to the bedroom and caught site of the teddy bear. "Who’s your new friend?"

Embarrassed she said, "I bought him for the baby. It’s impractical I know, but I just had to have him."

"Did you get your maternity clothing?"

"8 suits and 3 pairs of jeans." Olivia rubbed her forehead.

"Good. I’m glad."

"What about you? How’d your morning at the spa go?"

Olivia flopped onto the bed and kicked her shoes off. Wiggling her foot at Alex she said, "See for yourself."

Alex removed her sock and laughed. "Blood red toe nails? I love it!"

Alex ran her hand up Olivia’s calf and kissed the instep of her foot. Gently she laid the leg down and climbed up on the bed to join Olivia.

"What movie do you want to see?"

Olivia sighed. "Could we skip the movie? I’d like to talk."

Alex propped herself up. "That’s fine. What do you want to talk about?"

Olivia bit her lip. "I’d like to talk about my….session with Huang, if that’s ok?"

"Oh. Ok. Sure."

"This may sound strange, but could we turn out the lights?"

Alex leaned over and turned the lamp off. Olivia got up and stripped down to her underwear. She motioned for Alex to crawl under the covers with her. They lay facing each other, Alex waiting for Olivia to begin.

"I’ve not been sleeping well, so would it be alright if I slept here tonight?"

Alex cupped Olivia’s face. "Of course you can. Liv, I know this has been hard on you and I haven’t been very fair to you…." Olivia placed a finger on Alex’s lips.

"My lack of sleep has little to do with you. It has more to do with my session with Huang. Talking about my past relationships…it’s hard. I’ve only been in love three times. Once when I was almost 17, once in college, and…you." Alex waited. Olivia shook her head. "God, I was so naïve."

Alex ran her finger down Olivia’s arm. "It’s ok Liv."

"I-I’ve done something that I can’t forgive myself for. I’m not proud of it." Olivia swiped at her eyes.

"Honey, you have to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you. It hurts me to see you in this much pain."

"Please don’t give up on me. Please."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw you today. With her. The red head. I saw you hugging."

"Jenny? We went shopping today. She belongs to the gay single parent support group I joined."

Olivia sniffed. "You joined a gay single parent support group? Because….?"

"I’m going to be a single mother Liv." Olivia rolled onto her back.

"I offered to go with you." The hurt was evident in Olivia’s voice.

Alex sighed. "Olivia, I’m trying to build a support system. You’ve been very firm in your desire not to be a part of this. I don’t want to become dependent on you when you’re not going to be there. I have to get used to that."

"I….don’t like you leaning on some woman from a support group."

"It’s not your concern Olivia. You can’t have it both ways."

Olivia was silent for a long time.

"Are you ok Liv?"

"Hold me?" Alex pulled the other woman to her. Olivia was aware of the slight bump of Alex’s abdomen touching her back, but she ignored it.

XXXXXXXX

Alex was awakened by Olivia’s thrashing and moaning. "Liv, wake up!"

"Nooooo. No!…..blood….so much blood……noise….I’m so sorry….Marcus!"

She shook Olivia harder and harder until she was roused from the dream. Alex wasn’t sure if Olivia was fully awake or just no longer in the throes of the nightmare.

"I need you Alex." Olivia’s voice was rough with need and something else Alex couldn’t quite place. Olivia pulled Alex to her and kissed her.

"Make me forget. Please."

Olivia grabbed Alex’s hand and forced it between her legs. Alex could see Olivia’s eyes, but they were glassy and unfocused. Olivia began moving against her hand, straining for more contact and growling in frustration until Alex moved her fingers.

Olivia found Alex’s mouth and kissed her long and hard. It wasn’t long before Olivia climaxed. Alex realized Olivia’s body was shuddering with silent sobs and not pleasure. Alex wrapped her in an embrace and pushed her sweat soaked hair out of her eyes.

Less than an hour later, Olivia was shivering. Pulling the covers up around Olivia, Alex felt to see if she had a fever. Finding none, Alex held her tighter.

 

12

 

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia forced her eyes open to find Alex starring at her.

"Alex?"

"Are you ok?" Olivia was confused.

"What happened?"

"We talked for a while last night. Do you remember?" Olivia nodded.

