TITLE: Brown Eyes Blue

PAIRING: A/O

RATING: NC-17 at various times. R Otherwise.

SUMMARY: How well do you really know the person you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with? And now it all comes down to this.

DISCLAIMER: None of these characters are mine. I’m not making any money from this.

Alex Cabot lay in the warmth of her lover’s arms, drawing tiny circles on the other woman’s stomach, carefully considering her next words. Gathering her courage she tentatively gave voice to her question.

"Liv?"

Catching the uncertainty in her lover’s voice, she shifted her position, trying to see Alex’s face to no avail. "What sweetie?"

"Liv…..I know we’ve talked about this, but I want a baby. With you."

Letting out a deep sigh, Detective Olivia Benson mentally counted to 10 before she spoke. "Alex, we’ve been over this. You know how I feel about children."

"Which is one of the reasons I want to have babies with you. You’re a natural Liv. I’ve seen you at crime scenes, in court, at the station; how you relate to children and comfort them. You were made to be somebody’s mother."

"Alex, listen to what you just described. All of the scenes you just mentioned happened because somebody hurt a child. Somebody in this world, this city, hurt a child. The world is a crappy place and it’s irresponsible to bring an innocent being into this madness. I can’t do that."

Jerking away from Olivia, Alex countered, "you mean you won’t do that. Can’t and won’t are two different things Olivia."

Olivia reached for Alex who was now sitting up in bed with the sheet pulled protectively around her. "Baby, you know my feelings on this, so why do you keep bringing it up? I thought we agreed to not have children?"

"We didn’t agree on anything Olivia; you decided we weren’t having children. All by yourself, you made the decision, and I’m just supposed to go along with it. Well I can’t do that anymore Olivia. I won’t."

Olivia, now out of bed, was trying to keep her anger in check. "If I recall correctly, you were present when we had the conversation regarding children, and you agreed with my thoughts on kids."

Alex was busy putting on her underwear and bra as she answered Olivia. "Yes, I was present during the conversation about children. What I don’t recall was that a final decision was made. We weren’t going to rush right out to the sperm bank, but we hadn’t decided definitely against it either. I guess I was the only one with the wait and see attitude, huh?"

At Olivia’s silence Alex drew in a shaky breath, realization setting in. "You never intend on having children, do you?" Olivia watched helplessly as tears spilled out of Alex’s eyes and trickled down her face. Olivia moved toward Alex who backed away from her, her touch.

"Alex please. I, I-just can’t compromise on this one. I genuinely believe not bringing another child into this world is the right thing for me. I’m sorry." Her dark eyes bore into watery blue ones, begging her to understand.

Alex nodded as she finished dressing. "I’m sorry too Olivia, because it is the right thing for me. And I won’t compromise on this. I think I’m going to stay at a hotel tonight."

Olivia’s head shot up. "W-Why? I mean Alex, we can work through this. This is, this is just a bump in the road." She was vaguely aware that she was beginning to ramble, but couldn’t stop. "I mean, we’ll come to some sort of understanding on this. This is just emotion talking right now. It’s not you. Or me even."

Alex was slipping on her shoes as Olivia finally ran out of steam. "Olivia, for the past couple of months, I have tried repeatedly to talk to you about this. I’ve opened up to you about this, and all you’ll ever say is that bringing a child into this world is wrong. Yet, you can’t tell me why it’s so wrong. Bad things happen Liv, but life has to go on. What if your mother had had the same attitude you have?"

"That’s a low blow Alex. And totally uncalled for."

Blue eyes met brown eyes. "No Olivia, it’s the truth."

Alex grabbed her coat and keys and left the apartment. Their apartment. She didn’t wait on the doorman to hold the door for her, opting instead to hail her own cab.

From the apartment above, Olivia Benson watched her lover slip into the cab and into the night. Numbed by what had just happened, she finally made her way to the kitchen and put on a pot to brew some tea. As she went to get the milk from the fridge, something caught her eye. An invitation to their wedding hung on the door of the fridge. It was dated for two weeks from today in The Old North Church in Boston.

Olivia lifted the invitation to her nose and inhaled the faint lavender scent Alex had insisted each one contain. Olivia had thought it a waste of money at the time, but now she was glad to have it. It reminded her of Alex, whom she already missed desperately even though she’d only been gone a short while.

Late that night as she lay in bed and the numbness slipped away, another feeling took root in Olivia’s heart; fear. Her last conscious thought was of Alex and how to repair what had been done.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot sat alone in a hotel some six blocks from the apartment she shared with Olivia. As she looked out the window, Olivia might as well of been 6,000 miles away. Slipping off her clothes, Alex climbed into the king sized bed clad in only her underwear. As she lay staring at the ceiling, she tried to remember the last time she had willingly slept away from Olivia. Pulling the extra pillow to her face, she began to cry, until a fitful sleep overcame her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Consciousness came slowly to Olivia and out of habit she reached for her lover. Feeling only the coldness of the sheets her eyes snapped open as realization dawned on her. "Fuck. She’s really not here." So much for it being a really bad nightmare. Wiping the grit from her eyes, she contemplated calling Alex, but was unsure of what, if anything, she had to say. Instead, she opted for taking a shower.

As the water sluiced over her body, she tried to formulate a plan to make Alex see things her way. Bringing a child into this world, especially their world, could just never be. Sure, Alex was a compassionate, caring and put together woman. She’d make a wonderful mother, but again, it was irresponsible for women with their careers to even consider having children. As much as Olivia tried to convince herself this was her reasoning for not wanting to have children, she knew the truth; a truth she could never give voice to.

As Olivia was drying off, her phone rang. Hoping it was Alex, she hurried to pick up the line in the bedroom, only to hear Elliott’s voice.

"Hey Liv, its El."

"Oh, hi El. What’s up?"

"Don’t sound so excited to hear from me. Did I interrupt some post-coital bliss?"

"Hardly. Now, what do you need? I assume you’re getting ready to tell me my free Sunday is shot?"

"Sorry. DB with sexual assault. 15 year old female found in a Dumpster in Little Italy. Meet you there?"

Sighing, Olivia answered "See ya in 30." As she finished getting dressed, she scribbled down a note for Alex.

A-

Got called in.

DB w/sexual assault in Little Italy.

We need to talk. Call me.

Love,

O

She placed the note on the answering machine where Alex would be sure to find it. As she turned to leave the apartment, she took one last look back and sent up a silent prayer to anyone who might be listening.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex sat in the middle of the bed and tried to figure out where she went from here, wherever "here" was.

Absently she picked up the bedside phone and dialed the apartment. Getting only the answering machine, she hung-up without leaving a message. Glancing at the clock she realized checkout time was drawing near.

Scooping up the phone she dialed George Huang at home. "George? Sorry to bother you at home, it’s Alex Cabot and I could really use someone to talk to right now." Having made a brunch date with George, she called the front desk and extended her stay for one more night.

George waved to Alex from a corner table. After placing their orders, George waited for Alex to begin. Unsure of where to start, Alex just plunged right in.

"George, I want a baby, and Olivia doesn’t. I spent last night at a hotel and I’ll be staying there again tonight." George held up his hand to halt her. "Alex, are you telling me you left Olivia over this? You’re getting married in less than two weeks."

Alex sighed, "I know that George, but this is really important to me." George waited for the waiter to finish serving before he continued. "Alex, didn’t you and Olivia discuss this before deciding to get married?"

More than a little flustered Alex snapped, "yes, we did. Or at least I thought we did. We talked about it in terms of ‘one day’ or ‘someday,’ not ‘never’." George paused before taking a bite of food. "I take it Olivia is in the ‘never’ camp, but didn’t share this with you until yesterday?" George continued to eat while he waited for Alex to answer.

"That’s an accurate assessment of the situation. Until yesterday she never definitively told me she didn’t want children, and even then I had to guess! I was away two years George before they fished Velez’s body out of the Hudson. Two years. That’s time I will never get back, and if there’s anything that entire situation taught me, it’s that there are no guarantees. I want this. I need it." George regarded her carefully before answering.

"Alex, do you always refer to your time in Witness Protection as ‘being away’ and as a ‘situation?’" Annoyed, she snapped, "yes I do because that’s what it was. And before you ask, I had the requisite counseling required of all of those who leave the program." Satisfied, she speared a piece of pancake.

"Alex, get some more counseling, preferably with Olivia." Alex snorted. "As you know, Olivia is not a fan of the mental health profession." George nodded in understanding. "I take it you’ve never told Olivia how you feel?"

"I’ve tried George. Many times over the last few months I’ve brought the subject of my time away and a baby up to Olivia, to no avail. I want a baby George."

Taking a sip of juice, he asked, "that’s the second time you’ve said you wanted or needed this. The question is Alex, do you want it more than Olivia? And if so, why? These are questions only you can answer. Either way, you’ve got to talk to Olivia."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ok partner, spill it. We’ve been riding around all day, and you’ve hardly said two words. What gives?" Scowling, she told Elliot to "shove it." Smiling, he continued, "ah, do I detect a little spousal tiff? Maybe a few jitters?" Olivia ignored him by looking out the car window. Realizing this must be serious, he changed tactics.

"Hey Liv? You know you can talk to me, right?" Giving in, she told him to pull into the nearest coffee shop. Finally seated with coffee ordered, she began. "Alex wants a baby." Elliot waited for her to continue and prompted her when she did not. "And……"

"I don’t. End of story."

"Just like that you’ve made a decision? For the both of you?"

"You sound like her. But yeah, for me this is a closed subject." Elliot rolled his eyes. "The reason being?"

"Oh gee Elliot, I don’t know. Our jobs, the world in general, the fact that she’s been back less than a year, my…..You know, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need a reason to not want children." I just need her.

Elliot added sugar to his coffee in an attempt to remain calm. "Liv, did the two of you discuss kids before deciding to get married? Cause I gotta tell you, this is a big one. A deal breaker." With a panicked look, Olivia answered his question.

"Sort of. I mean, we discussed one day having children."

"And did you tell her you never wanted kids? Or did you just let her think it would eventually happen, knowing you would never agree?" Her refusal to look at Elliot answered the question for him. "You make it sound like I deceived her!"

"Well….."

"It wasn’t like that! This all happened right after she came back, and I just thought it was the emotion of being back and all."

"Jesus Christ Liv! Kids aren’t something you have or discard the thought of so easily." As her anger flared, she slapped the table and defended her position. "Damnit Elliot, I know that! In case you’ve forgotten, I deal with this every day! I see kids that have been forgotten and abused. I see things no adult, never mind a child should have to see or experience. And that Elliot Stabler is why I will not be a part of bringing another child into this world!"

"What’s going on with you Liv? I don’t buy this bullshit about your job, so what is it?" Leaning in he asked, "Some paroled perp threatening you? Huh?"