"We went to sleep and then you had a nightmare." Olivia shuddered.

"Do you remember anything after that?" Olivia shook her head.

"You kissed me. Told me you needed me, and then put my hand between your legs. Then you cried and started shivering. Do you remember any of that?"

Embarrassed, Olivia turned her back to Alex.

"Did I hurt you?" Alex wrapped herself around Olivia.

"No. I was scared for you. I don’t think you were fully awake or aware. You sounded like you were in so much pain."

"You’ve gotten bigger Alex."

Alex placed a kiss on Olivia’s neck. "Don’t change the subject Liv. I want you to talk to George about what happened last night. Ok?" Olivia was silent.

"Promise me Liv." Olivia nodded her head.

"I’m going to ask George for a referral or see if he’ll see me. Dr. Brumby suggested counseling. It might be a good idea. Olivia rolled over to face her.

Olivia traced her finger down Alex’s face. "Promise you’ll do whatever it takes to deliver a healthy baby and keep yourself safe? Promise?"

"I promise." They lay in silence for a while.

"Olivia, who’s Marcus?"

"How…..I talked in my sleep didn’t I?"

"More like shouting in your nightmare, but yes."

"What else did I say?" Olivia sent up a silent prayer she hadn’t said anything too damning.

"That you were sorry, blood and something about noise. And you were thrashing around. Would you like to talk about it?"

Olivia shook her head. "I’ll talk to George. Marcus was my college love. The second person I was ever in love with."

"He hurt you." It was a statement, not a question.

"Oh yeah. I want to tell you about it one day. Hopefully soon." Olivia’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Alex gave her a reassuring smile. "I’m hungry." Olivia grinned.

"How about I go get us some breakfast?" Alex stretched.

"I’d like that. French Toast please. And do you mind stopping at the market getting a bag of baby carrots?"

At Olivia’s look she explained, "Craving." As Olivia dressed to leave, she asked, "Are you having a lot of cravings?"

Alex shrugged. "Last week it was ice cream, the week before that Twinkies and the week before that, Kosher pickles." Olivia shook her head as she left the suite.

They spent the day talking and resting. As night came, Olivia got ready to leave.

"Liv, are you going to be alright tonight?"

"I’ll manage."

"How long have you been having these dreams?"

Shrugging, she replied, "It’s been a while since I had one. Usually after a really bad case I’ll have them for a night or two."

"How long have you had them this time?" Olivia didn’t answer.

"Liv?"

At the tone of Alex’s voice she relented. "A couple of weeks."

"Would it help if you slept here?"

"I can’t do that sweetie. You need your rest and that’s not going to happen if I’m thrashing around in your bed all night." She gave Alex a rueful grin.

"I can take a nap. You on the other hand, put yourself on the line day in and day out. You need to be alert, not sleepy. You can sleep here anytime you need to." Olivia kissed her on the cheek and let herself out.

13

 

 

XXXXXXXX

Alex called George the next day for a referral or to see if he would consider seeing her.

"Alex, I have no problem seeing you, but Olivia is my patient and I need to make sure she is ok with this. I assume we would be discussing things about your relationship with her?"

"Some, yes. More so about my time away. I’m not the same person I was three years ago."

"I’ll ask her on Wednesday and if she agrees, I can see you Friday."

"Thanks George."

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia and George had been playing phone tag all week and ended up not seeing each other until their appointment time on Wednesday.

"Sorry about the phone tag Olivia. VICAP had an emergency. Did something happen?"

"Saturday, I spent the night with Alex. We talked a little about our last session. I’ve been having dreams. It’s a recurring dream I’ve had off and on since college. I had the dream Saturday night and Alex says I had a…..reaction."

"A reaction? What type of reaction?"

"She said I was sweaty and incoherent." Embarrassed, she continued, "And I made her….make love to me."

"Made her?"

"I don’t remember any of it, but I grabbed her hand and forced it between my legs. I told her I needed her."

Olivia shrugged and played with the edge of the chair to avoid looking at George.

"Alex says that about an hour later I woke her up with my shivering." George considered what she’d just told him.

"What can you tell me about this dream?"

Olivia licked her lips. "It’s dark and I think I’m alone, but I’m not. Marcus is there. There’s a loud noise, deafening. And there’s blood. Lots and lots of blood." Unconsciously Olivia began hugging herself and rocking back and forth.

George watched her closely. "Have you ever discussed the event that precipitated this dream?"

Olivia shook her head. "Olivia, it sounds like you had a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Episode. Do you know if you’ve ever had this reaction before?"

Olivia searched her memory. "I don’t think so. It’s not like I’ve had a parade of people in my bed who could tell me though."

"Ok. I can prescribe an anti-anxiety med if you’d like. It might help with the dreams."

"No. You’d have to report that to the Captain and I don’t want to be put on desk duty."

"I can try to find some natural or herbal remedies if you’d like?" Olivia nodded.

"Olivia, there is something else I’d like to talk to you about. Alex called me earlier this week. She asked me for a referral or if I'd consider seeing her. I explained that I’d have to see if it were ok with you. I assume we would be talking to some degree about her relationship with you. Do you have any objections?"

"No. Alex needs to talk to somebody. She’s basically the same since she came back, or at least I thought she was. But with this whole baby thing, well, something’s not…..right. Or the same or whatever the correct wording is."

"Just so you know, nothing I discuss with you will be shared with her and vice versa."

"She went shopping Saturday for maternity clothes. She went with some woman from some damn single gay parent support group. I saw them together."

"And this bothered you, seeing them together?"

"Yes. I mean, I’m here. I offered to go with her! She says she doesn’t want to become dependent on me because I’m not going to be there."

George reminded Olivia that was exactly what she’d told Alex from the get go.

"Huang, I’d do whatever I could for her and her baby. She’s my best friend and I love her beyond belief. I would die for her."

George smiled. "Then why aren’t you together?"

Ignoring his comment, she continued her diatribe. "She’s not interested in this woman that way."

"No, not this woman, but there will be someone some day that interests her ‘that way.’"

Olivia stopped pacing. "I don’t want that to happen!"

"Then Olivia, you need to tell someone what’s bothering you. If not me, then Elliot or Alex."

"I am so ashamed of what I did. I don’t think Elliot and Alex would understand. Hell, I don’t understand it myself."

In a soothing voice George replied, "Olivia, Elliot and Alex love you unconditionally. That is not going to change."

Considering George’s words she replied, "I’ll work on it. I promise."

XXXXXXXX

Alex looked at her clock and was surprised that Olivia hadn’t called her. It was well past time for her to be out of her session with George. Picking up the phone, she dialed Huang to see if Olivia was still there.

"I’m sorry Alex, she’s been gone about 30 minutes. It was a tough session today. Give her some time."

Alex finished the day and after not hearing from Olivia, she went over to the apartment.

"Liv? Are you here?" The apartment was dark as she made her way into the bedroom. "Liv?"

Sticking her head inside the doorway, she could make out the form of Olivia on the bed. Kicking her shoes off, and removing her panty hose, she climbed onto the bed beside Olivia.

"You’ll wrinkle your new suit."

Rubbing Olivia’s stomach, she replied, "That’s what dry cleaners are for. George says you had a tough session. Would you like to talk?"

Drawing a deep breath she said, "Huang says that what happened Saturday night was a PTSD episode."

"Caused by what?"

"By Marcus and what happened to break us up."

"Was he abusive?"

Olivia rolled to face her. "No. At least not physically. It took a while but I finally realized that some of the things he did were mentally abusive." Alex waited for her to continue and when she didn’t, she changed the subject.

"Have you eaten?"

"No. I’m not hungry but you need to eat." Alex shifted on the bed and pulled herself up.

"How about some pasta?"

"Sounds good."

Kissing her on the forehead, Alex told Olivia, "Why don’t you take a nap while I fix dinner?" Olivia’s response was to roll over and face the wall.

After Alex got the meal going, she sat on the couch and flipped the TV on. She dropped the remote and as she bent to pick it up, she saw a stack of books under the coffee table. Picking one up, she saw that it was the "What to Expect when You’re Expecting" book. Curious, she picked the rest up.

The other titles were: "What to Expect when You’re Partner's Expecting," 1^st Aid for Babies, Gay Parenting and Stuart Little and Charlotte’s Web.