Under different circumstances she’d have found his question sweet, humorous even. At the moment she simply found it down right annoying.

"Just leave it alone Elliot."

"You’re a moron, you know that Liv? You and Alex have been given a second chance anybody would give their right arm for. Do you even remember your life during the two years she was gone? You weren’t living, just existing. And now you’re willing to just fuck it all up because of some stupid reasoning you’ve talked yourself into?"

"Go to hell Elliot!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex wasn’t surprised to find the apartment empty when she arrived later that afternoon. Checking for messages, she found Olivia’s note, sending up yet another silent prayer for the detectives safe return. She took a moment to look around the apartment; their apartment.

Her mother still had her apartment, but it was rented out, and both she and Liv had wanted a space that was their own. Both women were so excited about the apartment that they signed the lease on the spot, and moved in a week later with a combination of yours, mine and ours furniture.

Alex smiled and blushed ever so slightly remembering Olivia’s insistence that they christen each room before moving in. Shaking off the emotion of those memories, Alex packed a few days worth of clothing, as well as her toiletries.

Before leaving, she left Olivia a note:

O-

Yes, we need to talk.

Tomorrow? Here? 8pm?

I’ll cook. Good luck w/the case.

Be careful.

Love,

A

212-555-2539 x 1049

With a parting glance, she shut the door and hailed a cab for the ride back to the hotel.

Olivia didn’t make it back to the apartment until nearly 10pm, and was only mildly surprised to find the apartment empty. Checking for messages, she found Alex’s note. Heading into the kitchen she fixed herself a grilled cheese and a Coke. After devouring the sandwich, she picked up the phone and called the hotel.

"Hello?"

"It’s me."

"Hi." Olivia finally broke the silence that had become uncomfortable.

"I miss you Alex."

"I miss you to Liv."

"So…..you’re going to cook for me, huh?"

Smiling to herself, Alex said, "Yes I am. I promise not to kill you."

Olivia laughed. "Sweetie, you’re a great cook, that one time not-with-standing." Alex shared her laugh before asking about the case.

"The perp is in custody awaiting arraignment, so you should get it tomorrow. Idiot confessed without much pressure. It’s pretty straightforward in terms of rape. If there is such a thing."

"I’m glad it ended safely."

"Me too. Listen Sweetie, I really need to shower and get to bed at a descent hour for a change. Any chance I might see you tomorrow before dinner?"

"Hard to say Liv. I’ve got court on another matter and now this arraignment. And who knows what motions will need to be filed tomorrow?"

Both women were silent until Olivia said, "I love you Alex." Alex swiped at a tear as she replied, "Me too Liv. Me too."

Olivia trudged into the bathroom to take a shower, Stepping into the tub, she let the water fall over her. Out of habit she reached for Alex’s Special Blend Vanilla Bean shampoo. One of her secret guilty pleasures was taking a whiff of the shampoo, especially after a tough day. Unable to locate the bottle, she opened her eyes, only to realize the bottle was gone. Just like Alex. She sank to the tub and began to cry.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot had always been one to arrive early for work, but 5:30 am was early, even by her standards. She finally gave up on sleep around 3:30am, and started outlining the reasons for having a baby with Liv for later that night.

Sliding behind her desk with a cup of decafe coffee, she opened her day planner to see what was scheduled for the coming week. She noted the appointment scheduled for Friday afternoon, and hoped Olivia would be joining her for the appointment.

Olivia Benson was in one bear of a mood, and looking slightly disheveled when she walked into the station the next morning. At Munch’s questioning stare, she flipped him off on her way to get coffee. Stalking back to her desk, she immersed herself in a file until Elliot arrived later that morning. "Sorry to be so late, but the meeting with Maureen’s teacher went late." Taking in his partners appearance, he leaned in and whispered, "I take it you slept alone last night?" At her glare he dropped the subject.

As soon as Munch and Fin left for breakfast, she spoke, "She took her shampoo." Confused, Elliot said, "What?"

"Her shampoo. Her special-blend Vanilla Bean. It costs $26 a bottle. She took it with her."

Elliot shrugged, "So? If my shampoo costs $26 a bottle, I’d take it with me." Olivia met his eyes. "Only if you weren’t coming back."

"Don’t you think it’s a little premature for that?" Olivia didn’t respond. "Did you at least talk to her?"

"Yeah, we talked last night on the phone. We’re having dinner tonight to try and talk this thing through."

Elliot smiled. "See! You’ll talk, you’ll work it out, end of story."

"Only if she gives up the notion of having a baby."

Elliot started to say something, but Olivia’s look told him the subject was closed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot was having one hell of a day. She’d lost a motion in Petrovsky’s courtroom, spilled that god awful decafe coffee down the front of her silk blouse, and had just been summonsed down to Liz Donnelly’s office.

"Will this day never end?" Plastering on her best fake smile, she knocked on the Executive DA’s door.

"You wanted to see me?" Liz Donnelly regarded the younger woman.

"Alexandra, are you feeling well?"

"I’m just…a little tired."

"Ah, pre-wedding jitters I see. I remember those; all of them. Which brings me to the reason for this meeting. I just wanted to let you know that everything is taken care of for the bridal luncheon and bachelorett party. Don’t worry about a thing." Alex gave a weak nod and asked Liz if she could take what was left of the day.

Stopping by the market on her way to the apartment, Alex picked up everything she needed for dinner. Glancing at the clock, she realized she had more than enough time to take a nap before dinner. Slipping off her clothes, she crawled between the sheets and wrapped herself around Olivia’s pillow.

I have to make this work. She has to see things my way. And if she doesn’t? With that question on her mind, she slipped into a dreamless sleep. An hour and a half later she slipped into some jeans and a sweater and began chopping vegetable and flanking the steak for vegetable beef stir fry. Having finished that, she got the wok out and began to prepare it for dinner.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Liv, go home already. You are of no use here and you really should shower before dinner." Smiling at her scowl he added, "and for God’s sake, take some sort of peace offering." For his efforts, Elliot was rewarded with the tiniest of smiles. "And Liv? Try to keep an open mind." Easy for you to say she thought.

On the way home, she did pick-up a bottle of wine and some fresh flowers.

Alex was a bit surprised when Olivia walked through the door at 7:40. "Hi. I wasn’t expecting you this early." Olivia stood awkwardly in the kitchen holding the wine bottle and the flowers. "I wanted to take a shower before dinner, and I wanted to give you these," she gestured toward the wine and flowers.

Taking the items from Olivia, she hesitantly placed a kiss on her cheek. "I, uh, better go grab that shower." Alex nodded and went about setting the table. She poured Olivia a generous glass of wine, and a Perrier for herself.

Twenty minutes later a freshly showered Olivia entered the kitchen, and they sat down to dinner. "God this smells good Alex. Thank you!" For the first time since Saturday, Alex felt a genuine smile on her face.

"You’re welcome." They ate in silence for a while until Olivia broached the subject. "Alex, I love you. More than anything, but I just can’t have a baby." Misunderstanding her partner, Alex felt relief wash over her. "Liv, I don’t expect you to be the pregnant one. I just assumed that’s my role. It’s what I’ve been preparing for. Is that what’s been bothering you about having a baby?"

Now it was Olivia’s turn to be confused. "What do you mean ‘preparing’ for?"

"My pregnancy diet? For the last six weeks haven’t you noticed we’re drinking decafe? We haven’t eaten fish once? I’ve even given up chocolate!" Olivia scanned Alex’s plate and landed on her wine glass that was filled with….water. "you’re not drinking wine." Olivia thought back over the last several weeks and pieces started falling into place.

"How long?"

"Since that day in your old apartment when you asked me to marry you, and I said, ‘do you want children, because I do?’ and you said ‘yes.’"

Olivia felt the ground give way beneath her as a realization dawned on her.

"What if I’d said no? Would you……" Alex let the question hang between them because the truth would have hurt too much. Feeling the walls closing in, she turned and hurried into the bedroom.

Numbly, Olivia began cleaning up the dinner mess and washing the dishes, giving Alex and herself time to regroup. Well this certainly is a cluster fuck Olivia. Drying her hands, she carefully entered the bedroom, and found Alex sitting on the end of the bed.

"Hey." Sad eyes met brown eyes. "Hey yourself."

"This is a fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into, isn’t it Alex?" Patting the space beside her, she gave a grim smile. Olivia sat next to her and placed her hand on her lover’s to still it’s fidgeting.

"I love you Alex."

"And I love you Liv." Alex released a mirthless laugh.

"What?"

"Less than 48 hours ago we were making love on this very bed, blissfully unaware of what the other was feeling. And now it’s all come down to this."

"Please Alex, don’t do this. Don’t make me choose."

Choking back a sob she whispered, "Olivia, I spent two years living a life I couldn’t enjoy. I denied myself a life that I wanted, and I can’t do that again."

"I know Alex. Believe me, I know. But I just can’t." Both sat in silence for awhile until Alex tried to break the mood with a joke. "Guess it’s a good thing this happened before we went to Boston and got married. I’d hate to be the nation’s first lesbian couple to divorce."

Olivia smiled. "Might do wonders for your law career Counselor!" The moment of levity passed and Alex lay her head on Olivia’s shoulder. "Do you want me to come with you to talk to your mother?" Alex shook her head. "If you’ll take care of your half of the guest list I’ll get mine." Olivia agreed.

"Let me know how much I owe you for the deposits and all."

"Don’t worry about it Liv. I actually have a wedding fund. All good socialites do."

Olivia chuckled. Alex went to remove her engagement ring, but Olivia stopped her. "Don’t. It’s yours."

"Then you keep the apartment. I’ll need to leave most of my stuff there until I find a place, ok?" Olivia nodded. "It’s still your home Alex." It will always be your home.

"We’re certainly being very adult about this, aren’t we?" Olivia pulled Alex’s forehead down to meet hers, their lips almost touching. She closed the distance between them and kissed Alex once, then twice before taking Alex’s face in her hands. When she kissed Alex again, it was with a sense of urgency.

Breaking the kiss she stammered, "Liv, please, I……" Breathing heavily Olivia asked, "What? You what?"

Alex turned her head, trying to regain a sense of control. Olivia noted that Alex’s face was flush and her breathing ragged. Cupping Alex’s face, she ran her thumb over her lower lip. "Alex, sweetie, let me make love to you. One last time, please?" Alex started to refuse, wanted to refuse, but looking into Olivia’s eyes, she saw her pain reflected back. She nodded.

Slowly, as if trying to memorize every detail, they undressed each other. Lying naked and facing each other, Alex broke the silence. "Do you want to use……"

"No. I just want it to be us. My hands and mouth on you and in you. Your hands and mouth on me." Alex nodded as a tear escaped her eye.

Dipping her head, Alex took Olivia’s nipple in her mouth as her left hand gently kneaded the rounded flesh of Olivia’s ass. Olivia ran her hand down Alex’s side before thumbing the younger woman’s nipple. Alex moved on to Liv’s neck and the sensitive spot behind her ear. Gently nipping the spot caused Olivia to jerk forward, pressing her body flush against Alex’s.

Alex could feel the detective’s wetness on her thigh, and moaned. Returning her attentions to Olivia’s mouth, she snaked her tongue into her mouth, and ran her hand the length of Olivia’s body, brushing across the flat plain of her stomach. Pulling back from the kiss, she caught Olivia’s gaze and held it as she slipped two fingers into the warmth and moisture of Liv. Her Liv. Alex would never admit to such primal pleasures, but she lived to see the look in Olivia’s eyes every time she claimed her.

Olivia gasped and dug her nails into the flesh on Alex’s hip. Olivia threw her leg between Alex’s thighs, opening both herself and her lover. Pulling Alex closer, she entered the blond, causing her to gasp at the contact. They fell into a rhythm of pushing, pulling, and nipping at each other.

Alex could feel Olivia beginning to tighten and became more aroused herself. Swiping her thumb over Liv’s clit a few times, brought Olivia over the edge. Olivia managed to hang on to her rhythm and Alex was soon following her over the edge.

As they lay with their foreheads touching, Alex swiped at the tears running down Olivia’s face. "You’re crying" she said in a pained voice. With a half smile, Olivia returned the gesture. "So are you."

Alex wasn’t sure how long they lay like that, but eventually sleep claimed Olivia, and she knew if she didn’t leave then, she never would. Easing out of the bed, their bed, she quickly dressed and grabbed the bag she’d packed earlier. Not trusting herself to wait for the elevator, she took the six flights of stairs to the street and hailed a cab.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia slowly came to consciousness. A little disoriented, she reached for Alex. Finding only empty spcae, she sat up and called out, "Alex? Are you here?" Please be here. Hearing only silence, she lay back down and clutched her lover’s pillow to her chest.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Mom? It’s me, Alex."

"Alexandra, how many children do you think I have?" Her mother gently teased. Met with silence, the older woman became alarmed. "Alexandra, what is it? What’s wrong? Has something happened to Olivia?"

Unable to hold in her pain any longer, Alex broke down and told her mother the wedding was off, and that she and Olivia were through. Meredith Cabot listened as her daughter sobbed uncontrollably. Giving her time to calm down, she asked, "What happened?" After listening to her daughter explain, she was silent.

"Mom? Are you still there?"

"Alexandra, listen to me; do you still love Olivia?"

Alex sniffed, "you know I do."

"And does she love you?"

Fighting a new wave of tears, she answered, "yes."

"Is having a child more important to you than having Olivia?"

Chewing on her bottom lip, Alex finally replied, "Not more important, equally as important. I want both! After what I’ve been through, I deserve both."

"Yes Peanut, you do."

Alex smiled at her pet name. "You haven’t called me that since I went into the……" She let her voice trail off as she remembered her last conversation with her mother before going into Witness Protection.

Mrs. Cabot silently shared the moment of remembered pain with her daughter. "Alexandra, where there is love, there is always hope. If a child is what you want, don’t settle. You will only grow to resent Olivia in the end." Thanking her mother, Alex hung-up the phone.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia slept fitfully, when she actually slept. Alex was all around her. In the sheets, the pillows, on her body. She was everywhere and nowhere. Grabbing a quick shower, Olivia left the apartment before sun-up and arrived at the station with hopes of immersing herself in mindless paperwork.

Several hours later when Elliot arrived, her gave her a questioning look she pointedly ignored. Even Munch and Fin left her alone after a couple of "fuck you’s" aimed in their direction. Shortly after Munch and Fin went for lunch, Olivia surprised Elliot by offering to buy him lunch.

Elliot carefully regarded his partner opting to let her guide the conversation. Playing with the salt shaker, Olivia blurted out, "the weddings off. We’re done. I just wanted you to know." Elliot covered her hand, and waited for her to look at him.

"Are you sure Liv?" At her nod he continued, "what *exactly* happened?"

Shrugging she replied, "you were right. The subject of kids is a deal breaker. Even if I’d been honest with her from the start, the end result would have been the same." She looked away as tears threatened to spill down her face.

"Can you handle this Liv? Are you sure about this?"

"I don’t have much of a choice. I just can’t bring a baby into this world." Silently Elliot wondered why his partner was being so adamant. Vocally he reacted differently. "You know Kathy and I are here for you Liv. Whatever you need." That drew a smile from her as they left the diner. Before entering the squad room, Elliot stopped her. "Uh, Liv, when and what are you going to tell the guys?"

"I’ll tell them tomorrow. I just can’t deal with it today." Elliot nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot stood outside the door of Executive ADA Liz Donnelly. Taking a deep breath she knocked and entered.

"Good morning Alexandra. What brings you to see me voluntarily?" Alex managed a half smile.

"There’s no easy way to say this Liz, but Olivia and I have called the wedding off. I would appreciate it if you would handle the bridal luncheon and whatever else was planned?"

Startled, Liz fumbled for something to say. "What happened? Are you ok?"

"I would rather not talk about it. It’s private. Ok?" Liz nodded.

"I understand. I’ll take care of everything you asked me to do." Looking at the younger woman she added, "let me know if there’s anything I can do. Is this going to create any problems for you and the SVU?"

Alex shook her head. "We’re adults Liz."

"I take it the relationship is over?" Alex nodded and left the office. Liz picked up the phone and began making calls. Sometime later she dropped by Alex’s office to let her know she’d made the necessary calls.

"Thank you Liz."

"If you need to talk…."

Alex nodded and left for court.

As court adjourned for the day, Judge Petrovsky summoned Alex to her chambers. "Is this ex parte your honor?’

"No Alexandra. It’s personal. I understand you and detective Benson have called off the wedding?" At Alex’s shocked expression she continued, "I was invited to your luncheon. Liz called me. For what it’s worth, I am sorry." With that Alex was dismissed.

Alex decided to call it a day and headed back to the hotel where she ordered room service, and ran a bath.

Slipping into the hot water, she slid all the way in until the water was level with her jaw. The water had long cooled when the knocking on the door roused her. Slipping on a robe, she watched as the food was wheeled into her suite. After picking at her food for an hour, she logged on to check her email. Glancing at the clock, she saw she had managed to waste 15 minutes. Her thoughts drifted to Olivia and she wondered what the detective was doing.

XXXXXXXXX

Elliot watched as Olivia downed another beer. "How many does that make, Liv?"

"Go away Elliot."

"How many?" Sighing she threw down a couple of bills and got up to leave.

"Don’t you have a wife to go home to?"

"Yes I do." And so should you he thought.

"Then go Elliot. I’m fine. I only had three."

"Want a ride?" Smiling she shook her head.

"I’m not getting rid of you am I?"

"No. Now get in." She was grateful that he didn’t needle her on the ride home.

"Thanks. Tell Kathy and the kids I said I."

Rolling down the window he said, "Pick you up at 7?"

"Will it matter if I say no?" Smiling, Elliot pulled away.

Her mood having lightened, she took the elevator up to the apartment. Her good mood was short lived as she opened the door to face an empty apartment. The reality of her aloneness hit her with full force. Finally making her way to the shower, she fell into bed clutching Alex’s pillow.

It was another night of too little sleep, and she gladly accepted the cup of coffee Elliot handed to her as she settled in at her desk.

"I’m going to tell Munch and Fin as soon as they get in and then the Captain."

"Need any moral support?"

"No. But thanks."

About an hour later Munch and Fin strolled into the bullpen, giving Olivia a knowing look.

"Guys, what is it?"

Fin spoke up, "Jus’ doin’ some plannin’ for your bachelor party." Munch threw in his two cents worth, "Yes Olivia, I must say we have outdone ourselves. From location to the stripper, this is going to be on hell of a bachelor party."

Glancing at Elliot she said, "Uh, guys, about that party…."

Before she could finish, Captain Cragen called her into his office. Sliding a paper across the desk to her, he smiled. Reaching over to pick it up, she saw that it was her vacation request approval with an additional two days.

"Captain……" Holding up his hand he interrupted her, "Consider it a gift from the department." Seeing her distress, he asked, "What’s wrong?"

Taking a deep breath she replied, "Captain, I appreciate the additional days…but, uh, there’s been a change of plans. We, we called off the wedding. Ended the relationship. I won’t be needing any time off."

Rising to leave, Cragen stopped her. "Olivia, I’m sorry. Take some time if you need it." She nodded before going back to the bullpen.

Munch, Fin and Stabler all looked at her. "Cragen give you an ass chewin’ Liv?" She looked at Fin and then Munch and Stabler. "Guys, let’s get some breakfast, my treat."

Grabbing their coats, they left the station.

While waiting for their food to arrive, Fin let out a low whistle at a beautiful lesbian couple kissing at the door.

"Now that’s my kind of lesbians. Two beautiful women like that. Shame they can’t reproduce. Sort of like you and Cabot. I’d like to see a Benson/Cabot offspring."

Munch piped up, "Actually, there is a super secret government experiment being conducted……." He was interrupted by Olivia.

"Guys! There’s not going to be a Benson/Cabot offspring because there is no more Benson/Cabot. The wedding is off." Tossing down some money, she hurried out of the restaurant.

"What da fuck jus’ happened?"

"I believe the lady just announced the wedding is off. Anyone know why?" Two sets of eyes bore into Elliot.

"That’s for Liv and Alex to tell."

"So you do know what’s going on?" Elliot nodded.

"She’ll tell you when she’s ready."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia wasn’t around when they returned from lunch and Cragen called Elliot into his office.

"I take it you know about Olivia and Alex?"

He nodded. "What’s your take on this Elliot?" Is it over for good?"

Letting out a long breath, he replied, "I don’t know. They didn’t break-up for any of the usual reasons. You know Liv, Captain. She’s stubborn. Who knows?"

Contemplating this, Cragen asked, "is she ok to do the job? A cop who doesn’t have their mind on the job, can get hurt or killed." Elliot agreed.

"She’s a professional Captain, and I’ve got her back."

XXXXXXXXXX

Hanging up the phone, Alex Cabot pinched the bridge of her nose in a futile attempt to stop the headache that was threatening to form. Looking down at her list, she dialed the next number.