Stunned, Alex returned the books and went back to the kitchen to finish dinner. She and Olivia ate in companionable silence. As they were cleaning up the kitchen Olivia spoke, "We’re going to be on a stake out for at least the next three nights. I’ll be hard to reach, but I’ll check my messages here as often as I can. If anything should happen, get in touch with Cragen, and he’ll find me."

Alex leaned in and gave Olivia a soul searing kiss. Touching her lips, Olivia asked, "What was that for?"

"For being you. Promise me you’ll be safe?" Olivia nodded as Alex left the apartment.

 

14

 

XXXXXXXXX

Alex and Olivia exchanged a couple of phone messages, but never actually spoke to each other. Alex’s ultrasound appointment was scheduled for Friday morning, and she had her session with George Friday afternoon, so she’d taken the whole day off.

Alex was already changed and on the table when Fin arrived.

"Sorry about being late. Munch was late on relief."

"That’s ok. How’s the stake out going?"

"Slow. Thanks for asking."

"How’s Liv doing?"

"Quiet. You talked to her?"

Sighing, she answered, "No. We’ve exchanged phone messages." Dr. Brumby entered the room at that moment.

"Good morning Alex, Mr. Fin. Are you ready to see your baby Alex?"

Beaming she replied, "Yes I am."

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"

Alex glanced at Fin. "Yes I do. Fin? Would you mind stepping outside when she tells me?" Surprised, Fin nodded.

Dr. Brumby squirted the gel on Alex’s belly. "Ohhhh. That’s cold."

"Sorry Alex. If I could invent a heated gel, I’d be a billionaire." Fin and Alex laughed.

Dr. Brumby turned the screen so Alex could see it.. As she ran the wand over Alex’s belly, an image flickered to life on the screen. Alex reached out her hand to touch it, amazed at seeing her baby.

Gripping Fin’s hand she asked, "Is everything ok with the baby?"

Looking at the screen, Dr. Brumby responded, "Everything looks fine. The baby is the right size and weight. Ready to find out what you’re having?" Fin excused himself and left the room.

Dr. Brumby turned the screen so that it was closer to Alex and told her what she was having.

Alex emerged from the ultrasound carrying a photo of the baby.

"That your baby’s first photo?" Alex was radiant as she handed the photo to Fin.

"I also have one where you can tell the sex. Fin, about my asking you to leave the room…., this was a special day and I didn’t want to share it with anybody." Fin looked at her.

"Except Olivia, right."

Looking at her shoes, Alex asked, "That obvious, huh?" Fin tipped her head up.

"Hang in there Alex."

XXXXXXXXX

"Good afternoon Alex. How are you?"

"I guess I’m ok. I mean, I’m here to see you George, so something’s not right."

"Why did you want to see me Alex?"

Licking her lips, she began. "Let’ see, in the last three years I have found the love of my life, taken on a drug lord who tried to have me killed, gone into Witness Protection, which of course meant leaving the love of my life I’d just found, spent two years in Hell, and finally I get to come back to my old life and my lover. Only now I’m not the same person I was. I broke my engagement with Olivia and got artificially inseminated. I live in a hotel and in about 4 months, I’ll be a mother." Alex smiled as she said the last part.

"Being a mother, that makes you happy?"

"Yes, it does."

"Have you always wanted children?"

Alex chuckled. "No. I never considered having children before my time away." Alex grinned at Huang. "I suppose I should start referring to it as my time in Witness Protection." George shared her grin.

"Anything in particular happen that prompted you to want children?"

"Somewhere around St. Paul."

"St. Paul?"

"Stop number five of eight on the Witness Protection Mystery Tour."

"I don’t understand."

"By the time I got to St. Paul, I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. It was my 5^th identity in a year. I longed for permanence. Something that was mine. Something that belonged to Alex Cabot and not Kim Jennings or any of the other people I had to become."

"Was it always a child you wanted for permanence?"

Alex thought for a while. "Not consciously. I remember thinking about buying a dog." Amused, Alex shook her head.

"Quite a leap from a dog to a baby."

"I didn’t go from a dog to a baby. I was befriended by a young woman who lived in my building. She was a single mother with an infant daughter. Her name was Katie and her daughter’s name was Caitlin. We always seemed to be coming and going at the same times. I was having a difficult time sleeping, so I was doing my laundry at odd times. Caitlin had colic, so Katie’s schedule was always disrupted. I craved any type of human contact I could get. You get to know someone while doing laundry. One day she’d finally gotten Caitlin down for a nap, and realized she had to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. She asked me if I’d watch Caitlin while she was out and I agreed." Alex shrugged.