"Hello. This is Alexandra Cabot. I have an 18 piece orchestra booked for next Saturday. Yes, the Benson-Cabot wedding. Yes, the lesbian wedding. I hate to burst your Politically Correct bubble, but the wedding is off. I don’t care about the deposit." Looking at the offending phone she whispered, "I’m sorry too." Picking up the phone, she dialed the last number on her list. "Hello? Yes, I can hold." Waiting to be connected, she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in." She was surprised to see Olivia. She was motioning to the phone just as she was connected. "Yes, I have a photographer booked for next Saturday. The Benson-Cabot wedding. Yes, the lesbian wedding. Actually, I need to cancel. I don’t care about the deposit. Thank you."

Alex hung-up and took a few seconds to compose herself before she looked at Olivia, who was busy staring at the floor.

"So…..making those calls I see."

Looking away, Alex said "yes." With a smile she added, "everyone, from the caterer to the photographer referred to it as ‘the lesbian wedding.’"

Olivia smiled. "I suppose we created quite a scandal. How many high society lesbian weddings are there? I don’t know of too many heterosexual weddings that have an 18 piece orchestra, never mind a lesbian wedding.

Alex couldn’t help but chuckle. Leaning back in her chair, she regarded Olivia. "How are you Liv?"

"Alive." Missing you. "I told Munch, Fin and the Captain this morning."

Alex nodded. "They don’t know why though. I kind of wanted to see what you thought." Alex shook her head. "I didn’t give Liz a reason either. Did you know she invited Petrovsky to my bridal luncheon?"

Olivia scowled. "Yeah, that’s what I thought. Anyway, I don’t see why we have to give anybody a reason. Do you?"

"No, I suppose we don’t."

"Are you going to be home tonight Liv?"

Perking up, she replied, "Do I need to be?"

"That’s up to you I suppose. I’m covering a couple of arraignments for another A.D.A. tomorrow and I need to get some more clothing."

"You don’t need my permission Alex. It’s still your home. Come and go as you please. And if you’re nice, I might even pick you up and buy you dinner."

In a soft voice she said, "Thanks Liv."

"Call me when you’re ready to leave for the night." Alex watched her retreating form before returning to work.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

They drove to the apartment in silence. Alex silently followed Olivia into the apartment, and went straight to the bedroom. She pulled down a couple of suits and her comfortable slacks and warm sweater. Alex ignored Olivia’s raised eyebrow at the slack and sweater choice as she continued packing. Olivia decided to let it slide and went to order the pizza.

"Alex, pizza’s here!"

Olivia had set the table and was serving up slices when Alex sat down to eat.

"Ah, give me a slice of that meat lover’s pizza. I’ll take that over health food any day." Olivia was always amazed at Alex’s endless appetite for junk food.

"Counselor, I’m pretty sure this is not on your pre-pregnancy diet." Avoiding Olivia’s eyes, she shrugged her shoulders. Olivia waited to see if Alex was going to expand on her comment and didn’t pursue the matter further when she didn’t.

With dinner finished and Alex packed, Olivia drove her back to the hotel. She insisted on seeing Alex up to her suite. Standing inside the suite, Olivia whistled. "Nice digs counselor. Beats the hell out of the apartment."

"Olivia! I love that apartment, and I thought you did too?"

"I like the apartment just fine Alex. I only love it when you’re there." Leaning in, she kissed Alex on the cheek. "I have a forensics seminar tomorrow, but are you free for lunch on Friday?"

Remembering her appointment Friday afternoon, she declined. "I have an appointment Friday afternoon or else I would." Nodding, Olivia turned for the door. Watching her leave, Alex teared up for what seemed like the umpteenth time.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Returning to the apartment, Olivia went straight to bed. As she lay in bed, her senses were assaulted by the scent of Alex. She was everywhere; the pillows, sheets, the room itself. Olivia idly wondered if it were possible for the walls to absorb someone’s essence. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, she finally gave up and went to sleep on the couch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex sat in the exam room wearing the backless gown and cursing the room temperature. When the doctor finally entered, she glanced around as if looking for someone.

"I’m by myself Dr. Brumby." The doctor nodded.

"When you made the appointment, it was for a fertility consultation?"

Blushing, Alex said, "That’s correct."

"Alex, I know you’re…..flexible when it comes to choosing a partner, but you really should have brought the lucky lady in with you. Even though she won’t be responsible for conception, she will play an important part in your pregnancy."

Alex licked her lips. "Dr. Brumby, my partner, Olivia, and I recently broke up. She, uh, she won’t be a part of this."

"I am truly sorry Alex. Do you have a support system in place? You’re going to be hormonal, irritable, irrational, weepy, bloated, excited etc. and having someone, or a group of people, to confide in is essential. Are you sure you and this Olivia are through?"

"Yes. I chose to have a baby over her. She doesn’t want to bring a child into this world, and well, I do."

"You know it won’t be easy, but you are a strong woman and if you were willing to give up a partner for this, you must be determined to see it through. Let’s get you examined and take some blood. Then we’ll see where we go from there."

Alex waited for the doctor in her office.

"Alexandra, you are in perfect health, and barring any surprises, I don’t for see any problems with your conceiving. Speaking of which, do you have a donor in mind?"

Once again blushing, she shook her head no.

"We offer service provided by three different types of sperm banks: totally anonymous, anonymous until the child turns 18 and a new service where the donor and mother agree to meet when the child is 3 months old. With this service, we also provide the names of all women who have had children by a particular donor. Now, which sounds like what you’re looking for?

Taking a moment to consider the options, she spoke, "I think the last one sounds like what I am looking for. Olivia, my part-, my ex-partner, never knew her father. I think she’s always had questions, and I believe a child should be given answers when they ask."

Sliding the info packet which contained donor bios, over to Alex, she took in her patients expression.

"This is…..sort of like buying a car." The doctor nodded.

"Have you been charting your cycles?"

"Yes. If I stay on schedule, I should be ovulating on Thursday."

The doctor briefed Alex on the process and gave her a prescription for prenatal vitamins.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Plans for the weekend partner?" Olivia looked up at Elliot and shrugged.

"Not really. I haven’t been sleeping well, so I guess I’ll try to catch up on that. My first weekend as a single woman and all I want to do is sleep. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

Hearing the sadness in her voice, he placed a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "Wanna come over for dinner Saturday night?"

"No, but thanks."

"Call me if you need me." She smiled.

"I will." She toyed with the idea of calling Alex, especially after catching a glimpse of her earlier in the day wearing her casual slacks and sweater. Definitely now court attire and she was more than a little curious about her "appointment" she had today. Dismissing the idea, she opted for stopping by Chauncey’s instead.

She was sitting at the bar drinking her third beer of the hour when Brian Cassidy sat down next to her.

"How you doin’ Benson?"

Great. Just great. Mr. Clingy is all I need right now.

"Been better Brian, you?" He ordered a beer and nodded asking if she wanted another one. When she declined, he said, "From what I hear, you could use one." She started to leave when he stopped her.

"Relax Benson. I’m not trying to be a prick."

"Oh really? Could have fooled me."

"What I’m not doin’ a very good job of is saying I’m sorry about you and Cabot. Really."

Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, she sat back down and let him buy her another beer.

"I really love her, you know?"

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No offense Brian, but you’re not really who I should be discussing this with." Holding up his hands in surrender he said, "No problem. Just trying to be a friend." They drank their beer in silence and when Brian got ready to leave, Olivia asked him how he knew about her and Alex.

"Olivia, news of two gorgeous women of flexible sexuality breaking up spreads fast. Guys are lining up to try and be the one who brings you both back to the fold."

She laughed and leaned in to Brian. Feeling more than a little buzzed from drinking four beers on an empty stomach, she planted a kiss on his lips. "Now you can tell all your buddies you were my first post-Cabot kiss."

Realizing what she’d said, her eyes began to tear up. Sensing the change in her mood, Brian gave her a hug. "It’ll get better, I promise. Anybody who’s seen you two together knows how in love you are. I envy that Liv. A lot of people do." Leaning in he kissed her on the cheek, before telling her good-bye.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Standing outside the bar watching the scene unfold was Alex Cabot. Seeing Olivia lean in to kiss Brian, she turned and walked down the street, finally hailing a taxi at the corner. Giving the address for the apartment, she sat on the couch waiting for Olivia to come home. Hoping that Olivia was coming home. Alone.

XXXXXXXXXX

Unable to face the lonely apartment, and desperately seeking a good nights sleep, Olivia decided to bunk in the crash room at the station. Finding the place deserted, she crawled between the sheets, grateful for the smell of stale air and coffee instead of Alex.

 

2

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Awaking to a very stiff neck from have slept sitting up, Alex stumbled into the bedroom hoping to find Olivia. Alone. Finding a bed that had not been slept in, she became angry. She found one of Olivia’s suitcases in the closet, and began tossing everything she could inside. When all she had left was her casual clothing, she began stuffing them into garbage bags. Satisfied when she had the bulk of her possessions, she drug everything downstairs and hailed a cab.

Arriving at the hotel, she had the bell man help her transport her belongings up to her suite. She spent the rest of the day trying to make her suite look like an actual home. She placed the photographs she had brought with her around the suite, and put the one of her and Liv at Coney Island in the drawer next to the nightstand.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia trudged home around noon feeling better rested than she had in nearly a week, except for her hangover. Entering the apartment, it took her a few minutes to realize that something wasn’t right. She realized that there were things missing. More specifically, Alex’s things were missing.

With a sense of dread, she rushed into the bedroom and opened Alex’s side of the closet. She was greeted by the site of empty clothes hangers. "Fuck!" Yelling at nothing in particular, she threw a few clothes hangers across the room for good measure.

At a loss, Olivia called Elliot and asked him if that dinner invitation was still open. After hanging up with Elliot, she considered calling Alex, but unsure of what to say, she nixed the idea. She was hoping the drive out to Queens would help her clear her head.

Elliot was waiting for her when she arrived and ushered her into the backyard. "What gives Liv?" Starring into some fixed point beyond Elliot’s backyard, she began, "I came home this morning and found all of Alex’s clothing and most of her personal possessions gone. She’s really gone Elliot."

Elliot considered what she said for a few minutes. "What do you mean ‘I came home this morning’? That implies you stayed somewhere other than your apartment last night. So where’d you stay?"

Sheepishly she answered, "The Crash Room." At his look she continued, "I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Everything at home smells like Alex."

"Ah. I get it now. Liv, what are you doing? A week ago you were happy, engaged and now you’re engagement is broken, she’s more or less completely moved out, and you’re bunking in the Crash Room! And all because you don’t want a baby. Are you just going to let the best thing that ever happened to you go?"

"She’s already gone Elliot! There’s nothing I can do."

Elliot protested, "Talk to her! Learn to compromise!"

"You don’t compromise on a baby Elliot, you know that!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meredith Cabot greeted her daughter with a look of concern. "Alexandra? Has something else happened?"

Alex hurried to her mothers arms and held on for dear life. "Liv didn’t come home Friday night. I saw her earlier that night with a man. So- someone she once had a fling with. They were kissing and then she didn’t come home."

Rubbing her daughters back she gently asked, "And you know this how dear?"

"I went to the apartment and waited all night for her!"

"Alex, have you actually spoken with Olivia to see what happened?"

"N-No. I packed most of the rest of my stuff and left."

"Dear, you have to speak with Olivia and give her the benefit of the doubt." Alex started to argue but saw the look in her mother’s eyes. Nodding, she followed her mother into the dining room for Sunday brunch.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

After staying up half the night playing Monopoly with the Stabler family, Olivia had spent the night, and was now eating breakfast with her surrogate family. Her spirits had lifted considerably by the time she left Queens for the city that afternoon. She’d even promised Elliot she’d try and sleep at home.

XXXXXXXX

Despite her mother’s advice to the contrary, Alex was still angry with Olivia. There simply was no good excuse for kissing Brian Cassidy. Tired of thinking about Olivia, she pulled out the list of donor bio’s and began reading through them. Within and hour she had the list narrowed down to three.

As she considered the three, it was not lost on her that based on heritage, looks, likes and dislikes, and hobbies, any of the donors could have been the male equivalent of Olivia.

In the end, the tallest donor won out. Putting away her papers, Alex prepared for bed and was asleep almost instantly.

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia stopped by to see Alex three different times on Monday, but she was in court all day. Olivia tried to call Alex, but still wasn’t sure of what to say, so she hung-up without leaving a message. For the next two days, the SVU squad was involved in a stakeout, and the timing was never right to try and call Alex.

By Thursday, Olivia was determined to see Alex and stopped by the ADA’s office, only to find out that Alex was not going to be in at all that day. Pulling out her cell, she dialed Alex’s number, which went straight to voicemail.

"Alex, its Olivia. Please call me as soon as you get this. We have to talk." Hanging up, she tried Alex at the hotel and left a voice message for her there as well.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ok Alex, just lie back and try to relax." Giving a nervous laugh, Alex replied, "If you tell me to think of England, I might have to hit you."

Patting her patients hand, Dr. Brumby continued with the insemination. "I notice you came alone today. Have you given any thought to what we discussed last time about a support system?"

Looking at the ceiling, Alex answered, "Yes. I have someone in mind, but I want to wait until I’m sure I’m pregnant." Dr. Brumby nodded. "Ok Alex, I want you to lie still with your pelvis elevated for the next hour. This will help increase your chances of conception. It would also help increase your chances if you could orgasm within the next 8-10 hours."

Raising her head, Alex said, "What?"

"Alex, sperm can live inside the vagina for up to four days after contact. It’s been determined that the ripples caused by an orgasm help propel the sperm to it’s targeted destination. So when you get home, you may want to….."

"I get the idea doctor."

"Good. The nurse will be in when your time is up, and let me know in roughly two weeks if you’re pregnant or if we need to try again."

Alex sighed. What have I gotten myself into?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia had managed to give Alex an hour to call her back before she started calling again. "Damn!" She hung the phone up with a resounding thud and silently cursed some more.

Elliot raised his eyebrow at her behavior and waited for her to expand on whatever was bothering her.

"I haven’t seen or talked to Alex since last Thursday. She’s not in today, and she hasn’t returned my calls. I’m not sure of what to do."

Elliot considered the situation. "Go see her. Do it Liv, or you may lose her for good." Olivia scooped up her keys and headed for the hotel. Parking in a red zone, she threw the police placard onto the dash and hurried inside. Knocking on Alex’s door, she quickly grew impatient.

Looking through the peep hole, Alex groaned. "Go away Olivia."

"I’m not leaving until I see you. You’ve been avoiding me and I want to know why?"

Throwing the door open, Alex spoke through gritted teeth, "We broke-up Olivia! That usually means people don’t see each other everyday!" Olivia pushed past Alex, who finally shut the door.

Walking over to the closet, Olivia pulled the doors open. "I figured I’d find your clothes here. You didn’t have to sneak in like a thief in the night to get them!"

" Thought you might need the space for your new boyfriend!"

Startled, Olivia replied, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw you Friday night at Chauncey’s!"

Confused, Olivia was trying to process what Alex was getting at. "Ok, so you saw me at the bar. And…..?"

"Don’t insult me Olivia! I saw you sucking face with Brian Cassidy! The same Brian Cassidy you fucked!"

Standing with her mouth agape, Olivia tried to explain. "Yes. Yes, I kissed Brian, but it’s not what you think!"

Angry, Alex replied, "Then why didn’t you come home? I waited for you all night, and you never came home! How could you?" Tears were streaming down Alex’s face.

"Alex, no. Baby no. I slept at the station. In the Crash Room. I swear!"

Alex was still skeptical and asked, "Why?"

"The apartment smells like you and I can’t sleep in our bed. You’re everywhere and yet nowhere."

The two women stood silently regarding each other. Alex was beginning to calm down and Olivia was becoming angrier by the second.

"Did you really think I’d do something like that? That I could just go out and fuck somebody else? That I’d even want to fuck somebody else? Do you?"

Alex rubbed her eyes. "I don’t know what to think any more."

Nodding her head, Olivia turned and started for the door. Elliot’s words echoed in her head, "lose her for good." Turning back, she locked eyes with Alex. Alex noticed her eyes had darkened and looked almost feral.

The look sent a jolt through Alex and her arousal was almost instant. She could feel the wetness seeping into her panties. Slowly, Olivia advanced on her until she stood before Alex with only inches separating their mouths.

"The only person I’ve been with since I met you, is you." Reaching out she cupped Alex’s breast through the satin of her pajamas. "The only person I’ve kissed like this since you, is you." Olivia pulled Alex to her and kissed her with bruising force. Unbuttoning the pajama top, she carefully slid it off Alex’s shoulders.

Discarding her own shirt and bra, they stood with breasts barely touching. Alex gasped at the contact, making Olivia smirk.

"Unbutton my pants Alex." Doing as she was told, she unbuttoned Olivia’s jeans and pushed both the pants and the underwear down Olivia’s legs. Stepping out of the pants, Olivia grasped Alex’s waistband. Never breaking eye contact, she slid pajama bottoms and underwear down Alex’s legs, allowing her to step out of them.

Olivia led her to the bedroom. "Touch me Alex. Obeying, she gently touched one of Olivia’s breasts. Taking Alex’s hand, she placed it between her legs. "Feel that Alex? That only happens for you. Nobody else."

Alex drew in a ragged breath, "Liv….."

Olivia shook her head no. "I’m going to lay you down on that bed and make love to you. I’m going to make you forget you ever knew the name Brian Cassidy. Do you understand?" With heavy lidded eyes, Alex could barely manage a nod. Her entire body was humming with anticipation.

"And Alex?" Olivia’s voice had an edge to it.

"Hmm?"

"You’re going to touch me and know that you are the only one who is allowed to touch me this way."

Closing the distance between them, she claimed Alex’s mouth again and again, before pushing her down on the bed and climbing on top of her. Dipping her head she took one of Alex’s nipples in her mouth and gently bit it, eliciting a yelp from Alex. As she continued to bite, suck and nip Alex’s breasts, she ran her hand down Alex’s side and across her abdomen.

She teased Alex for minutes on end before pushing two fingers roughly into her. Alex’s hips came up off the bed as a moan escaped her mouth. "Oh Liv! God don’t stop, please!"

Smirking again, Olivia looked directly into Alex’s eyes before picking up the pace. "Tell me Alex, who’s inside you?"

"Y-You are Liv." Olivia began to ride Alex’s thigh. "That’s my girl. Who’s riding your thigh right now?"

"Yo-You." Capturing Alex’s lower lip, she nipped it roughly, bringing a cry from Alex. Moving on to Alex’s neck, she bit and nipped and sucked Alex’s flesh, all the while still pounding into her former partner.

She could feel Alex tighten and then begin to convulse around her fingers. As she continued to pound into Alex, she ground out, "Who just made you come?"

Alex was almost beyond speech, but managed, "L-Liv." At the sound of Alex’s voice, Olivia could feel her stomach muscles begin to coil. "Touch me Alex. Touch me in the place where only you’ve ever been."

Alex ran her hand down to Olivia’s ass and gently pressed against the puckered opening until she slipped in. Olivia’s back arched at the contact, and she called out Alex’s name as she came. Collapsing on top of Alex, she was breathing heavily. With tears in her eyes, she looked directly into Alex’s eyes.

"There’s only you Alex. You." Withdrawing her fingers from Alex, she rolled off her lover. Looking down she saw nasty welts and bruises forming as well as some bite marks tinged with blood. Repulsed by what she had done, Olivia quickly dressed and ran from the room. Making her way back to the car, she threw-up the meager contents of her stomach.

3

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex wanted to go after Olivia, but couldn’t get her legs to work. She opted to cling to the pillow that had cradled Olivia’s head, inhaling the scent of sweat and sex.

Olivia went home and immediately got into the shower. She let the water run over her until it was ice cold and her skin had turned pruney. Making a bed on the couch, she lay in the darkness thinking about her actions. Only then did it occur to her that she still didn’t know why Alex had missed a day of work and why she was in her pajamas at 4 in the afternoon. She drifted in and out of sleep all night.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alex finally regained the energy to take a shower. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror she gingerly touched every bite, bruise and welt Olivia had inflicted. After a few moments, Alex began to smile at her body. She wondered what changes might be occurring at that very moment.

She applied some antibiotic ointment to the worst of the cuts and slipped on a clean pair of pajamas. After a healthy dinner, she turned in early, exhausted from her work out with Olivia.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia arrived at work almost an hour late the next morning and spent all day trying to avoid Elliot’s questions and Alex Cabot. Of the two, Elliot ended up being the easier to avoid. He eventually stopped asking questions, while Alex on the other hand, had a meeting with Cragen. It was her first appearance in the squad room since they had broken their engagement.

As she walked in, the entire bullpen grew quiet just long enough to draw Olivia’s attention. Her shock was evident as she locked eyes with Alex and then quickly looked away. Saying hello to everyone, Alex proceeded into the Captain’s office.

Roughly 20 minutes later she emerged and went to Fin’s desk. "Fin? Could I speak with you for a moment?" Olivia glanced in their direction as they entered an empty interrogation room. She realized for the first time that Alex was wearing a turtleneck and walking just a tiny bit gingerly.

"What can I do for you Cabot?" Alex fidgeted with her attache case and managed to look everywhere but at Fin. "I have a really big favor to ask of you Fin. And I want you to hear me out and think about it before you make a decision, ok?" Fin nodded.

"Uhm, you have a son, right?"

"Yeah."