"And this led to your wanting a baby?"

"Eventually. I was a natural, believe it or not. I just knew what to do. How to hold her, get her to sleep, feed her. Everything. One day I was watching her when I just looked down at her. She was so innocent and totally dependent upon me. I started looking forward to seeing her. Then of course it was time to move again."

George noted the emotion in her eyes. "That must have been tough."

"I’m used to it. Find someone, get close, and then have to leave. Or get left."

"What do you mean?"

"My father died when I was 16. My first boyfriend left me for a cheerleader. My first girlfriend left me for a law professor. I had to leave Olivia, my job, and my life! Then my new life was more of the same. Move here, become this person, become that person. Forget that Alex Cabot and everything that entails ever existed. Leaving Olivia was the toughest. We worked so hard for so long to get together, and then just like that, it was gone. And I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I always felt like she’d leave me. Even though I know that’s not true. Or thought I knew that."

"But you were given a second chance. You’re back."

"Yes, I am back, but I am not the same person. The first six months I was gone, I slept with the light on. Loud noises would scare me to the point of panic attacks. Before Velez, I was a strong, independent woman who kicked ass and took names. The fear Velez instilled in me made me a shell of the person I’d been. I didn’t trust myself to make a decision."

"This changed when you met Katie and Caitlin?"

"Yes. In all the chaos that was my life, I found stability. I also started rebuilding me, Alex Cabot, not anybody else. That baby was completely dependent upon me. In that baby, I found something I’d lost."

"What about Olivia?"

Alex smiled a radiant smile. "She is the love of my life. I know I will never love another as I love her. And I know that deep down, I have a fear that she will leave me. A child won’t. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the way I feel. I need a child to complete me, and I want them with Olivia."

"Alex, have you told Olivia any of this?"

"Not in so many words. I’ve tried, but it just never comes out right. I brought it up several times after I came back, but she didn’t want to talk about my time away. Looking back, I understand that as hard as it was for me, it was just as hard for her."

"Perhaps you should tell her. As for what you have just described, I think you are suffering from your own PTSD. You had several changes in a short period of time. It had been traumatizing to say the least. I can find some natural remedies for your anxiety if you’d like. None of the meds we use to treat PTSD is good for pregnant or nursing women."

"Thank you George."

XXXXXXXX

When Alex arrived home, there was a message from Olivia letting her know the stakeout had been extended through the weekend and that lunch was out of the question.

Alex spent the weekend looking through the paper for apartments, and making lists for the baby. She hadn’t heard from Olivia since Thursday and missed her terribly. She even broke down and called her mother who finally confessed to what she’d told Olivia. Alex was so angry that she hung-up on her mother, but called her back the next day to see if she wanted to go baby shopping.

Olivia had that Monday off and had left Alex a message saying she’d be sleeping and catching up on errands all day.

Tuesday morning, Alex couldn’t wait to see Olivia any longer and made an appearance in the bullpen.

"Counselor Mama, I hear you had an ultrasound on Friday. Hand over the picture, cause I know you have it with you." Alex was annoyed with Munch as she took out the photo and shoved it at him.

Olivia’s head whipped around just as Alex turned to look at her. Their eyes met, and Alex couldn’t read them. Both Elliot and Fin shot Munch a nasty look. Olivia got up and left the bullpen, Alex hot on her heels.

"Can’t you keep your skinny ass mouth shut?"

"Why don’t you just pour some salt into that wound Munch?" Both Elliot and Fin replied at the same time.

Alex followed Olivia into the ladies room.

"Liv…"

"Don’t Alex. You don’t owe me an explanation. I made my choice."

Angry, Alex crossed her arms. "Have you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw the books in your apartment. The baby books."

Olivia wouldn’t say anything and refused to look at Alex.

"Liv, I know you care. Hell, you may even want to be a part of this, but I won’t know unless you tell me."

Olivia took Alex’s hands and held them. Looking directly into Alex’s eyes, she said, "All you need to know is that I love you. I promise I’m working on all the rest. I am." Olivia looked desperate to convince Alex.