"How involved were you in your ex’s pregnancy?"

"I was there when it happened." Alex blushed.

"I assumed that. I mean…….I don’t know what I mean. Maybe I should just forget this." She got up to leave but Fin put a hand on her shoulder.

"Hold on now Alex. I’m sorry I wasn’t bein’ serious. To answer your question, I was real involved. As much as I could be workin’ narcotics. I went to appointments, Lamaze classes, the whole bit, why?"

Alex ran her tongue along her lower lip, remembering Olivia’s bite. "Did Olivia tell you why we called off the wedding?"

"Nah, uh-uh." Gathering her courage she looked directly at Fin.

"I want a baby and she doesn’t." Fin shook his head as if trying to clear it.

"Come on, Liv loves kids. She’s great with them."

"That’s what I thought, but she’s adamant. Anyway…."

"This is where I come in, huh?" Alex nodded.

"Alex, I can’t father another child….."

"Oh no. No, no. That’s not what I meant! I, uh, went and got inseminated with donor sperm yesterday. The doctor thinks I need a support system, I feel closest to the SVU, and well, Elliot has a family, Liv’s obviously out, and Munch…..you know Munch. That sort of leaves you." Surprised, Fin sat back down.

"You lookin’ for somebody to hold your hand. Go to appointments with you and stuff, right?" She nodded.

"Liv know about this?"

"No. Is that a problem?" Considering the matter he answered, "I don’t like going behind her back."

Alex nodded. "I understand. Can we please just keep this between us?"

"Hold on now. I said I didn’t like going behind her back, I didn’t say I wouldn’t. Nobody should be alone when they’re pregnant. I’ll do it." Alex hugged Fin.

"Thank you."

"But you gotta tell Liv ASAP, ok?"

"I want to wait until the first trimester is over, ok? Just in case. Plus, I won’t know anything for another two weeks."

"Just let me know when you know. I got ya back." Alex felt a great sense of relief. Gathering her belongings, Alex pulled an envelope out of her bag. Following Fin back to the bullpen, she strolled over to Olivia’s desk.

"Olivia? Could I have a moment please?" Not meeting Alex’s eyes, Olivia followed her back to the interrogation room. Unable to meet Alex’s eyes, she blurted out, "I’m sorry about last night Alex. I had no right……" Placing a finger on Olivia’s lips, she tilted her head up.

"It’s the first of the month, I wanted to give you my part of the rent." As she turned to leave, Olivia ‘s hand stopped her. "Don’t you hate me?"

"I could never hate you Liv."

"But I-I abused you yesterday. I…..I forced…." Alex pinned Olivia with her blue eyes. "You what?"

"I forced you! I-I bruised you. Made you bleed!" Olivia gently pulled the collar of the turtleneck away from Alex’s neck. Seeing several bruises and a couple of nasty bites, she flinched. Taking Olivia’s hand, she removed it from the collar.

"You didn’t force me to do anything Liv. Yes, I’m bruised, but I’ve bled more from cutting my leg shaving. You’re not him Liv. Never could be." With that she turned and left the squad room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia spent that weekend, the weekend they were supposed to be married, in a drunken stupor. Alex spent the weekend with her mother. Neither woman was happy.

The next two weeks passed very quickly, with the two women seeing very little of each other. When they did see each other, Olivia refused to look at Alex. For her part, Alex tried no to make Olivia uncomfortable, but she’d often catch herself starring at Liv.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come in." Alex was surprised to see Fin stick his head into the office. "Got a sec counselor?"

"Sure, come on in." Shutting the door, Fin went right to what was on his mind. "Alex, it’s been 17 days since you got…, you know. Got anything to tell me?"

Blushing she stammered, "I-I haven’t taken a test yet." Fin nodded. "But you’ve not gotten your period either, right?" She shook her head. "So what are you waiting on?" Fin caught a glimpse of something, maybe longing, cross her face.

"Just scared I guess. Afraid to get my hopes up." Nodding, he sat a paper bag down on her desk. Peeking in, Alex saw that it was an EPT. "My ex, she made me wait a week and a half before taking a test. Same reason as you."

"Thank you Fin. I’ll take it in the morning." Fin stood to leave. "I put my card in there. I expect to her from you either way." Smiling, she bid him goodnight. Almost immediately there was a knock on the door again. Think Fin had left something, she called out, "Come on in Fin. Did you…." Alex stopped mid-sentence when she saw Olivia stick her head in the door. "Oh. Olivia. I thought you were somebody else."

For the first time in almost three weeks, Olivia looked Alex in the eye. "Fin?" Alex nodded. "How have you been Alex?"

"Ok. Not the greatest, but not the worst either." Olivia looked at Alex for a long moment. "Would you like to get some dinner?" Alex started to decline, but remembering the possible new life she might be carrying, she accepted. The restaurant Olivia chose was quiet, and they talked about everyday things. Olivia insisted on walking Alex up to her suite. Leaning in, she hesitated before touching her lips to Alex’s. As the kiss deepened, Olivia moved her body closer to Alex’s.

"Can I come in?" she whispered. Remembering the EPT and the likelihood of being able to take the test without Olivia finding out if she came in, she made an excuse and hurried through the door. Stung by Alex’s rejection, Olivia made her way home.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Removing the test from the box, Alex read the instructions. Laying everything out, she went to bed. The next morning she carefully placed three drops of urine into the test area, and the hopped into the shower.

In a show of great restraint, Alex brushed her teeth and dried her hair before checking the results. Finding a plus sign, she looked at herself in the mirror. Smiling, she turned to the side and ran her hand over her lower abdomen. Facing forward again, she gently touched her breasts and hips.

Dressing, she called Fin. "It’s Alex. It’s Positive Fin!"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Earth to Olivia, come in." Startled, she looked at Elliot.

"What?"

"Are you ok? You were in outer space."

"Just distracted."

"Have anything to do with Alex?" Olivia smiled. "You know me too well." Elliot waited. "We went to dinner last night. It was good. Almost like old times. Like before she became obsessed with having a baby."

"And?"

"I saw her to her door and we kissed. It got…intense and I asked her if I could come in. She made up some excuse about having to get up early." Elliot nodded.

"So what? You two getting back together? Fuck buddies? What?"

Scowling at his crude assessment of their situation, she replied, "I don’t know what we are."

"You need to figure it out Liv." Just then Alex came strolling through the bullpen smiling widely.

"Good morning Detectives." She seemed to float into the Captains office. Irritated, Olivia asked, "What the hell’s she so happy for?"

A few minutes later Alex was standing in front of Fin’s desk. "You ready for lunch Alex?" Olivia spewed the coffee she’d just taken a drink of, as Fin and Alex walked by. "What the hell was that?" Elliot just shrugged.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Promise me you’re gonna take care of yourself, Alex. You got your prenatal vitamins, right?" Alex nodded. "Get you some green tea and some chamomile tea. Keep it on hand for when you get queasy." Alex nodded and began taking notes.

When Fin returned from lunch an hour later, Olivia fixed him with an icy stare. "Have a good lunch Fin?"

Not missing a beat he replied, "Better than yours, I’m sure."

During the next three weeks, Fin and Alex dined together often, and Olivia became increasingly agitated to the point of trying to pick fights with Fin. Alex’s trips to the SVU increased only marginally, but she always spent extra time at Fin’s desk.

Alex had turned down Olivia’s offer of dinner on three different occasions, always citing fatigue. Having reached her breaking point, Olivia went to see Alex in her office. She entered without knocking, but all of her anger evaporated upon seeing Alex retching into a garbage can.

"Alex! Are you ok?" Embarrassed at being seen in such a manner, Alex waved her off. "I’m fine. Just something I ate." Well, that much was true. As Olivia was handing Alex some tissues, Fin came through the door with a can of Ginger Ale.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia demanded.

"That’s none of your business."

"The Hell it’s not! That’s my….my….."

"Your what? The woman you kicked to the curb?" 

They were inches apart when Alex yelled, "Stop! Fin, I’d like a moment with Olivia." When he hesitated she assured him she’d be fine. Casting a glance at Olivia, he left.

"Olivia, what’s going on? You look like hell and you’re being irrational." Sitting down, Olivia sighed. "I’ve not been sleeping well."

"Talk to me Liv." After a long silence, Liv got up to leave. Looking back, she said, "I miss you Alex," before closing the door behind her.

 

4

 

A few days later, Olivia went to see Alex at the hotel. Alex answered the door wearing pajamas and a robe, with her hair all messed up. Concerned, Olivia went to touch Alex’s forehead. Dodging Olivia’s hand, she realized how the detective might take her actions. "Stomach virus," she offered. "I don’t want to give it to you, so you shouldn’t touch me." Olivia nodded.

"Do you need anything?" Like me?

"Just rest I think. Did you need something?" Olivia shook her head.

"I was just going to see if you wanted to grab some dinner, but I guess not."

"I’d love to….next week?" Feeling lighter, Olivia nodded. "Next week’s good." Alex gestured with her hand to let Olivia know she needed to go. Shutting the door, she hurried to the bathroom and threw-up yet again.

Trudging back to bed, she opened her copy of "What to Expect When You’re Expecting" that Fin had given her. She groaned as she read the part about some women having morning sickness throughout their pregnancy.

XXXXXXXXX

Alex’s doctor had called in some anti-nausea medicine, and Fin was keeping her plied with tea and Ginger Ale. By Wednesday of the following week, Alex was feeling much better, and had dinner plans with Olivia. Olivia watched in amazement as Alex tore through her burger and started picking at Olivia’s plate. Feeding Alex a fry, Olivia laughed, "You’re feeling frisky tonight." Alex giggled.

"Just hungry," as her eyes rested on Olivia’s lips. Leaning in, Olivia kissed her. Pulling back she sighed, "I’ve missed you Alex." Before Alex could reply, Olivia’s beeper went off. She groaned when she saw it was an emergency.

Recognizing the look, Alex waved her away. "Go. I can get home just fine." Reluctantly, Olivia paid the bill and left.

Alex lay in bed that night trying to figure out her new relationship with Olivia. If there was one and what consequences her pregnancy might have on any chance of a reconciliation.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex arrived early the next day and spent most of the morning working on briefs. Around 10am she heard a noise outside her door and waited to see if anything would come of it. When she heard nothing, she went back to work.

Roughly ten minutes later she heard a whimper. Opening her office door, she found a baby carrier with a baby inside and a backpack. Looking up and down the hallway, she saw nothing. Gently she picked up the infant and scooted the carrier and backpack inside the office with her foot.

She picked up the phone and called Captain Cragen. "Elliot, Olivia, I need you down at Cabot’s office, now!" Alarmed, Olivia asked, "What’s happened? Is Alex ok?"

"Relax Benson. She’s fine, but she received an unexpected delivery today and needs our help." Not bothering with further explanation, she was already running out of the bullpen.

When they arrived, there was a CSU already on the scene. They were securing the area around Alex’s office and the hallway. Pushing techs out of the way, Olivia abruptly stopped when she saw Alex. She was sitting on her couch playing with a blond hair, blue eyed baby. She was making nonsensical noises, and rubbing his head.

Olivia felt her chest tighten and a stirring in her belly. "Alex?" Startled, Alex looked right up into Olivia’s eyes. Smiling, she quipped, "Look what the stork brought." Olivia’s mouth fell open.

"Relax Olivia. Someone left him at my door, and I called Cragen, who dispatched the CSU." Elliot was directing one of the tech’s to get a Polaroid camera. "He?" Alex nodded. "His diaper needed changing."

Tilting her head, Olivia asked, "You changed him?" Frowning, she replied, "Yes Olivia, I changed him. I know how to do things like that."

"That’s not what I meant! I’ve just never seen you as maternal before."

"I’m well aware of that Olivia."

"Alex! I just meant, I mean….." Alex held up her hand. "Just stop Liv before you get in any more trouble."

Elliot pulled her aside. "We need to do a canvas, but I don’t think we should leave her here alone. We don’t know where this baby came from and if somebody might decide to come back for him. DCS is slammed today so it will be later before they can get here. You want to stay or should I?"

Before she could answer, Fin and Munch arrived. "You ok Alex? We heard the call come through and thought we ought to check it out." Alex nodded at Munch.

Fin made his way over to Alex and started playing with the baby. Olivia shot him a glare as she answered Elliot, "I’ll stay. No problem." Elliot didn’t even try to hide his smile. Fin gave a little wave to Olivia as he made his way to Elliot.

"Need any help?" Elliot nodded, "Just waiting on the copies of the Polaroid. Alex, is there anything consistent about your recent activities? A routine?" Looking at Elliot she concentrated. "I pick-up my dry cleaning on Tuesdays at lunch. And for the last few weeks I’ve been going to the children’s are of the park and reading."

Olivia spoke up, "What about your morning coffee run to DeMaeo’s?"

Sparing Olivia a glance, Alex replied, "I haven’t been in DeMaeo’s in almost three months." She went back to playing with the baby. Elliot called Olivia over. "You sure you’re going to be ok with her?" Olivia shoved Elliot out the door.

Alex continued to ignore Olivia as she simultaneously held the baby, and reviewed a file. Olivia was mesmerized as she watched the baby babble and blow spit bubbles, while Alex shushed the baby.

Occasionally she would rub his back or kiss hid head. Once again Olivia felt her chest tighten and a throbbing between her legs. She found the site of Alex with a baby wildly attractive. She was pulled from her reverie by the sound of Alex throwing up in the garbage can.

"Alex? Are you ok?" Taking the baby from her, she handed her some tissues. Holding the baby close and rubbing his back, Olivia looked at Alex. "You don’t still have that stomach flu do you?" Alex waved her off. "Just a little relapse I guess. I’ll be fine."

For the first time, she saw Olivia holding the baby. "You look like a natural Liv," she said quietly. Olivia smiled. "So do you. Do you need anything? Some Ginger Ale maybe?" Alex nodded and dug some change out of her desk drawer. Olivia handed the baby back to Alex. "Down the hall, right?"

Alex shook her head. "The only vending machine that has Ginger Ale is in the basement." Olivia frowned. By the time she made it back to the office, Alex had moved to the couch, and the baby was asleep beside her. Olivia smiled as she handed the drink to Alex.

"Thank you."

"No problem. But if that elevator had been broken, you’d have been on your own." Alex grinned. "It was broken three times last week."

While Alex read through files, Olivia openly admired her. If Alex was aware, she never let on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

DCS finally arrived around 4pm and took custody of the child. Alex was more than a little upset, so Olivia handled all of the paperwork. "He’ll be alright Alex."

Schoffing she replied, "Sure. A mother who dropped her son on a total strangers doorstep. No medical records, no name, nothing. How can it be ok?"

"You just have to believe Alex. Believe." Alex just looked at her. "Do you want to grab an early dinner?"

"Might as well. I’m pretty useless today."

"Counselor, you’ve never been useless."

XXXXXXXXX

Olivia and Elliot spent the next two days working on the Baby Doe case. The initial canvass of the park had turned up few leads. They decided to re-canvass the park and Elliot noticed a hot dog vendor who had not been there two days ago.

"I’m Detective Stabler and this is my partner, Benson. You here every day?"

Shrugging he answered, "Most days. Except this week. Had the damn stomach flu." Olivia nodded as she handed him the pictures of the baby and the backpack. "Ever see this baby or backpack?"

"Yeah. Sometimes he buys a hotdog with ketchup. Can you imagine?" Elliot leaned in. "He?"

"Yeah, he. Always got the kid with him. Real attentive. He in some kind of trouble?"

"How can you be sure it’s this guy?"

"See that backpack? That little yellow button? I got one. It’s a membership thing to that video store, Moving Pictures. We talked about movies once. I think he works there or something cause he sure knew a lot about movies."

Olivia asked the man to describe the guy. "Late teens or early twenties. Two toned hair, black on bottom and blond on top. Real thin, sort of pale." Thanking the man they headed for the car and Moving Pictures.

Olivia was first through the door and immediately spotted the kid. He was behind the counter. "Excuse me? Did you happen to leave a baby at the office door of Alexandra Cabot?" The kid started to bolt, but Elliot grabbed him and cuffed him. "What’s your name?"

"Nathan. Nathan Robinson." Elliot hauled him through the store as Olivia fired questions at him.

"Fatherhood not what you expected Nathan? Where’s his mother? You kill her?" Nathan remained silent on the way to the station.

XXXXXXXXX

"He’s refusing to talk until he sees the baby, Captain." Cragen sighed. "Call Cabot. See what can be done."

An hour later ADA Cabot entered the interrogation room carrying the baby on her hip. Nathan made a move for the baby, but Alex moved away. "Let me see him." After a moment, Alex relented, handing the baby over.

"Hey Joey. How’s it goin’ ?" Alex crossed her arms. "Maybe you should have considered his welfare before you abandoned your child."

"He’s not mine." Olivia got in his face. "So, you kidnapped him? That it?" Elliot leaned in as well. "What else did you do Nathan? Hmmm.?" The baby started to cry and Alex took the baby and left the room.

"You’re sick! I didn’t hurt him! This girl, I met her at a Rave, we kind of hooked-up. She told me she needed a place to stay. I told her she could stay with me. When she came back from getting her stuff, she had Joey with her."

Crossing his arms, Elliot asked, "Just like that? You let a stranger move in with you?" Nathan shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, she was hot. Even with the baby."

Olivia piped up. "Let’s talk about the baby. What do you know about him and where’s his mother?"

"I don’t know. She took off about a month ago and left Joey behind. I thought she’d come back. I’ve been doin’ the best I could, but it’s hard. I mean, you got kids, right?" Olivia glanced in the direction of the mirror before replying, "No." Looking across the table to Stabler for help, Elliot took a seat.

"Why didn’t you take the child to DCS?"

"Yeah right. You know what happens to kids in foster care?" Elliot nodded as Olivia asked, "So, how’d you pick ADA Cabot as the one to leave Joey with?"

"About three weeks ago I started seeing her in the park, at the playground every afternoon. I could tell she wanted kids."

"Really? How?" Olivia was genuinely curious.

"The way she looks at kids. The way she interacts with them."

"Interacts with them?"

"Yeah. One time a ball rolled right up to her and she talked to the little girl before she handed the ball back. And she looks like she can afford to give him whatever he needs." Olivia was pacing again. "How’d you know where to find her?"

Shrugging he replied, "I followed her."

Olivia grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him up against the wall. "What do you mean you followed her? You were stalking her?" Cragen opened the door and ordered Olivia out. Alex was still holding Joey as Olivia joined her to finish watching the interrogation.

"He was stalking you!" Alex sighed. "No, he wasn’t. He was trying to give this child a chance at a better life. He may be misguided, but his heart was in the right place. Get as much info from him as you can, and I’ll recommend a suspended sentence for negligence pending the outcome of a DNA test."

Joey started to fuss. "If you’ll excuse me, I have to get this little guy back to his caseworker. It’s almost lunch time." Olivia watched as Alex strode down the hall with a baby on her hip and a briefcase in her hand. Once again her chest tightened and the tingle between her legs returned.

"Olivia? You ok?" Snapping back to attention, she answered, "Yeah Captain." Cragen nodded in the direction Alex had gone. "She seems to have bonded with that baby. Looked pretty maternal to me. Who knew?" Olivia walked away without replying.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex stood looking out the window of her office, pondering the fate of Joey. Cursing her hormonal state, she unsuccessfully swiped at her tears. Lost in thought, she was only vaguely aware that her office door had opened.

"Alex? You ok?" Turning, she was surprised to see Olivia. "You must think I’m a fool crying over a child I hardly know." Olivia shut the door and made her way to Alex. "No, I don’t. I think that underneath that cool exterior you project to the world, beats a heart of gold." Alex smiled. "You always did know just what to say."

Before she could stop it, a fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. "Sweetie? What’s wrong?" Wrapping her arms around Olivia, she began to cry harder.

"Shhhh. Sweetie, it’s ok. I’m here." Alex shook her head. "No Liv, you’re not." Pulling back to look at Alex, Olivia felt the familiar tightening in her chest and tingle between her legs. Leaning in, Olivia kissed her. Sensing no resistance, she deepened the kiss. Pulling Alex’s hips flush with hers, Olivia groaned into Alex's mouth. Sliding her hands up in under Alex’s blouse, she marveled at the smoothness of her skin.

She began undoing the buttons of the blouse when Alex stopped her. "Liv! This is my office!" Holding up a finger, Olivia went and locked the door. Leading Alex to the chair in front of her desk, Olivia sat down and motioned for Alex to sit on her lap.

She finished unbuttoning her blouse and unclasped the front of Alex’s bra. Taking one of Alex’s nipples into her mouth, she sucked gently. Arching her back, Alex ground out, "Oh fuck Liv!" Olivia smiled.

"I’m trying baby." She ran a hand up Alex’s thigh, under her skirt and was pleasantly surprised when she found thigh high stockings instead of panty hose. Olivia cocked an eyebrow at her. Alex pulled her into a deep kiss. Olivia continued to touch, arouse and love Alex’s breasts.

Alex tried to unbutton Olivia’s shirt, but she stopped her. At Alex’s confused look, she replied, "This is for you. The first time I saw you with that baby, I wanted you. You look sexy as hell holding a baby and reading a file."