Alex nodded. "As long as you’re trying, I can wait. Are you seeing George tomorrow?"

"Yes. You?"

"Friday morning. Lunch Friday afternoon?" Olivia nodded. She tried to hug Alex but the baby kept getting in the way.

Olivia laughed. "Getting big Counselor." Olivia held out her hand to touch Alex’s belly, but stopped. Alex held her breath while she waited to see if Olivia would touch her belly. She hid her disappointment when Olivia dropped her hand and left the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXX

"Olivia, you seem tense today." Olivia snorted.

"You could say that."

"Why?"

"Is that all you people do? Ask why?"

"What’s upset you Olivia?" She began to pace.

"I wish my mother were here to talk to. I have some questions only she can answer."

"About the rape?" Olivia nodded.

"You know, even in 1966, women could get an abortion, if they knew where to look."

"Did your mother know where to look?"

She nodded. "She knew someone who knew someone. She could have had me aborted."

"But she chose not to."

"I asked her why once. She said she felt like I was meant to be."

"And you don’t feel that way?"

"My mother had a choice. She chose to be a single mom against all of the odds. It was 1966 and she was unmarried and pregnant. I’ve never understood why she would choose such heartache over just getting rid of me. It would have been easier."

"What decision would you have made?"

"Alex had an ultrasound." George understood Olivia’s need to change the topic.

"Were you with her?" She shook her head as she gripped the back of the chair.

"Did you want to be?" Without hesitation she nodded.

"Then why weren’t you?"

"I don’t know." Yes you do.

She called over her shoulder as she left, "See you next week George."

XXXXXXXX

Pulling out her cell phone, she called Alex. "It’s me."

"Hey you! Just finish with George?"

Taking a deep breath she replied, "Yeah. It was another tough one."

"Do you need to talk?"

Olivia considered her options. "Uhm…I think I’m going to go do some thinking."

"If you’re sure. If you need me, call me."

"Thanks Alex."

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia spent the next few hours riding the subway. She then stopped by Maloney’s and had a couple of beers. She nursed the last one for quite a while before getting up to leave. As she started walking, she turned in the opposite direction from here apartment.

When she finally arrived at her destination, she stood outside for 20 minutes before knocking. She was about to give up when the door opened.

"Olivia. Come in." Glancing around the apartment, she was surprised when another man came into the living room.

"I’m sorry…..you’re obviously busy."

"Olivia wait. This is my partner, Daniel." Olivia looked between the two men.

"You’re gay?" George nodded.

"With the wedding band, I just assumed….." George smiled as Olivia shook hands with Daniel.

"Since you’re not a burglar and George doesn’t seem to be in any danger, I’m going back to bed. Good night." Leaning over, he kissed George on the cheek.

"Are you alright?" Olivia shook her head.

"I need to tell you something and I need to tell you now, or I never will." George motioned for her to sit down.

"Having you been drinking?"

"I had two beers at Maloney’s over three hours ago." George nodded.

"I just didn’t want you to tell me something you’d regret tomorrow morning." Olivia gave him a tight smile.

"I guess I should start at the beginning……"

Four hours later, and emotionally and physically exhausted Olivia stretched out on George’s couch and quickly went to sleep. Yawning, George looked at the clock and decided to try and get a couple of hours of sleep.

 

15

XXXXXXX

Olivia awoke in a strange place and could smell coffee brewing. Getting up she saw George in the kitchen pouring a mug of coffee.

"Good morning Olivia. Would you like some coffee?"

A bit nervous after the previous nights conversation, she managed to get out, "Y-yes. Black please."

Daniel came through the apartment dressed for work and bid them both good day.

"So….how long have you two been together?"

Handing her the coffee mug he answered, "Five years."

Looking into her coffee mug she said, "George, about last night, thanks."

Taking a moment to look at Olivia he assured her, "Olivia, you took a big step last night. It’s time to stop beating yourself up. Forgive yourself."

Finishing her coffee, she left the apartment.

She ended up at Alex’s hotel. Using the key card Alex had given her, Olivia let herself into the suite. Stripping, she eased into bed and wrapped herself around Alex.

"Mhmmm. Liv?"

"Shhh. Go back to sleep.