As she talked, her fingers found Alex’s center and the ample wetness coming from her. She pushed forward with two fingers. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than you babbling to that baby." Olivia quickened her pace as Alex rode her fingers. Alex jerked forward as her orgasm hit her. She clung to Olivia like a rag doll.

"I love you Alex. You’d make a wonderful mother." Alex could swear her heart had stopped. Realizing what she had said, Olivia didn’t dare move a muscle. With her head on Olivia’s shoulder, Alex quietly said, "We could still have a baby Liv." A lot sooner than you think.

Olivia sighed, "Sweetie, please don’t bring that up again. The issue is settled. Why don’t you forget this nonsense and come home?" Olivia felt Alex’s body stiffen.

"What did you say? And get your damn hand out of me! Now!" Yanking her hand away, Olivia reached for a tissue to clean Alex with, but she knocked her hand away. Removing herself from Olivia’s lap, she ordered, "Get out. Now!" Olivia scrambled out the door. Locking the door, Alex let the tears fall.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

5

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Alex, what’s going on with you? You been mopin’ around here for the last two weeks. Ya look like shit. Got bags under your eyes. And don’t say it’s from being pregnant. Pregnant ladies are supposed to glow. You’re cloudy at best. Now spill it."

Alex wiped her mouth and tried to get her thoughts in order. "Remember the day we brought in Nathan Robinson?"

"Yeah. Baby Doe case."

"After I took Joey back to his caseworker, I was upset." She smiled. "Hormones. Anyway, Olivia stopped by the office. She, uhm…..comforted me." Alex let the connotation hang between them.

"Comforted you?" At Alex’s blush he understood.

"In your office? Damn. And?" Sighing she offered, "I thought we were finally on the same page. She told me I’d make a wonderful mother." Alex silently cursed her hormonal mood swings as she teared up again.

Patting her hand Fin said, "Take your time Alex."

Drawing in a deep breath she continued, "I wanted to tell her I was pregnant. Instead I told her we could still have a baby. She told me to ‘drop this nonsense and come home.’" Tears were streaming down her face. Passing her a handkerchief he apologized. "I’m sorry Alex. When are you going to tell her? You can’t keep going like this. You’re not sleepin, you’re still throwin’ up. Somethin’s gotta give. Maybe if she knew, it might change her mind?"

Alex shook her head. "I can’t risk another rejection Fin. I couldn’t bear to see the finality in her eyes."

"You don’t know she’ll reject you. Most people never think about kids until they get pregnant. After that, it changes them. Suddenly, all they can do is think about having babies." Looking away, Alex shook her head. "I don’t think that’ll be us Fin. Ready to head back to court? You’re up first after lunch."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia eased into the courtroom and took a seat near the front. Alex had been avoiding her for the last two weeks, and she had had enough. Observing Alex unguarded, she took in the weariness of her movements and the shadows under her eyes.

Turning to retrieve a document, Olivia caught her eye. She faltered briefly before turning back to Fin. She was surprised to see Olivia in the courtroom and a bit unnerved. Taking several deep breaths she tried to calm herself. She became dizzy and lightheaded.

Finding Fin’s face, she managed to let out a grunt before she passed out. Fin was beside her almost immediately and Olivia was trying to get to her.

"Everybody move back and give her some air." Fin then turned to the bailiff and told him to call an ambulance. As an after thought he added, "Tell them she’s pregnant." Olivia stopped cold as Fin’s words sunk in. Seeing Liv, Fin silently cursed himself for betraying Alex’s secret.

Kneeling beside Alex, Olivia took her other hand. She brushed the hair back out of her face, and kissed her forehead. Glaring at Fin she snapped, "How long have you known?"

"You need to talk to Alex about this Liv." The EMT’s arrived and began working on Alex. Olivia watched as Fin answered all of the questions the EMT’s asked him. She watched again as Fin climbed into the back of the ambulance. Seeing her, he called out, "We’re going to Columbia. I better see you there."

Olivia paced in the waiting room of the ER. She’d called Elliot and asked him to meet her there, but that was 30 minutes ago. She was close to blowing a gasket when Elliot finally arrived.

"Liv? What’s going on?" Putting his hand on her shoulder, he led her to an empty seat. "Alex….collapsed or fainted in court today."

"She ok?"

"I don’t know. She was out cold. Fin’s with her now." She looked away as she said the last part. Confused, Elliot repeated, "Fin’s with her?"

"Uh, yeah. He was testifying when she went down. He rode with her in the ambulance."

"So Fin called you?"

Olivia licked her lips. "No. I was there. I saw it happen."

"So why didn’t you ride with her?"

"Look Elliot, I don’t have all the answers right now." Taking a deep breath she continued. "There’s something else. Alex is, she’s, pregnant." Elliot’s head whipped around.

"Pregnant? Did you know?"

Olivia sighed. "Not until Fin yelled it to the bailiff calling for the ambulance."

"Fin? Fin knew she was pregnant, but not you?" She shot him a nasty look. "Who’s the father?"

"You’re really not helping me Elliot."

"Sorry. You think its Fin?"

"I said, you’re not helping me." Looking up she saw Fin approaching. Standing she asked, "How is she?"

"She’s ok. Little dehydrated and exhausted. They’re gonna keep her overnight. She’s been asking for you."

Olivia was surprised at the relief his last statement gave her. "What room?"

"She’ll be in room 203N when she gets there."

"Fin….thanks for being there for her." Fin nodded.

"How far along is she?"

"You need to talk to her about all that, ok?" Olivia nodded and went in search of room 203N.

She found Alex sleeping as she quietly entered the room. She pulled a chair up next to Alex’s bed and loosely held her hand. Taking a moment to observe Alex, she thought back over the last few weeks. She replayed ever second of every conversation she’d had with Alex since their last night as a couple.

Aside from her "stomach flu," there was nothing to indicate Alex was pregnant. Giving up on trying to figure out how far along she was, Olivia allowed her mind to wander to the question Elliot has asked: Who was the father? Well, she has been lunching with Fin regularly. He knew she was pregnant and was able to answer all the medical questions, but would she choose Fin to father her child? Would she choose Fin to father her child? Olivia had to admit to herself that she really didn’t know.

She thought of all the men they knew, and narrowed the list to a few. Trevor Langan. Surely she wouldn’t choose a defense attorney. Captain Cragen? No. She wouldn’t saddle her child with male pattern baldness. That left Munch and a couple of judges. Those didn’t seem plausible either. That left a sperm donor or Fin.

Olivia found herself hoping it was an anonymous sperm donor.

Laying her head on Alex’s bed, she drifted off to sleep. She awoke to the feeling of someone’s hand in her hair. Wiping her eyes, she looked up into tired blue eyes. "Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"Ok. Embarrassed."

"Why?"

"Passing out in Petrovsky’s courtroom? You’re kidding, right?" Olivia smiled as an awkward silence settled around them.

"I-I guess you know, huh?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I do." Alex rubbed her thumb over Olivia’s hand.

"How far along are you?" Alex looked at Olivia and then away before speaking.

"9 weeks and 5 days."

"How many hours?" Olivia’s smile took the sting out of her words. Not missing a beat, Alex replied, "What time is it?"

Before Olivia could respond, a nurse came in to check on Alex. "I see you’re awake Miss Cabot. I have something to help you sleep." Looking concerned, Alex took the medicine. "This won’t hurt the baby?"

Shaking her head, the nurse adjusted her IV and left the room. Alex removed the pill from her mouth.

"Alex! You need your rest."

"I’ll take the pill when I’m done talking to you."

"How does Fin fit into all of this?" Alex smiled.

"You mean, is he the father and if so, did we sleep together?" Olivia didn’t bother to try and deny it.

"No, he’s not the father, and no, we’re not sleeping together." Olivia nodded. She wanted to ask who the father was, but refrained.

"Fin’s my support person. My OB suggested I enlist the support of someone." She shrugged.

"What about me? Why not me?" Olivia was more than a little hurt.

"I believe you made your feelings on this topic clear." Frustrated, she began to pace.

"That was before I knew you were already pregnant."

"Liv, two weeks ago we made love in my office. I suggested we could still have a baby, and you shot me down. Again. I’m not some teenage girl whose boyfriend knocked her up and expects him to marry her out of a sense of responsibility. I know you Liv, and I know how you are. You don’t owe us anything."

Olivia stopped pacing and sat back down. "I love you Alex."

"And I love you Liv. And I love my baby." Olivia ran her hand through her hair.

"Where does that leave us?"

"I’d like nothing more than to raise a family with you. However, until you tell me why you don’t want kids, the real reason, then there is no ‘us.’ I can’t live with you and raise a family with you unless I’m certain you really want me and my baby. Not out of some sense of responsibility, but because you love and want us."

"How am I supposed to prove that?"

Taking Liv’s hand, she replied, "You’re the only one who knows what’s going on inside you and why a child scares you."

"This is….a lot Alex. I-I need some time." Alex nodded.

"I’m going to suggest something and I want you to hear me out before you go off, ok?" Olivia nodded. "I had brunch with George Huang the Sunday after I left. He suggested we get counseling. He thinks I still have some issues related to my time away. He may be right."

Olivia tried to remain calm. "You discussed us, me, with Huang? You know how I feel about shrinks! It’s one thing to lie to me about being pregnant all this time, or not tell me who the father is or how he became the father, but to discuss me with a shrink? How could you?"

"Liv, the fact that my discussing you or ‘us’ with a shrink is more important than what you perceive as my lying to you all this time, says a lot. I’m really tired and I’d like to take my pill and go to sleep."

Feeling guilty, she looked at Alex lying in the hospital bed. "I’m sorry. You do need your rest, and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of any more complications. Want me to come spring you in the morning?"

Alex shook her head. "Fin’s coming to get me."

"Maybe I’ll come by tomorrow night?" Alex nodded. Kissing the mother to be on the forehead, she left the room.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She called Elliot on the way home and filled him. "I am so fucked up El. This is all so fucked up!"

"Hey, don’t say that. You’re a good woman who’d make a wonderful mother and wife."

"Listen, thanks for coming down to the hospital. I’m just going to head home and go to bed."

When she got home, Olivia poured herself a glass of wine and sat on the couch thinking about the days events. Spotting what she was looking for, she grabbed the photo album and thumbed through it. She’d taken very little when her mother had passed away, but this was her one prized possession.

She studied the photos of her mother when she was pregnant with Olivia. She wondered, not for the first time, what it must have been like for her mother. Pregnant, alone and unmarried in 1966. Her mind drifted to Alex. She was pregnant, unmarried, and more or less alone, Fin not withstanding.

Her mind kept reminding her that Alex had chosen her course, while her mother had no choice. She began to think about her own life and the choices she had made, one in particular. Growing frustrated, she went to bed.

6-10