Not moving, Alex whispered, "Are you ok?"

"I am now. What time do you have to be in court today?"

"The afternoon. Why?"

"Let’s just go back to sleep. I’m exhausted."

Alex drifted off to sleep wrapped in Olivia’s embrace. When Alex next awoke, she was acutely aware of Olivia’s nudeness. Alex drew in a shaky breath as Olivia’s hand brushed her breast.

Hoping Olivia might be awake, she whispered, "Olivia?"

Getting only a soft snore in response, she gently eased out of bed and went to shower. As arousing as that brief contact had been, she considered a cold shower, before thinking better of it.

When she emerged from the shower, she found Olivia sprawled on her back, with the covers bunched around her thighs. Alex allowed herself a moment of purely carnal delight. Olivia was so relaxed and unguarded in sleep. Her hair was mussed and the darkness of her skin was a stark contrast to the white of the sheets. Alex allowed her eyes to caress the smooth lines of her body and the flat plain of her stomach.

She allowed her eyes to linger on the thatch of dark hair at the V of her legs.

Sighing in frustration and need, she jotted down a note for Olivia, and left it on the nightstand. She brushed a kiss across Olivia’s temple before letting herself out of the suite.

XXXXXX

Alex’s morning crawled by as she was assaulted by images of a naked Olivia lying in her bed. I should have jumped her. Has it really been 5 months since I’ve tasted her? Loved that body the way it needs to be loved?

She had taken her frustration out on her assistant several times that morning and had even pitched a tirade on Liz Donnelly over something stupid she couldn’t even remember.

When Fin came to take her to lunch, she was still in a bad mood. After watching her abuse a blue motion that was on her desk, he gave her a wide berth out of the office.

As they settled into a booth at the diner, Fin noted her highly agitated state.

"Alex, what’s wrong?" Ripping open a packet of sugar she looked at him for a full minutes.

"What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m horny." Alex looked shocked as a blush crept up her face. "I can’t believe I just said that."

Fin was trying not to laugh. "So, what are you gonna do about it?"

"I’ll take care of it myself. I have a lot of experience with that."

"Did you just wake-up this way? Or what?"

"I woke-up with a naked Olivia Benson pressed into my back. I gave her a key and I guess something upset her and she let herself in, because she sure as hell wasn’t there when I went to bed. And certainly not naked. I left her very naked form sprawled across my bed this morning, dead to the world. Damn hormones."

"She called in today."

Surprised, Alex made a note to call her when she got back to the office.

"Have you told Olivia you’re….needy?" Alex glanced away and then back before answering.

"No Fin. She won’t even touch my belly. It’s like she won’t or can’t. If I told her, she’d find a way to fuck me senseless without touching the baby. While I would certainly enjoy the sex, I need the loving and bonding that goes with it. Every time she refuses to touch my belly, it feels like a rejection of me, my body and most importantly, my baby."

Fin gave a thoughtful smile. "I remember my ex’s second trimester. She wore me out! I don’t think we were ever closer than we were during that time. You’re right about the bonding. So, again I ask, what are you going to do about it?"

"Buy a new vibrator? If I just want sex, I can go to Mac for that. I can’t bear the thought of just sex with Olivia. The next time we are together, I want it to be real, honest. I want her to want me and the baby. To show us both how much she wants us." Fin patted her hand.

XXXXXXX

Her frustration only grew as the day wore on. They were late getting back from lunch and she had to go straight to court, not getting a chance to call Olivia. She totally ripped a witness to shreds on the stand.

"Come in." Alex looked up to see Liz Donnelly.

"I understand you had a witness in tears today?"

"She was married to a child molester."

"Alexandra, do us all a favor and go get laid."

Alex sat with her mouth gaping like a fish trying to get oxygen on land.

"I….that’s….is it that evident?"

"Only to women who’ve had children. Now, I’m going to leave and you should call Olivia."

Alex did call Olivia, but not for that reason. She first tried the apartment and getting no answer, she called the hotel.

A groggy voice answered, "Hello?"

"Liv? Are you ok?"

"Alex? Yeah, just tired."

Glancing at the clock Alex said, "I can be there in half an hour. Are you hungry?"

In a sad voice she replied, "Not really. I just, I want to see you."

16-20